A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I met what I believe is the one online a month ago. I know realistically it’s too soon to confirm what anything is but, what I feel overwhelms me so much so that I don’t want to mess it up. My dating history is that I’ve been single for 6 years after a 12 year abusive relationship. During my single years I did a lot of ‘getting to know me’ and knew exactly what I want and need. I’ve only spent this last year dating and dated 6 unsuitable guys but the experience taught me a lot. I dated a few players who were persistent at the start but their real intentions became clear over time, a guy who was very keen of the bat, but I didn’t feel that same and it didn’t feel right to pursue long term, and a few where I was too keen, but they didn’t feel the same back. Now I have come across the guy of my dream, where the feeling is mutual and everything feels right but seems to be happening really fast. We have only had two dates but spend every evening talking on the phone for hours on end, when we meet in person it feels like it completes things. His personality is a bit impulsive, but his intentions seem right and I’m similar. He’s asked for me to be his girlfriend already and my gut feels that it’s not an issue. My experience and sensible side makes me feel it’s a bad thing. I’m concerned that if I hold back too much despite thinking it feels right, I’d miss out on something special, but I’m worried that I’m so overwhelmed with how I feel about him I’d ignore any red flag. Can anyone help me make sense of this or help me figure it out?
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male
reader, devont  +, writes (10 January 2016):
 Wheeler has given excellent advice and I agree with everything he has written. I think that this is very early days though, two dates, despite talking on the phone, is really soon to be thinking like this. Try not to worry so much, this early on, just go with it. See what happens, enjoy the sheer bliss of dating someone new that you are really in to. Let yourself be overwhelmed! With regards to the red flags, I would say as long as you NOTICE them, that's enough. I have a very good friend whose partner used to spend nights away 'because of work'... it absolutely wasn't for work, he was just too caught up in liking her that he didn't for a second think that she was playing away. So as long as you're not daft and as long as you are strong enough (which from reading your post, I get the feeling you are) to walk away when you find something that is a total deal breaker, then don't worry so much, and be happy easing into a healthy relationship. Good luck!
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (10 January 2016):
 "Can anyone help me make sense of this or help me figure it out?"
Well...since you asked!
I am going to say some tough things, but I think that is necessary for you at this point, and much more helpful than just saying "Go for it!!!"
The reality here is that virtually (ha!) all of your "feelings" for, and knowledge about, him is fantasy. That is to say, your mind has filled in all of the gaps with what you HOPE and WISH he is, when in reality you know only what he has presented through his online profile, and the brief encounters in person (both of which are going to be his absolute best presentation possible). As any of us would, he is only going to show his best features, and minimize or outright hide any and all warts and bad things.
Just take a minute to let that sink in...
Right now you most likely know only the absolute best things about him, and none of the worst. This is not to say he is a bad person! This is just how online representations work, and everyone is guilty of doing it. But that is also probably why you think he is The One.
Because you have entered into the land of Dear Cupid, you are surrounded by people who know exactly how you feel right now. After long last, and many duds, you have found an amazing person, and are cautiously optimistic that this person is going to be everything you have hoped to find. They have all those qualities you want, you spend hours in amazing conversation, have a wonderful time together. From what you can tell the feelings are mutual.
In so many ways you have a relationship that feels like some enormous, beautiful, better-than-anything-before ship about to set sail. And nothing can stop it from going the distance!
We'll call it...THE TITANIC!!!
Problem is, you haven't seen the first iceberg.
All joking and Titanic references aside, you guys haven't gotten to, much less surpassed, one of the most important parts of any relationship: The first big problem.
So many relationships seem completely perfect and unstoppable, until they hit that first big snag. An issue with an ex, a lie about something significant, a huge difference in perspective about something important to both of you that you never realized beforehand (you volunteer for Planned Parenthood, he thinks abortion is murder).
Some relationships survive that First Big Problem, some don't. For some reason, it is only AFTER that first big problem that both people kinda dump out a lot of true feelings. Some real stuff gets said. And this is a necessary step in the evolution of a relationship. It's a chance to be honest about some of the warts and imperfections on both sides.
You two are still in the initial stage, clearly. And that's, okay. :-)
So, what can I say to reassure you?! To make you feel better about where you are at in this relationship RIGHT NOW?!
1) If this relationship is IT, if it is the right one, then neither of you will mind taking their time to let it go where it needs to go, and doing whatever it takes to get it there.
2) If it is meant to be, it will happen.
I think that is a phrase that is thrown around too much, maybe, but it really is true. If the two of you are soulmates, and if you both are meant to be together, then it will happen. You will both make it happen. And if one of you does not feel that way then it won't happen, and that will be for the best. And the reason that will be for the best is that if he does NOT feel the same way, then you need to find that out so you can move forward to the one who DOES feel that way. See what I mean? What good is it going to do you to remain with someone who does not feel the same way? Someone who is not the one you are supposed to ultimately be with?
Rest easy knowing that when you find the right person, it will happen.
So often, we meet someone and think they are perfect. And sometimes the truth is we don't want to know too much more, or ask too many more questions, because we don't want to ruin what is perfect. We don't want to find out the inevitable truth: that the other person is just a human being, with warts and bad habits and old underwear.
I've decided that, for me at least, the real goal is to find someone with the right combinations of problems that I can deal with. :-)
Sure, there will be lots of great things. But great things are easy. Anyone can handle THAT part. It's the other stuff that I gotta find the right mix of.
So, go have a great time with this guy. Enjoy the awesome conversations. Get to know him, and get some time under your belt. The feelings you have right now are a wonderful thing, and I mean that. I hope to have them myself again one day.
But don't be afraid of that First Big Problem. And don't be afraid of the bad stuff that will inevitably come to the surface eventually.
[I don't know about any of you, but trying to provide answers for other people in the end always seems to provide answers to things I am going through myself...]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): right now, it makes perfect sense for you to feel vulnerable and to be cautious. I understand the idea of being too cautious or appearing paranoid and untrusting. it makes sense to get the talking to somebody in public places and do not reveal a lot of personal information including where you live until you get a feel for them. you don't owe any explanation, but if you would like to, it's reasonable to simply say I have had a very bad abusive relationship in the past so please don't take it personally that I am being cautious. if he tries to throw it back you or get defensive, as many men have done to me by saying not to compare him to other guys, tell him you're comparing experiences. I have also been treated like the cheater by men who have been cheated on well I understood that they were being cautious, they came across as very possessive and jealous. it is hard to tell the difference between being cautious and being paranoid. this is why it is a good idea to bounce ideas off your female friends to make sure that you are correct in your thinking. It sounds like your intuition is on overdrive but it's very reasonable and smart to give the guy the chance to prove himself and it is reasonable and smart for him to do the same with you. I guess from my experience,you need to spend a little time with him and a little time away from him so that you don't lose yourself. you have to know your own boundaries and you have to be willing to express them without apology. seeinh him maybe 3 times a in public, for example, is perfectly reasonable in the beginning. As you get more comfortable more trusting, then you can spend time alone with him but be upfront about how far you want to go physically and stick to it, of course making sure that you have an easy out if the situation get uncomfortable. it is absolutely perfectly OK, I'm sure you know, to say Bart, I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now and I am going to go home. I will call you tomorrow and talk about this with you. if he is a reasonable person, he may be hurtin confuse the heel at least understand. I hope that made sense and helped you
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