A
male
age
,
*oeyBBB
writes:Two months ago I started dating a woman who is six months into a separation and is getting divorced. She has 3 young children (I have not met the children). Yesterday she said she is not ready for a relationship. She has too much "stuff" to take care of. She said she needs time to be single and find out who she is and what she wants. Although she likes me very much she is affraid that if we continue dating she will later regret not taking more time for herself and possibly blame me later. I agree with what she says but I am still devastated. I am very attracted to her and very smitten by her. We have an incredible attraction that I feel could be meaningful if we could pursue it. She indicated that she doesn't know what the future holds. She has not ruled out dating in the future but for now she's just not ready. I'm affraid that putting our feelings on hold will not lead to us dating in the future. I can't stop thinking about her. I replay our conversation over and over. My brain wants to give her the space and time she needs but my heart wants more now. I don't know how to resolve this within myself.
View related questions:
divorce, needs space Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 August 2008):
 Hi, Good, the medicine is working well. You don't know what to do, well there are two paths. First path, you cll her, set a date for lunch, not dinner. Short and sweet, if she blows you off for this weekend, ask her for the next feasible date. Talk to her and get a fix on what she wants. Listen and follow through if, she doesn't want to be bothered now, then go away. If she does then go from there. As I think I had said in the past, ther are other fish in the sea, this is not the only woman you can be happy with, stop trying to sell yourself on that idea. Sjhe is not Venus or somebody. Second option, you can just stop cold, not call her anymore and she if she calls or text messages
you. If she doesn't move on, plain and simple, it may be painful, but I have always said I would not want to be with anyone who would not want to be with me. I have too much pride and I love myself and feel that I am the best thing that could happen to anyone. You need to get to that place.
You have to be able to be your own best friend, and not, not feel that you have to have one person only to ne happy, that is a fantasy. Now decide what you want to do, take charge of your life, it is the only one you have, and don't let what someone else does, make you so unhappy that you don't know what to do, that is giving another person too much powerf over your life. Especially if they are busy being happy themselves. Bunk that! You need to get anrgy about it and make it not matter. You can do that if you want too. I do believe that! Now move on and make the decision as to what you want to do. Stay in touch. Remember no one can make you feel any way at all, unless you give them that ability. No one. Take care.
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (26 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the record I have been seeing my doctor and adjusted my medication to help with anxiety symptoms. I agree that I been a little selfish in this situation. I have not done this with past relationships. If anything I have always been too good to the girls I've dated. And I'm trying to do that here. I see how some women are treated by their husbands or boyfriends and wonder why they stay with them. I have friends who have noticed the same thing and wonder if some women just search out guys who treat them poorly. If anything I have treated women too well. I was raised to respect women and believe that a woman should be treated with the utmost respect. The woman I talk about was treated terribly by her husband. She is being strong and getting divorced so that her girls don't have to grow up in that kind of household, She is a good woman and deserves a man that will treat her right. I don't know what to do now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 August 2008):
Hi there, You are closer than I am and so you know what is going on better than I. I want you to think which is better texting her or telephoning her, mythought is thatif you call her, you probably should ask her out to talk and not just ask her the question I posed. This probably needs to be discussed at a sit dowm session and not asked over the telephone or texted messaged. This is very important, you will have to give her time, so if you are going to ask her out, you should probably call her no later than Thursday for the weekend as a possibility. I leave it to you, don't text her or anything before Thursday if that is your choice to ask her out. Think about it and decide, also be ready for her to say no, because from the text messaging you sent, she is being evasive. It should be nailed down, though what are her plans, there has been some time now that you two have not gotten together. Good luck, stay in touch. Take care, hope you are being diligent with your medicine.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 August 2008):
 So she never called you or took you up on the offer you extended. And she completely ignored the 'kisses' comment. If she were interested, you have given her every opportunity to respond in that way. She is not responding either to your sexual comments or the non-sexual merely friendly ones. The prognosis is grim. I think you may need to start planning moving on from her. If you're prepared, it will be easier later. I know this sounds very negative, but you have not offered one positive or proactive thing she's done in the past 3 months. It's all been keeping you at arm's length, and now only responding to texts you send. You never really gave her a chance to initiate her texts or calls; she knows you'll do that for her.
How are those anti-anxiety meds working out for you?
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (26 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input. But her comment 'thanks for your thoughts' came after I asked her how she was doing and offered that I was available if she needed anything or just someone to talk to. She never did reply to the 'kisses' comments. If I call her I'm wondering when I should call. I'm wondering if this week is too soon after all my texting. Next week her kids go back to school and she will be busy with that. I do see what you're saying though about her just being polite.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 August 2008):
Joey, thanks for the updates. My take on this situation is that she simply isn't that interested in pursuing a relationship with you. You gave her several chances at a date--she basically said her September was booked and that next week wasn't good because she was with her kids. That's not the sign of a woman who is interested in you. I'm afraid you did overdo the texting, brought up the kissing a bunch of times, and the bet. She never replied back, 'yeah, that was great and I can't wait to do it again.' Instead you got, 'thanks for your thoughts.' As you said, not very personal. It seems she's trying to be polite but not encourage you in any way. In the texts you listed, she never initiated and she never got personal or responded to the kissing thing or the sexual bet. My radar tells me she's being polite and isn't really interested. Sorry.
The other information about rumors at the club and the funny phone beep; she may indeed be dating another man right now. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me too.
I think Artistry's approach, which I think would be best in a phone call, if I read her answer to you correctly, her approach is a good idea if you want to know where you are with her. Be positive, try not to let your anxiety show. If you're feeling too anxious, I wouldn't try it until you were back on an even keel again.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (26 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very nervous about this. Should I call her and ask this? She hasn't texted me back since Saturday when she was playing golf. And that text didn't give me any indication if she was joking about her playing like crap or if she was serious and mad that I was bothering her. By the way there was a 40th birthday party Saturday night for a mutual friend. Actually the party was for a friend of mine and his wife is a friend of Kathleen's. I didn't go since I was at the beach. But I got no text response from her Saturday night or Sunday. I did text her Saturday night reminding her of our first date and kiss. I'm wondering if she went to the party or if she went with a date. I doubt she would take a date since she tried so hard with me to not let anyone know we dated. But at this point I don't know what she might be thinking. Also the party included a bunch of people from the club where the rumor about her 'sleeping around'. She usually texts me back and this time she hasn't. Even after I apologized for all the texting I was doing. This all weighs on me very much.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (25 August 2008):
Hi, Thanks very much for the update. I was wondering how you were doing. Very interesting texting. Here's my suggestion, do not ask her out to lunch or dinner, tell her "I want to ask you someting, I want to do what will make you happy, because I care, my question is, where are
you with needing your space as you stated some time ago, have you worked through some of that? Where are you now,
can we put a little less space between us or are you still in need of working through the situation?" If you want to change any words, fine, but that would be my way of finding out where the two of you are, at this point in time, I am hoping that she tells you what is going on instead of you trying to guess where she is. The answer should let you know which way to go, don't read anything in to anything, she should be honest enough to let you know where the two of you go from here. One thing you must do, accept what she says. If she wants to be closer with you , you will know. Gather your positive thoughts , and find out if she is ready to get back in the water, she was hinting at enjoying your time together when she texted you. Let's just see where she is, instead of you trying to guess all the time. let me know what she says, good luck and stay positive. Take care. Don't act anxious when you text her, you must give the appearance of being okay with what she says.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (25 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still struggling with this situation with girl. I have texted her several times ove the past few weeks. She has usually responded but her responses don't seem to be very personal. On 8/15 we had some good texting, I had taken my nieces to the beach and we chatted about that.
But on 8/16 the texting got interesting. There apparantly was an incident at our club that she made me aware of but I havn't talked to her to get any details. On 8/16 I texted her and asked if she got home from her vacation. I then said "whatcha doin?" She responded that she was doing house stuff and going a friends 40th bday party that night. This where the texting got interesting.
- I text - "Too bad I'm not home or I could be your date to the party"
- her reply - "I don't think you would want anything to do with me right now"
- me - "with that response I'm almost afraid to ask why?"
- her - "don't you know that I'm sleeping with everyone at the club and breaking up marriages in my spare time"
- me - "I have no idea what you are talking about"
- her - "You're lucky, I'll tell you later"
- me - "do you want to talk later tonight and catch up? call me if you want. but I think I can guess what you're talking about"
Seems that a few guys at the club are getting separated and rumors are spreading that she is 'sleeping around'.
The next morning 8/17 she texted
- her - "tired of talking about it, but thanks. You been going to the beach every weekend? I never see you but I'm not around either."
- me - "I havn't been around the club at all except for twilight golf so I guess I'm out of the gossip loop. Sounds like I'm missing some good stuff. I've been at the beach almost every wknd. There's just nothing to do at home. Would like to see you. Are you doing ok? I do think about you."
- her (later in the day) - "playing golf this afternoon"
- me - "keep track of your pars, we have an open wager"
- her - "you are too much"
- me - "I can't help myself, and I will be paying off my debt one day"
- me later - "what was the par damage, what do I owe you?"
- her - "sorry no pars"
- me - "you should be sorry, not me, you're missing out on good stuff"
(if you remember we had a 'sexual' bet when her and I played)
- me later that night - "I hope I didn't go overboard with my texting today, I was feeling playful and you seemed to be playful too, so I went with it"
- me - "One more thing, you still have an open invitation to the beach, weekday or weekend, thru the end of september, just say when. We can go as friends, separate beds, no kissing, I won't even tell you how pretty you are, unless you get me drunk ... you make the call. However you feel comfortable is ok with me."
On 8/18 she replied
- her -"thanks for the beach offer, september is very busy for me with the girls, its soccer time"
- me - "you have the girls today, would you like to do lunch?"
- her - "I am waiting for them to come home now, have them this week"
- me - "It's been so long since I've seen you or talked to you I thought we could catch up"
- me - later at night - "goodnight"
On 8/19 I played golf in twilight league and texted her about my birdies. She asked me if I heard the rumors. I said kind of but not too much. I asked if I could call her and she said the girls were having a sleepover with friends. I asked her to call late night when the kids were in bed. She said maybe but she couldn't promise.
On 8/20 I texted
- me - "are you doing ok?'
- her - "busy with the girls is good for me"
- me - "If you need anything or just someone to talk to, I'm here and I'm a good listener, and I care, a lot"
On 8/21 she replied
- her - "thanks for your thoughts"
Later that night I tried calling while I was driving to the beach but I got her machine and left a message. But when I called her phone rang and the made a strange beep sound. I think this means that she is talking on the phone and not picking up call waiting.
On 8/22 she texted me in the morning saying she was sorry she missed my calls, her phone was charging downstairs and she was in bed. I texted a reply later that night with "Ok".
(I was kind of upset here because I was wondering if she was lying to me. I thought she was talking on the phone when I called, but I can't be sure. This makes me wonder who she was talking to and why she didn't call back.)
On 8/23 I texted her a lot. It was three months ago that we first kissed. Here's what I said:
- 8/23/08 12:32pm - I texted "Do you realize that 3 months ago today ..."
- me 12:46pm - "... we played golf then you took me to dinner at Harryman House for our first real date, then... "
- me 12:57pm - "... we went back to my house and ..."
- me 1:17pm - "... kissed for the first time, it ..."
- me 1:32pm - "... it lasted for 3 hours until 2 in the morning..."
- her 2:13pm - "are u reading from something? I'm trying to play golf and playing like crap the last 2 holes"
- me 2:19pm - "Reading? Nope, just my thoughts and a friendly reminder ... are those great thoughts affecting ur golf game? I can help ur golf."
- her 3:00pm - "I suck. Picked up on 15 hole"
- me 3:14pm - "You need me, and I can help your golf game too"
- me 6:53pm - "... Oh for the record, our kisses were awesome, I could have kissed you all night, we make a great couple... of kissers"
- me 8:30pm - "It was about this time that I confessed that I have been attracted to you for years ... and I drank wine"
- me 10:50pm - "It was about this time that we first kissed ... I'm feeling all goose bumply"
- me 10:55pm - "that was my last text ... maybe"
8/24/08 afternoon - I texted "Sittin on the beach, just took a nap ... beautiful day"
- me later at night - "hey Kathleen, sorry if I went overboard with the texting. I was just thinking about you and as always wondering if you're doing ok ... we should catch up soon."
I'm getting a bad feeling in my gut. I may have done too much. But how do I know? I want to talk to her so bad. I was thinking about calling her one night this week. I just don't know what to do. I am feeling very anxious. I want to ask her if she wants to keep in touch, but that I am not sure how to go about doing this. I don't want to do too much but I also don't want to do too little. I need her feedback on what she feels comfortable with. Should I ask her to lunch or dinner once in a while or maybe a phone call once in a while? I so badly want to know what she is thinking. I also want to know what happened at the club with the rumors. I am so confused. Help!
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (12 August 2008):
Hi again, Sorry but I wanted to explain something. The reason for trying to keep the lunch or whatever you ask her to do, short, is that you want to stir up a need in her to see you, not always being available for her at any turn. If you get out of the way, like absence sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, the person will miss you, I am sure you know this, but you must try to practice it. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (12 August 2008):
Hi there, I think it was good judgment on your part to wait until she gets back to ask her to go out to lunch. When you do ask her, you might preface, by asking if she has time to have a cup of tea, coffee, or I wan't finish the clique, but you want to make it a short encounter and end it before it gets to be too long. Letting her have her space again. Keep taking your medicine, I am glad it is helping you more. Also keep fighting the desire to think about her so much. It's seems to be getting better for you, but keep up your resistence. End of the summer? How about starting now to maybe find some groups at you nearest library, who have special sessions about special activities. I would think that the bulletin board at the library would have some interesting things going on. Or your local newspapers community events, there are probably so many things happening that you won't have enough time, you just have to
explore, things that you might not have ever had any interest in before, could spark your interest now. How about enrolling in a class, ever want to learn how to watercolor, or know something about gemstones, there is so much in the world that we can learn, that will keep us growing. Try it, expand your universe, and of all things, please do not feel sorry for yourself in any way, you are blessed, and physically able to walk, talk and see, so many people are not, count the wheelchairs that you see or the folks walking with canes and wearing dark glasses, although they may be shamming :o), there are many handicapped people. Oh yes, what about helping the children out who need mentors, like in the Girls and Boys Club, interested in scouting, they probably have fall and winter activities. You are needed, find those that need you, it has given me such pleasure to work with children in the past. I was asked to write plays for these gifted children, and they just showered me with affection, when we were done, it is very gratifying. Find your additional place and space, you will be glad you did. Giving is good, give as much as you can of your time. You are doing well and you will do better. It has been proven in the past that once you release something, like your friend, you may find that it comes back to you in due time, and when you make it less of a need, it more than likely shows up, because it doesn't mean as much to you, and that is the time that you can deal with it better. Think about it. Always glad to hear from you. Hope some of this helps. Take care, and let me know when, not if, you find some things to do after the summer. You don't have to be bored, you can choose to be, but you don't have to be. Cheers.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (12 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I texted her again this past weekend. I know that I should stay away but I just think about her and I give in to emotions. Then I break down and text her. After I do I kind of wait on edge for a reply. I was at my beach house again this past weekend. After a late nite out at the local bars I was walking home and started thinking about how much I miss her and how bad I want to keep in touch. Then I texted her. Here's what was said:
- I texted "are your parents spoiling you?"
- on Saturday morning she replied "spoiled rotten hate to go home"
- I replied "when you coming home?"
- she replied a few hours later "not until wed. or thur."
I wanted to keep going but I stopped myself. I wanted to ask her if she would like to have lunch or something when she returns. But I thought it best to wait til she returns and call and ask her.
I think my meds are helping as I have been less anxious. I seem to be a little better able to put thoughts of her aside and get on with other stuff. But when I am out socializing I feel less motivated to be talkative and seem to think more about her.
I get worried about the end of summer. As you can see I go to the beach a lot and when that ends my social life kinda stops. The change of season is always hard for me. The friends I hang out with at the beach do not live near my home so that social network ends. It's only early August and I'm already worried about September and not having anything to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hi there, Sounds positive. Going to see the doctor is a good thing. That you are less anxious is a very good thing, keep it up. It is probably good that you did not go to happy hour, especially if you were going to be kooking for her. Lighen up a bit oin the texting. Let her wonder where you are, if she statrs to origiate some of the texts, then that would be a good sign. If you are texting her all the time, she is being polite to respond, try to be a bit more independent. Try walking a little without her holding you up. You are gradually getting there, you have come a long way here, keep going. learn to be you own best friend.
Keep taking your medicine. It would be nice if you got a hobby to fill in the still time. Thanks for responding to my inquiry, I worry that you are brooding. Take care, be good to yourself. Remember, light on the texting. :o)
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (6 August 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I didn't go to the happy hour. I went to the beach for the weekend instead. I rent a house for the summer with several friends. Although I wasn't planning on beaching last weekend I didn't want to stay home alone all weekend with nothing to do. I would rather have nothing to do while sitting on the beach.
I did send her a card last week with the 'porpoise' on the front and wished her a happy vacation. A couple days later she texted me "thanks for the card, looking forward to being spoiled by mom and dad and getting away from this place". I replied with text, "you deserve to be spoiled".
Below is some other texting we did.
While at the beach last Friday I texted her late night saying "goodnite". The next day she replied "staying up late I see". I replied "I was drunk texting".
Later on Saturday early in the evening I texted "I'm drinking already, beware of late nite drunk texting". She replied "ready". I replied "I will not be responsible for what I say when I'm drunk". At 11:30pm Saturday I texted "early nite, not feeling well"
On Sunday night I texted "did you get to your parents yet?" She replied "yes at 5 o'clock, long day of driving, in bed already". I replied "glad you made it safe, hope you and the girls have lots of fun, when will you be back?"
Last night I played golf and texted her "4 birdies tonight in twilight league". She responded "glad to see someone is playing well". This morning I replied "you played well at SP last week".
Not sure about all of this, I just want to keep in touch.
As for other stuff I am feeling a little less anxious. I went to my doctor for a follow up and he gave me something else to take for the anxiety long term.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hi, I was sitting here waiting for your response to how your Friday evening happy hour went? Was she there and did you have a good time? I hope so, let me know. Hope you are doing well. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
Hi, Joey, thanks for the followup. I just wanted to try to have you get a wider perspective on your situation, rather than obsess over little decisions. By spending a lot of time fretting about the little decisions, you are avoiding the larger issue.
You also seem to me to be putting too much time and mental effort into worrying about her at the moment. It sounds like you have a lot of other things on your plate at the moment. Maybe you've fixated on her a little bit to take your mind off your job stress and financial worries?
Again, I go back to your increasing anxiety about seeing her. Why not simply say hello, exchange a few words about your respective vacations and then go off and find someone else to talk with?
Look, now you've got me focused on the little things.
If you're unhappy about not having plans for the weekend, make some today. Phone a friend you haven't seen in a while, buy some tickets for a concert and away you go. Go for a hike, pack a picnic lunch and a good book (and sunscreen). Spend some time outdoors, get some exercise and take your mind to another place via the book.
I think you're being unrealistic that an herbal remedy is going to fix this anxious thought process you've developed. It's time to revisit therapy again. Your coping mechanisms are failing you and you're reverting to old self-destructive behavior. I understand, I've done the same thing.
Big picture, big picture. It should be all about YOU, she's just a distraction keeping your mind off your other issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (31 July 2008):
Hi there, In answer to you going to play golf, and being there for Happy Hour. I would go, why stop your life? Go and have fun, don't go looking for her, that's the last thing I would do. You have to let her know that you have a life beyond her, if she sees you are following behind her, she will think, I'm the only thing he has going on. That to me will be a turn off to this woman, although it may be true. I would mingle with other people, men and women. If you see her, wave, and go on about your business. If she wanys to talk to you, she will find you. This way you will get an idea of where she is. Let it be a test, and do ot go seeking her out. Omega-3 oil capsules have been given by doctors to their patients to help with depression, you can ask your doctor about it, if you wnat to, never a bad idea.
I know nothing about the other supplement you mentioned. But check with your doctor. I think, that you can learn to control some of these emotions, if you change your perspective, and if you want to change your prespective.
You are the master of your universe, your mental thoughts can control you physical being. Try to find your belief in a better future for yourself regarding everything. No one person can be responsible for your happiness, you have to be happy, before you meet anyone else, they can add to you happiness, but you must first be content with yourself. Try to find that contentment, and if it takes talking to a therapist, than go and talk to a professional. Do not allow yourself to be bogged down into serious depression, help yourself, please. Take care and stay in touch.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (31 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get anxious when thinking about 'stuff'. Usually I am able to handle the pressure and stress of work, finances, home life and love life. But this recent situation with this woman on top of the other stuff has taken the anxiety to another level. The more I read and research the more I believe that the anxiety has taken hold. For example when I think about the upcoming weekend I get anxious about not having any plans and how I'm going to feel Saturday morning when I wake up and have nothing to do. Also this coming Friday there is a first Friday of the month happy hour at the golf club where this girl and I are members. I usually enjoy these happy hour events. It was at these happy hours earlier in the year that I became aware of this girl and her separation and divorce. For the first few months of the year we talked and flirted and eventually started dating in early May. Now I am getting very stressed and anxious about the possibility of seeing her this Friday. I may play golf Friday afternoon and if I do then I will be around for the happy hour. If I go and if I see her do you have any suggestions for what I should say or do? I'm afraid of saying too much and also not saying enough or saying the wrong thing. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth. By the way no one else at the club was aware that we dated. We kept our relationship totally private. Can you feel the anxiety I feel? When researching anxiety on the internet I came across a natural supplement for anxiety called Seredyn. Have any of you heard of it? It is suppose to quiet the restless mind and relieve feelings of anxiety. Thanks for your help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (30 July 2008):
Hi there, I am going to allow you to absorb what askoldersister and Tisha, have given you. I agree with everything Tisha said. Her advice is spot on, and covers areas that we did not touch on. So stay in touch, but re-ead Tisha's reponse and try to implement what she has told you. Talk to you soon. Remember the tea. :o)
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (29 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input. Yes I do take my medication and have been on it for depression for several years. I have been functioning very well and have been very successfull in my career for many years. As for therapy I have not needed it in many years, although I do see my doctor annually for a medication checkup. After this recent episode I did go see my doctor again in reference to this situation and the anxiety it was causing me. He did prescribe another medication to take as needed to help with the anxiety. It's the constant ruminating that gets to me. In addition to the recent episode with this woman I have been very stressed for several months. My career is in financial sales and this has been a bad year so far. Plus I have lost alot of money personally in the stock market. So with those stresses already in place the recent breakup has been that much harder. Seems all the stress and 'thinking' has been overwhelming. Getting back this woman I was dating I worry and stress about the potential to run into her. See we both belong to the same golf club and there is a good chance I could see her there. So just the thought of going there causes anxiety. I feel like a schoolboy who has a crush and is afraid of running into the girl he likes and will not know what to say.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
Hi, JoeyBBB,
I've read this thread and just wanted to add my thoughts to the aunts who have already given you so much great advice.
To my mind, you are spending too much time focusing on card vs. gift, lunch vs. coffee, those are all little details compared to the big picture.
The big picture is that she is going through a divorce, has children to care for and only so much energy to devote to other's needs. And, sorry to be a bit blunt, you sound very needy. I understand that you have a history of depression and that you get very panicky and anxious, especially when you go through a break up. In a way, this is a break up, even though you weren't together very long. And from what you've been writing, it doesn't seem that you have yet acquired the coping skills to deal with the situation of being 'rejected' by a woman. I use the word 'rejected' here because she has told you she wants space.
I find it interesting that while Artistry has asked you several times if you have been taking your medications, you have avoided answering. It's also not clear to me if you are seeing a therapist now or not. So I'm worried that you are expecting this woman to fix things for you, that if you two do get into a relationship that she will magically make things better for you.
Look at it from her side. She is going through a very traumatic situation, divorce, and has children to care for and try to make things as normal as possible for them. She is no doubt exhausted by this monumental effort. From what I've been reading in the way you've reacted to her, you sound like yet another fragile psyche to take care of. She has only so much energy for life's challenges, and draining off some of that to devote to you is just beyond her right now, from what I'm hearing.
I'd like to suggest a way of thinking about this that may help you get some perspective, and stop focusing on the little details, 'should I send the card or not?'
Think of this as a job interview. She currently is not hiring anybody, but there may be a vacancy in the future. So, in filling this position, what kind of man do you think she would like to be with? What strengths does he have, what does he have to offer her and her children? What would the ideal man's resume for her read like?
Then reflect on your current status and situation. You are frazzled, panicked, thinking about her too much, this is affected things in your life to the detriment of your own mental health.
So, carrying on this idea, what do you need to do in order to improve your resume? What will make you look good and appealing to her?
For one, getting back to some balanced thinking would be a good start. Take your meds, as I think you know you should be, and I do hope you've been doing. See that therapist, if you have not been going, and if you have, start working on the positive thinking techniques that have been suggested to you. If you are replaying the old anxieties and behavior patterns again, you need to stop and change them, with the help of the therapist. Perhaps it's time to try a new therapist?
Take care of your personal health, such as eating right and getting some exercise and avoiding depressants such as alcohol.
I know this all takes a supreme effort of will in the state you currently seem to be in, but you MUST pull it together in order for you to even stand a chance at a 'job interview' with this woman.
Get involved in something other than work. Take some classes, do what you used to enjoy way back when, before you started experiencing depression. Find that inner voice that tells you, 'yes, I love doing this activity (you figure out what it is/was), I lose myself in this activity' and then DO it.
You need to present a solid and balanced person to her, in order for her to consider you as dating material. Whatever you're doing now, it's not working. Therefore, you have to change it.
There are no guarantees in life, there is no guarantee that this strategy will pay off for you. But if you don't try to reach a balanced state of mental well-being, you are certainly not going to succeed with her. She simply doesn't need the burden and probably finds the neediness a turn off, NOT what you're trying to get across to her.
I'm sorry for being a bit harsh on you, but I think that you've been spinning your wheels in the sand and not getting anywhere. Work on yourself first, THEN you can start to think about her.
Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (29 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is correct, I have not been introduced to her children. But I have been to her house several times. When we went out I always picked her up there. We had dinner at her house a few times and I did spend the night there twice, although I left early the next morning. The reason I want to send her a card is to wish her a happy vacation, unless her plans have changed since we last spoke she is leaving on Aug. 3rd. As for calling I would prefer to wait a few weeks until after she returns. I do like your idea of lunch and asking her about being friends but that I'm not sure how to go about it. Thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (28 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought that the card I got was a little too much. So I bought another card that doesn't put her in a position to respond. I definitely want to send her a card and wish her a good vacation. This card has a picture of a porpoise on the front with a "Hi" in big letters. Inside is says "if this brings a little smile, it will have served it's porpoise". I will then write a note about her and the kids enjoying their vacation. What do you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hi, there, Nice to hear from you. Good thing, the card, send the card only, if you would, do not send the gifts, wait on those. I would write in the card, something like hope you have a good time. Stop. No calling, no texting. The thing you have to remember about what I said, because I am not guaranteeing that you will be with her, in the end, but listen to what I said, if she is going to be with you, by that I mean fate, then she will, and the other thing is if she is not destined to be with you, you must decide you will survive. You need, as I have said in the past, to try to make something else as important as she is to you, or more important, which I know will be hard, but for your sanity you must try, and you must succeed. My feeling that she wants you to wait until she catches up with you or the reverse, is the converstaion that you laid out in one of your letters, she is amenible to you, she likes you, she talked to you, she laughed I believe, and the tone of the conversation was positive. You just want so much more and that, at this time has to be tampered down. Won't you enjoy it more, if she is happy to see you than running away from you? You are doing fairly well with this, you just have to control you thought process, that she is moving away from you permanently, she asked you for space. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot, if you had asked someone to give you breathing room, and they keep moving in on you, not that you are doing that to her, you would feel an overwhelming need to get away from that person. The turtle won the race, not the rabbit, fast is not always the way to go. You are the master of your universe, but you have to believe that in order to keep your emotions under control. About Monday, make it a game, we used to rename
Monday, Tuesday One, try it, it's mind over matter, and I would try to get a good night's rest on Sunday, tired makes it worse. Please make sure you take your medicine. I know you are going to get through this, you must make yourself know it. She's a friend, and I think she cares, but if you care for her, you will do as she asks, as I have stated many times. Get some chalomine tea, if I am spelling it right, drink it in the evening to calm your nerves, and go buy a mystery book, by a good author, John Grisham comes to mind, get engrossed in the book, we need a diversion here. Did you know that Grisham's cousin is Bill Clinton? Any good mystery, if you like mysteries, will be something to stimulate your mind and take you somewhere else. Doris Kearns Goowins, Team of Rivals, is also a page turner, about Abraham Lincoln, and how he brought all of his political rivals to his side, to help him with his governing
the country. Ms Goodwin is an excellent writer. Do you see
where I am going here, it is very important that you put these thougths about your lady friend in an imaginary box and put it on the shelf in the closet, until she comes back to life, as far as your friendship goes, and wants to participate again, to your liking. Stop trying to make yourself sick, which is what I am thinking, and for gosh sakes, get rid of the poor me syndrome, you are physically healthy, we are working on the mental part :o). No joking around, if you allow yourself the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself, because you want something so bad, and it is not there yet, you will wind up under your bed covers, not wanting to come out, The world has many good things out there, don't put yourself into a tailspin, by concentrating on one particular thing. Up the attitude as I have said before, be happy just because, and I would like you to do something for me, that is tangible, please write on a slip of peper, I AM A HAPPY MAN, LIFE IS GOOD! and put it in your wallet, and promise me you will read it every day. It will become a part of you, and your mantra, the more you read it, the more you say it, you will internalize it and it will become a part of you. Do it for yourself. Now up that attitude, and start to attack Tuesday One's with mental happy pills. Let me hear from the new HAPPY man. :o). He will feel better, and nothing will be able to stop him. Remember the tea. I just remembered something, I had a friend who was depressed at times, a doctor on televison had a health spot on, and he said that Omega-3, which you can get from the health food store, helps to relieve depression, his patients had been using it to much seccess. You can ask the health food store clerk about it to get their immpression, or research it, if you are interested. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): That card sounds like too much pressure to me. I would certainly wait till after she gets back from vacation, and then call her to catch up and set up a meeting. The gift is thoughtful. If you must, you could send it to her so that it arrives while she's gone. It can be accompanied by a short explanatory note, saying you'll call her after she's back from vacation. Then wait until she's been back about 2 days to call. But trying to make contact more than once a week is excessive. You've made the point that you're interested and thinking about her... now show her that you are capable of respecting her wishes.Question, what is your previous experience in relationships? Have you been such an eager pursuer in the past, and how have women reacted? I have the impression that you are thinking a lot about how this woman makes _you_ feel, and how waiting is driving you crazy. But maybe you're showing less concern about what she must be feeling, going through a divorce and having a family to raise alone and all.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (28 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm feeling kind of anxious right now. I just got home from my vacation and I am starting to worry about all the stuff I have to do, especially work. And I know already that tomorrow will be a bad day. I have trouble on Mondays getting work done when something is on my mind. And this whole thing with this girl is on my mind. The good feeling that I felt from the texting a few days ago is wearing off. I want more confirmation. How is it that you are so confident that you think she wants me to wait for her? And what makes you think she eventually wants to be with me? If this is the case I would like to hear her say it and not just have me think that this is what she wants. Is it so bad to try and talk to her? I bought a card to send her. It has a picture of fish and a whale on the front. Inside it says "It's been a whale ... let's catch up soon!" Is this appropriate? Will this make her feel pressured to call me? What do you think I should write about her upcoming vacation? Also while I was shopping I bought her a Tommy Bahama golf ball marker and divot repair tool. I was thinking about this being a congratulations gift for her golf match win last week. Is this too much? How should I give it to her? Should I call and ask to meet this week before she goes away on her vacation? Should I mail it along with the card? Should I just hold onto it and wait until she calls me after her vacation (or I call her after her vacation) and perhaps give it to her when and if we "catch up" like the card says. I just don't know.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 July 2008):
Hi there, Thanks for sharing what you did. The response from her was positive, but like I mentioned before, let that positive contact sit now. The card will be a good thing, but you have the right idea about controlling yourself. You are reaping the benefit from your texting her,
which is good, now let the good feelings sit. My feeling is that she just wants you to wait for her, and again don't push. I agree with "askoldersister", give her the time. You are going to be alright with this, if you can be patient, and I think you will. Try very, very hard to contain your emotions, so that you will be with her in the future. She is the one you want to be with, and like I said she eventually wants to be with you, so it is a very good idea to do what she wants, you will reap the benefits if you do. Good luck and keep your fingers off the texting machine. :o)
Talk to you later.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (26 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I broke down and sent her a text last night. Here's a summary of our texting:
I said - "Hi, how have you been? Hope you and the girls are doing ok"
She replied later at night when I was asleep - "I'm ok, girls are doing well, going to their dads this weekend, I'm playing golf tomorrow at SP, are you at the beach?"
I replied this morning - "Yes been here with my family all week, I had a date with a beautiful young woman last night, my 13yo niece ... oh play well today and make lots of pars...." (a little backround - the last time her and I played golf was 4 weeks ago at the same course and we had a bet that every par she made I would give her ... let's just say something very personal).
She replied - "thank you, I will think of our very fun day!"
She then texted me back at 2:30pm saying - "Well, we played the other 9 holes that we didn't play before, I won with 5 bogies and one par"
I replied - "Congrats, add that par to what I owe you"
That was all for our texting.
I hope I'm not boring you all who read this, but writing this makes me feel better. I know that contacting her was not the general consensus but I caved. I was playing putt putt golf with my 6 of my nieces and nephews and thinking about her and thought, what the hell I'm gonna text her and say Hi. So I did. Now I have to control myself and not text her again, but this will be hard. I will send her a card in a few days wishing her a fun time on her vacation. I'm trying here to do the right thing for the long run cause I really like her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 July 2008):
Hi there, I would like you to perk up. Why do you feel she is slipping away? If two people care about each other, time and space don't necessiarly make things change. She has a favorable impression of you, she cares about you, and she enjoys your company. You feel she is slipping away because
the two of you are not physically together. I heard somewhere that absence makes the heart grow fonder. She has said she needs some space, we haven't talked about how you behaved while you were together, but I got the impression that she was trying to deal with too many things at one time, the divorce, the children, any kind of settlement procedures and you. Well my feeling is that she did'nt want to end it with you all together, but she wanted to table it where the relationship was, and come back and pick it up when she had less to deal with. I see no reason to believe that she was ending it altogether. Send her a card from your vacation, or just before you leave, just to keep in touch, I would not again text or call her, give her the time. You again, need to believe it will work out, if it is supposed to, and if it does not, you will find better. Have faith, and take it in stride. Fretting only harms you physically and mentally. As I think I mentioned before, you have to run on two tracks at the same time, believe it will turn out fine with her, also that if it does not, you will survive, that is the only way you can, as we cannot control other people, only ourselves, and we have to strive to keep ourselves in a good place. If she comes back around with a clearer head, you will benefit, she knows you, she likes you otherwise she would have just said, leave me be forever, she did not, so please give her time and build up your confidence in the mean time and fine something to do, which will help you grow, and stop fretting about her. How about taking a class of some kind, something that you can share with her, when you talk to her in the future. It's always good to learn something new. Buy her a nice souvenior when you are on vacation, and keep it for her. Up the attitude, and learn to smile more, please take your medicine. Stay in touch and I want more happy, not more sadness over losing somebody who you have not. :o) Take care. Let the world be your oyster, you have your health, you have your family, other friends, you are communicating with us, be aware of the good things in your life, do not give them the brush off. Thank you for being appreciative
of our help, we appreciate your acknowledgement. Talk to you soon.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (24 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I understand everything that you are telling me. I realize that I put too much emphasis on this one person. But we had a good relationship started and I'm sad that it has to end. Although I do understand why. I just feel like something very good is slipping away and I can't do anything about it. I want to remain active in some way with her but I am not sure how, and I am not sure if or how she wants that also. Wanting to know this is what is on my mind. I don't want to do the wrong thing but I also don't want to do nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (23 July 2008):
Hi there, You should be enjoying yourself, instead of fretting about her, for the umpteenth time, calm down, hope you are taking your medicine. Since I am assuming she knows, that you know she is going on vacation, find a card that wishes her a happy vacation, or words to that effect.
Do not ask her to call you, if you want, after telling her to enjoy her vacation, in the card, you could invite her to lunch, when she returns from vacation. You must, must stop worrying about her, otherwise, when you do see her, you are going to trip all over yourself, trying to make sure, she knows how you feel, and try to get her to be with you in the future. You will ruin it for yourself. The more you allow her to be without you, the more she will miss you, but you must be calm about this, learn to meditate, to settle your nerves. This must become less of a priority for you, in order for you to be with her. As I said previously, no one wants the responsibility of being in charge of someone's ultimate happiness. Your must get a grip, I am very serious, you are trying to be your own worse enemy, please stop worrying about her, she is not going anywhere, unless you run her away. Find another interest, take up photography, take some good pictures, and show them to her when she gets back, go get a good camera, find some nature scenes, it would be something to take your mind off of her, you need a break. OK, I have tried, I would like to seee a little improvement here, with the excessive thinking about her, you do realize, don't you that you have to lower the thought level on the one subject, her. It is so not healthy, I know you know this, so fight for your center of gravity, you are staggering around, and you will lose your balance, if you keep it up. You must be your own best friend, or you will make yourself sick, as I have said before. You are going to get through this and be better, and hopefully, you will allow her the space she asked for, and then she will be ready to date you again, but not if you are going to try to capture her, in spite of what she wants for a while now, you are hurting your insides, with the stress. Take back your power, now. Talk to you soon.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (22 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am just so frazzled. I am on vacation at the beach with my brothers and nieces and nephews. Not a minute has gone by that I don't think about her and wonder what she is doing. Mostly I wonder what I am going to do next. Should I text her now saying "Hi, been thinking about you and the girls, hope all is well". Should I send her a card now saying "Thinking of you and wondering how you and the girls are doing, hope all is well, call me if you need anything". Then call her and ask her to lunch. Or should I just call her out of the blue and ask to see her for lunch. Then when and if I do see her what am I going to say?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): You're getting info from several here, but I vote that you wait to talk to her after BOTH of your vacations. You can send her a briefly worded postcard from your vacation if you wish.
If she is not divorced yet, is there a possibility that her getting involved with anyone may negatively affect her divorce settlement? (I don't know anything about divorce law.) I wouldn't be able to tell from her actions that you report what her level of interest in you is, either. But if she said she needs time, give her time!
You may feel better if you set a deadline for yourself. No talking, texting, or emailing her for a month. That's enough space to show you respect her wishes. If you have questions you're dying to ask her, just write them down as you think of them in a long list, then go through them before you see her and pick out the few you think you need to ask the most.
Get yourself into tiptop shape for your next meetings with her... use your excess energy to start a workout plan, learn to cook some new dishes, renovate a room in your home, read new books, and write down things you think would interest her. Also going to see a counselor, and posting here, will help you through that bursting feeling that you must be having.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (19 July 2008):
Hi there, I thought your vacations were at almost the smae time, call her after your vacation, and ask for a short sit down, just to get it straight about her wishes. Good luck, as I said calm down, it's going to be fine, fine, fine. Just don't overload her when you meet. Believe me, she knows how you feel, women pick up on these things, it's in your eyes. Take care. No texting, to me that's too impersonal, and you don't know how the person feels afterward. Just my opinion. Remember to be reserved, don't put your heart out on the table :o), I'm serious. Calm, calm, calm, easy does it.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (18 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. Just to clarify. You think I should call her but wait unitl after both of our vacations? She's going away Aug. 3rd for 10 days. That would mean calling her about a month from now. Or should I call her when I return from my vacation on July 27th. That would give us time to meet and talk before she goes away. I think you mean that I should send a card before she goes away and call her when she returns. Is that right? The only problem is that will leave me in limbo and wanting to know more for the next month. I'm not sure I can survive this way that much longer. I am in agony. I think about her so often. Just today I was debating whether I should text her telling her that I'm sitting on the beach thinking about her and wishing she was here. Remember I told you that her and I were to go to the beach together July 4th weekend. But at the last minute she decided not to go as she had too much 'stuff' to do. When she was telling me she couldn't go to the beach she mentioned that maybe we could go later in the summer. But then we had dinner that Sunday July 6th and had our conversation. Is it too much to remind her that she mentioned going with me to the beach later in the summer? When I was at the beach on July 4th I took a picture of a sunset and sent it to her on the phone. I will see that same sunset this weekend. I am so tempted to take another picture and send it to her saying I miss her. Should I?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (18 July 2008):
Hi there, No you are not wearing me down. What I would like
is that you get some direction. You must know where you are going. You said you wanted to know the answer to your questions, which she had not answered to your satisfaction.
You can't know that unless you talk to her. Now, if I may say so, leave the payoff thing where it is, that could be your hold card for the future. Call her , if you are up to it, you are in charge here and you must believe that, you have the steering wheel on your side of this isssue, you cannot control her, but what you do, is in your hands. If you want to wait until after the vacation, which I think would be a good idea, only because it puts more time between you and her, so that she can feel that you are respecting her wishes, I think would be better. It will also help you to calm down, which I want you to work on, and I am hoping you are taking you medicine, very importan as you know. So settle down, let's everybody go on vacation. No texting. Go out, if you will, get a "have a great vacation card", wish her well, tell her to be safe and sign off. Just enough and not too much. No paralysis here, let's not overload ourselves. You are going to be fine, just let some time pass, enjoy your vacation, and try to think about other things. Go find the card, and try to think of happy things, other than her, right now. I would like to see you expand your thought process, take a good book with you on positive thinking, when you go on vacation, to reinforce your will to be strong in this situation. Be in touch with me, as to how you are doing. Take care, you made me laugh very hard with, the wearing down comment. I want you to be in a better place, that's why I agreed with what you wanted to do. I do speak my mind, with consideration for your well being. It's not about me, it's about you. Take care and be good to yourself. If I haven't been clear, write again. Thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (18 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, now I am really nervous. Do you really think I should call her? Or am I just wearing you down so that you say yes to calling her? Can you feel my anxiety in not knowing what to do? If I see her I am so afraid of getting an answer I don't want. But getting any "positive" answer would feel so good. Even worse, what if she says that seeing me is not a good idea. Would that mean the end for me because I didn't wait long enough?
I am on vacation all of next week and will return on July 27th. I know that she is going on vacation with her kids on Aug. 3rd. I had planned on sending her a card as you suggested and also wishing her a good time on her vacation. Do you think I should text her today about our fun golf game three weeks ago? Let's just say that we had a very "personal" and "interesting" bet on our golf game and she won. But I didn't get a chance to pay off. Could I remind her that I still want to pay my "debt". I'm paralyzed here.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Maybe you can ask her to set a date when you can talk to her, a month, 3 months, six months, or a year from now. There won't be any pressure to her to make up her mind by this deadline, but for your sanity, you need to know when you can contact her.If you set ground rules for contact, neither of you will be going crazy wondering why the other isn't calling or whether it's time to call, or why the other isn't respecting your wishes to either talk or not talk. Just be up front and say that it would be such a help to you if she could pick an arbitrary date for you two to see each other again. You don't expect her to resolve everything by your next meeting, you just want to check in to keep your friendship alive.It sounds like you're such a good thing to her that she's afraid she'll mess it up right now. But you need something to live on too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (18 July 2008):
Hi, thanks for writing back. Alright, if you really feel that you do not know what she wants, then call her and ask her if the two of you could have tea, lunch or something with a short time span, so she understands that you are not trying to have your cake and eat it too, stay away and be with her at the same time. Then have your words together as to what you want to say. All your salient points, I would
not plead for anthing, so find out how she wants to play this. Be ready to accept what she says, and please do not push. Good luck and I hope you are taking your medicine. Take care always. Please let me know the outcome. Be as reserved as you can.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (18 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding to my issues. I want to do more than just send a card. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I have never been very good at starting something, a relationship, a friendhip, getting to know someone, and then just stopping it and having nothing. I am having trouble handling this. This is partly why I want to find out what she wants going forward. Does she really want no contact at all? Our last discussion ended with abiguity. We were to talk later, or so I thought. I understand that she needs time and needs to be alone to find out what she wants. But we had a good thing started. When we were together I felt she was holding back. But I saw glimpses of what I think is a wonderful woman, and I want to tell her that. I want to tell her that I am looking forward to her being in a place and time when she can let go. When she can let herself fall for someone. I really think she has a lot of love to give. I know she hasn't had that in a very long time. I always complimented her and told her how pretty and sexy she is. She usually blushed when I did this. And told me that she wasn't used to it. I would then tell her that she would have to get used to it because it was true I liked telling her. Is it too much to tell her this? Is it too much to tell her I'm here if she needs someone to talk to? I see a wonderful person here and I don't want to let it slip by. I want to keep reminding her. I just don't know what she wants and this all makes me think and ruminate. Three weeks ago tomorrow we played golf and had a great time. The next night we had our best date ever. Is it too much to send her a text message tomorrow as a reminder of that good time? I know what you suggest but I am paralyzed by inaction. I'm afraid of both doing the wrong thing, as in not keeping in touch, and not doing the right thing, as in keeping in touch. Please help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (16 July 2008):
Hi, Now listen up. You are doing well, keep it up, think postively , but not only to be with her, for yourself and your..... your future. The other thing is, forgive my bluntness, stop trying to talk yourself into some reason to contact her, you are funny, but you will do harm. If you want to, go and find a light hearted card, and enclose a sentence, "call me now and then and let me know you are alright". Nothing else, no "I love you, I miss you", let her feel you are standing, without her. This way she does not feel obligated to do something, just because she feels guilty. She will know you want to hear from her, but she is free to do it on her own. You then have to make yourself happy with this and let it be. Don't be over anxious, isn't it Sting who sings the song "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free", this is the perfect song for you, in setting them free, they are then able to return to you of their own accord. Also remember people are strange, they always want something much more, if they feel that if is out of their reach, so my advice again, is do not crowd her. She will feel smothered and she will distance herself. Send the card, let her call you in her own time. Begin to steady yourself, as you are doing, you should be proud. I would like it if, some other woman would walk into your life for fun's sake, so that you could have a diversion, and so that you could see that there are other wonderful people out there, who you could love and who could love you just as well or better :o). It is true, keep your mind open, it will help you get through this, and keep a sense of humor. Find a cause, and let me know what it is, and you know I mean something other than thinking about your dream partner.
Put her down somewhere in the basement for the time being.
OK, I've bored you enough with things that you don't want to hear, but they are good for you, it's like medicine, it will help you to be well, you do realize that love is a sickness? Maybe a delightful sickness, but a sickness none the less. I remember some years ago, I fell in love with a guy I admired because, for one, he was so smart, and I think smart is sexy, I came to work, we worked together in different departments, and I was actually dizzy, to the point of having to sit down. I didn't realize what was going on, until one of my friends said , "you've fallen in love". Quite astonishing, so it can make you sick, so check yourself, keep taking your prescribed medication, and keep up your positive attitude, lessen your thoughts about her, until you have it under control. You are doing so well. Take care always.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (16 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am feeling a little better and attending to some work but still doing alot of thinking about her. I try to think positive thoughts about the future but when I do I wonder if I am just fooling myself. I still feel very strongly about needing to finish my conversation with her. I want to know if she meant no contact at all or just a different kind of contact. I don't want to totally ignore her and be completely removed from her life if that is not what she meant. When she told me she wasn't ready and that she needed time, pur discussion wasn't nasty and we didn't argue. I'm afraid that if there is no contact she may think I am mad at her and that I don't care about her. And that is not the case. I need to know the ground rules of our friendship and that's what we didn't discuss. Our conversation ended with "I'll talk to you later". I don't know what to do. I think about this and can't come to a conclusion, should I call and say "Hi, how are you doing?" or just do nothing. Is it too much to ask her what she's feeling?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (14 July 2008):
Hi, What she told you was that she wanted space, she didn't say how long, or how much space. So virtually she is putting you in limbo. This is is where you are, as far as being with her anytime soon, we would have to wait to see. Now if it were me, this would represent another person taking my life, or me allowing another person to take my life and put it on hold, until they are ready to let me start it up again. But remember, it is only like this because you are allowing it. If you are going to despair, while you are waiting for her, and not have strong positive thoughts about the future of the relationship, then you will be doing yourself harm, mentally and physically. So, as I said before, you have to run on two tracks, one, belief that if she is your eventual partner, it will be, but two, if she is not, then you must be ready to be strong and able to accept it and be a whole person if it does not work out.
As I said before, suppose she moves far, far away, then what? You cannot make one person, even if you love them more than anything, the basis of your whole life. A lot of people don't want to be the center of your universe, they want you to function with them, but not crumble without them, they don't want to feel that you are so dependent on them that you go to pieces without them. This becomes too much of a responsibility for them. It would probably do you very well, it you spoke with a relationship counselor, who could help you on a professional level. But you have to listen to them, you want to have it your way, but you have to take circumstances into account. She is going on vaction, with who, her girlfriend, that tells me something,
she wants to just enjoy herself, without being accountable to a man. Do not be disenchanted, she was honest with you, try reversing your roles, how would you feel if you were her. The crowding would make you want distance, much distance. You can put her and your feeling in a place where she becomes secondary, you must be willing to do this, I know your emotions are very raw, but for your own good, you have to reduce the value of a relationship with her to a lower place. Think about this, it has always been my belief, that the reason we think people are so important to us and we love them so much, is not so much because of them, but because of our feelings for them, if we take those feelings back, then the hurt lessens, so you regain control of your feelings and you take charge of you life. What is more important, loving someone to distraction, or being mentally and physically sound of mind and body. You only have you, you are giving the relationship too much power over your life. I want to encourage you to find a good relationship specialist to help you get past this phase. You have to be the most important one in your life, not someone else, who you give your power to, and they without asking for it, have the power to destroy you without even knowing it, or even wanting too. You should be in charge, after all, what good will you be to anyone, if you are sick, and in a fetal position, as my siser sometimes describes herself, when she doesn't want to face a problem. I have given you a lot to chew on. You have to decide if you can run on the two track thought process, if you can't, then I would want you to think about freezing the relationship in your mind, and moving on, if she reappears fine, take it up then, if you still feel the same way about her, if not, next case, I think if you can do this, you will be able to function much better. You need to work, it pays the bills, and gives you a sense of value to yourself. The pain you feel will eventually subside but you must look forward to the future. Please consider talking to a relationship counselor, who can help you on a professional level. We want you to progress in a positive way. I have been through breakdowns in relationships as well, but I cry for a little while and then I find something about them, that is negative, and I blow it out of proportion, which helps me put it behind me. I feel that I must survive and if I have to do it without that person who I think I love, operative word, think, then I matter the most. Adopt that position, what is more important, them or me. If there is no you, there can be no we, including other people who you will eventually find and love. Think about it. You want what is good for you, please pull up your boot straps and decide what is best for you. Remember again, this is your life! Love yourself, you only have you. Take care. Be in touch.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (14 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, when she said this was hard for her she was referring to it being hard to end our relationship when I have been so good to her. By hanging on to what she said am I leading myself on and giving myself false hope? You are confident that she will come around when she is ready and that this will work out for the best. But what if things don't work out. Am I prolonging the devastation? When her and I had a discussion on July 6th she was leaving the next day to go on a short vacation with a girlfriend of hers. She ended our conversation with "I'll talk to you later". I asked her to call when she got back. She got back on July 10th and I saw her at the club on July 11th. Other than the hello and small talk at the club, she has not called. I feel like our conversation is incomplete. There are so many things I want to ask her. I want to tell her how I feel. I get very nervous and shaky when these thoughts set in. I want to know that our relationship is not over, just on hold. I don't want to do anything else. I am not focussing on anything, especially work. It takes all I have to hold back the tears. I just want to think. I can't seem to relax my mind and take care of other stuff. I feel like if I had some more clarification from her then I could be more settled and move on to other stuff. What should I do?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (14 July 2008):
Hi there, I would like you to take her at her word, that it is hard for her, when she does not see you, but do not act on it. Write down those words that she said and the date she said them. Hang on to that, put the paper the words are on, in your wallet, and hold on to that thought. She cares for you, she is letting you know that, and she appreciates you. Do not push it. You have to be strong. It will get better, once she clears her plate of all that she is dealing with, or at least some of it. There is a connection between the two of you, she would not have gone out with you, if she didn't care. But you said it best when you said, you want more. You must try to make yourself satisfied. You are doing well, in spite of your wanting to be with her more than you are. Find a deversion, something to let you breathe easier, because you start to choke yourself and that is not good. Not going to go over, what I have said before, re-read what I wrote to you previously. Step by step, you are going to learn to deal with this, until she comes around, but you must be the strong one. Find a good book on mediation, it will relieve some of the stress. Here are the web sites I promised I would give you. Print them out and read them every now and then, Hope they help you. Think of yourself as a winner and you will win. Go to www.socyberty.com/First-Take-Care-of-Yourself.43825. www.healthmad.com/Less-Stress-More-Strength.48540 and www.socyberty.com/Survival.46610
This is all going to turn out for the best. Don't forget to take your medicine, and try go let the side of you, which you said knows what you should do, and force yourself to do that, because to do otherwise, you will make yourself sick, or go running off to do something, which could damage the good relationship you have with her now. Think about it, if you really want to be with her in the long run, not the short run, then try to discipline your actions, so that you do not rush forward and lose in the long run. Conquer your instincts. You know you can, you have been doing it, little by little. Good luck to you, stay in touch, we really want a positive outcome, and we want you to be healthy, she does as well. Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (13 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I am thinking clearly I agree with the things you say. I know what I should do but doing it is very hard. I just want to think and ruminate. Little things remind me of her and that sends me into a tailspin. Can I give you some more details? Just two weeks ago, on June 28th, we had a great date and we both said that we had fallen for each other. She did say then that she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to give me all that I wanted or needed in a relationship. And that she wasn't sure what she wanted. I told her that I was ok with that because I understood her situation (divorce and all). But that I was making the decision to hang in there. She insisted that I not wait for her and made me promise that if I met someone that I wanted to pursue that I would take that opportunity. I said that I would but for right now I wanted to be with her. That was the first time we had any serious conversation about our relationship. I had invited her to the beach for July 4th weekend. But the day before we were to leave she changed her mind saying she was worried about the girls (she has 3 girls) and that she had too much stuff to take care of. I talked with her on July 4th and offered to come home early on Sunday July 6th to spend some time with her. She did not hesitate and said yes that she would like to see me. That Sunday night while watching a movie and starting to get 'intimate' she said we needed to 'talk'. I thought this was coming. The rest of that conversation you know about. She did say that this was very hard for her because I have been so understanding and so good to her. She is very concerned about the girls and says they have to come first. I completely agreed and was not asking her to do anything different and that I was ok with her priorities. She again said that because I was so understanding that not seeing me was very hard. I know I play this conversation over and over in my head. I guess I would just like some confirmation from her that she things are on hold and that she wants to see me again when her stuff is resolved. Here I am wanting more. Taking your advice I was going to take my nieces to the pool today. But there would be a chance I would see her there with her kids and that would just be too awkward right now. If she was there I would just obsess about what to say and inevitibly say the wrong thing or say nothing at all. Small talk with this stuff hanging over us would be impossible. It would just make me have more questions and want to call her later. I don't feel confident that I could just be myself and be the person she likes. I want my interaction with her to show that I am confident and ok with what is going on. Right now I'm not that and it would show. I miss her friendship and phone calls and text messages so much. I wish I could know that she misses them too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (13 July 2008):
Hi there, thanks for responding. She is probably going through the same feelings you are, but on top of everthing else she has on her plate, something has to be put on the backburner, and I think with her, that includes any relationship. You have to keep taking your medications,see your doctor if it get any worse. You should also find a good book to read on belief and faith. You have to have goals in life and believe in yourself, and not feel that, if you don't have one particular person, you will not have a life. That is not the road to happiness, you must be happy with yourself before you can add happiness to another person, otherwise you will be too needy. Some people are turned off by that. Pick yourself up, if you go into this slump and she decides to call and wants to be with you, she will not be happy to see that you have done this to yourself even if it is because of her. She would want you to be strong, and you must first do this for yourself. There is an article entitled "First Love Yourself", I will try to get you a direct website address, in essence it talks about first taking care of your needs to yourself, before you do things for others or help in other situations involving anything. Suppose, she moved far, far away, you must for your own sake do two things, believe that if the two of you are to be together, in the future you will be, and second, if it does not happen, you will be a whole person and survive in spite of the outcome.
It's called survival, life is full of ups and downs. Make a promise to yourself, that you will fight to be as happy as you can be, find something to get joy out of, beyond this lady. Join a community group, emerse yourself in something good, I don't know if you like children, but there is a great need for mentors for young people, programs like the one headed up by Colin Powell. You need something that gives you satisfaction, with other people, a giving of yourself, for unselfish reasons. You are a good person, don't hide your talent under a blanket, and for goodness sake, you must stop crying. If you need more help, see you doctor. Life is too short, my dear, you must fight. When you were born, you came here fighting for your first breath, it is a continuous fight, sometimes against our own demons, there is a lot to live for. This is a test for you, you will be able to pass it, but you must fight. I want to hear from you that you are going to give it you level best, to fight for your happiness. go out and let someone love you platonically, children are a great source of love, they
appreciate you, especially when they know you care. I hope I have given you help with this. You deserve to be happy, and you can be. Go get 'em. Take care always.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (13 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding. I have not called her or sent her a text. But when I feel weak I want to take some action. But as you suggested I realize that this will only be harmful in the long run. As for me I am having trouble. See, I have a history of depression that started about 16 years ago. At that time it also was triggered by a breakup with a woman. That episode lasted about a year before I felt "normal" again. Since then things have been fine and I continue to take medication. But some of those same old feelings are appearing now. I get very panicky and anxious when I think about this woman and about my feelings of being alone and not having anything I want to do or look forward to. I have also been crying for the past few days. I have had other relationships in the past several years that ended but I never had this panicky feeling. Is it because this current woman has really caught my heart's attention and the thought of being helpless to the situation is tearing me up inside? Or is it something more like a new episode of depression? Or both? All I do know is that I am very confused and worried and scared. I dread the thought of waking up tomorrow and feeling this stuff all over again. I just want something to look forward to with this woman. Something that will give me a positive thought and allow me to stop thinking about her and get on with the business of life. For two months her and I talked and texted and it felt good to care for her and have her care for me in return. Now it's gone and I can't help but wonder if she is also feeling the loss. Two weeks ago tonight we had our best date and now look where I am. This is so hard and mentally draining.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (12 July 2008):
Hi, Right now, you will have to use a whole lot of self discipline. If you go in to try to persuade her, you will ruin what is a fairly good relationship. When you saw her, she responded to you, you don't want her to tell you to leave her completely alone. She thinks well of you, try to keep that as it is. Respect her wishes, try to reverse roles, if you can, as I think I mentioned before, she is feeling kind of overwhelmed with it all. If you want a chance in the future, give her the space she needs. I believe that if someone is going to be with you, nothing will stop that. You are afraid she will go with someone else, stop fretting, you will make yourself sick. Wait for her, and as I think I said before, give her a little time, send her a light hearted card, but stay away. She will find you, but not if you play Bogart and mess up your chances. Cool it, for your own sake. If you disregard her wishes, she will feel that this is how you will treat her in the future, which is not good. Take care. Find something to take your mind off of the situation, please.
...............................
A
male
reader, JoeyBBB +, writes (12 July 2008):
JoeyBBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding. As I said, I know what I should do in this situation but my heart is having trouble handling it. I ran into her tonight at the club where we both belong. I wasn't expecting her to be there since she was away for 3 days on vacation and just got back. She also just got her kids back today after they were away on vacation with their father. When I first saw her my heart dropped and I got a nervous sweat. Almost panicky. I did stop by her table and said hello. We made some very short small talk as she was with the kids. She asked me how my golf game was. I told her I didn't play well as I wasn't concentrating and was preoccupied. I did text her a few minutes later telling her that she is very pretty and she responded with a thank you. I didn't stay much longer as I was totally ruminating about her and just not feeling very well. I meant to say goodbye but some other guy from the club had sat down and was talking to her. By the way the other guy is a sleezeball, is married and I know has the hots for her. This whole situation was so hard. I couldn't help but thinking that I wish I was there talking to her. Before I left I sent her a text saying that I wanted to say goodbye but I didn't because she was busy. It takes all my will power not to call her and talk. I am very devastated by this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (8 July 2008):
Hi there, The best thing that I think you can do, is to listen to her. She tells you she needs space, you know enough about, what is going on in her life, to realize that she could be a bit overwhelmed. If you push the issue, you will, I think turn her off until, when she is ready, she will hold a resentment, because you did not listen to her. It would be stifling to her, to jump right into another relationship, after what she has gone through. She does need to breathe a bit, don't worry about her, not ever dating you, she remembers the good times with you, I am sure. Back off for your own good, in the future. Take the time, every now and then to serch for nice short message cards, to just let her know you are thinking of her. Don't call her for a while, give her that room, this will let her know that you respect her wishes, which bodes well for the future. Every now and then, send her one rose, not all the time. You just stay in her life from a distance. Do not crowd her, let her realize you are there, but respecting what she wants. Hopefully in time she will be in touch and if she does, take it slow, still do not crowd her. Anything that is worth having, as they say, is well worth waiting for. If you do these little things, she will begin to wonder where they are, if you space them out. Let her anticipate the things you do, not take them for granted. It is also a little game, that you create a need for yourself by her. Who has any anticipation about seeing someone or hearing from them, if they are always around or always contacting them. Let some mystery build, play it smart. Hope this helps you. Take very good care, good luck to you always.
...............................
|
