A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I posted on here a few weeks ago about a friends-with-benefits situation I have with my ex who I'm still in love with. Well I just found out I'm pregnant- he doesn't want it. Says it irresponsible of me to even think about keeping it seeing as I'm at uni, young and financially just scraping by. I am politically pro-choice, however I don't think I'm mentally strong enough to go through with an abortion. I'm at a complete loss of what to do. He says there is no alternative to abortion.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (11 August 2015):
I read over my answer again (we can't edit, hence the new post) and I realize it came across as me trying to make the decision for you, which was not my intention.
You're in a tough spot and your FWB ex is in the lucky position that he can make bad decisions without having to deal with the consequences. It always takes two to tango and if he didn't want kids he could have insisted on good protection. He didn't. Anyway, what's done is done, but I hope you'll agree cutting this guy out of your life is the first thing to do. He doesn't want to help you and even if you abort like he wants, all he can offer is no strings attached sex. He's just toxic waste at this point. You deserve better.
I wish you the best in whatever you choose, and I hope no political stance of us that may have shone through our answers is what pushes you towards making your own decision.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 August 2015):
You're going to have to accept that the man you love doesn't love you back (anymore) and does not want to raise a child with you. He's made it very clear that if you keep the baby, he will want nothing to do with it or you for that matter. That means that if you keep it, you'll be on your own.
You can put it up for adoption, but you're going to have to think hard about the consequences that'll have for you, knowing that somewhere out there, you have a biological child running around. Lots of people put up adoption as the happy answer to unwanted pregnancies, but lots of adopted children don't cope well with the knowledge their parents didn't want them.
Any choice you make will have consequences for you emotionally. Whatever you do, please think it over well. Your FWB is right when he says that right now, you're not in a good place to be a single mom. Make no mistake, when you have a kid, your life as you know it, is over. It's about your child. That is, if you want to raise a kid who won't have to seek therapy to recover from their childhood. Being a good parent is hard.
To be honest, from my perspective, abortion seems to be the best option. We have too many people on this planet as it is. And this baby in your belly right now is just a clump of cells. It does not have thoughts or feelings. That sounds harsh, but it is. In my opinion you should only have a child if you're ready to raise it. Yes there are single moms who did great against all odds. But make no mistake, they had hard lives to pull it off.
BUT if you do have an abortion, you're going to have to make it mean something. Turn your life around:
- Cut contact with our ex because he's not good for you. He will never love you the way you want him to.
- No more reckless, unprotected sex. No the condom is not 100% safe. But it's a 1000 times safer than unprotected sex.
- No more FWB arrangements with anybody. You're not cut out for it. You fall in love and you get hurt. Trust me, I know, I'm the same way.
- focus on Uni and make a career for yourself.
No matter what you do, at the very least get therapy to deal with the consequences of whichever option you choose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): We had only child being married and loving each other and the reason for it was money. How can you people give advice to go on with the baby if the father doesn't want it, and mother has no means to raise it.
Also, do not go with the idea of adaption. This will be for you much more dramatic than having an abortion. There is no child yet, do the abortion while its not too late.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): Abortion, adoption, or raising a child. Do you want an answer without any emotional pain and no regrets in the future? I'm sorry but there isn't one.
All 3, including keeping the child, will be difficult in some way or another. With all 3 you will sometimes wonder if you really made the right choice looking back.
Don't make this choice trying to avoid the difficulties. Try to make the best choice in the long run and be realistic about what you are capable of handling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): Abortion: your lives continue as normal (no more reckless casual sex and no sex full stop with your ex!), you may want to get some therapy to help you through the abortion *and* your unhealthy attachment to your ex.
Parenting: your life is no longer about you, the only social life you'll get will include baby and crying/poop/sick/feeding, no more reckless casual sex and no sex full stop with your ex!, you may want to get some therapy to help you through the situation you've put yourself in *and* your unhealthy attachment to your ex, money won't be tight any more; it'll be borderline non-existent because every penny will go on baby - no uni or time to start up a good foundation for you or baby with a solid career until the child is in school. It's possible, but incredibly difficult *with* support, let alone without it - would it be fair to baby? It would be easy to love, yet become very resentful towards baby for the dodgy choice you (and your ex) made.
Adoption: your lives will probably continue as normal after the process, (no more reckless casual sex and no sex full stop with your ex!), you may want to get some therapy to help you through the adoption *and* your unhealthy attachment to your ex, you can finish uni, start a career and create a good foundation for you and any babies you have in the future.
Either way, no more reckless casual sex, no sex full stop with your ex and get some therapy to help you figure out what decision to make *and* your unhealthy attachment to your ex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): I think some of the Agony Aunts are forgetting that condoms aren't 100% successful. Too many assumptions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): Don't try to villainize him, because he doesn't want a child with you. You very well know the consequences of unprotected-sex. It is either pregnancy, or you could get infected with an STD,
It's up to you to keep the child if you wish to. He has a right to give his opinion; the ultimate decision is yours.
You had a personal-responsibility to protect yourself in any case. For him, abortion is the answer; and a clear message to you that no tactic you chose is going to bring him back to you. You can't trap him, nor can you force him to acknowledge your child as his. You can prove it by DNA testing, but it will only prove he has to pay you child-support. Not want to be with you the rest of his life. He can simply disappear if he wants to. Then what?
Getting pregnant to keep a man is the oldest trick in the book. This was no accident. Keep the child if you want. It isn't going to make him love you, or want to stay with you.
You can go through legal channels to get child-support; but that will all be for the child's benefit,not yours.
You've always had a choice in this situation. You still do.
So make it, and live with it. You still won't get to keep the man. You got a gift that you will probably cherish for the rest of your life. You can still give the child up for adoption; and be in his/her life if you wish to. You can move on with your life, and never look back afterwards.
You don't have to make any rash decisions about the baby.
You do have to come to terms with what you're going to do about the man and the child you're carrying. The man isn't yours to keep. So, now what?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2015):
 He feels If he had a say in this, the choice would be abortion.
I think it's VERY careless of the BOTH of you to have casual sex, and not make DARN sure there is no pregnancies happening.
ONLY you can make this choice, but you need to think on this (not what HE wants) but what you can handle. You are in Uni, which means you will most likely have to drop out, if you do not have a strong support system (outside of the sperm donor because he has ALREADY let you know he wants nothing to do with this) - Can you support yourself AND a baby? Do you have someone to mind the baby while you work? Can you SEE yourself as a single mom at your age? Do you think realistically that YOU can handle that?
If you have a good support system (family mainly) then you might be able to do this, if you don't it might be SUPER hard (other have done it before so it's not impossible).
My biggest concern is that you think IF you have the baby he will WANT to be with you - I think that is NOT going to happen. He might pay child support (if court ordered) but he will most likely want nothing to do with you or the baby.
And honest? A guy who DOESN'T make SURE he doesn't knock up his FWB (as in USE condoms EVERY time) doesn't seem like a very responsible person. I think people who doesn't WANT the responsibility of children should be WAY more responsible with they sex life.
SO while he has said what HE wants, IT IS your body, your choice.
Talk to your family, your doctor. OWN your action.
I will say this if you don't think you are mentally strong enough for an abortion... can you HANDLE being a single mom? being a mom is 24/7 -- for the rest of your life.
And there IS the option of adoption too. In case you can't do an abortion (I don't blame you there, no female would) and if you can't realistically handle becoming a single mom, there IS the option to adopt the baby out.
I don't envy the situation you have found yourself in.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 August 2015):
 Simple answers to complicated questions are everywhere; If there's noone wanting to parent this new life then by all means let us put it up for adoption so that the child can have a parent that loves it. That is the "option" that your really smart FWB says doesn't exist. It's obvious he'd just as soon kill it so the "problem" goes away. I don't know.. Not being a woman, my answer may not carry any weight but I look a things as black or white The whole shades of gray thing boggles my simple brain. Best of luck with your decision. Think long and hard about it. There is but one chance to do the right thing here. It's like jumping off a bridge, you can't go "oops" half way down.
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