A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In April 2012, I had a boyfriend, who I had been dating for two years, die in an accident. We had been planning our engagement and had even put an offer in on a house. After the accident happened, I was shut out completely by his family. It's such a long story and I feel like I've made somewhat peace with that. I'm very religious and I feel that that was God trying to help me move on. There is a lot of drama associated with a small town, a tight knit family - just a community that I was never really a part of. To give an example, I wasn't invited when they spread his ashes.I saw a therapist for over a year and have started takeing medication for anxiety and depression. I feel they help tremendously.Since he died, I have started dating another guy. We are serious now as well. I feel I connected with him so easily because his mother recently passed away. He understands loss and I needed someone who did. I still miss my old boyfriend.Now, I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year. He's a great guy. He's a hard worker and he has a huge heart. I know he loves me so much. I want to make that clear. I love him too. I really care about him.I feel trapped though. I feel like I am stuck in this relationship until something tragic happens again. I'm afraid of losing him because I don't want to be left again and I have been thinking about leaving him because I don't want to get hurt so intensely again. Does that make sense? I feel like it sounds so stupid and so silly but I don't know what to do. I feel like if I leave him, I would be making a huge mistake. There aren't very many men out there like him. When I'm in a relationship, I like to do things for them. I like to take care of them and I want them to take care of me. I feel like this part about me is something that I have to figure out though. I don't think that this issue would go away with someone else either. What do I do? Do I tough it out? Will these feelings subside? Did I rush into a relationship too quickly? And, even if I decide to leave, it would be difficult. We share a bank account - for a long list of reasons. It just kind of happened. I live with him and am not working - I'm attending college full time and I am in my last semester. If I moved out, I would move back in with my parents. I just don't know that I want to do that either. I don't know what to do but these feelings are intense and I need some advice from a 3rd party. What would you do if you were me?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2013):
 First, I am sorry for your loss. Don't think that just because you are in a new relationship you shouldn't grieve over your former boyfriend who died. He isn't an ex, you never broke up. Rules are different then, it's not like with an ex where you shouldn't bring him into a new relationship. What happened to you was that you lost someone you loved dearly, and that becomes part of your experience. You experienced a great loss. This takes time to heal from, and you will probably never stop missing him and thinking about him. But in time, it will hurt less. In time, you will cry less. And in time, you will be able to think of him with a smile, remembering the good times you had and how this is the purpose of life: to live it while it lasts. We are all going to die one day, some sooner than others. You can't prevent it, the only thing you can do is enjoy it while it lasts and be thankful for the experience and memories.
I know that probably doesn't sound like much comfort, but it puts things in perspective. People die. No one is with you forever. You might die. Your boyfriend will be the one grieving then. People go to war and die. Children die.
Do we stop living because we fear death?
Think about it. Your time will come too, and you will die. That is inevitable. Everyone you know will die too. Do you wish you were never born, because losing something you love is so filled with pain?
You can't go back in time and stop yourself from being born. And, if you are thinking about ending your life, you will eventually die one day, by the will of God. When your time comes. Rushing to death will not save you from the heartache. On the contrary, it will make everyone else who loves you feel exactly the way you did when your boyfriend died.
So, what can you do?
Nothing other than be happy each day you have on earth, live life to it's fullest, and be grateful for the good things in life. You have a boyfriend now that you love. Be grateful for him. You have family who loves you, be grateful for them. Do the best you can with your life, grow, develop, give to others, bring happiness to those around you. And when your time comes, or the time of someone else comes, you can rest assured that you gave it all and you have no regrets.
You made your boyfriend happy the time he had on earth. That matters. It mattered to him. You were important to him, just like he was important to you. You are important to your new boyfriend as well, and I think he is also important for you. I hope you can find comfort in that.
You will get through this and be happy again, and the pain will be less of a burden, and will make you a stronger person. And when you are old and gray you can tell your grandchildren about him, and about love, and life, and all the other experiences you've made.
So for now, my advice to you is to let life happen. You can't plan it, you can't prevent it, you can't avoid it. Just let it happen.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 November 2013):
Hi there. I understand how you have a sense of doom, because of previously loving someone so deeply, planning for a future together, and then that tragic accident which took him from you.
It is natural that you feel this way, and having someone you love so deeply taken from you, and fearing to love again because of this.
It is difficult NOT to feel this way, under these circumstance, I'm sure.
History won't always repeat itself, so don't go assuming it will automatically happen with every romantic relationship you have.
Somehow you have to take your focus off this extremely sad event in your life, and try to live only in the present moment and enjoy the NOW.
Now is really all that we have, so we might as well try and make the most of it, as life is very short and so we want to be happy as much as possible.
And to do this, you need to simply enjoy the moment whenever you are together, whatever you are doing.
And don't think about tomorrow, next week or next year - just today, right now this very second.
If you haven't already told him about your previous boyfriend, well then you need to share your fears with him, so he doesn't feel you are somewhow rejecting him.
You don't want to push him away, and have him thinking you don't care for him anymore.
You need to put all your cards on the table and be open and honest with him, about your true feelings, and your fears as well.
A wise suggestion might be that you have a heart to heart chat with him, and suggest to him that you slow things down a bit, so you don't feel any pressure to move things along too quickly.
You don't want to speed things up just yet, as this could bring on your deepseated fear of losing him.
Clearly, you want him in your life and can see for yourself that he is good for you, and is a good man.
And so you really DON'T want to lose him at all.
And so because of this, to keep things moving along slowly is possibly the wisest move you can make.
And you both need to be on the same page here.
Honesty is the only way to clarify this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): I don't think you're readyu to be in a relationship if you're having such crazy thoughts about leaving a loving serious committed relationship.The chances of this boyfriend dying in an accident straight after the last one are about as much as winning the lottery.
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