A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24, my boyfriend is 42 and we met 9 months ago on a cliff while he was on holidays in my country. At the time he was talking to his buddies about how amazing the scenery was and we locked eyes for the first time and smiled at each other. We then started a very causal conversation about where he is from , where I'm from and he just really wanted to know more about my culture so we exchanged numbers, I knew something sparked between us. We text all that night and he begged me to meet him for coffee the next day, I met him at a cafe where he gave me a rose and the conversation just flowed. We have so much in common and agree on many things . I showed him some of the landmarks and that afternoon he asked if I was looking for a relationship and told me he was divorced with 2 kids and asked if it would be an issue. Which at the time didn't bother me. That night we walked and talked more and he just stopped and gazed into my eyes and said there is something very special about you I really like you. It was then we kissed for the first time. After a few wines and deep chat he caught my hand and asked me to come to his hotel room where we later had sex. When he got home to the states he rang me and asked me to come to New Jersey that he would love to take me on a proper first date and told me he would pay the flights and I could stay with him and if I felt uncomfortable he would get me home. A week later I found myself being greeted with flowers at the airport , and a romantic cosy setting of candles wine and dinner at his home. It was then he asked me could we start a relationship, he promised to make the distance work and he has stuck to his word and I've never been happier. 8 months on we have Skype every day he has visited each other as much as we can, the trips were short and with that there was a lot of tension came a lot of sex when we got together , it was then I found myself pregnant shortly after a trip home from America I hesitated to tell him as after all we were only together 5 months at the time but when I told him he put his hands to his mouth and cried and asked me if I was serious and told me how he never thought he would have more children and that he feels so lucky, now he wants me to move. He begs me daily to move and being our lives together he tells me he wants to marry me. When he asks me I want to say yes but instead I tell him I will soon. Luckily I I can move with my business. He can't move to me, What's stopping me is on my second trip there he got over excited and begged me to meet his older children which I felt was too soon , he has a boy who is 15 and girl 17 and from what I feel his daughter hates me. For the week I was there I could tell she didn't want me with her father. When he would walk across the room and hug me from behind or kiss my neck , or be playful around me, she would walk out. Things are bitter between him and his ex wife. He owns his own house, he is well off and I know his daughter feels it's why I'm with him which is not the case as I have my own business and income. His son is very considerate and respectful but his daughter throws me angry looks , and she just hates me around. They stay usually at the weekends . It was when she heard us having sex one night when she came to his house unexpectedly that's when the problems really started. The morning after I noticed that she was mad with him and when I asked him he said she heard us last night it's no big deal. He has been wanting to tell his kids about the pregnancy for 5 weeks now but each time I've made excuses not to as I'm freaking out that it's going to cause more heated problems. I've told him my feelings about his daughter and he tells me it's just she's never seen him with anyone else and the problem is not me, but I feel it is. I can understand that it's not nice seeing your father with someone else but I am deeply in love with this man and I feel I can't progress because I literally feel so hated by her. I have tried to speak to her she walks away and says don't talk to me she even has me blocked on Facebook. He is eager to have me in the states soon to go to appointments and be there With me and there is nothing more I want than being with him every day . When I tell his daughter I love her father she says you love his pocket. When he suggested us to go do something together she says yeah if it's just her and her father. My bf is very eager to tell his children about our baby but I can't help but panic every time he says that we should break the news. His goals is for me to be moved over within the next 3 months but I can't see me and his daughter getting along so soon. I need advice on how to try and get her to understand I'm not out to hurt her father that I love him very much. How do I try and get her to realise I fell in love with her father and I'm not here to hurt anyone ? He makes me so happy and I make him happy but I know us being together is causing arguments between them and I feel a burden when I'm in his home . I need advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): Are you kidding me. The father needs to tell his daughter to be respectful he is an adult she is the child. I would never allow my teenaged children to treat someone I love like this or treat anyone like this. There is never an excuse to treat someone badly. She sounds like a spoiled brat and dad needs to be an authority figure not a friend and let the daughter know when she is in his house she will be respectful to all adults. I am so sick of people making excuses for bad behaviour. Movein with him if you want always treat his daughter the way you would want to be treated but don't let her be disrespectful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): There's something about your post that doesn't quite 'ring true'. I believe that you are infatuated with this man and that you are so used to treating things like business - you say you run a business that is portable (even across the globe) - and having to manage a business, that there is a subtle sense in which this creeps into your descriptions of what is going on, and suggests you are treating this like a business operation - quite coldly in some ways, despite being caught up in the heat of the lust involved and your enjoyment of the very intense attention from this man.
It's more to do with what you are NOT saying than what you are, but what you are saying is also quite telling; the sense I get is that you want things to go smoothly, more like a business operation or transaction and you are only concerned that your partner's daughter's distress might spoil the smooth running of things, rather than being genuinely concerned about her and empathetic towards her position in all of this.
I think without realising, you place a lot of emphasis on the attention that this man gives you - physical attention mainly. You also place emphasis on how this attention includes him paying for (very expensive) flights etc. This is in the absence of any authentic description of him as a person in the more full sense, and why you love him as a three dimensional being. The view you give is very one dimensional and shallow and with almost no reflection at all on his children as full people with a whole host of emotions and needs. Your only real mention of his son as to indicate that he is not a problem, that he is compliant - this is a very business like way of viewing things. You only discuss his daughter in terms of how she seems to pose a threat to the smooth running of your relationship with her father.
You also quite coldly explain that you became pregnant five months into a long-distance relationship with a very wealthy man eighteen years your senior, and that the relationship is pretty much based on sexual needs and intensity and daily - I think addictive at this point - chats on Skype.
I think his daughter is absolutely 'on the money' regarding your interest in her father. But it may not matter to you or to him; both of you seem so shallow and immature that it may be that you suit each other for those reasons and will work things out. I'm under no doubt whatsoever that this would not be happening at all were he not loaded; I can't see an entrepreneurial young businesswoman getting pregnant to someone half way across the globe if he were, say, a totally impoverished writer.
I'm not convinced. But I don't think it matters to your plans at all.
This suggests you are an entrepreneur of some kind. Entrepreneurs are known to be extremely controlling people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): Tell them about the baby. I do think you'd be rushing, to even consider marriage at this point. You hardly know the man. Give it some time before you take that drastic step.
Moody pouting-teenagers are in no position to choose whom their parents decide to date, or to marry.
Considering his daughter is at that age, when she'd date the devil's spawn; and insist she can't live without him! All in spite of her father's wishes to the contrary!
She doesn't hate you; she's misbehaving to manipulate her father, and to scare you off. She's still a child, and most likely she's still resentful of their divorce. She is also in the position of being concerned about how her mother feels about all this.
It's only natural for her to be protective of both her parents. Just in-case you are a gold-digger (rhetorically speaking), and up to no good! Sometimes people her age can spot a snake faster than an adult! They can play the dumb-kid, and watch without detection. They'll catch you with your defenses down! Boy's are less emotional; or might conceal their true-feelings. They'll be nice to your face, and stab you in the back!
I think you're fully-legit; but it will take time to gain their trust. Life goes on, even if you don't!
You shouldn't hide the fact you are pregnant from his children. Being secretive won't gain you any points. They are old enough to be told things. How can they trust you; if you feel you should hide something like that?
You're an adult; therefore, you must demand your due respect, regardless of their opinions. Their father is the one who decides whom he wishes to date, or share his life with. I just don't see him falling head-over-heels in-love; in as quickly as a few months. He's half-responsible you're pregnant; so it's his moral-responsibility to own it. In spite of how romantic this story goes.
Bear in-mind, you'll be uprooting your life. Leaving your family and all you know behind. Attempting to recreate or restart your business. All this in a different location, under different laws, another economy, different clientele, and then there's the immigration red-tape.
Continue offering his daughter an olive branch. Get as close to his son as you're able to. Be sincere, don't kiss-up! Teenagers will see through that; and they will throw it right back in your face. They're not babies, they're young adults! They're also still kids; and don't get to meddle in the business or romantic-affairs of adults. Even if they were full-adults; it wouldn't be any of their business. They simply have no say. So fasten your seat-belt; dealing with the ways and moods of teenagers is always a bumpy-ride!
To kids their age, you and their dad together is totally gross. Even the thought of their own parents in a sexual-situation is gross.
The more honest, sincere, and upfront you are at the beginning; the faster you both can work this situation out with his kids.
And then there's his ex-wife.
She'll be jealous, resentful, spiteful, and manipulative. She and the daughter will form a coalition. You'll just have to be strong enough to withstand what you've gotten yourself into. You decided to have a romance with a divorcee with kids, you're now pregnant; and your boyfriend is nearly twice your age. Such are the consequences and circumstances; and you'll have to take them on.
Best of luck, and congratulations with the pregnancy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): Of course she resents you. She's only seventeen and there has to be a real "ick" factor for her to watch her father getting mushy with a woman that's half his age and not her mother.
Put yourself in her shoes. Be polite when she's around, but give her some space. Neither of you are respecting her feelings. When she or her brother are around there is no need to get touchy feely. You can do that when you're alone together. Keep it private.
If your relationship progresses and turns out to be the real thing, she may eventually become more accepting of you. Give her time, space and stop putting your affection for each other on display in front of her. She is still a child and you are the adults.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): He sounds like he is acting quite the perfect gent with you but his daughter is clearly upset on her mum's behalf so i am going to take it she has struggled to move on and it has affected the children. It is doubtful his daughter is going to be happy to hear about the baby and i feel sorry for her for what she is about to find out. Please also understand that she is struggling, speak to your partner and ask that he breaks it as gently to his children and to understand this will be a shock to them. The baby may bring you all closer together in the end, she may thaw, but that depends on how you react to her (other agony aunts and uncles have covered that) and how their father is about it. I also agree his daughter hearing you having sex would have been a huge embarrassment to her and i am sure it will tug on her loyalty to her mum and whether to tell her or not, your boyfriend really does need to be a bit more thoughtful towards his children, keep his emotions in check and ensure he won't love them any less.It is great he is happy about the baby and it is neither of your fault that his marriage has ended and he has found happiness, BUT he must put being a father first and not act like a giddy teenager around them with you, it is not nice and little wonder she is not warming to you. Best of luck, hope all goes well
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 My advice to you is not to take it personally. Her feelings for you have to do with her father and her mother. If she is close to her mother, she most likely feels that any affection towards you is a betrayal of her.
Do not take it personally. Be cordial. Be courteous. Let her walk out of the room. If she takes it a step further and disrespects you, respond as the adult with empathy. Tell her that you know things are hard, and you don't blame her for how she feels, but that you request that she not curse at you, or speak in that manner.
It will take time, and she may never warm up to you. ALso, if you're pregnant, that is a major shock to the system. She may fall in love with her half brother or sister. Just be patient, kind, calm, and caring.
Their arguments are between them. He is their father. Don't let him put you in the place of disciplinarian to them. Don't try to be their disciplinarian. Treat them fairly and kindly, as I'm sure they're going through profound stress based on the friction between their parents, and they're caught in the middle. If anything, that's actually common ground, as you're caught in the middle as well. If they argue, you should step out. Don't jump in!
Time and patience!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): You sound very competitive, OP! And very catty too! You are young and immature and totally full of yourself.This guy is using you for sex and companionship. He won't marry you or spend his life with you. You're just a shiny little toy. He will say all of this stuff to keep you roped in. There is a large age gap and that age gap will soon start to show, once the shiny, new sex wears off. You don't see that now, but you will. And so will he. He is thinking like a horny teenager whose had sex for the first time. He just got out or a long term relationship so his head is not on straight. He will think it is and sell you the same thing but give him time and you will see his cold feet emerge. Even if he does go through with a "commitment" to you, I am pretty sure this relationship is not built to last. Especially when you are going to have the constant pressure from his daughter interfering. And, it SHOULD.His daughter is his flesh and blood. His princess. You, on the other hand, are NOT. When it comes down to it, if he has to make a choice between her and you, it will be HER.If you think you are better than his daughter or LIKE the idea she is jealous because it props up your ego, then you've got some problems with your own insecurities and self worth!Maybe focus on your own happiness and self esteem outside this guy. You don't need a man to validate you!It seems you have wormed your way into their life and of course she does not like you!And she never will. messYou are getting yourself into a complicated mess. Up to you to decide if the SEX is worth the aggravation and eventual disappointment from this situation.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 You barely know him. This isn't love. You had sex really early on and you're infatuated because an older, charming man is interested in you and he's infatuated because he's divorced and a sweet young lady is interested in him.You're still strangers - don't move anywhere any time soon.Give it time, rather than being impulsive.Oh wait, you're pregnant. Of course. I'm sorry OP, but that was so irresponsible and reckless of the two of you.He got himself into this huge mess - which is exactly what it is. So, he needs to man up and admit everything to his family to give them time to come round before the baby comes out and his kids resent it.I know this may sound harsh, but it's shocking that such silly behaviour has taken place that has driven a wedge into a family and now created a new baby to add to the list.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 June 2018):
 I can't help wondering if you honestly expected his daughter to welcome you with the same enthusiasm as her father did? He may (or may not) be as wonderful as you think he is, but he is showing a cruel lack of empathy towards his children, especially his daughter. He is all "loved up" at the moment and not taking her feelings into consideration at all.
I am not even convinced her true reason for not liking you is anything to do with money. I suspect that money is the reason which is easy for her to voice, so she has latched onto that. What is far more likely to be her issue is that someone not much older than her has suddenly taken all her father's attention away from her at an age where she NEEDS her father, especially given the breakup of the relationship between her parents and the fact she only sees her father at week-ends. For him to be physically "playful" with you when his daughter is around shows a total lack of any consideration for her feelings. She is a teenager for crying out loud. She is NOT going to feel comfortable with her father messing about with his new young girlfriend in front of her. Hearing you two having sex WAS a big deal to his daughter. For him to just dismiss it out of hand makes me question just how wonderful a human being he really is.
I am sure you are right that she is not going to react well to the news of the baby. Perhaps you could discuss with their father HOW he is going to break this news to his children? (Just because the son is polite doesn't mean he feels any less sidelined by his father than does his sister; he is just handling it better - on the surface at least.) Their father needs to reassure them that they are not being sidelined or replaced, or that he will love them any less.
When you do move to be with your new boyfriend, perhaps you could work out a way of the children's father having a bit of alone time with the children on the week-ends they visit? Perhaps he could take them out somewhere to do things together, or even make a meal and sit down with them to give them chance to talk to him about their fears and feelings? I am sure you can find other things to do for a few hours.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 June 2018):
I can't help wondering if you honestly expected his daughter to welcome you with the same enthusiasm as her father did? He may (or may not) be as wonderful as you think he is, but he is showing a cruel lack of empathy towards his children, especially his daughter. He is all "loved up" at the moment and not taking her feelings into consideration at all.
I am not even convinced her true reason for not liking you is anything to do with money. I suspect that money is the reason which is easy for her to voice, so she has latched onto that. What is far more likely to be her issue is that someone not much older than her has suddenly taken all her father's attention away from her at an age where she NEEDS her father, especially given the breakup of the relationship between her parents and the fact she only sees her father at week-ends. For him to be physically "playful" with you when his daughter is around shows a total lack of any consideration for her feelings. She is a teenager for crying out loud. She is NOT going to feel comfortable with her father messing about with his new young girlfriend in front of her. Hearing you two having sex WAS a big deal to his daughter. For him to just dismiss it out of hand makes me question just how wonderful a human being he really is.
I am sure you are right that she is not going to react well to the news of the baby. Perhaps you could discuss with their father HOW he is going to break this news to his children? (Just because the son is polite doesn't mean he feels any less sidelined by his father than does his sister; he is just handling it better - on the surface at least.) Their father needs to reassure them that they are not being sidelined or replaced, or that he will love them any less.
When you do move to be with your new boyfriend, perhaps you could work out a way of the children's father having a bit of alone time with the children on the week-ends they visit? Perhaps he could take them out somewhere to do things together, or even make a meal and sit down with them to give them chance to talk to him about their fears and feelings?
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