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anonymous
writes: Tell me if I'm insane. My husband has a goatee and I'm sick of it...I really miss his smooth face. I've asked him to shave but he becomes mad and refuses. It's been 9 months and now every time I look at him I just see this mean person who doesn't care what I think. I know he has a right to look how he wants but I still can't get it out of my head to the point that I'm obsessed. What can I do? I pray to God every day that he will shave. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007): I wouldn't say that you're insane, just annoyed that your husband won't change his appearance because you asked him to do so. Perhaps you can compromise by asking him to trim his goatee to your liking at least temporarily, but you don't like his goatee, so that doesn't work. If my girlfriend asked me to shave off my beard, I probably wouldn't like the idea but would probably agree to do so with the agreement that I grow it back if I'd like to do so. There are so many compromises involved in relationships that I can't imagine just downright refusing to shave if my girlfriend asked me to do so.My question to you is this. How would you feel if your husband asked you to change your appearance in a way that wasn't suited to you? Perhaps putting yourself in your husband's position and thinking about how you would feel might give you a different perspective.I hope you two can work it out without much conflict.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2005): It's his face not yours.It's a part of him, not of you.If you don't love him for who he is (INCLUDING his goatee) then realize this and get out of the relationship.
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reader, robinlovescena +, writes (25 June 2005):
 you should support on any decision that he shall make. you should not care what he looks like on the outside dude. you are hurting him when you dont appreciate what he believes in him. good luck~Robin~aka advice gurl
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (24 June 2005):
You're not insane for preferring a smooth-shaven face, but unless you went into this with a no-facial-hair rider to the marriage contract, I don't think it's fair to nag him about it. More importantly, it's not smart: are you getting the reaction you want with the tactics and attitude you're employing now?
Here's what is smart: take a deep breath and a big step back. Think about what you love about this man, both inside and out. Reflect on why you wanted to marry him in the first place, and on the reasons he's told you he wanted to marry you.
Then, if you're not feeling it organically already, suck it up and tell him you are incredibly sorry you nagged him about his goatee—because you are, if only because it made things worse instead of better. Like I said, it's better if you feel genuine contrition for hurting his feelings and being selfish, but a real apology is necessary from one party in order to begin the healing, and it might as well be you.
Then promise him that you will stop nagging him about this now and forevermore. (And do it.)
Then, if you like—and only if you can do it without turning it into another wheedling request for a clean shave—explain that you only did it because you love seeing as much of his handsome face as you can. Take his face in your hands and kiss his nose, his lips and finally, his fuzzy goatee.
That's it. That's all that's under your control, provided you want to stay in the marriage (and I hope that a goatee isn't a marriage dealbreaker for you).
As previously suggested, perhaps you might be better off investing the energy you've expended in nagging in something else. Why not explore why you are so quick to assign antagonistic intent to the growing of a beard? Why not look at why you've got so much invested in this whole beard thing, anyway? Why not look at it as an opportunity to see how you can better yourself as a human being and deepen your feelings for him by learning to love him with a beard?
My guess is, if you can get to that level, you might learn to like the beard (it's more of him to love, after all) just as he might be moved to shave it for a woman who loves him so much. Kind of a "Gift of the Magi" thing.
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reader, xox?xox +, writes (24 June 2005):
I do sympathise with you, i know that to many people it doesn't seem like something worth fretting about, but when you are used to a person and have built up a physical image of them that you are both comfortable and used to seeing, it is strange when they no longer look the way you imagine and it can really pick at you everytime you see it!i suggest you tell your boyfriend for one last time how you feel about his goatee, you could even ask him if there is something that he might want you to change about yourself, and if he answers and you think its unreasonable then you shouldnt keep pestering him. but on the other hand, if you are willing to do that change fo him, why not try a compromise? At the end of the day beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you have to decide if you would change the way you looked even if you were happy with it, in order to make the person you love find you more attractive.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 June 2005):
 I agree with the answer below. The more you obsess about his facial hair, the less likely he is going to want to shave it off!
He probably feels really put out that you are so concerned about how he looks. Why not tell him how gorgeous he is to you? I'm assuming you still find him attractive? Let him know that you do.
There may be something about you that he doesn't particularly like but he doesn't say as he doesn't wish to hurt your feelings.
It's whats inside a man that's important. He isn't disrespecting you by not shaving, he is choosing to be independent in his choice of how to look. If you had very long, silky hair would you cut it because he asked you to?
Try investing this energy in making him feel special. If he is important to you, lay off the criticism.
Anyway, you never know, you may get the chance to see his smooth face again but not while you are nagging him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2005): If you feel uncomfortable with it them talk to him about it .Yes it is his choice but if you feel uncomfortable kissing him with it then surely you have a say in the matter to?If you hate it that much then surely him just shaving it will help otherwise it could get to the stage where your relationship could break down .:) tell him its just a little thing for him to do for you :) luv franxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2005): Wait until he's asleep then shave it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2005): Excuse the pun....but what's the big "hairy" deal. So what if he has a goatee?? And yes,he does have the right to look anyway he wants. And yes, he likely is getting ticked off at you, nagging him to shave it off. Ask yourself...is this really worth it? Isn't marriage a compromise? unconditional acceptance? If he's a good husband..why are you obsessing about this? Really, that is just a clear case of being far too petty on your part. The man likely loves you, accepts you as is. Relationships are hard enough to maintain without getting pissed off over facial hair and turning your marriage into a warzone over a goatee. Accept him with the goatee and quit being such a control freak about this. He likes it...it makes him happy...and you should respect that.
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