A
female
age
26-29,
*nnonymousPerson
writes:Hi, I'm a 17 year old sikh girl and I've had a rough past that my 22 year old sikh boyfriend knows about and he still loves me despite whats happened. Me and my bf have been together for 7months in total. We were planning on telling my parents about this relationship first when i turned 18, then we decided to tell them earlier when i was gunna be in india during the easter holidays then we changed the time to tell them again the day we met up but got found out as someone had seen us together in town and rang my mum. I got really panicky and just told her as we were planning to. My mum called my dad back from work and they picked me up from school early, I thought they would understand, my boyfriend he's from india, he's got a job, he's reliable and a good worker, and our families already know each other so i thought my parents would approve but they reacted totally different! they didnt approve! they threaten me theyd kick me out the house if i dont stop talking to him and if i dont get him out of my head. After this we kind of parted like we spoke much less and we didnt see each other for about a month. Me and him are still in touch now and his family approve of the relationship aslong as my family do, I've told my aunty and my cousin and they havent been able to help. I dont know what further steps to take as I know he is the one for me so i am not going to let him go. Any advice? My parents keep saying the relationship cannot happen as me and him are related (he is my mums, youngest brothers' wifes', aunty's grandson - that does not make me and him related) his mum is also from the same pind (village) as my mum (which apparently makes his mum and my mum sisters according to my mum) but if this did make us related why do all of his family agree for the relationship? why is my aunty saying that the relationship works?
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female
reader, AnnonymousPerson +, writes (14 April 2013):
AnnonymousPerson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all i'd like to say thanks to all of you for taking your time to reply to this.CindyCares - As you say of the tradition of arrange marriages when my mum found out about my previous boyfriend he wasn't of the same caste she reacted okay to that, well better than she did with my current boyfriend. She told me that i was too young and there were restrictions so I broke up with him as he was also playing around with me. Another thing is that in my family there have been several love marriages. My mum didnt have an issue with the idea of love marriages up until now. My future mother in law and aunty feel that my parents should agree for the relationship for my happiness. My parents dont know how i havent been able to study anymore because of everything that has happened, my mum tries to be normal with me but i cant be normal with her anymore. I've just locked my self away from the family, I'm always up in my room, I very rarely go down. The thing is my parents know the guy and they know about his hard work ethic, my mum used to talk about him positively. Now she's just insulting him which really hurts. Cute Angel - Yeah I know I have a long way to go but its not like im asking for my parents to get me married off to this guy straight away. I've known this guy for over a year before I got into a relationship with him. My parents know who he is and how hard he works. Me and him are still in a relationship. The family pressure is because we got caught together in town and it caused a big fuss with me and my parents and brother. My boyfriend and I feel if we dont raise this issue again soon they will forget and we dont want that. We want to get it out of the way so if any damage happens to the families it happens sooner or later.(ie. i leave and get a court marriage with my boyfriend or i get kicked out etc). My boyfriend and I have been serious from the start. He's the second guy I've been with, he accepts me for my past. He hasn't been in a relationship for 4years until me and him got together. Annonymous Reader - I said my parents knew the guy but they believe him to be about 19 years of age. Also my mum arranged my cousins marriage which has the same age gap. The age gap sounds a bit woah now but it wont when we are older. And I'd say it is because of the way my family have been treating me tbh.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 A reason I can think of, it's because traditionally Sikh marriages are arranged marriages. It's a duty for the parents to arrange the marriage of their offspring, particularly females. It's a social duty, and a religious duty too : when a girl attains maturity it is incumbent to her parents to look for a suitable match.
If your parents are strictly observant and traditionalist , no wonder they want to have a say in your marriage. Either they think this guy is not suitable and you can do better, - or the guy could be Ok, but they don't want to give up on principle to their prerogative of choosing for you.
The sisterhood and pind thing could come from the same root, some ancient local tradition / prohibition( local of where you are originary from ) that your mom still feels bound to follow. In some cultures you don't need to be blood related to be considered morally related.
So why your future mother in law or your aunt or other Sikh women do not feel the same way ?
That's not so strange, it's a very common phenomenon with immigrants. Some really want very badly to be integrated in their new country and culture, and are fast to adopt the customs and mentality of their host country, just maintaining a limited and formal observance, if any, of the main religious/ cultural rules.
Some others , instead, feel their residence abroad as a even more compelling push to preserve their social, cultural and religious identity and become even stricter in adhering to the old customs.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 You have a longg way to go to even think about culminating this relationship into something!
Your 17,you live with your parents and they don't aprrove of your man!
You can do 2 things
Either talk to your parents and ask them to meet your boyfriend once,so they don't judge him without even knowing him
Or
You continue seeing him and your parents don't have to know for now!
Your 17 and your dating this guy so why all this family pressure now?take it slow,get to know each other and then figure out..why complicate your relationship even before it starts getting 'serious'.. For now focus on school,studies getting a job so you could be independent and not rely on anyone!!
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