A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok, this is strange one. what have i done!! this is even weird and awkward for me to type but... for years ive been really anxious and worried about what happened to me and my sister when we were young. i was about 12 and she about 6. we played 'doctors and nurses' for want of a better phrase and i instigated touching a few times. i didn't think too much of it, naturally i knew it was wrong but it just seemed like childish behaviour and i put it down to a strange pubescent sexual curiosity. as i got older i realised how weird this was and it has really bothered me as i obviously have no intentions or feelings like that - it was just something childish that happened. however because i was so worried about it i thought my sister probably was too and thought maybe i should bring it up a couple of years ago even though i was 23 and she 17. so i just mentioned it and it was really akward and quiet-she then later got really upset and was crying etc and people were wondering what was wrong. i think i made it a hundred times worse. was that the stupidest idea ever?-I forget about it it for a while but then the searing guilt and anxiety comes back and it's impossible to bare - i don't know what to do!? i feel so awful now and how must she feel!!!!?I know i am a dweller and i feel i am ruining my life with thoughts of the past and i am riddled with complexes - i am terrified that i have ruined things for my sister and who knows what complexes or problems i may have created for her?. I love my family more than anything and the thought that i could have done something like this to someone i love so much is crippling. what shall i do? I feel like such an evil person even though i'm really not. i can't keep feeling like this! please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stephanie,jayne +, writes (1 February 2010):
Ok i can see why this is such a big problem for you, you obviously love your sister (the way a brother would) and deeply regret what happened when you were younger.
I think it would help you to read up on Freuds study of "little Hans". It's an indepth study that brings to light some important issues regarding childrens sexual interests. a child is innocent and oblivious to sexual urges and in Freuds study it looks at the way a boy will go through the "Oedipus complex" this meens in simple terms that the main focus of his sexual interest is his mother.
In your case it seems asthough the position of the mother was replaced by your sister. This is believe it or not quite normal child behavour.
You never forced your sister into anything she didnt want to do, and you never actually experienced any sexual feelings for your sister. It really was simple childs play and you were obviously so comfortable around each other that your curiosity got the better of you, but let me stress that at no point did you cause any mental or emotional damage to your sister. Your obviously a caring brother and now that your older and you understand more about sexual urges and what is right and wrong when it comes to sexual practice your mind set is completley differnt and what may have seemed like a game when you were younger is much more serious now your older! your guilt is understandable because your thinking about it as if you did it when you were older. you need to remember that you were children and that it wasnt anything serious! talk to your sister and explane your guilt and apologise, if she gets upset again offer to attend counceling and talk things through with someone so that she can understand what really happened. I hope my advice has helped you get clarity on a few things. xx
A
female
reader, toucan20  +, writes (31 January 2010):
Well, its not like you had sex or anything and at that age you are just going through pueberty so its naturaul to be curious. so if its causeing you burden,(getting religious here! lol) then pray and ask god to forgive you. That always helps me, and i feel so much better later. If God can fogive you(which he always does and always will!) then others should and you should too:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): We've all had our childhood meaningless experiences of touching etc. It's normal experimentation, the mistake you made was to talk about and actually make an issue out of something that wasn't.
Just forget about it, nothing happened it was just some touching that wasn't even nearly sexual.
Like wiping a baby's ass when you change it's nappy, you have to touch its genitals but there's no concept of sexuality in that act at all, the same applies to what happened between you and your sister.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 January 2010):
 I'm finding it very difficult to put things into words at the moment. I don't think you've any idea about the damage you have done with your stupid worrying and your self absorption.
You know little about human sexuality, and very little about how children develop. Not your fault, that's how our society is at the moment. Innocent childhood sexuality is seen as wicked and bad, and children become criminalized or suffer from immense guilt. It's good that our society is now more open, and adults and children can discuss their experiences of sexual abuse, but it is not good to criminalise children or damage their sexuality with horror stories and screams of "abnormality".
Adults need to read more Freud or read some "Johnston and Masters", intellectual studies that show how often "sexual play" between children occurs. It's always been this way, and it will always be this way. It's us adults with our warped minds that look at games of "doctors and nurses" and call this abuse. Children don't think this way, they are sexually more innocent. Sexual activity between children is without knowledge and is often lead by no more than curiosity.
So you feel guilt, well then your a part of the human race. EVERYONE LIES ABOUT SEX, EVERYONE KEEPS SECRETS... many millions of adults have played "doctors and nurses" with their cousins, sisters and brothers. Many millions of adults have experienced homosexual play when they were young, but they don't identify it that way, most of the time they don't remember, and most of the time they have enough sense not to bring it up and label themselves wrongly.
Because you are so self-absorbed, instead of trying to deal with this without hurting others, you only thought of yourself. You didn't think about the harm you would cause to your family. Your sister was 6, probably too young to remember, and if she remembered it's something that she preferred to ignore or not to talk about. Now because you felt driven to stir things up, you have now shaken her world... Your no longer just a brother, nope, your now a paedophile... She must be asking herself, if she could forget a big thing like this, what else has she forgotten. She must now be looking at all the people she loves and trusts, wondering if her father touched her inappropriately, if she was abused and can't remember.
EXACTLY... WHAT COMPLEXES AND PROBLEMS HAVE YOU CREATED IN HER CURRENT WORLD... She was the victim, and it's the victims right to talk or not to talk. (that's if she even remembers at all) NOT ALL RAPE VICTIMS WANT TO TELL, NOT ALL ABUSED CHILDREN WANT THEIR PAEDOPHILE FATHER TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HOME. You were selfish, if you needed to confess you should have found a bloody church and a priest. You didn't think about whether she needed to know such things, no you just thought about yourself and your own selfish needs..
NO it's not alright, she's not glad to know that you are sorry, she doesn't want to remember childhood things, just like some people don't like to remember being a bully or being bullied at school. TO TELL WAS NOT YOUR RIGHT.
Go and find a church, please, go and talk to someone who is expert in forgiveness, that will help remove some of your guilt, because your silly guilt makes you do stupid things.
With the sister... (sigh) You said it was a couple of years ago, when she was 17 (a very vulnerable age when people usually deal with childhood trauma and are seeking to find their own identity) and you was 23... again, you are sitting there masturbating over the guilt that seems to keep you happy. Don't bring it up again, leave that girl alone. If she needs to talk about it she will, but hopefully she'll have forgotten (or tried to pretend you didn't say what you did)
You got too much time on your hands. Instead of beating yourself up for pleasure, why not go and help some people that need it. Go and help at a woman's abuse shelter, go work with the disabled, the old, the elderly and the sick. Go find people who actually need help, listen to their stories of pain and help them smile again. Go do something useful with your time, stop living in the past and make someone present and future happier... That is what I want from you, that would satisfy me and make me believe that you are truly sorry.
PS: I've heard this story before, probably a year ago. I wonder if your the same guy we gave advice to and told him to keep his mouth shut. (sigh)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 January 2010):
 I think you just need to move on. As long as you weren't doing something that was hurting her, you were both children. Much as society likes to pretend it doesn't happen, siblings do educate each other about sexuality, as do friends at that age. So long as it doesn't cross into actually hurting (molesting and rape) I think you need to put it into the category of bad by society, but normal really. I wouldn't have brought it up, but I'd leave it for now unless she brings it up.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 January 2010):
 OK, you know it was wrong. She knows that you're aware it was wrong and that you regret that it happened. The only thing left for you to do is forgive yourself. Once you've managed to do that, it will be easier to treat the incident with the silence your sister wants and needs.
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