A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm ready to settle down in my life and get married. I have been seeing this girl she's a little younger than me six years. She's beautiful and sweet but very shy.I'm more of the outgoing type. She loves kids and would do anything I ask of her. I know she has had a hard life when it comes to men. She told me she had been raped by an ex boyfriend and goes to a Psychologist. I feel bad for her and don't force her to have sex. She does however have sex with me and seems to be fine with it. I want to ask her to marry me but she is not the independent type, lives with her parents does not have a lot of friends, does not have a good job and does not own a car. I'm scared if I marry her and have a baby it will be like I have two babies to take care of. She needs someone to take care of her and I need someone to take care of themself and my child. I realy like this girl and don't want to hurt her. Should I ask her to marry me or find someone more independent? If I lose this girl I might not find someone agian like her. I had a girl leave me cause I didn't want to get married, I just was not ready.Now I am ready I realize there is no such thing as the perfect women but I need a women that I don't have to constantly worry about. Should I marry her or move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): One of your concerns is she is not completely cured from her painful experience, is it? I will agree that a healthy and peaceful state of mind make good premises for parenting. As you say, she is attending counseling, how therapy assists is very complex a treatment and she should be able to feel the beneficence IN and OUTSIDE of these sessions, in due time. You should maybe talk to a specialist as well to be reassured of the healing process, its implications and utility and how to observe her recovery and aptness to care for herself and others. Her being fragile could be signs she is still dealing with the trauma, could be her natural self or a result of her parents being overprotective, preventing her to experience life by excessive care and attending. Independency can be acquired and if you reach the conclusion she is in a SAFE AREA as regards the negativeness and hindrance brought by lesive experiences, you could follow Country Woman's advice of living together, share the housing and reevaluate your compatibility - only if the relationship deserves the progression. It would help if you learn to communicate priorly though at a (close to) ideal level, that implying her to drop her shyness, little by little, and open up to you. Open up with each other actually, for her to realise it's reciprocal. Then you will feel closer and you will know more what to expect of her. You will need to spend time with her doing an array of different things, attract her into matters of your interest and find confidence in the maturity of her opinions, which does not necessarily conflict with timidity (she could be far from a socialite, however have healthy opinions and able to deal well with different situations), even in the small things she does around the house and her willingness. It might take much patience though. All the best in what you decide.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): So what use are you? You want a wife who can take care of herself and your kid. Mmmm, read your own sentence again and ask yourselve, what would that woman need you for?Note how you do not say YOU will take care of the kid. What exactly do you think marriage is?What would you do if you married an independent woman and she got seriously ill and needed constant care? Take off? Would a woman who has a kid with you and you suffer a stroke and need care be allowed to pull the plug on you because she already has someone who needs his ass wiped?Read the marriage vows and ask yourselve, do you understand what they mean?Marriage IS a union of two people, often of different personalities, who decide to share the rest of their life together. Feeling that you need to take care of her as a baby, geez god, that poor girl has to get out of there NOW! Either you think incredibly low of her or you have no idea just how much care a baby requires. Furthermore, being shy means nothing as to her future capacity to raise a child. It sounds like she is unsure of herself, in the right relationship with a REAL man, she would most likely blossom, aren't you the one who is keeping her down?You after all were attracted to this shy girl, if you want an independent woman, why did you go after this one? Examine your ego, don't you secretly wish her to remain dependent on you, but are equally unwilling to actually perform this role?Either end it, or marry her, because right now you sound like someone who wants it both ways.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I say give her time. Is she going to school?
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 My god marry her or move on, that is quite drastic, how long have you been with this girl btw?
The word LOVE never seems to come into your text at all and that is the main basis for anyone wanting to marry someone surely.
So this girl loves children, how would things be with this girl if you perhaps suggested living together without getting married, have you ever lived with someone before or not?
I don't know if her parents would approve but I think there comes a time in everyone's life that you have to make the move from home comforts and living with mum and dad, if you are serious enough to discuss marriage then living together is a step closer to that goal or not as the case may be.
We don't live in the dark ages anymore and my dad bless him when he was alive was so against living together and I went against the grain because I wanted to live with my now ex and I had only just turned 21 and I was the baby as I had a sister who was 3 years older than me. I didn't hide anything and we lived together for almost 20 years and I have a 7 year old daughter from that relationship. I don't regret one minute of it but I would have loved to have got married, my ex was anti marriage but I think if you truly want children one day then having the independence of living together is a true test of that even if it is only for 6/12 months or something, how can you tell unless you live under the same roof together whether you are compatible.
BTW my dad only stopped talking to my ex for a while even though he said if you leave you can't come back when I shocked my parents that all my belongings were in my car and I was leaving, my dad never meant a word of it but didn't want me to go. Believe me if you love your children then you are always there for them no matter what.
The old saying is that the first year of marriage is the hardest and never being married cannot qualify me, however I think that if you live together and get through the ups and downs of just being under the same roof and whether he or she leaves the toothpaste top off or leaves the toilet seat up tests anyone. If you constantly argue or things are not right then you know that you are not right to marry that person.
Don't sit on the fence make some sort of decision here, talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you truly feel as she could be as confused as you are. Seems to me that you are not talking together about what is important to you both.
Sound her out and truly ask yourself whether you feel ready for this committment, marriage, children or living together with a woman - any woman. Ask yourself why you were attracted to this girl/woman in the first place? Did you feel something special or did it just happen?
Wish you luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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