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female
age
41-50,
*rish909
writes: Hi, I have been w/ my bf for 6 yrs, lived together for 4. We had our ups and downs, but we are good.I really can't see myself w/ anyone else, except his best friend. I known his friend before I met him and he hooked us up. His friend confessed to me last year on my birthday that he has liked me since he first saw me. I felt the same way. We have now been together on the low for a year and it is great. However I do love my bf, but I now think I love his friend too. I think and dream about him all the time and he says he does the same. Their personalites are so much alike, it is uncanny. But I am more physically attracted to the friend. He is also more funnier and so sweet. Even if I was to break up with my bf, I still can't be with his friend like I want to. Our friends and family will never forgive us for hooking up. And to make matters worse, my bf is talking to me about marriage and kids. Should I continue to see both of them or let one go? I really don't want to be w/o anyone of them. I hope I am not being selfish, but I really love them both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): After re-reading your post, dear-I will admit I do agree with the other Aunts in saying that....you should never be sneaky and date another guy while still living with your current bf. I suggest you do the hard work of leaving the bf, and then go it on your own for awhile. This will empower you to be strong and more independant. And only then, will you be in a good, healthy position to make your choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): No, I don't think you are being selfish, at all. And no, this is not really a mess, at all. It's quite simple, really. Dating is a selection process to finding the best suitable partner for one's future and now you have to make a decision and choose which man is the one for you. You do this now, not when you are married to the wrong man, with a couple kids, in tow. Ask yourself..which one of these two men can you continuously love with all your heart, for a long time and which one do you see as the perfect partner for you? When you decide that..you have made your choice and you go for it, hun. Now, please tell me why your family and friends would never forgive you for hooking up with this other guy? As for family and friends who may not like your choice...remember, this your 'life' and your 'future' and your 'happiness'. Some people may not agree with your decision but if they really loved and cherished you-they would want you to be with the man who can give you the best life. This is not about them..you are an adult, independant woman who makes her own decisions..you happiness is at stake here...choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): You are doin the most selfish thing anyone can do to a partner!! It was done to me last year by by fiance! Him and my best friend were having an affair for months before I found out and cut ties with both of them forever!!!
I don't think you really understand the hurt and pain you are causing by your actions!!!
Ok turn it around and think if it was your boyf doin the dirt on you with your best friend - how would you feel and react???
Its a no win situation girl!! Your only causing more grief and heartache than anything else...
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 December 2006):
 You say "we're good" What part of "we're " is your boyfriend. You know the answer to this question. You don't love your boyfriend. If you loved him, you would NEVER do the ultimate dirty trick behind his back. Really, look at what you're trying to sell yourself.."I hope I'm not being selfish"...Cut your boyfrind loose and give him the opportunity to be with an honourable woman. He making plans for the future based on your lies and you're making plans behind his back.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Oh honey...everybody gonna hate my answer here...
But....
Can you have both?
The best friend Knows about the other guy.
He's ok with it.
How would your boyfriend feel if you expressed an interest in his best friend.
see I have been there....well honestly that's how i acquired one of my boyfriends. My big scary Harley ridin buddy....is my husbands best friend. I told my husband how much I was attracted to him. It took 11 years of me watching and waiting...and when the opening came. My husband and HE discussed it...laid down the rules of the game to make sure neither one of them would ever be hurt or offended..Then I explained My rules....and we have been very happy for more than 5 years. Now I realise a husband and a couple or three boyfriends is not for everyone.....But it sure beats having to sneak.
Now don't try to be really sly or mysterious...cause then the boyfriend is gonna watch the two of you like a hawk. an easy way to bring it up is...
"wow last night i had this crazy dream...you and I and so and so....were like a threesome and we were all fine with it....isn't that crazy?"
Check his reaction....if he seems at all favorable...you have hope. (if he says its a fantasy of his to see you with his best buddy....you in deeee game...whooo hoooo)
If he goes into a jealous rage....um he's probably not for you anyway. Your like me. You won't be faithful...so you better pick someone who won't either. Because when players marry manoggies(those who believe that sex should only happen with spouse and all relationships should be monogamous)...it will end in war.
Now i am not saying you must do this....it is just a little other world suggestion.
But if you marry this man....I honestly think you should be up front about your inclinations. Lying to people hurts them....and you must be very cool about it if you expect to manage it long term. that is were most cheaters get caught. They are very careful at first but as time goes on....they take bolder chances...and get caught....and it hurts people they love....and then they wonder why they did it in the first place.
The game you play now is dangerous. Men do kill each other over women from time to time....and they also kill the girls who hurt them. And when a person is betrayed by the two people he loves the most....anything can happen.
I don't have an answer about how not to loose them....but weirder stuff has happened. Check the water first...before you decide what to do. You may find that you boyfriend may think the whole thing a fantastic idea...(guys are more open about this than girls usually) And what you think is a problem...will be a non issue. on the other hand...you may learn that you will never live up to your young mans standards and really should move on anyway. End peacefully if you must....don't wait for the mess to blow up in your face.
Of course you love them both....do you love them both enough to put them before yourself. Look hard before you decide what your next step should be. I wish you the best luck and all the pretty ponies.
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A
female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Whooah Irish! You say that you and your boyfriend "are good"... but you have been cheating on him for a year. You say you don't want to be selfish... but you want both him and his best friend. And you think a solution - if you can't keep both - might be to quietly "let one of them go"?
Step back for a moment... and wonder what you really are doing against your boyfriend. Just jump into his shoes for a little while and think. You are cheating on him. With his best friend. And listening, smiling, as he talks about the future. You think it might be best to leave him, but are worried (for your own sake alone) that you will end up with neither of them.
You've got in a mess. You've gone wrong to be where you are. It's time to really not be selfish and work out what the right thing to do is. You may end up in a bad situation, for a little while, alone for a little while, maybe, maybe not, but you can at least preserve some of your integrity.
I challenge you to put this right yourself!
-Sally
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