A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After a year and a half of working through the issues my abusive ex left me with, I'm now seeing a really great guy. I'm not entirely sure how a relationship works when it doesn't revolve around me trying to make a controlling and insecure partner happy. I'm starting to get used to the idea of a mature, equal relationship now. Though I'm not sure what I should tell my current partner about it. He knows I was with this guy for over 2 years and that it was very bad, but I haven't told him details like how controlling he was, how he purposely made me feel bad about every aspect of myself so I'd think I was lucky to have him and no other man would ever want me, how I couldn't have male friends or look at anything but him in public in case he thought I was checking out other men, the occasional instances of sexual abuse (not rape, just things to make me feel worthless) and finally, right at the end when he realised he was losing me, how he hit me. Is it a good idea to tell my new man about all of this? I have built up my confidence a lot now and I think I have only a few minor issues left from it all. But in a way it has made me who I am now, so I would like to share it with him. Is there anything I shouldn't say? He's a very understanding and caring guy but I don't want to scare him off or have him wondering why I'm telling him all this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Whatever you do, just don't decieve your new parter. If he wants to know something, either tell him the truth or tell him that you dont want to say any more than you have.
If you want to tell him but he says he does not want to hear it, then that is something you & he will need to work out but please be sensitive to his position.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Why do you wish to talk about this? Is it just because you need a confident? Talk to your family then, talk to us aunts here. He is not your confident, just someone you have just started dating, if I understand well. Of course you need support but take it easy and for now make him earn his right to know about certain private matters of yours, you can still talk to him about past relationships but until you know that he knows what to do with the information you give out, don't get into very many details. I am glad to know you have done a lot for your healing after the abuse you endured. "I'm not entirely sure how a relationship works when it doesn't revolve around me trying to make a controlling and insecure partner happy." - you are in the early stages of being restored to more peace and living a healthier lifestyle emotionally and otherwise, of course it all seems new to you as you have grown somewhat attached and used to the toxic treatment your ex gave you and the feelings of pain, fortunately you have had the power to work through your issues and now being happier and more confident, it is probably hard to believe how much you have achieved. Believe it and continue to work hard to reinforce the changes you have made for yourself that made you a stronger person, and not a victim anymore, but a survivor.As for approaching a partner about such delicate issues from your past, it is best to double check that you can trust each other and that you know what to expect from him. Get to know him better. You would not feel great if he doesn't understand and runs the other way. If he also doesn't know you quite well, he won't know what to make of this new information you hand on to him, why you are telling him all of this. He might just wonder, is she warning me that she has reminiscent issues from the past, is she telling she needs to be handled with kid gloves, is she hard work?On the other hand, once you can trust each other, with the revelation he will likely feel sad that you went through this amount of abuse and probably surprised, but he will be able, knowing you better, to also think: "what a strong woman I have been having near, that has recovered from an experience that would crash others, but she rose and combatted her past and has managed to move forward as a whole individual." By the way, it's also OK and expected to have gotten out with some maybe permanent scars out of that relationship, but it is also recommendable that you be healed when you embark on your next relationship.If you need support for your problem I hope there is a network of people you can resort to and that you have benefitted from professional help? As for the new boyfriend, I hope he is supportive and appreciative of your strengths when you do share this with him. Meanwhile carry on making the good choices that helped you bounce back to a healthier lifestyle and be proud of your progress-making. Best wishes. PS: What are the few "minor issues" you are referring to?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hello. Well done on getting life back on track. If you are over the past and moving forward, then dont look back or dwell on the past. Its a new relationship with a new guy, so leave the old baggage behind and start fresh. I dont mean to be an old misery but theres nothing worse than someone who goes thru all the gory details of life with an ex. When youve just met someone new whos all starry eyed, it can be very off putting for them. He may offer to listen to you just to gauge how `over` your ex you really are. Let him know how over him you are by saying its not important and talking about more intersting things. Its a fresh start for you, so enjoy! x
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