A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating someone for a little over a year. It's pretty serious, and we've moved in together. I love him, and I enjoy spending time with him, but he has a very close woman friend, and that's the problem. They became close when they were young and worked for the same employer, and they've known each other for 30 years. The story is, they tried dating, but they felt more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend, so it didn't work out. He tells me that he's closer to her than anyone. They both were going through a marital separation at about the same time. They spent the night at each other's houses, drank together, commiserated together, but he assures me there was nothing more. They slept in separate rooms. She's absolutely gorgeous, and she's very open about her sexuality, to the point where she'll bear a breast in front of him (and me!) They kiss goodbye, they tell each other "I love you." All of this is in front of me. And I'm supposed to be okay with this! Am I wrong?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Wow hard call. My gut tells me there is nothing going on sexually between them at this time 0either. Maybe in the past there was but they have gotten past that.
I think that they have a long history and you having been with him only about a year can't even begin to compete with that and you are jealous of the intimacy they have emotionally and I can understand that.
I also sense he's more of an action speaks louder than words kind of guy. In which case, I would strongly urge you to listen to his actions more than his words.
I say I love you to my friends (male or female gay or straight it does not matter).
You state "she is gorgeous" so I'm going to assume you feel inferior to her in some way and I'm going to point out that that alone may be the big problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don't believe that there's a sexual relationship between them, but there is a very close friendship. I would never ask him to give that up. The thing is, I want him to feel as close to me (or hopefully even closer) as he feels to her, and I'm not always sure that's the case. When I bring it up, he's very vocal about his feelings for her, but less so about his feelings for me. I can't help feeling hurt and a little jealous. Plus, he's been hesitant to talk to me about her because he thinks I'm overly jealous. So here we are, he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about her, but he can talk to her about me. His silence when it comes to their relationship makes me feel as if he's hiding something, and my jealous brain starts working overtime, imagining things that probably aren't true. I've talked to him, and he has promised to be more open with me about her. After I told him that I needed to be assured that I was the most important person in his life, he haltingly and with great difficulty told me I was. He's not terrible good at talking about his feelings for me, and I'm not always sure that it's because he doesn't have those feelings or if it's because he's just bad at talking about them. I'm hoping for the best. We'll see how things go. Thanks everyone for your help and advice!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 April 2013):
 Perhaps there is nothing more than friendship between them? But you didn’t fall down in the last shower either! For now, just keep watch without vocalising too much.
What I see between them is their long history and her need to exhibit herself in front of anyone! Attention seeking! OK; now if this was you’re behaviour; flashing breasts to a previous boyfriend etc. would he be interested in being with you?
Given that she’s loopy; guys generally choose stability over stupidity when they’re getting serious!? Imagine if they were an item and she behaved like this with visitors… Do you think; that’s how he’d really want his true life partner to behave? I guess that’s why he’s not with her, but you, and she’s still out there competing for attention.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013): Having a female friend is ok but saying "I love you" and baring breasts and such like may be ok while he is single but all of that behaviour should have stopped as soon as he got a girlfriend. Honestly, I think it is disrespectful to you that he behaves that way and you should tell him how much it upsets you.
My boyfriend has a close female friend and I was uncomfortable with her and she's not nearly as full-on with him as this girl is with your boyfriend. She probably knows she shouldnt act the way she does with someone else's boyfriend. I don't think you have to worry about her if they tried dating and it didn't work, but I wouldn't put up with their behavious if I were you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 It's ok to have a female friend, but to flaunt her in front of you is wrong. If he doesn't know how upsetting that is for you, he cannot love you as much as he says.
He should not be spending the night at her house by himself and if she is the closest person to him, frankly that's a red flag that you don't stand a chance!!
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