A
male
age
36-40,
*ifecycle
writes:My girlfriend of just under 3 years broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. She said she just doesn't have "them" feelings for me anymore, she said that she still loves me and cares about me, we were eachothers first loves. We went through something similar about 8 months ago, but got through it, although I now think things were never the same after.Here's my problem. Although im upset, and feel very low, the main issue in my head is that I feel very guilty about the whole thing. I feel like we had a chance of being happy together but I've thrown it away, its breaking me up inside. Im really not sure if its really my fault, or if its just as much hers as mine. I was abit possesive, or at least I made her feel that way, I didnt treat her very nicely for the last few months of the relationship, made excuses not to kiss her sometimes, didnt speak to her very nicely at times and was generally just not nice. Maybe this was because that spark wasnt there anymore for me and I just didnt know how to deal with it? Breaking up with her seemed like a "no option" for me. I am a fiery person, and she was quiet, the combination was that I was usually the one to start arguements, because she bottled things up, and that frustated me, which seemingly made things even worse.When I look back, I treated her very well (I think?) for the first 18 months. I got her flowers and teddies, cards and roses. Always for occasions, but also on random days because I wanted too. I done things like romantic meals, rose petals on bed, roses dotted up the stairs, long love notes in cards, the lot. She never done anything like that for me. She got me cards with very few words in, and a teddy or two on occasions where I think she thought she should. She did improve on stuff like that later in the relationship, but I never knew if that was because I mentioned that she never seemed to make much of an effort. I think my desire to do these romantic things died down and eventually stopped being spontaneous, then just at birthdays, valentines, xmas.Going back a little bit, while I was doing these things... after about 4 weeks of being together, we had a few drinks at a party, and she seemed to be a bit flirty with her ex, kicking over at him and giggling away. I mentioned it later on, she apologied and said she didnt think she was. 2 months after that, she text her ex boyfriend for a good few hours, and when I asked what she'd been upto, she didnt mention it at all. I eventually found out by looking at her phone, as I just knew something wasn't right and couldn't help it. I know that was wrong, but then I was proven right, so not sure how to feel about that one? She then slowly but surely admitted she text him for a while, then it was an hour, then two hours etc.. she maintains to this day that it was only a friendly chat, but then it wasnt only that, it was that she lied, that was the big problem.I think I found it hard to trust what she said after that, and she did lie to me about things after that which didnt help. Even little things that I didnt think really mattered. Slowly but surely I became more insecure and paranoid, and did check up on her sometimes, which I know was wrong.I couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding something from me because the lies I found out about, were only because I found out, she didnt admit to it a while later or anything. She says all the lies she told, I found out about, does that sound like another lie!? She got to the stage where she said she use to lie because if she told me i'd go mad, but is that just an easy excuse for her actions? I didnt go mad the first few times, it just hurt me that she was dishonest and lied to me, I just sat there obviously hurt.She ended up feeling controlled by me, even though I said numerous times that she can do whatever she wanted, just as long as she was honest with me. She said I made her feel guilty about going out, and that I made her feel worthless alot of the time towards the end. It hurts to think I made her feel that way, and I feel guilty about the way I wasnt very nice to her for a few months before she broke up with me and that throughout the relationship I use to be moody and start arguements, sometimes for little or no reason. I admit I did go mad at her at times, and was over the top. It was normally when we'd go mad at eachother, and she'd end up pushing me, and i'd push her onto the bed and then it'd all calm down. There was never any hitting or anything physical like that, it wasnt to that extreme at all. People have told me we just wasnt compatable, and it wasnt meant to be. But I feel like I should've got over the lies and not kept letting them affect us, but then I think how could I when he carried on lying about things, trivial things, it just reminded me all over again?I feel like I shouldn't have been so angry and arguementative, and therefore seemingly controlling and possesive. But then, was that largely to do with the lies and that fact that I felt like I gave so much, and her so little to the relationship?I really dont know how to feel, or what to think about the entire thing, but its really messing with my head because I do feel so horrible. I thought she was "the one" and that we'd be together forever.At the moment I feel like the guilt is never going to leave me, and torment me forever. Anyone that can offer advice or help, I'd greatly appreciate it..thank you so much, lifecycle.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, lifecycle +, writes (14 March 2008):
lifecycle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is absolutely spot on, I never felt secure either but always reassured her when girls use to come on to me, or text me, i'd sit there telling her how much she means to me etc.. I never felt that reassurance back and I feel that led me to be frustated and angry.It wasn't a healthy relationship, the more time that passes, the more I realise I done *a lot* for her and she never really done anything back. Im sure I will soon find a girl who will make me feel secure and special, at the moment it just doesn't feel like I will anytime soon.Thanks for your answer, its a shame your anonymous because I would love to talk more to you, and perhaps help eachother realise that we done all we could, and didnt get enough in return.Take care and hopefully speak to you soon x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hi, I am so so sorry to hear of what is happening to you, because I am a female going through almost the same thing myself. The way I see it, (and this happened to me), your girlfriend "kicking at" and texting her ex, is FLIRTING. You told her how you felt about it, and she CONTINUED this behaviour this is blatantly disrespectful to you and your relationship.My boyfriend of two and a half years did this to me, and we argued about it constantly, he was receiving txt messages, and phone calls (not all the time), from other women. Sometimes in the middle of the night. When I queried this, and yes we argued about it, he hated my jealousy and said they were just friends. I thought that if they were friends, then it should all be out in the open, but no the texts and phone calls became hidden from me. He would then say he didn't tell me (after I'd checked his phone), because he was afraid of my reaction. Blah Blah Blah, and so it went on for two and a half years. If my boyfriend was ever jealous of my behaviour, or worried and insecure I made sure I did everything he could to help him through and reassure him of my love and devotion to him. That was my big mistake, because I offered him the safety of my heart always beloning to him, he felt that he could "shop around", and obtain the ego boost from other sources.I regret my jealousies, and my angry words, but now in retrospect, he did NOTHING, and neither did your girlfriend, to alay my concerns, and in a relationship, everyone wants to feel secure. Your girlfriend had that security with you, and because of this she abused it and your trust and caused you to question her behaviour, and feelings for you.We all react to circumstances differently. I - like yourself regret bitterly my reactions to these occasions, but in the end, my boyfriend ended it and I am absolutely devastated. Guess what - he found someone else. He said he didn't love me anymore. And he hasn't looked back. So much for love. This has left me also guilt ridden and blaming myself and thinking I "drove him" to this. If only I had done it differently? who knows, all I am left with is the fact that it probably would NEVER have worked out, because my love wasn't returned as I beleived it would be. It was not healthy. I don't know how to get over the heartbreak, but I sure understand your pain, and suffering
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Showering girls with gifts doesn't always work the way you want. Of course she likes it. But do it too much & you'll have her thinking that she's got you wrapped around her finger. So instead of her reciporcating you got her thinking that she doesn't need to do anything.
If you felt that insecure with her it's better off being over. Feelin like you gotta check her phone & stuff shows that the relationship isn't good for you either. You'd be stressed out too much.
But for future relationships try not to repeat that jealous behavior. Don't feel vindicated because you caught her in a lie. There will always be small lies to get mad about. If you say "hello" to your ex on the street you'd probably deny it if you thought your partner wouldn't like it. Your girl obviously felt you'd get mad if she told the truth. Simple as that. You getting mad about her chattin with him is the problem. Get a girl who you feel comfortable enough with to allow her to have male friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Hi, I am sorry you are going through this, I recently lost someone I loved too, not by choice, but a few more than dissappointing things happened and he basically dumped me in a fit of emotion.
Unfortuneatly, you are going to drive yourself crazy if you keep rehashing your relationship and what went wrong. The truth is, it takes two, so of course it is not all your fault...you two may have simply been incompatible. You are also very young and may not really have put much thought into what you wanted in a girlfriend, but chose her because she was pretty and nice to you....so take some time to consider what qualities you want in a person to get those happy feelings we all want.
You trying to figure out what is wrong is just your head trying to help your heart and take the pain away...but it is a cheap trick and it doesn't work. If there is one thing you can figure out it is this....you are trying to find a logical reason for and emotional decision and it simply can't be done.
Take what you have learned in this relationship about yourself and take some time to heal...don't jump right into another relationship, take some time to reconnect with family and old friends as I bet a lot of your life and what you used to like to do before you met your girlfriend has sort of gone by the wayside, due to time and energy spent on her....so get back to you, and in time you will feel better and be ready to move on just put one foot in front of the other and get busy.
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A
male
reader, lifecycle +, writes (3 March 2008):
lifecycle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply, although the relationship is over for good, im pretty sure of that unfortunately. I just need to understand why it went the way it did, so I can get over this feeling of guilt, like it was all my fault. I dont feel I can really move on until I sort my own head out.
I've already said sorry to her for hurting her, and having big rows over little things. We did have alot of arguements; far, far too many for a healthy relationship, and it always felt like it was me starting them, or making them worse. She was pretty quiet, although of course she did argue back, it wouldn't have been an arguement otherwise!
We are still on friendly terms, and she told me she really wants me to have a happy life, which to me meant "cya". We still have the odd playful joke with eachother on social sites or text. Oh I dont know. Im so confused about it all... :-(
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A
female
reader, Dyna  +, writes (3 March 2008):
Well we have all been through this and I'm not here to try and fix this as I don't know the full situation, however I can give you a few things to think on.From what you are saying she seems to be the type of person that doesn't show affection much and I can tell this by how you say she was kicking at her ex-boyfriend and giggling (body language is great). In that action she deems him as a friend. She didn't run up to him fix his shirt, kiss on cheek instead she treated him like a brother and kicked out at him. That is her way of showing affection she is not touchy feely type (bear in mind this is off what you had stated).Questioning her every two minutes about why, what, where, how will lead to her lying to you, hell it will lead to anyone lying to you. It's not meant to hurt you as to get you off thier backs by telling you what you want to hear.Towards the end you say you treated her unfairly and I can understand why, not that I condone it. You felt hurt while you were together and wanted to hurt her in return, don't beat yourself up its human nature. However here is an approach you may think to try. Call her one day say " Hey hun, just wanted to make sure you are ok and doing well. I'm sorry for how I had treated you and pushed you away but I do understand why you did what you did" ~~ something to that effect ~~ Anyhow wont keep you on for long just wanted to say that and ask for your forgiveness. Have a good day k hun (If I know women, she will have a lot more respect for you that day and that is what you need to get back first her respect, then trust dont worry the love is there if she had ever felt it.)Please for the love of god the big mistake men do when they call with an apology is start blaming the woman. Even if you think she is wrong save it for the 4th or 5th call not the first. We are bitter creatures hearing of our short comimgs is not making you look favourable in our eyes.Well I hope this helps and gives you a bit of insight. All in all I just wanted you to see the chain reaction that is happening, she told you she loves you and she probably do but if you want to be with someone its about giving in half way and they will follow the chain reaction and meet you the other half.
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