A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for a year but together for 9 years. He is a student pilot for the military and I am a stay at home wife. I'm having baby fever and he is aware of my feelings. He is the kind of guy who likes to plan EVERYTHING. I have stopped my career to follow his and I'm ok with that. However, I feel, being 26, I'm wanting and ready to have a child. He's busy with pilot training so he does not want me to get pregnant yet. He just doesn't want me to be pregnant the whole time he's training. I feel like I have to keep living by his "rules" and I'm beginning to feel upset, depressed at times, and resenting almost that I let him sort of control both of our lives. He doesn't do it intentionally, but he's a "planner" and if you think of every single statistic or budgeting reason there's never "a good time"...especially being part of the military. I just feel lost because I don't want to argue over it, but I'm sick of being told no. I feel like when he decides to tell me he's ready, I will not want to be ready just despite him. I'm on the pill and we've had the talk about me getting off of it. He's ok with the idea, but is not ready for me to get pregnant. So I feel if I did get pregnant I'd feel guilty because I know he isn't ready for me to be pregnant. I know this all may sound crazy, but I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I waited what seemed like forever to get married and I'm just not ready to wait forever to have a baby. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Your being broody, it's perfectly normal at your age, but you have to learn to deal with it, in my opinion.
A baby is something which you both must decide on, and something which you have not mentioned in your post is that he most likely wants to take an active role and be there for you both and take his share of responisibility of raising the baby, something which is impossible for him at the moment and in the foreseeable future.
He's not ready yet and you have to respect that, if the shoe was on the other foot and he wanted one and you didn't then, he'd have to respect your decision.
These feelings of living by his rules are a load of crap, you're not thinking rationally at all about this, you chose to leave your job for him, there are two of you in this relationship both of your feelings must be considered and both of you must consent to something as life changing as having a baby, if you feel he has too much control over certain aspects then asert some control yourself. Maybe you need to get to back into the workforce or do something other than sitting at home thinking of babies.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): When is he done studying? And while you are pregnant he can still be in school, it takes 9 months after all. If he's done by the time the baby gets out then you two could still plan a child even while he's studying.
Btw, Im gonna pull out the feminist in me now. It's unfair. He gets to finish with his training? Many women have to pause their education because they become pregnant. Men can still continue. But now he's acting like HE's the one who needs to carry this baby in his belly and give birth. He can still be studying while you get a child. The only problem is, now that you don't have an income it could be hard to pay the bills? But of he's getting enough income to support you and him, does he have enough to support a child as well, when he's still studying?
If women want a child they need to end their studies, their jobs etc for a good amount of time (usually up to a year and in many cases they never return to their work field at all). You're not even asking that of him. He still gets to study and do everything he wants to, because he's not the one carrying the child, giving birth, breastfeeding etc. If he's too busy now for a baby perhaps he could take a break in his studies (like so many women I know of had too!) and you can go into work until it's time for the baby to arrive.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 I think your husband is right - he is still studying so at the present time it is not a good idea to have a baby. Financially you wont have enough money because you dont work and he is still in training to be a pilot, and also I imagine your husband will have lots of reading & exams coming up so having a screaming baby in the house wont exactly help him to achieve his plan of becoming a pilot.
Why not talk to your husband and say you want to come to some compromise because you dont want to wait too long to have a child, and you feel there will never be a "right" time to have a child. Tell him this but then also say that you understand right now is not ideal to have a child, so you are willing to wait but only on the basis that you agree a time when you can start to try for a baby. Maybe suggest that when he has fully qualified as a pilot then you can start trying for a baby? That seems like a reasonable compromise!
At the end of the day you are still reasonably young and I bet you are only getting baby fever because you are stuck at home with nothing to do apart for household chores! Take some control back of your own life - get a part time job or volunteer somewhere to keep you occupied. If you start having a life of your own it will stop you from resenting him so much and it will make it easier to wait a little longer for a baby.
Sitting at home thinking about children is not going to do either of you or your relationship any good! So if he does like to plan, then make a baby plan that you both agree to (based on when he is going to have finished studying) and you are happy with. Then find something to occupy your time in the space between now and your confirmed date when you are going to start trying. Hopefully that will help make the time go faster!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 exlain to him simply and calmly that the longer you wait to fall pregnant the greater the chances of there being something wrong with the baby and the greater the chances of your having some sort pregnancy related medical emergency.
If he wants children he may need to concede that in this instance your body natural internal clock may need to be heeded more than his controlling ways.
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