A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I've got a serious relationship problem I really need some help with!I have been with my boyfriend for four years. He's caring, kind, affectionate and I really do love him. However, our relationship lacks passion and we have little sexual interaction with each other (we are only 22 but it feels like we have been married for years) However, an old male friend of mine has recently come back into the picture and I find my feelings for him growing. I was friends with him back before I met my boyfriend; we were somewhat flirtatious with each other, but then I met my boyfriend and he told me to stop talking to this other guy. That is where the friendship ended. It was only recently that he reached out to me and we have been chatting over text non-stop since then. I liked this guy back when we used to talk and it feels like all the old feelings are coming back. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is starting to tell that I'm a little bit different with him, saying that I seem off. I try to act normal because I haven't done anything wrong, only chatting with this guy, but I feel like soon something could happen. There is another issue too; the other guy has a girlfriend. We have both been flirty with each other and have talked about meeting up but nothing concrete so I'm worried that he's bored in his relationship and is using me as a small moment of excitement. I worry the feelings I have for him won't be reciprocated. We both know that the other has a long-term partner but we literally never talk about it.I guess I know I need to tell my boyfriend but we have multiple plans together over the summer which have cost a lot of money, and if we break up now I feel like he'll be angry, as will my family, as I will have caused everyone to waste a lot of money. I need some guidance please! And I know I have done something wrong, or I have at least thought about it, so please try not to be too unkind to me. I just need help desperately!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 I'll tell it to you straight!
This "old flame" is a major DICKWAD!!
Seriously?! He *Has* a girlfriend, yet he's going behind her back to contact YOU??? Have you once considered what will happen once you jettison a perfectly good guy for this loser what's going to happen when YOU are the girlfriend he's cheating on??
NEVER DATE A CHEATER!
You start your relationship with ZERO trust, and you already know that this guy does not respect who he is with!
You're alienating affection from your boyfriend, and THAT is why he's seeming to be old and stale. When you are cheating or about to cheat, the person you're with WILL lose in the battle for your affections, and ultimately, the loser is YOU. WHat the hell are you doing having an emotional affair?? END things with your boyfriend before you talk to someone else!
Honestly, the rules of honorable relationships are to treat others the way you would want to be treated!
Would you want your current boyfriend flirting it up with a girl behind your back? So why are YOU doing it?? It's not hard! Don't be a cheater! Don't ever DATE a cheater! Life is much better and far more honorable that way!
Either stay with the guy you're with and CUT CONTACT with cheater-boy, or end it with your boyfriend and be alone. Tell "old flame" to F*** off unless he is single and without a girlfriend.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 I'm not going to repeat what the others have rightly said but I'm just going to ask you a very simple question. Do you see yourself being with this boyfriend in the next 5-10 or even 15 years? Do you see yourself getting married to him, having kids with him, spending your future with him?
If yes then let go of the other guy and start to work on rebuilding your relationship.
If no then stop wasting his time, your time and everybody else in your family's time. And let go of the flame guy... He's just using you for a quick ego boost and you're allowing him to take advantage of you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): You and your boyfriend need to get-out and have a little more fun together, like people your age should.
You're probably sitting around the house, both of you on your devices; and barely talking to each other. You probably go about your usual daily-routines; and you tolerate each other like you're a couple of flatmates. When you're at home, always in your sweats; and dragging about. You work or go to school, come home, eat, shower, watch tellie, stare at your phones, and go to bed. Boooooriiinnnnngggg!
I suspect that you only have fun; if you're out with your friends, and apart from each other. It gives you the freedom to flirt; and let other guys check you out! You probably prefer a girl's night-out, over a date with your guy! You're probably itching to be single again.
You said there's no passion? So what have you done, or said to him about that?
Instead, you go chase-down some guy you used to know; and chat behind his back. Like he's supposed to read your mind. Your relationship needs some maintenance, and your batteries need charging; but you'd rather go find a guy you used to know. Who already has a girlfriend?
Girlfriend, get a grip? What's wrong with you?
Maybe your relationship has run it's course; and you just want to get out there and date. Perhaps you want to have sex with other guys.
Don't say you love him; because if that was the case, it would be your boyfriend you're chatting-up and flirting with. Not some bozo you used to know.
Be honest with yourself, and with your boyfriend.
Are you just tired of your relationship and ready to move on? Then give it some thought, and have a long talk with your boyfriend.
Even if you haven't had sex "yet;" you're still cheating, and sneaking around behind his back. Until you do! You've got enough nerve to go after another guy; but not enough nerve to tell your own boyfriend what's going on in your head. That you need some passion. Maybe because there's no passion in you for him?
Makes no sense!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): No no no, meeting this lad and potentially doing something is not the way to go. You at least owe it to your boyfriend not to do that to him and will you regret it, yes you will. Look you are young and maybe the relationship with your boyfriend has run it's course but you will be making a bad move in trying to get with this lad and lets be honest here, if you think he is up for that, what makes you think if you did get with him he would not do that to you AND who is to say he is not a player and cheats on his girlfriend all the time?You are a loyal girl, you have become bored in your relationship and you are questioning things. But if it is over with your boyfriend in the end do yourself a big favor and end it and be single for a while so you don't make any mistakes you will cringe at or end up in another relationship just because you feel you can't be on your own, YOU CAN, don't rebound and don't lower your standards by doing the dirty on your boyfriend, he doesn't deserve that does he...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2018):
 Yep, I think both the uncles have hit the nail on the head.
You AGREED to not chat to other guys when you got with your BF, so what has changed that now "allows" you to do so? Why is it OK now?
*hint* it's not.
The fact that you have vacation plans is not the big point here. The big point is that YOU are BORED with your "great" BF and this "old flame" has given you the attention and entertainment you have been missing. Which really IS NOT how to "spice" up a boring relationship.
If you HAVE made plans with people that cost THEM a lot of money, then I think you have an obligation to stick to these plans. I honestly think when you have made a commitment like this, you NEED to hold your end of the bargain. UNLESS you can GIVE them the money that they SPEND on YOUR ticket etc.
While the "old flame" might have been someone who really liked and "flirted" with over 4 years ago, you have both (hopefully) matured.
HE also has a partner. You have a partner. These partners are not OLD TISSUES you just toss on a whim. Jumping from ONE relationship into a new one is RARELY a good idea. Because there is ALWAYS a need for taking stock of what went wrong (so you don't repeat the same mistakes over and over), reassess your own standards, needs and wants.
So really my advice would be to CUT off this "old flame" NO more chatty flirty shit going on. YOU wouldn't like it if a partner did that BEHIND your back. TAKE the summer to figure out if your CURRENT relationship can be salvaged or if the two if you have simply outgrown each other.
If you REALLY care for your BF, you have a talk with him about the things you feel you are NOT getting from him. Like sex, attention and affection. You don't go behind his back and try and get that from others. If you and he can't work on the issues that is NOT working in the relationship, then END IT and BE single a while. Get back to being YOU.
Also, OP... consider this. If this "old flame" is willing to chat you up while he has a GF... who is to say he wouldn't do the EXACT same if YOU were seeing him?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 May 2018):
 You need to decide what you want.
From what I’m reading it’s NOT your BF anymore and you’re excited by speaking to this new guy because it’s fresh and interesting as opposed to the mundane day to day life with your BF.
Money and holidays isn’t a factor here. Who cares about that? This is your happiness we’re talking about here, you can’t put a price on that so I wouldn’t even bring those things into the equation.
You need to decide whether you want to fight for your BF or not. If you do this this new guy needs to go, no ifs ands or buts. You said yourself you think something could haopen with the new guy which is not only incredibly disrespectful to your BF but also from him to his GF. How would either of these feel if they found out what was going on? Would you like it if your BF was doing it to you? I doubt it, so I think you need to be considerate to other people here.
Code warrior has it right in saying don’t break up for the new guy. Break up because it’s not working with your BF. What’s to say if you broke up on the promise of this other guy leaving his GF and when it came down to it he didn’t? Then you’re left up shit creek without a paddle. Relationships lower in intensity as they go on, but they survive on people’s level of love for each other and if you don’t have it anymore then why force it?
I think if you truly wanted to be with your BF then this other guy wouldn’t be in the picture but I think you also need to steer clear of him because he’s in a relationship, this whole thing could get very messy and you could look very bad if you get caught cheating.
Neither of these guys are for you. One your love has faded and the other is in a relationship.
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