A
female
age
30-35,
*yda1110
writes:This is for the guys......Would you not want to be with a girl because she had been raped because she is in a sense "used"?? I have a hard time deciding whether i should tell people this because I'm scared they'll think badly of me......... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ayda1110 +, writes (15 April 2008):
Ayda1110 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks for the help guys...........i's touched that i got so many responses that we helpful.....
MUCH LOVE,
AYDA~~~~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): As far as I'm concerned rape is not real sex. It is a grotesque and vile perversion. I wound never consider a woman "used" after that had been done to her.
When it comes to telling others about this I think you should definitely tell the police so the criminal who did this gets put in prison. Other than them I think you should tell only those who you are very close with and who you trust. I would also suggest counseling to help you get through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): I would hate to know that my GF had a promiscuous past, but being raped is a totally different thing to me. I don't see being raped as any kind of sign of bad character. No more than getting held up for your wallet in the street.
You talked about feeling "used" now . . . were you a virgin before being raped, is that it?
I don't think a rape counts for losing virginity. Being violated against your will is not the same thing as choosing to have sex & enjoying it with a partner you picked.
It's true that there are a few guys out there who are concerned that a virgin girl literally still has a hymen. But if you ask me I think those guys are pretty hopeless cases. I understand the thrill of knowing you were a girl's first, but that seems like a dumb way to take it too far. (What's next? Wanting a girl who has never even seen a penis before?) Lots of virgin women don't even have much of a hymen at all anymore by the time they're adults anyway.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 April 2008):
 What you do or happened to you before knowing him is none of his business.
You don't have to tell anyone. This belongs to you only.
If he truly loves you , nothing else ever matters.
You don't have to live with this guilt all your life because it is not your fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): I know I'm a girl, but I just wanted to say that no guy in the right mind would ever think badly of you. I'm not sure what type of guy you're usually into, but if you ever find a guy thinking badly of you because of this dreadful act, then run a million miles from him, because he must have no heart at all. I'd hope anyone you're with would feel so awful about it and want to help you feel better, even though (I'm presuming) it was a while back. You never asked for that to happen, it wasn't of your own fault, it was of the monstrosity of someone else's sick mind. Forcing someone to have sex is one of the worst things you could ever do. I just hope they got the punishment they deserve.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (14 April 2008):
Hi,
Any man who would think badly of you for something you had no control over is not really a man.
No I would not think badly of you and would myself get angry at any man who did. In this life sometimes really bad things happen to really nice people and that seems to be the case here. You are not used or second hand or anything else that is negative.
If I was going out with a woman who had been raped I would NOT expect here to tell me until she felt that the relationship between us was developing seriously. Then I would want her to tell me, just so that I could understand why she sometimes reacted the way she did.
Now I have never been in that position as far as I know of having a girlfriend who had been raped, but I have been in the position of something equally terrible having happened to her. It shocked me when I first was told by her, but it did help me to understand her better. Yes, many years later we broke up and it was not because of that but other reasons. Of course you will understand that I cannot talk about it on this open forum because it is her business and no longer mine. But if you want to message me to talk about this then I can tell you privately and you will realise that I do understand in some way what it would be like for a guy that you tell about your tragedy.
Please be positive about this. Do not go telling all that you meet or even every guy that you date. The only ones that deserve to know at some point are guys that you are developing a serious relationship with as they should have the opportunity to support you and you need to trust any person you are in a relationship with.
Be aware that a guy you tell and who loves you will be angry, but not at you. Part of his anger will come from what has happened and part from a feeling of being helpless to do anything about it.
You take care and do not blame yourself. You can get over this and the experience gives you the opportunity to become more understanding of others problems. Who knows, in the future you may find yourself providing support to other victims of rape and they will be glad for your understanding that could have only come from personal experience.
All the best, and message me if I can help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Hmmm, I don't know what types of guys you are dealing with,
but I nor anybody I know would not think bad of you or think that you are used......
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A
male
reader, madflash +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Hello Ayda,
I'm sorry you had to see the uglier side of men in such a personal way. I don't understand them either even though I'm one of them, but some men are just plain selfish, mean and evil.
There have been times I've wanted to rape a woman I guess. Let me explain. Having dated dozens of women over the years I've been in situations where I've been 'teased' to the point of madness and then was asked to stop for no reason I could understand, especially in my revved up state. But, funny guy that I am, I actually stopped. The fact that it would be against the law to go any further never crossed my mind at the time. I guess I just felt an obligation to listen to a request from my 'intended' lover.
Unfortunately, not only are there guys who don't feel the same about stopping in that situation, there are also some very slimy bastards out there who don't even need to hear the word, "go" to begin with. These violent rapists must kick puppies and pull the legs off of insects for fun. I'm astounded when I hear of how violent some human beings (usually always male in gender) can be to other human beings (usually anyone weaker or at some disadvantage).
Anyway, I'm utterly embarrassed by my gender and I ask for your forgiveness on their part, since I'm certain you won't be asked for that by any of our less thoughtful members.
As for the question you asked, it is a hard one to answer, but I'll try my best. Personally, I would listen to your story of being victimized by one of my 'fellow' males, and I would, more than likely, feel disgusted by his actions, angered to the point of wanting to hunt him down and show him how it feels to be manhandled, and saddened that you had to go through whatever you had to go through. However, my reaction would be tempered by how you wanted me to react. I would simply listen if that's all you wanted, and lend you whatever support I could, from simply being there to listen, all the way up to and including making that bastard pay for his transgression against you!
Unfortunately, once again, all men are different. You may not get a mature reaction with some men. We are a petty, jealous and unpredictable species. I guess in the end all you can do is find a mature, thoughtful and caring man to begin with, someone who would never hold something you were victimized with against you. Once you have found that special person then you will not have to come on here and ask if he would think of you as 'being used'. You will know that he would never think such a thing of you, because you will know he loves and respects you.
That's why the best men are the sensitive, rational thinkers, because they will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need them to be. The men who would think of you as useed aren't worth keeping anyway.
Good luck. I hope this helped.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Hi there,
Let me say first how sad I am to see what has happened to you. Just so you know that most of us guys think that forcing a girl to have sex is a hiddeous crime.
And to answer your question, the answer is no. No, I wouldnt feel that you have been "used". But yes I would want you to tell me, because if I was in love with a girl who had been raped I would want her to know that she can have complete trust in me and also know that I would support her every effort to make sure the person who raped her went to jail.
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