A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey id like to clear my thoughts and get an opinion. here goes, right ive been in a relationship for 14 years and we have 4 kids together. i no im probably going to get told i shouldnt read whats on the internet but its there and what i read is what i believe. so i read that in a normal relationship we should be having sex atleast twice a week but in the relationship im in we do it atleast twice a month but id say i do want it atleast 1 a week and id be happy, so far this year we have had sex 4 times and i have brought this up with her but she just says im too tired all the time i know she works 6hours 6days a week but im also tired after looking after 4kids for 24hours a day im mentaly and physicly drained but when im horny i dont care about how tired i am i try but all she would say is im too tired but when she comes in from work is sits on her phone till god knows what time in a morning i say you up for it no im too tired she would say so id say last year i had sex with my partner 25 times last year so far this year its 4 and where going into june i have asked her if she is having an affair but she just says no what do u guys think. im sexually frustrated help.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 June 2018):
 One other side note that I don't want to clutter up my advice. If you could please answer a few direct questions.
Did the drop in sexual frequency happen at about the same time as:
Her work schedule went to evenings?
Her phone usage picked up?
Are you allowed to make calls with her phone?
Do you take care of her phone bill?
TIA
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 June 2018):
Hey Original poster,
Thanks for writing back, You are right we have to guess a lot when we answer these questions. As Honey Pie mentioned. Working out is to make you feel better about yourself. It is one of the first bits of advice we give to every man who is experiencing a drop in sexual activity in their marriage. I don't think you are Fat, or lazy or stinky. I think your wife has lost attraction to you. Confidence is the most attractive thing a man can have. If you have that in spades, then you need to find out what it is she is missing.
Here are a few "suggestions" Some things women want in their men. These are not things I think you don't have. These are things that many women around the world want.
Safety and security.
Mystery and excitement.
Intimate conversation.
Trust.
A sense of Humor that makes her laugh.
OK that is a wallop of things for you to think about for you. But your followup gave us some great new info about her. Now We can't advise her directly, but we can suggest some things you might suggest to her.
First her work schedule is the worst for date nights. That is likely why it is so hard for you. That is likely why it isn't working. You need to find a tradition that works for you two. Perhaps a late breakfast together. Cuddles at kids nap times. Things she likes.
Second you have hit the nail right on the head with her phone problem. You two need phone free times at home. It is her problem, and she is going to have to be the one that puts down the phone.
I know that you think I don't understand your situation. But I've been in a declining sex marriage for 10 - 15 years. Right now I'm struggling with my wife's e-book reader addiction. She is going through 1-2 books every Day. And that's just the new ones. She re reads as well. I do get your frustration.
Thanks for reading this even though I upset you last time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): Thanks for the update, i am the female anon who said you would get lots of tips on how to improve it with your wife. People can only reply based on what they read and fill in the gaps on why it might be going wrong.From what you have said you are making the effort for your wife and she is taking you for granted BUT the other telling thing you wrote was 'I don't have a phone, i am not allowed one' this indicates you do not have an equal relationship and sorry but that is bordering controlling behavior on her part. Why on earth is she just using her phone so much? I find it bizarre watching women especially walking down paths with kids yet they are tapping away and staring at their phones, i have even had to jump out the way of a woman who was so engrossed in her phone she would have run into me with her buggy and three kids in tow. For some reason she is not valuing you or your relationship, why only she can answer that. But she is calling all the shots, she has you at her beck and call, does as she pleases, has sex with you when it suits her and you are not allowed a mobile yet she is constantly on hers?????No i don't think going to a hooker is the answer because you are a faithful man and it goes against your values, though i can see your frustration. You have two options i am afraid, you either sit down with her and lay it out there that you need her to change and you cannot put up with it anymore, she has to put the damn mobile down and invest in her family not technology or you continue to put up with it. Just a question and answer this yourself, do you trust her? Is your gut feeling she is cheating on you? Does she even still love you and do you feel this relationship is abusive? I ask because again i can't shake off the hypocrisy of you not 'Being allowed to have a phone'.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 June 2018):
 I absolutely get your frustration.
And going to the gym is NOT really for her sake, it's for YOURS. If you can do it WITH her great, if not... then go by yourself. It might make YOU feel better about YOURSELF. It's not about being fat or overweight - exercising is just GOOD for the body and soul (if you ask me). I get super antsy the days I don't work out. If the weather is meeeh and through out winter where I just stick to the home-gym. It's just not the same. My husband doesn't join me for bike rides or walks... which is his choice, but a shame.
If she works from 7pm to 12 pm. SHE can definite help out starting at 5 pm, take turns cooking for instance on her days to cook you can pop out for a run/walk or the gym.
Why I mention working out - it also a GREAT way for you to GET OUT of the house for an hour or two. YOU need (I'm sure a little me time here and there, we all do).
I think the two of you have fallen into a rut, with a bit of "role-reversal". And I think that doesn't really help in the romantic part of your marriage.
How much have to TALKED to her about this? She isn't a mind-reader, but she also doesn't really seem to think SHE needs to put any effort into the marriage because frankly.. where would you go? she makes the money and the rules.
I think you DO need to sit her down and tell her THIS isn't working for me. And then come up with some suggestions of HOW you two can make it work. (and not just about the sex life, but your lives in general) It sounds like you are bored out of your mind staying at home.
Have tech free time in the house - WE DO! that goes for my husband, myself AND the kids.
Which is why several people suggested you consider looking for a job.
Here is the BIGGEST thing, OP - making OTHER people change is hard. Harder than making changes for yourself and with yourself.
Going and using prostitutes isn't going to fix your marriage... and really without a job how would you have money for it? You would rather pay another woman to sex you up - money you don't HAVE? Money that should go towards the family and KIDS?! That would fix it for you? Really?! We should congratulate you that you are not cheating? Are you for real?
THE only way ANYTHING will change is if you TALK about and MAKE some changes yourself. Whinging doesn't help you one bit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): Hey man, ignore these idiots on the site. They always find reason to blame the man. I'm not saying you're free of guilt but I you wanted advice on the question placed here.
You and I are in a similar situation, except me and my wife don't have kids. Like your wife, my wife actively chooses not to consider sex. Dear "agony aunts" of Dear Cupid- it happens more than you seem to want to accept, women can be the problem sometimes.
Thing is, if she's not interested in sex, no amount of woo-ing and massages will change that- especially if she a phone addict (many women are). Making it clear to her that this is a big problem is the only thing to do, and try to work something out between you. It won't be an overnight fix, though. But trust me- and you can tell her this- there will be a point when the rejection becomes almost normal and you just accept it. She'll think you've come round to her way of thinking, you'll slowly realise the marriage is broken beyond repair.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): thanks for the answers some where shocking and shouldnt be allowed to answer no more and 1 or 2 where nice. id like to add, i dont ask for sex like that its just how i typed it on that day. also i dont DEMAND SEX it would be nice to have SOME SEX ya feel me, am i a bad person because id like abit of attention, why dont i just do what 90% of men do and CHEAT would i be a better man ? would i get more respect?next i look after the kids all day all night cook and clean all day all night she goes to work 7pm to 12am 6days aweek and goes out with friends 1 day a week, just like to add she sits on her phone all day then when shes at work shes on it all the time she does get warnings at work then when she comes in from work she lays in bed on her phone id ont have one not allowed.next i do rub her, massage her, tickle her back feet and head and i dont get nothing back from her i spend atleast an hour at night doing this also like to add i always tell her how beautiful she is i just get a reply somtimes saying thx love u look cute too and thats at 6am nrly every morning.next is we did do the date night thing then it stops then all she says is what can we do where can we go, we go the cinema we go bowling i take her for meal. Can i ask why do u guys think where FAT advicing us togo the gym did i mention i was overweght no i did not also if i was togo to the gym id like togo by myself its just how I.like it. Buy new clothes all the time, smell nice all the time..SO I DO ALL THE HOUSE WORK SHE SITS ON PHONE I DO ALL THE CLEANING SHE SITS ON PHONE SHE GOES TO WORK COMES HOME TO SIT ON HER PHONE WE HAVE TRIED DATE NIGHTS IT THEN STOPS I DONT NO WHY WHERE NOT OVERWIEGHT I DONT SMELL SHE DOE NOT SMELL I LOOK AFTER 4 KIDS ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, SO IM NOT DEMANDING SEX ID LIKE SOME SO IF IVE DONE THE THING YOU HAVE SUGGESTED WHATS WRONG. ITS HARD FOR ME BECOUSE THERE IS ESCORTS CLOSE BY AND CHEAP AND IM TEMPTED AND MASTERBATING DOESNT DO IT FOR ME
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2018):
 COURT the woman! Make date nights! Getaways! She has 4 kids, and when the sum total of your game is to simply ask for sex, she sees you as another mouth to feed, someone else who is wanting something from her. If your romance starts at night when you're horny, no wonder she doesn't want to go for it! Start in the morning by telling her how beautiful she looks! Take some of her workload off her shoulders. When my husband does the dishes at night, I want to wrestle him to the ground and take him right on the kitchen floor, and we've been married almost 20 years!
She could also be suffering from depression or even a medical issue. Both of you should be staying up on physicals too. Also, if she has gained weight, that can be the worst for a sexual marriage, because even if she's still hot to you, SHE may feel the physical exhaustion of not being in shape, or that she's not at her best.
I don't know what YOU look like, but if you've packed on some LB's, that can dampen a sex life too. Not all women find sex where they're doing all the work any more appealing than when a woman just lies there either. So you might want to up your energy and vitality too if you've let yourself go!
4 kids, and that can sap ANY sex life! Seriously. You two need to reconnect EMOTIONALLY. Get away from the kids for a second honeymoon if you can, because having sex in the same old way, in the same old stale position, that's like eating chocolate cake every day. No matter how much someone loves chocolate cake, eating the same piece every day will make even the biggest chocolate cake lover bored!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): This happened to me with my ex husband. I left him.
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A
female
reader, Ms Badger  +, writes (1 June 2018):
Firstly, there is no such thing as a normal relationship and how many times you 'should' have sex. Really all you can take from the internet is averages. Statistics don't account for individuals.Secondly, just because you don't care how tired you are doesn't mean that the same applies to her. It's further down on her list of wants or needs. I have experienced the same thing with my partner so i understand your frustration.Have you had an honest and open conversation with her about it? Gently without apportioning blame. Ask her what things as a couple you can do to move sex higher up her list. I really don't think keeping tally or discussing frequency will help. Several things in your post show that sex is quite important for you but in a more physical need way not in a loss of physical closeness or intimacy way. The fact that you think she might be having an affair shows to me that you aren't really getting her at all. She probably is tired, going on her phone is her winding down not her missing an opportunity for sex. Long term relationships especially those with children ebb and flow and change. This is the situation right now but it's not necessarily permament. Your post is rather orgasm focused but your orgasm isn't likely a great source for getting her in the mood. Honestly just have a chat to her but rather than want or need try to focus on 'I feel' or 'I miss'. 'I'm feeling a bit disconnected lately and I really miss our old sex life' sounds a lot better than 'we have sex twice a month and we should be having it twice a week'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): When life becomes boring, routine, predictable, and there's no romance or passion; sex is boring and like a duty. If there is no foreplay, kissing, frolicking, exploring, and emotional-connection; sex is just an act to get-off. Do you just get-on, get-off, and rollover to sleep?
Do you try to stay healthy and in-shape? Try to smell good on occasion? On a momemnt's notice, get a sitter, and just ask her to go out for a drink; just to chat and to talk about her week? Do you pretend to be strangers in a bar, and pretend you're trying to pick her up?
Do your buy her little gifts, for no reason at all, just because? Do you sneak-up behind her, and kiss on the back of the neck? Or just give her a smile, and a kiss on the cheek; just because you appreciate her, your family, and your life?
After disagreements, do you compromise on a solution; and say you're sorry for the hurtful things you've said?
Out of the clear blue, do you gather-up your brood and your woman; and just take them for a long ride in the country, or plan a picnic on a Sunday in the park?
Do your ask her to dress-up and put on a pretty dress, and take her dancing? Tease her, and make her giggle? Tell her how pretty she is, even when she's not made-up or dressed-up?
If she's getting nothing; that's why you're getting nothing.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 May 2018):
 Is that your idea of foreplay? Asking her "are you up for it?" I mean, really?
Have you tried courting her? Running her a bath so she feels sexy and like a lover again instead of just a mother and provider?
You did make me laugh when you said you believe what you read. I bet I could go on the internet and find numerous different opinions on how often "normal" sex should take place. There is NO "normal". Each couple have to work out what works for them. If she is tired and you suggest sex by asking if she is "up for it", then I am surprised you have had sex AT ALL this year.
Make her a brew. Rub her feet. Give her a shoulder massage. Take her out for a meal if you can afford it and can arrange child care. Make her feel beautiful and desirable again. You have no right to DEMAND sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): Is that the extent of your romancing and foreplay? 'You up for it then?'No wonder you're not getting anywhere.You have a lot to learn about women and relationships.Women are not like you. We are rarely 'up for it' if we're knackered, unappreciated and feel neglected and unloved. It's not just about getting our rocks off and then move on with the day.For women, sex has a lot to do with emotional connections first before we feel like having sex.Try cuddling up with her to watch a film. Not with the intention of having sex, but with the intention of emotionally connecting with her again.Have fun with her, flirt with her, tease her (not sexually). Woo her again. Imagine she's someone you've just met and remember what it would be like to chat her up, get her attention.If you make her feel loved and special and appreciated, then just watch her attention turn from her phone to you. For women when the fun and the romance dies, so does that sex drive.Men often complain that sex stops and women complain that the romance stops.Put the romance back in. You may feel why should I have to make an effort when she won't?Because my friend, it's the only way to make her WANT to make love with you again.And for God's sake don't say 'you up for it then?' ever again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2018):
I agree with FA.
Time to plan for YOU to get out on the work market too. You didn't mention how young your kids are so that part is a little hard to advice on.
If you stay at home 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with 4 KIDS, no wonder you are feeling frustrated - sexually and otherwise.
I'd suggest you start with a part time job and see what kind of day-care is available for you and your wife's income. I'm pretty sure there is some assistance out there for the two of you.
You have "lost" who you were - now you are "just" Stay-at-home-dad". Which means that is also how your WIFE sees you, which as GREAT as it is for you to take on the care of 4 kids (I have stayed at home with 3 kids so I KNOW the work involved) - but you NEED to not just be "daddy".
I would also advice that you two start using birth-control. 4 kids is plenty - and on ONE 36 hours a week income? That is a pretty tight ship. Very little financial wiggle-room for things such as dates, romance, etc.
I'm also sure SHE is tired after a long day at work so sex DOES tend to move down the list.
I know there is a "saying" that men like SEX to feel loved and show love.A physical connection. Women want more of an emotional connection.
And in most relationships AND marriages the women sort of holds the key to sex. And if it's a subject that is never discussed... It DOESN'T change! However, saying to your wife - "I want more sex, we SHOULD be having it twice a week according to the Internet" - well, that is NOT going to get you ANYWHERE. It might just start a dry-spell indeed or arguments.
There are not SET in stone amount of times a week or month that people at ANY stage in their lives SHOULD want or have sex. That is something that the INDIVIDUAL couple has to work out and maintain.
So, like FA mentioned... You need to BE the MAN you want to be. And also the man SHE wants you to be - the man she FELL for. Taking some of the financial burden OFF her shoulders, finding an occasional baby sitter and TAKE her out (on dates, can be movie or dinner or something you two SHARE a common interest in.) BUT doing things TOGETHER can help HER see "YOU" and for you to show her emotional affection and attention - which can definitely lead to more sex.
You two could start going to the gym together - work out together - go for walk (whole family as well as just the two of you).
You have MADE the choice to have 4 kids with her, and to commit for 13 years - it is BOTH your jobs to KEEP working on making the marriage work.
How is your daily routine?
Do you do little sweet things for her during the week? (I have found when you DO that for a partner, they usually reciprocate).
When she gets home from work - what happens?
Can you describe a "normal" day?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): I don't know if it's possible but maybe she could work less days and you could get a job a couple of days a week so you are sharing work and child care. Then she will probably feel less tired. Run her and bath one evening so she can relax. Go on a date together without the kids. Make an extra effort on your appearance. You could also buy foods with aphrodisiac properties
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 May 2018):
Did I read this right? You are running a household of 6 on 36 hours of work a week? That's impressive.
My advice is work out, find job, get haircut, New clothes. Look up 180.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): You have your hands full with 4kids to look after and sex is starting to take a back seat.I think sometimes you have to make an effort in life to be physically there for your partner.Perhaps you have to make some time on the weekends where you can both enjoy some sex together.A bit of scented massage oil can often set the mood and if there is one day of the week when you dont have to get up early a glass of wine and a film can bring you both a little closer.Ideally a rom com with some violin romantic on screen moments or anything that entertains you both.At least she should switch the phone off during your couple time.And its up to you to talk to her about the fabulous way you felt when you first met her and how lucky you are that she is still so attractive.I think the task is to get her out of parenting mode and into a more lighthearted mood otherwise you will take to sleeping on the couch.Dream a little of a lifestyle you both could share if things worked out for you both and ask her if she would like you to look outside of your relationship for someone if she tells you that she has gone off you altogether and sex is to be something you no longer engage in.Be calm about this, not emotional, nor angry, nor demanding.In about the same tone as "do you think the lawn needs cutting?" , maybe even jokingly to guage her reaction.I hope she realises that you feel you're missing out.Tell her that its important to you to keep a romantic spark alive even though you both have so many responsibilities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): You do know you are going to be told that you need to look at romancing her and showing her it is not all down to just sex don't you? It sounds like she works all day, has one day off, spends time with the kids before bed and then just wants to wind down. Look this is up to you both to sit down and see what you can do to improve things. When she gets home is she running about doing housework, cooking etc? If you are the stay are home parent then are you ensuring she is able to come home and relax? Why not suggest having a date night? Even if it is putting the kids to bed, making a nice meal and putting flowers on the table, you do need to make time to be a couple still...She may just feel bogged down with work and the children and has lost her mojo and sorry but if you are just saying you want sex for a lot of women that is going to be off putting. You will get lots of tips about how to entice her back but what is really needed is a sit down, with no disruptions and see how you can both get back on track. I notice you didn't say you love her or miss her specifically, are you just missing the sex, do you still find her attractive? Are you showing her you still find her attractive and love her? Be honest with yourself on these things, sorry putting my thoughts down as i type so jumbled up advice.... you will get other thoughts i am sure
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