A
female
age
36-40,
*llie.123
writes:Okay, here goes.... I found out just under three weeks ago that I was pregnant. I'm 22 and have been with my boyfriend (whose also 22) for nearly five years. It was a complete shock as I was on the and using protection, can only pin it down to a sickness bug I had in early June; either my pill didn't stay down or the antibiotics that I'd only taken one days worth had affected my pill. We were in complete shock an unsure of what to do so took the advice of a health care professional who suggested to book a termination because there may be a wait for the treatment. There was a two week wait which I appreciated because my head was all over the place and I needed time to think it through. For the first week I was constantly in tears spending every night at my boyfriend’s house and not really talking much about the idea of keeping the baby. I told my mum and some close friends who had been in similar situations and they were really helpful. My mum said she'd support whatever decision I decided. My boyfriend hadn't any other alternative to the termination. Not because he didn't want the baby just because he was worried financially, what his family would say and the fact he thinks were too young. I do agree with him completely about us not being ready and am aware how difficult it would be but I was starting to have panic attacks when I thought about the abortion. So started to think about the idea of keeping the baby. I started looking at pictures and learning about the development of babies at 9 weeks and come to the conclusion that I couldn't go through with the termination. I discussed this with my boyfriend and he freaked out and told me it was nothing right now and I should think of the procedure as having a tooth out rather then what it was. This just angered me more as I felt alone. He didn't understand the maternal hormones that were taking over and how I'd formed an attachment to the baby and secretly was quite excited at the thought of keeping it. Everyday he's had heated debates with me about this. He tells me I'm making the wrong decision and I'm going to be responsible for ruining his life. He then got his older sister to talk to me who also had the same to say that there was no happy ending to this and it would tear his family apart. His family are very strict and don't accept sex before marriage and he's worried they will disown him. I do feel awful about this and I don't want the hurt him but at the same time I don't want to be forced into a decision that isn't my decision an I'd probably regret it forever, not to mention be quite messed up for a long time about it. I cancelled my point termination appointment today and he was really upset because he was holding out for me to be able to carry it through. We've been arguing nonstop because he's now blaming me and being quite rude about everything. It's like the fact that we are in a loving stable relationship has been forgotten and now we are at war. I really want this baby buy I feel like he's going to resent me for it for the rest of our lives. It's quite upsetting really because I really need him to understand and support me. This wasn't what I had planned for my life and I'm not keeping the baby to be spiteful I'm keeping it because I want to, I see it as my only option. I don't know If he'll ever come round an actually be happy with my decision but I guess I knew I wouldn't get a positive reaction. I'm not spending much time with him right now well I'm actually avoiding him as much as possible to avoid arguing but it feels so strange like though has ripped us apart because were usually so strong. This really is where I need him most and I just feel completely lost :( I do apologise for the rambling in this message I just tried to include everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Hey I just wanted to add this...Don't worry about his family throwing him out.. for one he should have thought about that before he had sex with you or anyone else.. I'm sure you didn't hold a gun to his head and demand he have sex with you.. TWO its FAMILY.. they may be MAD at first, but they will come around.. My ex was a Jehovah's Witness.. I encouraged him to have sex (I know bad me... i didn't know he was jehovah though until a year into the relationship) his mom HATED me.. she wouldn't even talk to me.. disowned him for a while got him kicked out of their church and whatever else they do.. anyway he and i broke up and he got another chick pregnant.. of course his mom was very disappointed but it's her grandchild and her son.. she eventually came around.. that's the great thing about families eventually they get over it.. EVERY kid will disappoint their parents at some time or another.. but their parents will always love them... and if they are that religious no sex before marriage then i'm sure abortion is not accepted either.. Good luck with whatever option you choose.. but like others have said don't let some guy force you into something you don't want to do.. another quick story cuz i like talking.. my brother who is now 21 and his gf who is 20 got pregnant at 16 and 15.. had a BEAUTIFUL lil girl with the biggest blue eyes ever.. we are all very happy they didn't choose abortion.. that lil girl is almost 4 now and brings so much joy to our life.. they had another surprise as well so she was joined by her brother a lil over a year later.. he is a lil over 2.. i asked my brother and his gf the other day if they regretted having the two and of course the answer was no..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): He sounds a little bit like me when my girlfriend was pregnant. I was so scared, mostly about the financial problems that would've come up. I wanted her to get an abortion while she wanted to keep it. I kept explaining the logical reasons why it would've been better for us to get the abortion than to have the baby. (We both were living with our parents still, she hadn't started college yet, she had a low paing job while mines was pretty average, etc). She understood my arguements but still wanted to keep it.This turned into me becoming very mean to her, yelling, cursing, saying things I didn't mean in order for her to think about an abortion. When she finally decided to make an appointment for an abortion at a clinic we had to wait about a week and a half before it could be done (she was 4 weeks pregnant). So I had time to think about it some more and I actually turn out I wanted to try and keep the baby but the finacial issues were the thing that was stressing me out the most because we would've had to find an apartment together that was in the middle of where both of us lived (we lived 1-1/2 hours away from each other). She skipped the apointment and I showed mixed feelings. But I was kinda happy that she did.In the end all of that didn't matter anyways, I found out she was cheating on me for about 3 months and didn't really have a clue who the dad was. She had told the other guy that it was his baby too. I told her I didn't care what she did with the baby after I found out. The other guy left her as well (he didn't know about me) and in that same weekend she was able to get an abortion.Best decision of her, and possibly my life!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I completely understand what you are going through, execpt you are much braver than I was. I turned 20 on February 9th of this year. The same day I found out I was about 3 -4 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend was also 20 and very immature about the entire thing. I decided on termination as well, but as the month passed I really wanted to give the baby for adoption. I knew a family who wanted another child whom had just adopted a baby girl. Each time he pressured me into the abortion, I even told him that I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. He said okay but kept pushing it. At the time we had been living together, we were renting out my moms secondary house. Even before I had fallen pregnant he had treated mebasically like his mother expecting me to do everything for him, and neglecting me as much as he could. He was even taking MY car to work and leaving me stranded at home. It only became worse as the pregnancy went on. Finally on March 10th I had a "pill abortion." It was awful. He wasnt there for me at all. I had done everything on my own. He even went to work the next day, took my car and wasnt with me when the doctor said someone needed to be with me in case I hemmoraged. I regretted the abortion especially because I hadnt wanted it to begin with. I felt like I had no options, no voice, and eventually I was so broken down I was left with no selfestem and really didnt recognize myself at all. 2 weeks later he broke up with me. I knew I should have kept the baby and given it up for adoption. I regret what Ive done everyday. Having been through it I can honestly tell you that he may not be there for you through the pregnancy, but you have to do what you believe in and think is right. There is so much worse than him not being there for you through the pregnancy. If you want your baby you keep him/her. After fiver years he should want to be there for you through thick and thin. If he cannot meet the challenge then he isnt worth having around. If he cannot respect your decision or at the VERY VERY least be there for you, then you owe it to yourself to let him go. I know its so much easier said than done, especially because I had the abortion for my boyfriend, but if I had to re-live it I would have broken up with him in a second and had the baby to give to someone that couldnt have a baby. I hope you are able to get through your pregnancy with the support of your mother and friends. Its not worth it to stay with someone and be forced into something you dont want to do. My best wishes for you and your baby. I really hope that your boyfriend is able to man up and accept the challenge of being there for you and his child. If he can't though, then thats just something he wasnt brave enough to do and something he couldnt be a man up to. Its what seperates boys from men. Good luck I hope that helped you in some way. Best Wishes ~ M
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female
reader, AllisonDro  +, writes (17 August 2009):
First of all, I applaud you for being incredibly brave and standing up for what YOU wanted.
Secondly, my heart really goes out to you. I wish you lived in my city so I could give you a hug. I cannot even imagine how hard this is for you. And for that, I am truly sorry.
Also, consider your boyfriend's reaction to this major decision and how he would ONLY be happy with his own choice. Think about other decisions you would have to make in the future with him and how, based on his reaction to this, he would act. He sounds a bit controlling to me, to be honest.
Just consider whether you want someone like that in your life forever.
Good luck :o)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 I can't believe what a cad he is being, but I think that you need to leave him and cut off all ties for now.
Why? This can't be good for you OR for your baby.
He was there for the start, but now he thinks that he should be the one in control of deciding that you are wrong for keeping your baby, even though you Both made him! You were both having sex!
And you can probably narrow this down to you Doctor not telling you that your antibiotics would affect the effectiveness of your birth control - which seems to be overlooked QUITE OFTEN by Doctors prescribing medications to young women on birth control. If you wish to put a bug under your boyfriend's bonnet, then tell him that he should get a lawyer and try to sue your GP for liability for not explaining that your chosen birth control method might be ineffective while you were on the antibiotics. *distraction*
You were both playing with fire, but he is being a coward by hiding behind his sister and claiming that he doesn't feel ready to have this child, the one he already participated in making, far too late.
All of the arguing doesn't matter. Your health matters and your decision to carry this pregnancy through - even if it wasn't what you expected - because it was the risk of having sex together.
I think, that by putting a bit of distance, and not arguing, you will force him to sit down rationally and think about the consequences of his actions and face up to his responsibility. It isn't a question anymore of what-is-what. If you feel this strongly about carrying through with this pregnancy, then you don't have to rationalize it to anyone else.
Abortions are an option, and I fully support choice, but they shouldn't be forced on anyone by anyone else. Having, or not having, this child, it's a choice that you have to live with and make on your own, even if he doesn't support you right now. Chances are, he will come around. Even still, you have the support of your own family and I commend you for being strong enough to follow your own convictions. I suspect that he is just panicking now and that he will come around. Good Luck to you and take good care of yourself.
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