A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok I have a huge problem!My girlfriend is pregnant, we are both 16 and have both been responsible. I have no idea how it happened as we had thought about it before and she was on the pill and I wore a condom which didn't rip or anything.An abortion is obviously the right thing to do in this situation as we both have our exams soon and the rest of our lives ahead of us. Here's the problem, my girlfriend seems to want to keep the baby. Although I keep making her see sense she keeps changing her mind!She has told her aunty who has booked her in however I'm worried about what she will say to the doctor and whether the doctor will not allow an abortion. Will the doctor listen to anything I say? Please help I feel dizzy all the time and sick and can't believe this has happened. Also what happens at the first appointment? and how much longer does it take before it's gone?Thanks a lot in advance.
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female
reader, ali20 +, writes (12 April 2009):
hi i would just like to say that if she wants her baby that is her decision, please dont force her into anything she doesn't want to do. this happened to me i had an abortion for my boyfriend and he dumped me and went off with someone else anyway!!i don't think a boy really understands the feelings a girl can have when she is pregnant. it was the worst mistake of my life having an abortion ( i had it 14 months ago) and im still paying for it now. im on anti depressants and see a psychiatrist. honestly let your girlfriend decide, i know it took two of you to make the baby but at the end of the day shes the one carrying it. pushing her to do something that she doesn't want to do will only make her resent you and might push her away anyway.
A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx  +, writes (6 April 2009):
to anonymous female.
excuse me?! I am not hysterical. I just find it wrong that he wants her to have an abortion when she doesn't want to for herself. I also find it sad that this poor girl is willing to do something like this against her own judgment just for a boy. I just don't think anyone should have to go through what I went through. My situation is similar to that of his girlfriend's. The fact that you decided to have an abortion for YOU is completely different. An abortion is only the right decision if the mother feels it is so.
Now as far as the name calling goes. Where do you get off saying I'm "near-illiterate"? You know nothing about me. I have a genius IQ && graduated with a 4.0 average [that includes my grade in biology which was of course a 4.0]. I am also a very successful and well known singer/songwriter in my area, and have been offered a recording contract with a record label. And no, I don't see it as a virtue that I am suicidal and depressed. It is an illness caused by being pressured into something I felt was wrong. It's something I take shame in, not pride. And as far as being a teen-mother, yes I'm technically a teenager. But I'm also an adult. I have the right to vote, don't I? I'll be 19 when my "darling baby" is born. [by the way, NEVER use sarcasm when speaking of someone's child. that's a very hurtful and cruel thing to do] Yes, it's young, but like I said, you don't know anything about me. You are by far the most ignorant poster I've seen on this sight. I'm sick. Very sick. I have to have a hysterectomy in December, or I can die, and this is my last chance to be a mother. Then only reason I'm telling you this is so you can see that you don't know as much as you think. You most likely are too stubborn and insolent to apologize, So I expect nothing.
I don't think he'll listen to me or let what I say change his opinions. But I do have a right to stand up for my beliefs. If his girlfriend didn't have doubts, then I would say ok, it's for the best. but it's HER body. Not his.
To the original poster-
please consider what I have to say. I do know what you girlfriend is going through and I can offer assistance of any kind. I just want to help you both out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): in some situations abortion is the best solution. there are much more wrongs in this world than having an abortion. you have the rest of your life as well as your g/f.sometimes us women get too emotional and we try to do the right "thing", later on we actaully look upon the unwanted child as a "burden" and although we do not intentionally mean it, we actaully make that child's life miserable.so i am hoping that the g/f goes through ths. BUT, please show her enough warmth, love and understanding. her emotions are attached her, she is also wanting to do the right thing. she needs to know that she is not a bad person, that she is doing the best for that child. perhaps some conselling after the abortion as well so that she doesn't end up depressed and blaming herself.you see very responsible for your age, so you hold the key to her emotional well being right now as well. so please be there for her and help her through this. please do not abondon her and make her feel guilty. support her, love her and COMMUNICATE with her. It doesn't end with the abortion, you will have to help and guide her for the next few months (years???) as she comes to terms with what ddhe did.Good luck. TOGETHER YOU BOTH CAN WORK THROUGH THIS. BE HER ROCK, HER PROTECTOR, HER CONFIDANT. AND LOVE HER, TOTALLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY. SHE NEEDS IT.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): kissxmexagainx is being hysterical. It's obvious to see where her prejudices lie. Both you and your girlfriend are responsible here and you shouldn't let this poster sway you with her histrionics. I had an abortion and it was the best decision I ever made. But anecdotes mean nothing here, if YOU feel like YOU cannot have a kid now, don't let these people make you feel like a cold hearted killer for that.
Seriously some people need to wise up. kissxmexagainx thinks that being a near-illiterate teen mother who would kill herself if it wasn't for her darling baby is somehow a virtue. Maybe she missed the biology class where they explain that it takes TWO people to make a baby?
I know I'm being harsh, but the fact that you used protection the first time round was an indication that you didn't want kids. It's probably best for you both. I hope she goes through with it.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (2 April 2009):
OH MY GOD! I just read your response where you said she's doing it for you????????? that's terrible. how would you be able to live with yourself?? so she's giving the baby up because YOU can't have a kid right now. you. not her. not even you && her. so if you were ok with it she would keep it? my god. I don't know how you could sleep at noght. I feel bad for the poor girl, && the fact that you have so much control over her. I hope to god she tells the dr. that she's only doing it for you so that he won't do it.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (2 April 2009):
Ok, I'm going to be completely honest with you here. If she is having doubts about having an abortion than she shouldn't do it. I know it will be hard to deal with, but if she does this, it will destroy her for the rest of her life. If you really love her than don't try to convince her to do it. let me tell you a story.
when I was 16 years old I got pregnant. I felt I was far too young && couldn't handle it. My boyfriend at the time told me I ad to get an abortion && at the time I aggreed. but as time went on, I felt that it was wrong && that I didn't want to take the life of someone who never hurt anyone. [&& no matter what people say, yes, it is a life, it is a human being] my boyfriend told me I had no choice && that he couldn't be with me if I had the baby. so I gave it up. after it happened I became extremely depressed && regretfull. I attempted suicide 3 times && after a while ended things with my bf && kept to myself. I started drinking constantly && popping pills. eventually I started dating my current bf who I love dearly. but let me tell you this. I'm older now, && I'm 6 months pregnant && couldn't be happier about that. but every day I regret what I did. I feel so much guilt like I am a murderer. && to tell you the honest truth, I would kill myself right now if it wasn't for this baby. he's the only thing keeping me alive.
trust me, even if she has the smallest doubts, she shouldn't do it. the guilt is overwhelming. && you chose to have sex which there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy. It's her decision not yours. you need to let her descide for herself && don't try to convince her to do it if she's not sure. you may not regret it all that much, but she will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Its a hard time in ur life but i really dont think you should push her in to anything. I know you have been carful but i got pregnant on the pill and its the risk you have to take when you decide to have sex. Life isnt the same with a child no, but you can adapt and get lots of support. If she goes and says you want the abortion not her then no they will not let her go ahead with it. The first thing they discuss with you is if your sure you want to go throu with it, and also see how far gone she is. Then discuss the ways of doing the termination eg operation or pill and it really can be a tough time especially if you dont really want to do it.Please dont make the decission for her or force her into anything, tell her your concerns but ask her thoughts on it and tel her you will support her no matter what.Good luck and I hope this has helped you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Here we go. Whenever a teenage father wants an abortion, that means he doesn't care about the mother, doesn't understand or care that there might be any emotional issues involved, and doesn't care about doing what's best for anyone but himself. Please check your stereotypes at the door, people.
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A
female
reader, bOy CrAzY;} +, writes (2 April 2009):
An abortion is a very hard decision to make for a girl! So if she wants to keep it don't make her get one!! I mean some girls don't have the heart to do it! Like me for instance I could never do that so just leave her alone to decide! And don't push her! Good luck to ya both love!!;)
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A
female
reader, Mummy08 +, writes (2 April 2009):
 If your partner says to the doctor im doing it for him then no he will not allow her to do it, its a big decision for any woman especially at 16 and you shouldn't let her do it for you it should be her decision i would suggest a break with no contact for a few days let her decide alone i know its unfair on you but it would be unfair on her if she does it just to please you let her decide and give her some space whatever she decides its not the end of the world you can then decide what you want to do with regards to seeing the child
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Thanks for your replies.
she has said that because I truly don't want a child, she will get rid of it however I'm worried about what she'll say to the doctor. If she said it was because of me would he still let her have the abortion?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): The prospect of having a child is very daunting and scary.
i think that you are thinking about this very selfishly have you tried seeing things from her point of veiw? as a woman she is naturally maternal and the thought of an abortion is a very scary one she maybe thinking on one hand im so young but i just couldnt forgive myself for (as she would see it) killing my unborn child on the other hand she's proberbly very scared about the procedure its going to be painful and may cause problems for her in the future also she will be very emotional afterwards for some time its not a nice process thats why the doctors need to make sure she is mentally stable to handle this and at 16 just before exams i just cant imagine what she is going through and if she does agree to have one are you prepared to give her support afterwards as this was your doing aswell?
ultimatly it is her decision and she shouldnt be told what to do not by you or anyone nor should she be made to feel guilty for ruining your life ask yourself this if she had the abortion and regretted it or complications meant that she couldnt have another child how would you feel and if the answers i dont care then you should really think about not having sex until you become a man.
my advice to you is that you should not sway her decision in any way let her decide that way she wont blame you as much cos believe me she will blame you for wanting the abortion. also be kind to her and if she does have the child support her you do not have to be with her to do this. remember as much as you want this abortion she has to go through a horrible process not you.
hope this helps
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A
female
reader, keepitreal03  +, writes (2 April 2009):
It depends on how far along she is. If she is a few weeks less then a month they will give her a pill and she will bleed like have a period for like 2 weeks. And the doctor will not listen to u. Its whatever she wants to do. And if u used a condom and she was on the pill my next question is did she have sex with anybody else?? Did u wear a condom the whole time? Like never went inside raw? Because if u went in but put a condom on when u nut she still could be pregnat..... And if she wants to keep it u have a problem u could be a dad. I wish u luck but it sucks because ur young. I have never been pregnat but many friends have and its hard. I know some girls think its cute to have kids and its hard!!! U need to know u can't trust girls saying they take there pill because girls lie!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): This is tough one.
When you first had sex, were you & she in clear agreement that any accidental preganacy would be aborted if it happened?
If this is the case, then I think she owes it to you not to change her mind now. This affects her, but not only her. You're 50% of the parents too.
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A
female
reader, chazx +, writes (2 April 2009):
 You shouldn't expect her to get rid of it if she wants it. Sadly the choice has nothing to do with you even though you are the father as it's her body. Be there for her and everything will be okay. Stand by her whatever happens. My friend had a baby at 14 and I had a baby at 17 and our lives carried on and we both did our exams etc.If you need me email me x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Well unfortunately it is your girlfriend's choice. You may know she's making the wrong decision, maybe even she knows, but it still comes down to what she decides. I know this is unfair.
You need to have a BIG discussion with your girlfriend. It takes two people to make a baby, but if you decide you don't want one right now and she does, then she cannot expect you to take that burden financially and emotionally later.
I really feel for you, especially if it was a mistake. But you need to really talk about this with her NOW. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you do not want a child now, that you cannot and are unwilling to support it, and cannot deal with it emotionally. If she disregards this, I would suggest you seriously consider your relationship with her. The fact you used contraception is an unspoken agreement that you of course don't want kids.
For the future, when you get serious with a girl, make sure you get her views on abortion, whether she wants to be a mother etc beforehand. Then in situations like this you do not need to hang on tenterhooks.
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