A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. My wife and I have been married for 8 years (Im 38 she is 37) and have a wonderful family. We have always shared a very special sacred relationship but sadly I have been using porn (nothing illegal) on and off even though I know she strongly disaproves of it. It was more curiosity than anything I guess which I have tried to explain to her but the most recent time she told me she is sick of my lies and cant believe I would stoop so low as to use porn when we have both dsicussed how it exploits women (I do believe this but still did it) My wife is very educated and knows a lot about the issues around porn. I just dont know what to do. I am almost sure she will leave, When I ask her she says she is not sure what will happen but that there is no point being together when I obviously have the desire to look at young naked women is more important than 'my integrity'. She is a beuatiful woman and I have told her a thousand times that I am very attracted to her. It just seems she doesnt believe me anymore. She wont come to counselling and says if I want porn thats my business but she is not interested in being with a man who uses it. Im happy to give it up but it seems she will never believe my love and attraction to her. I am so worried I am going to lose this special woman.Now when she makes love with me its always lights off...which is totally different to how she used to be...which was very uninhibited and sexual...Please help me save this marriage..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): what a good explanation ACCUSED I need my partne to look at that so he understands thanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Why don't you ask for her help? She refuses counseling,and there must be a deeper reason for that.Certainly her views on porn are respected by almost all the female population. If she is as educated as you say,she must have some answers to the reason you decided to check it out. Both of you need to face this head on. No blaming,lying,or beating around the bush. The fact that she didn't pack up immediately,suggests to me,that she needs some answers,too.When people "sneak",they lose their credibility.We all feel threatened by trust issues,and feel that the actions are a direct hit on us.I am sure she feels somewhat at fault also. You were partners.Everything that effects you,effects her as well. You drug it into the picture,ask her to help you get it the h...out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I really hope things work out for you as a couple.I never got a chance to find out why my partner preferred porn to me. Honesty is so very important when people have decided to share their lives together. I really was willing to do whatever it took to make it work, but he was not. Please sit down with yor partner and have one of those true heart to heart talks. I feels like she needs to understand that either you were scared to ask her to try new things,or some answer that only you know. Perhaps shes not aware of all of your needs. Perhaps you felt you couldnt share some of your feelings honestly.Why dont you ask her if she is willing to learn, grow, and share, with you. With me it was an honesty issue. My partner would just walk away. I guess he didnt know me. I would never judge another person. The wonders of life could have belonged to us. Love is very forgiving. I dont believe you have told your partner what she needs to hear. Only you know how to get to the place you need to go together.Think about it, you will figure it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): I have recently discovered that my hubby of 28 years has been using porn behind my back, it culminated in him not making love to me for over a year, he did not confess, I did my own detective work and found out, when I talked to him about it he said throw the films away (he didn't look at it on the net)he said he hasn't got a problem and will not go to counselling, anyway I have thrown the films away and will never have anything like that in my house ever again. I felt totally unloved, unsexy, lost some confidence how could he prefer to do that when he had a good loving woman crying out to be loved, but ignored me for a very long time, he hasn't really given me an explanation, we do love each other and that is why we are staying together, but if I ever catch him doing it again it will be the end. I just wish my hubby was more like you in the way that you are prepared to do anything to make amends with your wife. Keep talking to her and show her how much you love and respect her and never ever cross the line again, it is a terrible thing to go through, I just wish it had never happened but it has and I have to deal with it. Good luck for both your future happiness together
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): Well duh she wants the lights off, you have proved to her that you need/desire other stimuli. Which most women equate to not being attractive to their mate. She feels let down, unwanted, and cheated on. I see nothing wrong with porn (I am female) as long as it is an understanding between both people. If its something you have to hide to partake in, you know your doing something wrong. May be you should stop for a little while. And ask her how can you prove to her that you have stopped, because you have to build that confidence/trust back up. It takes a while.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): Ouch! lol Sue, got your private message too, hun and you are one angry lady! Wow! I hit a nerve with you, didn't I. I stand by every word I have written, dear. It is simply just my own opinion and the poster is an adult male..he too, has the right to make the choice to take it or leave it. Try not to get so worked up over people's opinions and thoughts. We are all here for a common good-to help others-not to demean and insult the Aunts and Uncles who take time to offer help to others. Take care, Sue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): this is for irish for god sake people make mistakes i no i have and so have you so get off your high horse his wife aint perfecy either so see it both sides you seem so holier than thou and i bet you have made mistakes you wish you could change we aint perfect so stop treating everyone like they are a child we do know that we make them and only you in your infanate wisdom seems to rub our faces in it get a life make some mistakes and then you will see how totally one sided you seem
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2007): Good for you, giving this up. I really do feel that once a person falls in love and gets married, there is more than themselves to consider. A good, long lasting, quality marriage is comprised of that old saying.. "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Your wife has told you how unhappy your behavior makes her feel and you want us to help you save your marriage. Okay-firstly, as you know, a mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. Woman do the same. Secondly, you didn't do that for her, knowing her relationship and marriage values. So what did your behaviors tell her? You did it anyways, because you wanted to. You proved to her that looking at internet porn was more important than how she felt and you could use common sense and control your impulses.
The only way to save this and this is a long shot. Take action-show her you are that man of integrity that she tought you were. . I would tell her how much you deeply love her, ask for forgiveness and outline a plan with her, that will clearly tell her that these behaviors will never, ever invade and permeate into this marriage again. And you have to mean it, hun. Take full responsibility for your actions, even let her read this posting because you do --genuinely, sound so sad and regretful. I agree with your wife-pornography has no business in a committed love relationship and it does not ever improve a marriage bed. In fact, it downgrades the beauty of intimacy, and the wonderful romance of making love to one's beloved..their wife. Your wife seems like a lady with a lot of self-respect and she possesses high values about herself. You are her one and only-she loves you for 'you'. She craves no other stimulation nor she is not tempted to 'act out' in ways that would disrespect you, her husband. . She has shared herself with you in her most very private way...and likely feels you denigraded her and the true value of marriage and what she has given you, sexually. All she has asked, is that you do the same for her. She feels like you failed in doing that.
You could seek some marriage counseling if this gets too difficult. I think you know this now-but it doesn't hurt to learn some insights as to what a woman needs in her life to feel loved and cherished by her man. A good husband always, always concentrates on her when they are together. A man does have choices and can control where his mind and eyes go when he has vowed to love a woman in marriage. It may take her time to forgive, but keep at this and let her know you will do what it takes. Good luck, dear and I really wish you both....the best.
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A
female
reader, accused  +, writes (21 April 2007):
 i am sorry to see that "Porn" has once again came and wrecked a once beautiful relationship.... Let me be as honest with you as I can. I've been where your wife is.. and I know the feeling that it gives to a "wife" when her husband chooses to look at something he can't PHYSCALLY TOUCH! How would you feel if your wife always wanted someone else besides you standing in the bedroom everytime you two made love? What men fail to grasp is it's not the porn itself, it's the fact that you are choosing another woman over her.... So my best advice to you is this: LEAVE THE PORN alone! nothing good has ever come from it.... and if you love your wife, then do whatever you have to in order to keep your family together... Because if she leaves you and your family falls apart... then you will have lost everything for something that never cared for you, could touch you, could be there for good and bad times... REMEMBER: "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT"....
I wish you best of luck.... and keep me posted..... ACCUSED
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2007): im a female and have read your post with both sides in mind. ok you have looked at porn on the net and enjoyed the film side of it. big wow so do most men from the age of 10 up to 99 you aint the first man to have ever looked at it nor will you be the last. at the end of the day its not doing you any harm at all. you say your faithfull and loyal to your wife and what can you get out of watching apart from masturbation. you havent cheated with another person in the flesh nor are you wanting to.at the moment you are willing to give up the porn so you are clearly not addicted to this activity. and as you say you are well aware of the actions of these actors which is what they are, they get well paid for a job most of them like and choose for a career as the money is better for them than for most of us for a days earnings and so therefore why not. on your wifes side she hasnt totaly looked at each aspect of the porn industy and can see things only from "a way a woman should be treated" or "what is he getting from that that he isnt getting from me syndrome" well the answer is clear its a fantasy for men they like to imagine where as a woman doesnt like to think of her man looking at another woman unless she suggests it in a fantasy. you say she is a well educated lady in the area of porn well obviously not or she would know that its only a job to the workers and a money spinner to the industry and most if not all enjoy thier trade in the industry and are well paid to boot. your wife feels some what intimidated by there presence (she may have weight issues or sexual issues that she thought were deep rooted and have now been brought to the for front after her discovery of your behaviour) either way this needs to be talked about calmly i would recomend councelling but as you have stated she is not in agreement she feels threatend by your involvement with these on screen partners and it is totally outside her normal realms of control so try and talk to her explain what it is that you see in these other actors maybe its just the thrill of watching maybe is the thrill of getting caught only you know the answer so tell her. all the while make sure you reassure her that you do love her and never put the blame on her for your reasons for watching porn. if she does come round make sure you agree to the terms that you wil both make and dont presume she will understand if you make a mess of your relationship again
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