| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, I've got a problem that has always been there but not bothered me until now. Well my parents have always favoured my brothers over me and over time it became second nature that I would take a backseat. It's only small things, like they would go to watch my brothers play sports and never come to watch me dance. My brothers got pocket money and I had to work for my money I had to pay weekly board, my brothers never. wWhen I passed my driving test and my parents bought me a car for my birthday, I got pregnant (with my fiance of 3 years and we are happy) and they took it off me and bought my brother a car for nothing. Those are some of the small things that irritated me but it gets worse. My parents would take my brothers out on day trips and when I asked could I go they said there wasnt enough room for me even though there was. Since I've been very young I knew that I was the biggest mistake of their lives as they where only 17 and 18 years old when they had me, but that wasn't my fault. It bothers me now that I am pregnant and my baby wasn't planned but I couldn't imagine letting her know she was a mistake. When she's older I'm going to tell her she was planned and make her feel like shes the best thing that ever happend to us, because she is. I know my parents don't love me because when they found out I was pregnant they kicked me out with nowhere to go. The only person who loves me is my fiance and I feel really sad about that. I have no self esteem no confidence and I basically hate myself. I don't want how I see myself to rub off on my child. She is the most important thing to me and I don't want her to feel one ounce of sadness her whole life. How can I overcome this? Thank you all for any advice and thank you for reading my problem xx
View related questions:
confidence, fiance, money, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xixi +, writes (14 October 2005):
I know what it’s like to suffer from low self-esteem from lack of care from a parent. I’m sorry you have gone through your whole childhood like that. It’s so hard when people you depend on, who are supposed to love you unconditionally, don’t care about you as much as your brothers, and you’re left to fend for yourself emotionally. At least you have a fiancé to lean on and find comfort from, and soon you will have a new life to care for. Because of what you’ve gone through, I’m sure you will be a wonderful, caring mother to your child. I would only be concerned about loving your child too much, to overcompensate for the lack of affection in your own childhood.
As for yourself, I think the best thing to do for now, is to break off ties with your parents and just focus on loving yourself, your fiancé and your soon-to-be child. If your parents don’t value you, then you shouldn’t value them. Don’t let them be a part of your child’s life. Maybe after years have passed, your parents may come around and realize the errors of their ways. At some point, when you’re ready, you should discuss your feelings with them, and how they’ve made you feel over the years. They might deny any wrong-doing on their part. But at least you can get those feelings off your chest and get on with the rest of your life and your new family’s lives.
(BTW, I don’t think it was a mistake for you to get pregnant before your marriage. Sometimes that happens, but it all turns out well in the end. I don’t think it’s such a terrible taboo these days. There’s nothing you should feel guilty about.)
It takes time to build up your self-esteem and self-confidence after years of erosion. In the meantime, there are a lot of good books on self-confidence/self-esteem in the public library, which I used (I actually don’t recommend Dr. Phil, he can be a bit pompous!). Look through several different books, even the older ones can be quite good, and get a range of different approaches and opinions. There are ones especially for women. You may find something that really suits you. I don’t think you need to seek professional help. I never did. You sound fairly well-balanced of mind, so I don’t think you’re too far off for self-help.
We all get wiser with age, and eventually your parents may find the truth and try to reconnect with you again. Nobody is perfect, and neither are your parents. You have to forgive them for making mistakes in raising you. That’s part of the healing process. First you allow yourself to be angry with them for the unjust, unloving things they did to you, then let that anger subside, and move towards forgiveness, which will help to heal you.
Keep telling yourself that your parents’ opinion of you doesn’t matter, only yours does, and you deserve love as much as anyone else on the planet! And remember that none of it was ever your fault! Everything happens for a reason. You are as much a life lesson for your parents as your parents serve as a life lesson to you, except that your parents made the wrong choice in how to raise you. Learn from the bad experiences and turn them into positives for yourself and for others. Best wishes and lots of hugs!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): Hi I feel for your situation because Nobody should be treated unfair. I agree with the above answer from pops. When you feel down all you have to say is "I AM SOMEBODY" "I AM SOMEBODY". Because you are somebody, even though your parents made you feel like you were nothing. You are somebody in this world. You have a place in this world. Most importantly you really don't want your hateful parents around your kid or taking your kid anywhere, they are negative to you and will be more negative to your child. That would be the worst thing you could do, trust me.
I strongly advise getting counseling ASAP because you can most certainly pass your emotions down to your child. You should try listening to DR. Drew and Adam at night about 11:00pacific/10:00central on their radio station or their website in addition to counseling. Also try Dr. Phil Self matters, I've read that book and it really helps. Hope this message helps. Good Luck!!
...............................
A
reader, pops +, writes (14 October 2005):
I don't see the connection. Because your parents are jerks, and don't value you, you hate yourself? Stop trying to please them. Get away from home. Get away from them. This kind of emotional abuse is common, although not for the same reasons you describe. Are you by chance oriental? In China, and some other asian countries, daughters are seen as less desireable, because the family has to pay such a high dowery to find someone to marry the daughter. Some oriental families carry that same attitude with them to western culture, both in America, and elsewhere. Its wrong here, and its wrong in Asia. You have the right attitude about how to raise your daughter. Now get your head right about yourself. Walk with your head high, and shoulders back. It will help you breathe better, look better, even when you are pregnant, and you will feel better. Talk to that mirror each morning and tell her how lucky the world is to have her. I am serious about these exercises. They help. And, see a counselor about your self esteem issues. Obviously you have a bf who thinks the world of you. He is standing by you even during your pregancy. Ask him what your best character traits are? What your best features are? Then leave your family in the dust. They don't deserve you, and your younger brothers will soon learn what jerks your parents are for the differential treatment given them. They will suppport you, and see you away from your parents to tell you. Don't expect to ever please your mother, or father. It is a waste of your time and effort. You have spent too much of your life trying to please them, and have found nothing. Getting pregnant before marriage was not the brightest thing you have done, but maybe you wanted to get pregnant to have an excuse to get away from them. You are a lot better than you obviously think. Hang in there, and good luck with the new family.
...............................
A
male
reader, pdude +, writes (13 October 2005):
Sometimes, children can't get the kind of love and affection they deserve and want from their parents. Mainly because parents are not always perfect and they sometimes can't give same amount of attention to every child of theirs.
I have an elder brother and we are only two sons of our parents. I have faced this discrimination quite so many times in my life that i have almost convinced myself that i was an unwanted child. My parents said, they aborted twice before i was born. This makes me feel further down. I have started to look at it like this: Parents have their needs as well from having children and once they get satisfied with it, they don't care much about other things. I have personally observed this like my parents were so excited about getting my brother married but when now it is time for me, they just treat me like any ordinary person who they know for long. Also now they are excited about my elder brother having his own kid. All this is very depressing for me as i have been so much considerate to them and rarely allowed them to complain. In the end, nothing can be changed no matter how much i would try to please them. It is human nature. It is only for the support of some of my friends that i am able to keep going. I think you are lucky to have a nice partner. It is worth appreciating your time and moments of life with him. You can't undo what happens to you for a fault that is not yours. But you can live with what you have and give meaning to it.
...............................
|
