A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Recently a co-worker I'd invited to my house party hit on a man I had just begun dating. I am not sure what happened between them but something started at least because he did go to her house a few times she said when she blurted it out to me a week later at work that he had stood her up the night before feigning innocence that 'she had no idea he and I were dating', Initially I believed her cancelled my next date with the man thinking he was a player. I also told him a resounding NO when he asked if he call me later and telling him it was over ICK! and told her not to worry because I had been hosting the party and had not spent a lot of time with him so I could see how she might not of known. I did add though.... that I was surprised that.... she had made plans with him and had tried seeing him repeatedly the week after the party without mentioning it to me (where the truth would of surfaced) seemed odd. I mean I didn't know this co-worker well but if the tables were turned I would of casually mentioned that I was making plans with one of the guests with my hostess not out of permission sake just out of politeness and also to suss out if it was i.e. was attached to someone or whatever. Instead she said nothing ...and in fact when I reflect on it I think she avoided me at work that week because I recall her rushing to and fro enough that I noticed it was odd lol. ANYHOW.... you think this is the end right NOT .... This co-worker than began stalking me.... I mean literally everywhere endless emails and calls and asking for me to go with her to meet him! I was nice to her but said I had no desire to speak with him end of story. Well.... he sent a few texts asking me if I was alright during this time. After a few weeks of her crazy behavior one day stalking ...the next literally running down a hall to avoid me .... I realized that she must be a bit unstable and I also started to think she made most of this up! Because when I would speak to her she would try really hard to bond with me and yet continually ask if I had spoken with him or seen him etc etc. Also mentioning that she was upset he didn't text her or call her back! She began making me so nervous I just stopped mentioning anything to her about my life outside of work and tried to be really really boring so she'd stop harassing me ... mostly it has worked the numerous emails, texts and visits to my office to get info on this guy have slowed down to a once a month thing now. She continually says they never spoke with one another after she found out ...but from her actions and the contradictions in what she says I think they probably did and it seems that she very much has tried contacting him in many ways since. Eventually this guy and I did see one another and talk he told me that I had nothing to apologize when I told him that perhaps I should of let him explain it then and decided to meet up to talk further . Then he didn't meet me as planned nor did he call so we never had that talk. Again a couple of months later we bumped into one another decided to go to to the beach together and had a great time and then didn't eachother for a couple of months. We definitely are really physically attracted . It is really obvious. SO it confused me that we would meet up have a nice time and then I wouldn't hear from him. Over the holidays he contacted me and we talked about our inability to keep up communication he said that he waited for ages to call and I of course thought he would because he had said he would. We agreed it was alright to call each other and got excited that we both felt a connection. He also mentioned that he has always liked me and especially how we connect without strings attached. I sort of put him in the becoming a friend possibly with benefits category . Which is okay because after a long marriage and divorce I have enjoyed going out and unsure if I want to be serious right now . Now we have started talking almost daily and have dated a few times since the holidays. The awkward part is we've never really talked about what happened. So since I don't know if he is or was being a player or not I'm reluctant to get too close . And he does text alot etc but now seems to make an effort to explain to me who or why now. He seems happy with getting to know me but curious and a little put off about my dating others as well. When I casually mentioned for example that I was going out what night he seemed bummed and didn't call me for a week. I've continued to date others because I am single but lately I've gotten the impression that he might not be? Soooo... my big question .... neither of us can grow too much closer if we are limited in what we talk about (right now our main topics are work, family and our attraction ). I'd like to know what happened so I could sort out what sort it out in my head good or bad. Also I am still having these strange interactions with cooworker who seems angry for not hearing from him and also very curious about him. I basically don't say anything to her at all about my private life . I am beginning to feel a little guilty about dating others if he is only dating me and it is getting to the point where mentioning a date with someone else to him seems wrong too! HELP lol guess what ... Co-worker just called to casually mention she saw him in a store and he walked right by her! :) . How can we get past this? I'm scared he'll run away if I bring it up and I am now feeling like the player because I'm dating people but not really talking to him about it because it seems to bother him. Can anyone advise a way through this? Thanks
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at work, co-worker, divorce, no desire, player, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate- The relationship went on for a bit but ended when he moved away or so I thought. He got back with an ex girlfriend in his country who harassed me for 3 mons with texts and phone calls also I found out she harassed other women here , so he was definitely a player, the weird thing is he seemed to give this ex all of the contact info for his previous girlfriends. Sick eh? I think he got off on manipulating women against each other. My co-worker is still loopy about it we are friendly but not close and I really feel that although she obviously is and acted crazy he may have instigated and manipulated it for his own enjoyment. He by the way attempted to contact me more than once acting innocent it was sick as he was well aware of his current gf harrassment of others. He seems to date well adjusted women but loves to have one that is possessive and insecure to sic on the others. Very twisted.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Hi there, thanks for your response. You have to try to be honest with yourself. Just sit still and consult with yourself, do you want to be with him, does he fit your idea of what you want in a companion? If not then move on, if you care enough about him, then go from there. Stay in touch and take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Too Sensitive ... your description of they type of men that would do this is a little chilling ... and I have to admit scarily accurate of my ex husband who was according to a couple of counselors a narcissist. He enjoyed causing confusion and having people doubting themselves. SO I am very alert for red flags and you are absolutely right he has avoided speaking of the topic which has caused layers of confusion . And I do notice things like him texsting or being on calls which is one of the reasons it is difficult to let my guard down or get close. The thrill people like that you describe who enjoy controlling and confusing others can be very damaging. I don't know if this guy is like that ... I don't know him well enough to decide but I will keep my eyes open and appreciate very much your advise. Thank you !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Artistry and Autumn Girl thank you both for your replies they were really helpful. Artistry you response sort of mirrors exactly my confusion about now and what to do next. And you are right I do have feelings or I wouldn't care . I do enjoy talking with him we do have a sizzling attraction for each other and perhaps because we both seem nervous about getting serious that adds to the attraction and difficulty communicating with each other as well. I think you are right that if I want to get closer I should be focusing on him and I'm also not sure if that is what I want. I do know that I want to spend more time with him and get more excited about talking to him or seeing him than I do with the other people I am dating who are different ... so I guess I really need to start thinking about those choices you mentioned and speak directly to him as Autumn Girl suggested. Also Autumngirl, I can't say I've ever had to put up a my property sign before but I think with this woman it is going to be necessary if we do decide to date only one another. Thanks for the advise!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding! Your advise is much appreciated and runs the gambit. Honey Pie, I did break it off but we did seem to keep bumping into each other at shops and so on ... and over the first month the thing that confused me was he was apologetic and wanted to speak ( I didn't let him) and she was basically acting just crazy. It was these unexpected reactions that confused me because if he was a player I wouldn't of expected his apologies and text messages asking how I was . And her behavior was plain freaky .... I mean if she wanted to see him the coast was clear ... yet I happened upon her cruising my home one day ( I live very very far across town from her) she went back and forth looking for my car ...and then sped off I was behind her coming up a side street after picking up my daughter so she didn't notice me ...but her actions freaked me out. She was in the parking lot when I arrived on day.... waiting at a lift for me , in the library and so on... would send and email asking a question and then 4 or 5 more in the same hour! It was creepy. I think your assessment about her not caring about my feeling is dead on she would come by repeatedly to see 'how I was' and then ask pointed questions about this guy whether he had contacted me etc or not. He did try to say that she had called him to borrow tools he is in construction then again... to help her buy something to repair a bench and so on so he didn't think it was worth mentioning.... I told him she said they had kissed and he said it was true the second night he went over there there was a kiss goodbye he felt then that things were going to far and left... Sure... not interested... you were disrespectful full stop. Not interested...overtime what he tried to say to me then .. though sounds more plausible because ... of her craziness basically. Instead of acting like a woman who was played she seems really interested in seeing him and I think that is what it is all about with her . I don't know if this makes any difference but he is younger than me early 30's and she is in her late 50's so for me it just didn't dawn on me that anything would be happening when I saw her talking to him a lot at the party and I was more interested in not having problems at work than continuing to date a man who had the bad sense to either hit on or let someone I worked with hit on him in my home and afterwards whilst continuing to plan dates with me ICK! What I didn't expect was all this highschool silliness and ... actually seeing him and being attracted :)
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female
reader, 48years  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Too sensitive is right, BTW. She's not making this stuff up - there REALLY are guys who play like this, and their bedrooms are filled (metaphorically) with the cut up bodies of women (see the french tale of Bluebeard).
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female
reader, 48years +, writes (29 January 2009):
I almost got embroiled in a similar situation: A male asked me to gather info on a gal he was crazy about. Your co-worker may be gathering info for your friend about you as a way to get closer to the guy. The guy may have enlisted her "help' as a way to get info on you and build his ego by realizing that the crazy girl has fallen for him.
(I know it's weird, but the conversations you relate sound soooo familiar.)
Best course of Action: NEVER talk to the crazy girl. Be VERY picky about what sort of behavior you accept from Mr. 2timer. NEVER be afraid of "chasing someone away" - it's impossible to chase a REAL someone away.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (29 January 2009):
He's being manipulative by making you feel guilty about dating others and making you feel like a player for dating others. He does this in subtle ways, but nonetheless the end result is the same, and this is exactly what he is trying to accmplish. In the end he will be getting his way if you stop dating others (before you are ready). He is putting subtle pressure on you. Don't cave in to this. Don't settle down with just him if this is not really what you want. Don't do it b/c you think it's what he wants. Do what you want. There are enough red flags already with this guy that indicate he is the player and he is a manipulator. If he is able to manipulate you into doing what HE wants you to do, which is not necessarily what YOU want to do, then he has found his prey - and you will be his victim now and in the future.
These people come off as quite charming, sincere, romantic, etc. It is just a ploy to get your guard down and to get you where he wants you. They get you to a point where you start to question your own doubts about them, even dismissing them as silly. After all, he treats you so well in so many ways...how could he be capable of such things? Trust me, he is...it's all part of his master game. As time goes on, you will confused much of the time, so you are not sure which end is up, and which way to go any longer. You will start to question yourself, and in the end your self-confidence, judgement, and self-esteem will suffer for it.
He has conveniently avoided talking about an issue which needs to be discussed between the two of you. He has gotten you to a place where you are now afraid to bring it up. This is exactly what he wants. Don't play into this! This is how they operate. If you want to continue seeing him, to set the tone for the future, you need to bring this up with him. Make him accountable for his behavior. See what he has to say. Watch out, he may just try to turn the tables on you. Don't take the blame for anything he's done, if this is what he tries to do.
These people try to hide who they really are. The more you know about them, the less they can remain in control. You will probably often have the sense that there is something disconcerting going on under the radar with him, but you just can't quite put your finger on it. You will probably feel as though there are things you don't know about him, that you have a right to know about him, as time goes on. You have already mentioned it seems you won't be able to grow any closer right now b/c you are limited in what is discussed between the two of you. You are not imagining things - he has a wall up, and he's more than likely not about to let you through it.
I could be way off base here, b/c all I have to go on is what's here in front of me, but I am sensing that this guy is trouble. Please be careful. He's playing games already, and you're not even serious yet.
I think you are wise for not sharing any further personal information with the co-worker. She is not someone to be trusted, and she has her own motives at heart.
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (29 January 2009):
Hi there, You in my opinion should forget about the co-worker crazy lady, he is obviously not interest in her from the information you provide, maybe he did visit her, but anyone being around her for a while would know that she is a bit off the mark. So let her stay where she is. Say nothing to her about him or your life personally, it is not her business. As for him, do not ask him about it, let it go, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. It seems he is a bit reluctant to make a committment of being friends with you , so to speak, perhaps he wants to be sure of you and how you feel about hum. Your conversations need to be a little more direct regarding which way you are going with each other. Feel him out in some way, if he wants the two of you to be exclusive in dating each other, ask him the question, then go from there, Do you like him enough to only date him at this point? Or do you want to date others as well? These things have to be thought out and discussed. You feel bad about mentioning your other dates to him, why? You know it bothers him and you don't want to hurt his feelings, so you care. It takes time to build a relationship, talk to him more so that the two of you get a feel for the other. Leave the other woman out of it, never give another woman free publicity on your time. Build up your self-confidence as well, he is interested in you, but are you seriously interested in him, or do you want him on stand-by, try to be honest with yourself and with him. Take the time to know him and let him get to know you. If you want to date others you should let him know and if he is alright with than then fine. I don't think he will be, but then this is your life, what do you want, make the decision, and work it out with him if you just want to date him without any committement. Then of course he would be free to date others as well, is that what you want? Choices, choices, what would be the best thing for you both? If you really like him, date him only for now, one meal at a time, things could be confusing with multiple folks. Hope this helps you, stay in touch, and be good to yourself. Take care.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Honestly I would dump that guy and end all communications with him. Tell your co-worker that your personal life is off limits for her.
Yes, it's odd that she didn't ask you ( the hostess) about the gu before hitting on him. But what is even more odd is him not telling her HE was there as your "date". RED flag.
The co-worker feels guilty - hence her freaky behavoir, but she also couldnt care less about your feelings. I am guessing she thinks that because you "dumped" him she has a right to persue him and for whatever really weaird reason that you should help her. Say no.
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