A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of about a year broke up with me a few months ago. We went to different colleges and a few months in she decided she couldnt handle having a boyfriend. School, basketball, and other things were keeping her too busy and so she decided to call it quits. Whenever we'd see each other in teh weeks following (during breaks) she was flirty, kissy, and even flat out told me she loved me still. We talked about the situation and she said her feelings weren't gone, just the situation as a whole she can't handle. We were truly truly in love with each other and were each others best friend all of senior year. About 2 months ago, the last time we saw each other, she said she still didnt want a boyfriend but wanted to keep in touch and that we'd basically be in an open relationship. She didn't want me to hold back but really wasn't ready to let me go. In a way she said let's do our own thing, keep in touch, but come summertime we'll hang out and see where it goes. The whole next week we texted/called each other all the time and talked as if we were still going out. Saying I love you, calling each other baby, etc. After this week things kinda faded, I was doing all the work in keepin in contact and somtimes she just flat out would not respond to messages. We talked about it and she kinda was weird about the whole situation. She was saying how she loved me but didnt want saying that to change the decision we made over break about 10 days prior (talking, but not going out) The next few days shed call to see how I was, then after for a week we didnt talk. I was starting to think something was wrong. Then at the end of a text she called me love again so it kinda got me thinking some more. I was supposed to visit her in a few weeks and she started getting weird about it, lying saying she forgot what week it was and how she didnt think it was a great idea (2 weeks before she said"I cant' wait to see you again..") We talked on the phone about it and she just said she basically changed her mind and thought it wouldnt make the situation any easier if i came to visit. She was saying how she did some thinking and kinda decided that talking and what not then hanging out in the summer would probably make things even harder and she knew i would want more than that. We had our final closure after that conversation and she said she wouldnt contact me in any way and would wait for me to talk to her. 2 weeks later she sends a video message of a concert she was at. It was our love song when we dated...hmmm???? I was caught way off guard, we exchanged brief texts after, quickly catching up. She told me to text her that weekend to catch up more if i wanted (Btw it was Valentines day). I decided not to text because a few weeks earlier i was dying to talk to her and she kept denying me, so i wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine. Part of me wanted to catch up more. What do you think that video message was trying to say? I mean i finally pulled myself away from her by not talking to her in 2 weeks after i'd been putting myself out there for sooo long, so maybe that was her way of bringing me back in. But why send me OUR song from when we dated. She knows how i am and knows i'd buy into it. Do you think she still has feelings for me? I just don't see the purpose of sending it after she told me she wouldnt contact me. It'd be different if it was a message asking how i was, but that song!!?? She'd have to be completely oblivous and think oh he'll just think its friendly and wont think twice about it. She even asked if i could hear the video ok...basically wanting me to mention the song..but i didnt After about 2 weeks or so of talking once i texted her (last night actually) to let her know about a family member that was very sick. I texted her asking if she had a minute and she responded by sayin how she was busy but really didnt have much time to talk. I said i'll just let you know later i dont wanna bother you, and shes like ya if its anything emotional then now isnt hte best time...but i'll call you this weekend...meaning if i was gonna say anything about our relationship then i should wait. Do you think that means she's been thinking about us a bit? I said it had nothing to do with us and shes like oh ok what is it...She didnt seem too sympathetic and i was kind of upset. I wanted to spill my heart to her last night because a lmost losing a family member made me realize some things. However, A few ppl told me to cut ALL contact with her and say i love you i wanna be with you but i cant handle this 'catching up' bs because its so forced and what not and that i cant handle seeing/talking to you because it makes it harder for me to let go and move on. They told me to tell her i'm done and leave it up to her to decide on where to go. I think i want to do that but yet i wont be seeing her for about a month...it'd be WAY more effective in person. Especially seeing me get up and walk away. Thru facebook i can see she's been hanging with this guy once or twice and i heard he got her flowers on vday....messed up because she was at the concert with a group of ppl, him included, when she sent that video message. I have no iddea if they hung out once or if they've been dating. I know i asked a lot of questions but any feedback on this would be great!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I certainly feel your confusion and your heartache as I'm currently in the midst of a similar situation which I'm perpetuating out of fear. However, mine has been going on for about a month now and sadly I don't believe I'm really any further along then when the situation began. Hypocritically enough, I can advise you and provide an objective perspective but I'm struggling daily to get to the very same point that I'm about to describe to you.
You have to weigh the options of your situation and you have to adopt and entirely 'ME first' stance. What decision can you make (will you make) in order to make YOU feel better? I know you're hurting and I know you're holding out and holding on in the event that she'll come around and for that fairy tale resolution to swoop down upon you and give you the comfort you seek. That's very noble of you. But is doing that going to provide you solace? Is holding out DEFINITELY going to bring her back? Lastly, and this one is the kicker, do you love HER (as she is now) or the IDEA of her (as she once was)? I didn't consider that one until recently. Think about it: the person you loved wouldn't put you through this misery. She just wouldn't. And you know that, so consider it. Remember--no one can do anything to us unless we allow them to.
This is truly a hard situation, but as my friends are telling me, it's a life lesson. And most importantly--if she came back tonight or tomorrow or next weekend, how great would it be? Yeah, you'd probably feel better, but you're in a different position than she right now so the tables are turned already. Wouldn't you want to have a stronger sense of self worth and confidence IF she does come back so that the relationship can be equitable and not lopsided?
There are few things about other people in this life which we can control--ourselves being one of them. You can't make or control or manipulate her into doing something that only she must decide to do, IF she wants to do it. Knowing that, and this is the hardest part, it's only fair to yourself that you walk away completely (and that means no online investigations of any sort), no answers to calls or texts. Become an enigma. It's hard, but it's not impossible.
Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be this hard. Remember that.
A
female
reader, Plutonious +, writes (2 March 2009):
What are you a puppet on the string? NO. you have feelings too you know.
Think about it, she is mixed in with you and that other dude. She is more than likely confused. And not taking it too well.
She even called it quits the first time because of a new fling.
dont let this situation fool you just because of that video on V DAY, what you should be concern about is how many times did she play with your mind?
TOO MANY TIMES.
Arent you tired of it? this roller coaster ride with her?
I would have to agree... is to let it all go. Let her deal with her own emotional, confused state.
That's her problem not yours anymore, considering the fact that she called it quits. right?
You should only be concern for her as a friend, and not anything more.
It sounds as if you have revolved your world around her too much, and by that she made you a puppet.
I was in this bs situation with my ex before, playing with my emotions, telling me this and that, then the next day he acts as if he never did or said all those wonderful things. Played me like a fool.
but hey enough about me...
take care of yourself first.
There are many girls out there for you, but not this one.
again, it's up to you to go back to the bs with her again, or just leave it and be happier
...............................
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