A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Earlier this year, I had a chance to lose my virginity with someone I was seeing.But once we were naked, and I was about to insert my penis, I just couldn't..i lost all confidence, and didnt have the guts to go in.Since then, I've thought about it lots, and am not sure if I'm just not ready for sex, if I'm gay, if it's cuz she was 7 years older than me, or if it was only guilt as she was with another man as well.But I'm now seeing someone else, she knows all this, she's also a virgin, and we dont know if we'll be able to do it now.She's suggested being drunk for it, so I'm not thinking too much, but I want my first time to be sober and more meaningful.But she's said if I fail, she probably wont want to try again, so I only have one shot.So what does my backing-out mean? Any suggestions helpful
View related questions:
confidence, drunk, my penis, ready for sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your opinions. I should point out, I may have phrased her feelings wrong. Although she did say that, we had been talking for a while before about it, and she had said she wouldn't leave me if i didnt.
She just meant for the time, and it'd be a while til she could try again. We do both love each other, and have been togehter for nearly 4 months now.
This other girl, I wouldnt say I loved her, but I did care a lot about her. And well she probably didnt love me.
Thanks for the gay/straight clarification, i'm attracted to women, and the gay idea was only in the back of my mind.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 November 2009):
 Well to start the girl you are seeing is not helping by making you feel like you only have 1 chance! That will make you even more nervous! If she is saying things like that to you then she is not the sort of person you want to be losing your virginity to, in fact I would just get rid of her now! It is not a good sign for the future if she is happy to put so much pressure on someone in such an important situation, she clearly doesnt care for you very much I'm afraid if she would say something like that.
Its like she is saying "you have one chance to impress me and if you dont, I'm gone". Is that really the sort of person you want your first time to be with? Surely your first time should be with someone who you are in love with, who you feel completely comfortable around and someone you have been in a relationship with for a while.
Often your first time can be uncomfortable and there are a variety of reasons. My first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to had tried to have sex with 1 girl in the past but like you, it didnt go very well and just couldnt "get it in" so to speak. But when it came for me and him to try (after 6 months of being in a relationship) it felt natural for both of us - it just felt right. And the reason for that was because we loved each other very much and really felt like having sex was a natural progression of our relationship, rather than thinking sex was something we had to do.
So with this girl that you tried to have sex with, did you love her? Did she love you? To be honest if she was with another man then the chances are you were not in a relationship together and you didnt love each other.
Your first time will never feel right or go well unless both you and the other person love each other and really care about each other. The longer you are with someone the more you get to know them, your feelings intensify for that person, you feel comfortable around them....then sex (after a few months of dating) will feel right.
About the being gay part - the chances are you are not gay just because you got scared and backed out of having sex. Ask yourself this - are you attracted to men or women? Who do you fantasise about sexually, men or women? We cant tell you on this site whether you are gay or not, this is something you will only know yourself. Only you know yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. You should be able to work out yourself which sex you are attracted to. It might even be that you are attracted to both sexes, in which case you would be bi-sexual and there is nothing wrong with that. But it still doesnt really explain the experience you had with that other girl.
I honestly think the reason behind you backing out from sex that time was because it was your body/mind's way of telling you that this experience should be special, not with someone you dont love and someone you are not in a relationship with.
I suggest you leave this girl you are seeing as she is not the right girl for you to lose your virginity to. Find a nice girl (or guy if that is what you feel is right), someone who you really care about and see yourself falling for. Then just enjoy being in a relationship with them, enjoy spending time with someone you really have strong feelings for. Then you will know when the time is right for sex - it will feel natural and you will know deep down that it is the right time to lose your virginity. Once you have a close connection with someone then you will find it all feels much more natural and you will have so much more confidence with them sexually.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Mate, its not your fault. Its called performance anxiety. We all have it from time to time. But if your current girlfriend have given you an ultimatum, it will add more to the stress, reducing your chances to perform, so I suggest you either sit down with her and have a chat or just move on! Feel free to play the field, explore your sexuality, you are still young!
...............................
|
