A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with "Lisa" since preschool and "Angela" since seventh grade. I was the "good" one of the group, mostly because I had REALLY strict parents (as in, we were only allowed to watch Christian shows/listen to Christian music. We weren't allowed to get driver's licenses or ride our bikes out of view of the house. We weren't allowed to get jobs because we could always volunteer at church and put that on a resume. You get the idea. My parents let me go to a public college 2.5 hours away (thank God!) and I was really annoyed when I found out Lisa was going to the same college. See, I wanted to finally be myself and finally do things other people did in high school - you know - catch up. I wanted to get drunk, smoke pot, kiss and flirt with boys, and maybe even kiss a girl. OK, definitely kiss a girl - I always wanted to do that and while I did kiss a boy once, I REALLY hated it. And I didn't want to do all these things all the time, I just wanted to see waht it was like so I wouldn't be so naive and clueless about everything because that just makes it easy for people to take advantage. And they do. Constantly. And I don't know how to get out of it.Well, my mom decided it would be "great" if Angela and her new boyfriend could come up and visit me for a weekend while I was at college. she just pretty much set this up for me. That REALLY annoyed me because people up here know I'm bisexual and they know I flirt a lot and that I smoke pot sometimes. Lisa doesn't know and the people from church don't know but my friends here INSIST on making it difficult as possible for me to do anything without having to jump through all these hoops just to do what THEY'RE doing and they're con stantly threatening to tell my church friends. I would REALLY like to look into the Unitarian church or Wicca but I can't because my church friends are ALWAYS popping over without being invited even though they all have cell phones and it's NOT THAT HARD to call and make sure it's OK to come over. I am too scared to tell them to because I'm afraid they'll confront me, because they do that anyway. The only reason I'm in church is because my first day up here, my mom IMMEDIAITELY found the church, introduced me to the pastor, gave him HER number and told him to expect me there every week, twice a week and she decided for me to introduce me to youth group kids to make sure I'd be in it. So she pretty much forced me into it and I have to juggle to keep them from finding things out and telling my parents. Because they said they'd pull me out if I didn't live rightAnyway, Angela came up and Lisa's a stripper now and we went to the club to hang out with her and see what it was like. Angela and lisa are VERY sympathetic about how I don't want church people knowing all that about me but they DO NOT know that I am bisexual because neither or them approve. I mean, it's OK for LISA to be bisexual and strip and hang out and flirt with boys and even sleep around, but she's always done that behind her parents' backs and Angela says that's just her but it's not "me" and that she'll tell my parents if I "turned bi" or did drugs or anything. So my friends had to basically hide too, which they are already sick of doing because of my church friends. It's hard enough to keep THEM not mad at me because they keep threatening to ditch me as it is because they'r;e sick of hiding all the time who they are (most of them are gay) because of the church friends I'm not allowed to get rid of (and I'd feel guilty doing that too because I'm afraid theuy'll call my parents or the police)So Angela brought up her boyfriend and this other guy she knew and I was flirting really hard with him at the strip club and wearing Lisa's clothes so I was really sexy. And I made out with him and rubbed on him A LOT all night but that's only because I wanted to have fun like Lisa does. Problem is, Angela decided I "really like him" and said she was surprised but she gave him my number and my facebook info and all of that. I have to have two facebooks as it is because of how everyone is in my business constantly and not letting me just be ME. The whole point of moving 2.5 hours away in the first place.Anyway, I didn't WANT him to have my number. I really just thought I'd never see him again so I felt safe messing around. Problem is, he only lives half an hour away and now he WONT GO AWAY. He comes down a few times a week without calling first, just smirked when I told him to call first and said that wasn't necessary because he had my school and volunteer and church schedule because my roommate gave it to him. My friends up here, the ones I smoke pot with gave ALL that to him and they think it's funny that he won't leave me alone.How do I explain that I don't want him around at all, I don't want anything to do with him without pissing him off or hurting him? How do I do that without risking him or Angela telling my parents? How do I get the church friends to call first and stop nosing around in my life? I'm trying to enjoy being young and find myself before I'm too old to do it. I mean, if I waited until I was 23 and out of school, I'd be too old tostart all this stuff that I'm doing now.Please help!
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 You're in a rotten situation. I suppose that even if you told your parents who the 'real you' was they wouldn't accept it. So the dilemma -- do you play by their rules and get your degree? Or do you assert yourself as an adult and move out on your own. You know you have that option. There might be financial assistance from your school, scholarships and such that could help you get through school on your own. Or you could put school on hold for the time being, get a job, and set up an independent life. Bottom line is that if you no longer accept the Christian lifestyle that your parents insist on, living it will keep you unhappy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): OP here
I tried to tell my church friends that I really wasn't into going to church right now and that I needed to find myself. Now, they're all bothering me EVEN MORE and they even had an "emergency meeting" about me. Some of them came over to talk to me and to let me know that they decided to call my mom and that either they would tell them that I was smoking weed and hanging out with homosexuals or that we could tell them together over speaker phone. I begged them not to but they said no, and that they would be calling my parents. I wanted to call security to get them out, but my roommates told me not to because then THEY would get in trouble. They did go off on my church friends, who left, but they still called my parents.
My parents showed up at my dorm the next day with the pastor's wife and literally began helping me pack because they planned to take me out of college. Yes, they walked me to the office to withdrawal. They expect me to get a job with the church so I can pay off all of the bills and they are not going to help me with any tuition until I pay it back. Then, they have decided that I need to attend a Christian college.
I just wanted to let you know what happened with me since I couldn't get back into the account anymore. I'm so depressed I don't know what to do and I basically had to sneak to get on this site in the first place. Thank you for trying to help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): Tell the guy he's creeping you out and back off. Tell the church friends to stop playing cupid and get a life because the you you are they have no idea n they should let u live. U may have to Un friend them. It's best to because they will never accept the new you even though it's not new it's just new to them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): Hi there, You're also too old to be living a double life. I understand how hard all of this can be. I was a fundamentalist Christian until age 25, way longer than I actually believed in any of it, but I was raised as such and lived with my fundamentalist parents at the time (and they lived in the same subdivision as all the others in the 'cult,' so I get the constant supervision and people constantly popping over and checking up on your behavior under the guise of 'accountability'). It sounds like your parents are paying for you to go to college (why else would they have the power to 'pull you out' if you're a legal adult?). No matter. Look into scholarships. Take out a loan. Prepare yourself, and then "come out" to them, if not about the bisexuality, at least about the fact that you no longer want to go to church and do not believe in what the church teaches (it sounds like you don't). Religious parents often react explosively to children announcing they are no longer religious; disownment is actually on the table. You need to be prepared, but I believe that no price is too high to be able to live with integrity and out in the open. Church friends will always nose around in your life. That's just what they do. When everything is forbidden, the social life thrives on the super-juiciness of someone breaking one of the rules. Even if they pretend they want to see you 'living right,' what they're really hoping for is the thrill of you NOT doing something right. I would stop going to the church if you don't really want to go to the church. Church friends, 99% of them, are 'friends' only if you have an ideology identical to theirs. Once they realize you don't, they'll vanish like they were ghosts. Forget about the guy you made out with or Angela or Lisa. These are not the real issues. You living a double life is the real issue. Take real steps to stop doing that, and everything else will fall into place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): DOn't answer the door when they come over, tell your roommate not to either, pretend you were out. If they don't call then you can't be expected to house them or even see them. It's not that difficult, after two times of being locked out completely for hours, they will ge tthe hint
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