A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Im so hurt my husband has told me i suck in bed and he would rather masterbate to porn. he does it often and locks himself in the room for 2 plus hours but im lucky if we spend 30 mins having sex. im so hurt and dont know what to do. He doesnt think i should be up set cause he says he loves me just sex with me is to boring and doesnt do anything for him. he also thinks sex i just sex and im more emotional about it. help!
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (22 February 2012):
 he is being cruel and hurtful to you. it seems like he may have two problems . one it sounds like he is addicted to porn, he is getting his fix from porn, and then he does not want you. two he is being self centered not taking in a count of your feelings saying hurtful things to you. he cannot or chooses not too separate the fiction, make believe stories, the fake boobs, ect, from reality . he needs to seek help for this addiction , it sounds like it is aready hurting your marriage on top of directly hurting you.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Missed the 30minute sex.. nope, that's not long enough to get wild and wicked and to experiment. You got my permission to tell him he sucks in bed, and if he wasn't so interested in porn, your sex life would be better.But I still want you to write that list, I still want you to go to that website.. when you feel comfortable about what you would like to try, ask him to come in the bedroom and demand 2hours of his time. Bring whipped cream, always nice to enhance the experience of tasting. If after 2 hours of play with you, he still neglects you and can't see your value, then poor man is broken and likes looking at sex more than he likes doing it...Can't tell you how to stop a guy from using porn.. But if you make the bedroom a wild playground he can't blame you for anything at all. Investigating sex will still be a benefit to you. What a man does, is off no importance, how you grow and develop as a confident person is the best thing you can do for you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
You suck in Bed isn't very helpful and is rude and disrespectful, you married a pig... but if you think sex is romantic and he thinks sex is dirty sweaty and nasty, you will have problems in the bedroom because your wanting different things.You need to first tackle the way he has of talking to you like you are unimportant and worth nothing. That is abusive and will strip you confidence and hurt your heart and soul. You cannot stay with a man who talks to you this way, he can make you very sick mentally. You need to get strong and tell him off when he start to behave like a pig on the farm.Secondly.. a week has 7 days, a year has 365 days, there is no reason why you can't get your romantic sex and he can't get his animalistic sex. In sex nobody is wrong. He likes what he likes, you like what you like. If you are loving and can talk and work together, then everbody can get what they like.I want you to write a list of things you will NEVER do in sex. Don't like anal, fine, don't like oral sex fine.. Write it all down. Write down what you don't like and write down why you don't like it. "I don't like anal sex because I don't like it", nope that's not enough. " I don't like anal sex because it's unhygienic, it hurts, it will make me bleed and give me infection and can tear my insides so I have to see the doctor", that's a proper reason you can give him. Write down every sex act you hate... how long is it.. if it's very long, you can see why he might be bored and frustrated... Can't do this, can't do that, make her pleased, stick penis in and kiss a lot.... where on his list... his list of what he can't do is short.. His list of what he would like to do is long.. anal sex, role play, sex toys, different positions, blindfolds, feathers, sex in public places.... you have lots of NO's, he has lots of WANT's.I'm not saying to do everything.. but personally I find romantic sex boring.. If I want romance I kiss out of bed, but for exciting sex I want no kisses but lots of action. You kiss me too much and I fall asleep. You start growling like a beast and I get juicy.Differences in sex approach can be tackled.. You can have your sweet loving 5 days a week, and maybe 2 days a week he gets to do what he likes (as long as it's not on your list of forbidden)Many women take the whole world into their bedrooms. I can't do this because mum wouldn't like it, I can't do that because the preacher says it's forbidden, I won't do that because my friends lie and say they never do it. Honeypie, all people lie about sex. Once you close the bedroom door and it's just you and him, nothing is forbidden, everything is allowed, actually going wild with sex makes you closer, you share something that is forbidden and nobody ever knows. Your bedroom is your private secret and as long as it doesn't hurt or it doesn't disgust you for some unknown reason, it's always best to give it a try. He didn't want to marry a virgin school girl who always says no, he wanted to be with a soulmate who is willing to try, experiment, forget the world and build something between you that's special, important and valuable.Work on his bloody disgusting attitude, and then see if you can be his fantasy porn queen.. Porn queen's never say no, porn queens want to do lots of stuff. Wives that don't turn you away, but are willing to be your fantasy girl (always remembering you can say no to the hurtful and disgusting) are the women who you run back to every day.Tell him off, tell him if he EVER talks to you like a piece of crap, you will leave him, because you can get a man that knows a princess when he see's one. But for the sex business, I feel you got to try harder.. Check out this website, and next time you guys do sex, I want you to lead with a naughty wicked fantasy.I'm giving you permission to be wild, wicked and naughty, to experiment with this man who you vowed to love to the end of your days, and you hope to be buried with. Nobody is watching, he won't think it disgusting, he will be happy, and if you find things you like, you will grow in confidence, you will feel more sexy, and sex will not get boring.Make sex your private playground, and go and play just like children do, with no worries and no hangups. I give this permission to you. http://www.sexinfo101.com/PS: If you like soft romantic loving, this also doesn't have to be boring. Check on the internet for the Karma Sutra and Tantric sex.. romantic sex, lots of gentleness, which will blow both you and him apart. There is so much things to do in sex, that NO, NO, NO, is a pity and a deprivation.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I hate that... "professional at sex". Good quality sex shouldn't be about how high a skill level or how good at acting the role of "ideal sex partner" the person is. It should be about an actual connection with another human being and enjoying and celibrating each other's physical body and the emotional relationship between you. Yeah sometimes we just want to get our rocks off, but that is not REAL sex, that IS just getting your rocks off.
My 2 cents :) I had a boyfriend like yours, although he never told me in so many words that sex was boring with ME and didn't do it for him, he said sex was boring, and as I was the only person he was having sex with, it kinda gave me that impression. He also watched porn and told me once that he's seen so much, and so many, well, pervese things, that he has to look for more and more perverse things to get off to. Maybe your partner is like this. He has ruined his natural sex drive by watching all this porn, to the point where REAL sex doesn't do anything for him. Because he has looked for videos to stimulate his imagination, his own imagination is impotent and unable to bring anything to a real bed with a real woman. It's very, very sad really. And my ex put all that bad feeling on me by making me feel "not good enough" for him in the bedroom, when really he was not man enough for me. I stayed with him because I "loved him" or was emotionally attached. But he didn't deserve my love. I could and would have done almost anything with him sexually but he had little interest in vanilla sex so we never got to the kinky stuff. Very depressing. But these type of guys tell themselves they are perfectly fine in their mindset and the woman is at fault or can like it or lump it. They don't know how to have a real loving intimate relationship. The porn is a replacement because they can't open up to the chance of finding out they are not amazing between the sheets and that they are disappointing their woman, so they watch porn to make them feel like big men and they tell themselves and their partner they dont like sex with them because it's boring so that THEY feel better about themselves, when it is THEM that is boring and unimaginitive in bed. Otherwise they would DO something to IMPOROVE the sex instead of flaccidly giving up and avoiding it.
That felt good to get that out :) But it makes sense. If he was a good lover, sex would never be boring for him, no matter who the partner, especially with a woman he proposes to love. He is just afraid and unfairly puts the blame for his own personal issues onto his woman, who has a perfectly healthy view of sex, and makes her feel the problem is in her when it is actually his! Not only has he a problem but he does even more damage by transferring his shit to a woman who loves him. This behaviour is disgusting. He probably is not consciously aware that he has done this, he is deluding himself, and doing this because it feels good to him and gets him off the hook. But having a sexual relationship with this kind of man will continue to damage you. It sounds like you have a healthy, positive view of sex. Sex should be emotional, not cold. It is the most intimate thing you can share with another human being. It took me a long time to accept that the man I loved was not able to give me the kind of sex I crave, but after 3 years and everything he said, I accepted it wasn't likely going to change. You need to decide is your relationship with this man worth the damage you are receiving because of his negative relationship with sex and his non acceptance of his issue and transferrence of it onto you? This is NOT your problem. Remember that, it IS his problem. Sex, if found to be unsatifying with a lover, should motivate a person to make an effort to make it enjoyable for both people which involves imagination, and effort. You sound willing to put that in, where he would rather watch porn. So he is boring in bed, NOT you.
But returning to the point. I doubt he will change his pattern of behaviour, I could be wrong. But the point is you need to decide if this pain is worth it? Sure breaking up will be hard, very hard, but you will get through it and you will be open and free to meet a man who will love you right and enjoy sex very much.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (19 February 2012):
Honestly, saying someone "sucks at bed" is not a good excuse. Perhaps he is hiding something else.If you really suck at bed, ask him WHY. Take a notebook and a pen , and write down every aspect he tells you that you suck. Now, try to improve those aspects if possible. If he asking too much, or impossible stuff, you really should reconsider your relationship with him or going to couples therapy. Now, if he can't be too specific about why you suck, you should also consider couples therapy or your relationship with him.Honestly, I can't think of anyone that sucks at sex. If you want someone , it doesn't matter how bad at bed that person is. Just by having, or attempting to have sex, is good enough to strengthen bonds. Your husband seems very insensitive, lacks of empathy, and seems to have a problem with pornography. He might be expecting you to act and move just as the girls she watch on porn videos.But let me tell you a secret he might not know: THEY FAKE THEIR JOY AND ORGASMS. Basically, they all simulate their joy, and it's their job to convince the viewer they are liking it. Behind scenes, there are always guys evaluating the "joy" every girl is experiencing. Now, I must confess I also watch porn on a regular basis, the difference is that I'm in a LDR (long distance relationship), and I get to see my girlfriend once every 4 months due to economical reasons. I personally prefer having sex with my girlfriend that watching porn. She is far away from being a professional at sex [like the girls on porn], but I prefer her company, her warmth, her smile, her smell, her eyes, and her hair. There is nothing like a real, loving and caring woman.Just think it this way. Next time he tells you that you suck at bed, tell him: "At least I'm getter at sex than your computer screen" .Please keep us all updated!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Hello,
There are several issues with your husband. The first one seems to be a severe addiction to online pornography. The second is the lack of consideration for you. He seems to be blind to the fact that a marriage needs two people and requires regular if not constant communication which helps solve any issue, misunderstanding, and improve relationships. I also suggest that you think about whether this situation can be sorted out soon or if it has completely ruined your marriage. Courage and good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2012):
 I agree it's one thing to watch porn it's another to be insulting.
Personally he's as far out of line as a spouse can get IMO.
I'm also going to go out on a limb (as is my style) and make two suggestions of what you can do
1. leave the marriage as he's being emotionally abusive to you
or two
tell him:
1. I hear you and I accept that you are emotionally abusive and incapable of having an adult relationship. But I will stay with you. I am however going to be taking a lover to satisfy my needs. THEN go find yourself a FWB that knows about the situation and can deal with it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I love porn myself. Not addicted to it... if something, anything, gets to the point that it interferes with life than it's time to take a step back.It's not the porn that's the issue. It's that HE is letting it become a replacement for human interaction, which it should never be. At most porn should be a visual aid for masturbation and perhaps some inspiration for sexual techniques not yet tried with a partner.You two need to have a good sit down and figure out WHY he would prefer to jerk off to pixels on a screen and sounds from a speaker than to make mad, passionate love with an actual warm, human body that can think for herself.Maybe he's a douche. Maybe he's just got some fetishes he thinks you will freak out about. Who knows.The only way is to be honest. Both of you.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2012):
The porn is one thing. To actually say that you're boring in bed is pretty hurtful.
It sounds like he has a major addiction to porn, and it sounds like his commitment to you is pretty low.
To be honest, if I were you, I'd sit down and think about this marriage. Is he really a good husband, is this just one problem? Or are there many other problems too?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Pornography is an insidious and overwhelming addiction that can ruin a marriage. While I cannot possibly condone any kind of censorship, since I totally believe in free speech and expression, porn certainly infringes normal sexual relations. What else can I say? You must decide whether to deal with that on a long-term basis.
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