A
female
age
36-40,
*ex
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. My best friend is my ex, and his best friend is his ex. Things between me and my ex are completely over, and there is nothing but friendship there. I thought the same thing for my boyfriend and his ex, but since we started dating, his ex would constantly text him, visit him when I wasn't there, call him, and cry and get angry when he would go to visit her (she lives in another state). I recently moved in with him and saw in his IM's that she has been calling me a "place holder" until she wants him back. They talk about how much they miss each other and such. It doesn't seem like there is physical cheating, but it's the textbook definition of "emotional cheating." My boyfriend would lose his mind and all his trust if he knew I went through his computer...but I knew I had something to worry about and I was right. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him...I don't know what to do.
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best friend, his ex, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Kama  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Keep your eye on that boy. Well done!!
A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (6 June 2010):
Good for you! You have the right to know if he is being honest!
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A
female
reader, Jex +, writes (5 June 2010):
Jex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your help. I confronted him about it over dinner yesterday evening. We were both very calm about it. He explained that because the last serious relationship he was in was his ex, he always used her as a backup in case the relationship he was in didn't work out so he wouldn't be alone. He felt terrible and guilty about hurting me and deceiving me. He agreed that his conversatioins with her were out of line, and agreed to end them immediately, as well as speak to her about the cruel things she said about me. He assured me that if he wanted to be with her, he would be, and that it was me he wanted to be with. For now, I do trust and believe him. Let's just hope a few months from now I don't end up "the placeholder."
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (4 June 2010):
Use every trick you can think of to get him to admit to you that you are a place holder. If he doesn't get real with you, leave him, but before you go, tell him you don't want to be a placeholder. Personally, I find that to be more than offensive. Protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Hmmm...she wouldn't be calling you a "place holder" if she wasn't confident that their relationship is definitely over. The fact that he tells her he misses her kinda confirms this.
You should move out. If you want to keep dating him, you can, but don't get too wrapped up in him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Your bf's not giving you the respect you deserve, and visiting and chatting with her behind your back isn't fair to you. Confront him and don't worry about his trust being lost because you went on his computer.. you had your suspicions and investigated, that's great that you found answers. You can give him one chance or leave him, but again, I would go with your gut feeling on that, as well. If you feel very deceived, he might be a very different person than you have been led to believe, and it's not his trust in you that should matter, so much as your trust in him. They seem pretty confident in trying to get along behind your back, so I would have to agree with Vintage64 on her analysis. God bless you, you deserve much more respect and love than what you've been shown so far.
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A
female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (3 June 2010):
Staying longer and expecting that he will love you and eventually stop talking to her ( like that) will only bring you more miseries and cause pain. I would suggest you be strong and just leave him. You don't deserve to go through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Are you going to wait until his ex wants her 'place' back? You might not want to leave but if you leave under your terms it will be a lot easier for you.
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