A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there I am pregnant 9 weeks I’ve been dating this honderan man for almost two years. My boyfriend has been distant because he wants to get married but it’s to get his green card. He loves me but i am catholic and I want a church ceremony I’m not asking for a party just a family small ceremony. He hasn’t done his confirmation and has pushed it off he doesn’t seem to dedicate the time to make it happen. Well his brother is getting deported and he said you can help me so if I ever face deportation I’m safe. And i said you act like i haven’t been asking for you to do your confirmation well then he says I’m not going to do it and I don’t care what happens to me. And I replied cool you don’t want to give me my church ceremony then you are not the man for me I won’t give up my dream of a catholic ceremony for his needs. Plus honderan culture is said to use people for their citizenship I just know he loves me and I don’t know what his intentions are and if he is just stressed with everything that’s happening to his brother. He then proceeded to tell me that we are done that if I don’t care what happens to him then the only thing we have to discuss is our baby. That if I didn’t want marriage we should leave it as is. So now I’m pregnant and I feel like he doesn’t care. I’ve always pictured my life with a family. I’m considering an abortion because I can’t do it on my own. If this guy is just doing this now imagine the dead beat he will be when our child is born. I would really appreciate everyone’s feedback any opinion I feel lost and confused and like my life is ruined. I have no idea what to do.
View related questions:
abortion Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (18 September 2018):
Would you be thinking about marriage if you weren't pregnant? That is the first question you need to ask yourself. Secondly did you want a baby at this time of your life? I think you should go to some non judgemental organisations like planned parenthood who will offer free pregnancy counselling without trying to sway you in one direction or another. You need to make this decision for yourself first and foremost. You can be an ex wife but not an ex parent. I think this guy is wanting to marry for papers more than anything but it is up to you to secure your future while you have all options open to you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018): I dont think your tit for tat conversation meant much to either of you.You want marriage and thats the carrot he holds in front of you.He wants a green card and that's what you hold just out of his reach!He knows you are pregnant so you should have been discussing your futures more practically.It isnt cool.You are now holding the baby to ransom.In effect you are stepping up the pressure one more notch with "If you dont do what I want then I will kill your baby!" Time for you both to apologise to each other for behaving like brats playing tit for tat.Imagine there is no political aspect, no religion, no need to plan ahead.If so would you both still want to be together.Then think about the pregnancy together and decide on how you would want to raise a child together etc.You wanted to fulfil all religious and political requirements but sometimes it isnt possible.If you consider he is courting you only for his green card then why would you expect a marriage to last more than the required two years?And if he is shagging you only to fulfil premarriage obligations in order to keep you on track for a green card then why would he care about a child?Somehow your relationship has got an overwrap of other people's expectations when really these sly innuendo 's shouldnt come between you.But they do!I know that.If you want to overcome these obstacles you need to talk together and make a new plan that will sustain you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018): Years ago I knew someone who married a man so he could stay here.She spent loads of money so he could become a citizen.After all of that he divorced her than moved his wife and five kids he had waiting in Mexico.True story.Be warned.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2018):
 Obviously I have no idea whether your bf is only after his green card or if he also loves you regardless of what you can do for him. But I have to say that, if he fears or knows that he may be deported soon, he has a good point. It takes time to get confirmed, you can't just show up on church and tell them : Here I am, confirm me . There's a lot of red tape and paperworks. Plus, every bishop can give different requirements to his diocesis , but certainly there will be preparation classes for adult confirmation to be followed, which will last a few months, maybe four or more, and these classes will start only once a year on a certain schedule, he won't be given individual instruction. In general they are planned in order to end coinciding with the once a year confirmation ceremony for the whole parish. So, if, for instance , next time he can get confirmed in his parish is, say, June 2019... possibly you won't have any wedding , religious or civil, because the groom may have been deported by then.
In other words, he could be just someone who wants to use you in order to avoid deportation; OR he could be a guy who loves you deeply and ALSO wants to try avoid deportation , and to avoid being separated from his partner ( you ) and his child. It's not necessarily a matter of wanting to deny you the wedding ceremony of your dreams; he may just need to move faster than Enforcement and Removal Operations officers !
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 September 2018):
 Are you for real here?
You seem to be aware that he’s using you for a green card but you’re just going along with it? He very clearly doesn’t give two shits about you so why on earth would he be trying to give you the wedding you want? Why are you even considering marrying him? This whole situation is farcical.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2018):
 So he has had 2 years to get confirmed in, so that you two can marry and he has chosen NOT to. because what YOU want is not important to him.
WHAT is important to him is getting his green card.
Why on Earth would you bring a baby into this mess?
And if you can't handle being a single mom, there is adoption and well as abortion. But if you choose the latter, you can't sit on your hands any longer.
Maybe you should focus on YOU instead of him?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 September 2018):
 OP, it's a bit late to want to do things the Catholic way. You're an unmarried pregnant woman.Time to stop being stubborn and think about the foetus. If you want an abortion, that's okay, but don't put it off any longer!Marriage should not be for a green card. Personally, I don't think waiting for the foetus to become a baby is a good idea because you're clearly not mature enough or ready to be a single mum. That's fine, but you need to act now.Don't marry him for a green card. Simple.If you can afford to be a single mum, keep the foetus.If you can't, then adoption or abortion is the way to go. We don't need more struggling babies in the world.You're being immature, which is not surprising at your age but you shouldn't have risked pregnancy, and he is after a green card. I don't see this going anywhere, but a baby shouldn't be brought into it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018): He is catholic. He just doesn’t want to do his confirmation it takes too much time therefore he does not love me enough to do it then I won’t sacrifice a non church wedding this is my dream and he knows it. Religion is not a problem
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 September 2018):
 Marriage shouldn't be about getting a green card. I am guessing it is a legit relationship but still you should do it properly and the way you always wanted it if it means that much to you. Now you mention that you are a catholic and this is what you want, however marriage is about compromise therefore have you actually asked him does he want to convert to your religion and how he feels about it? Religion is a very personal thing and it cannot be forced on to someone else for the sake off a marriage, so you need to listen to his side as well as your own.
To be honest it doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage. You are concentrating on your own needs and wants and you are not listening to him. I am sure it is hard for him that his brother is getting deported and yes he may love you but that doesn't mean he needs to change his beliefs for you. If it is a case off mixed religion I usually find that a registry office is the compromise that both parties need to do in order for the relationship to work. However it doesn't sound like you are willing to do that.
Him threatening you that the relationship is over because you won't marry him on his terms is not acceptable either. Marriage should be taken seriously and not just something for the bit off paper. Maybe this is something you should have thought about before getting with someone who doesn't share the same religion as you. These problems are deal breakers in a relationship.
You say you are a catholic then you go on to say that you are considering killing your unborn child because well you don't want to do it on your own if you are not getting the church wedding you wanted. Sorry but that sounds very self centered. You need to stop thinking about yourself and think about your unborn child. They did not ask to be conceived and well if use have been having these issues then you should have been more careful and used protection before creating an innocent life. A child's life is not to play with or to end because he won't give you your dream.
If you feel he will be a dead beat father then you should have thought about that before having sex with him. Your life is not ruined. You are pregnant not dying with cancer. You both need to sit down and discuss this like adults and compromise. When you get married and have children it is not about what you want it is about making sacrifices for your family.
...............................
|
