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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid, a couple of yrs ago, I began working with someone who I was attracted to, but we resisted doing anything for a year as our siuations were very complicated, he lives with the mother of his two children and claims to only be there because of the children. My partner was also the manager in our workplace.Tthen we began working together more and our job requires us to work together alone. After months of hesitation, indecision and flirting we finally went out together and discovered we liked each other a lot more than we thought, and began sleeping together and developed feelings for each other. It was very special between us and very quickly he was talking about falling in love and being committed to me, but that he was very frightened of hurting me and himself and letting me down, due to a previous relationship he had that he wrecked and ended up taking antidepressents for. A few months later we were caught out by my partner which resulted in my lover resigning and the break up of my relationship with my partner. Since then I have met up with my lover several times, we agreed to be friends and just sleep together but that became to difficult as there is feeling between us. All he has done in the past few months is keep changing his mind about whether he wants to take things further and sometimes ignores me for days. All I have had recently is "I do feel something for you, I just think that with my defensiveness we would keep going round in circles" and "The main reason that I think we should be friends is that there are too many complications in our situation and I can see no way to permanently resolve them". I know he feels for me, I have said everything I can to try and make him realise how special it is between us, how serious I am and that I wouldn't let him down. I am very frustrated and angry with him and find myself going on at him which makes things worse and him more doubtful. I would love to be friends with him,like he has suggested, but I can't pretend, when I know what's between us and the potential,I want more. What should I do ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): I want to be friends but im finding it hard to forgive him and stop being mad as he wont talk about it and thinks giving me a one line explanation for the months of emotional torture he has put me through is enough...and im meant to say thats great,everythings fine now! It feels like a personal rejection as he has changed his mind so many times, everytime he sees me, he wants to give it a go, then changes his mind again after. I completly understand about his kids but he has left home before for a few years for the other woman I mentioned and then the mother of his kids allowed him to come home. Intially I didnt want anything to do with him cos of his circumstances, but he went on and on at me for months and in the end it was feeling sorry for him that did it, he got out his violin, he said what a low self esteem he had, how he had nothing in his life apart from his kids and had wasted his life, I just wanted to make him feel good about himself, I felt like I wanted to nurture him. I guess I was pretty naive. All the things he has said like "how deeply should I fall for you" makes my blood boil. I just feel he pressured me into it and now he has done this.
A
reader, pops +, writes (14 October 2005):
Move on. Seriously, you have to admire a man who is committed to his children even when his relationship with their mother is dead. He is being responsible. He's the kind of guy you wish you met before he had his two children. If you did, you both would be happier. But you can't erase facts. He does have his two children, and he does love them, and you cannot get between him and his kids. He has made his choice, and knows it has caused you pain. Obviously he would like to have his cake and eat it too. That is why he wants to remain friends. If you stay friends long enough, his kids will grow up, and go out on their own, and then he can afford to have a closer relationship with you.
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