A
female
age
36-40,
*eeley345
writes:Just need your opinions and advice. I met an older man online 2yrs ago and we've hit it off. I was not ready for a relationship at the time due to fear of being hurt again mainly but I'm over that now. I felt like I'd led him on but was honest about how I was feeling and even though he was frustrated and annoyed, we remained friends. We've texted and chatted on the phone and online since then and there is an amazing connection between us. He's 47 I'm 29. He has adult children younger than me by a few years and he's been divorced for many years. He's physically fit, used to be in the marines so that's contributed to his fitness, and he's got a good job and owns his own home. I'm attractive as he is too and successful in my own right. So he knows it's not money I'm after. Sexually, we have the same needs, wants and desires. He says he's sexually active with no problems e.g erectile dysfunction or whatever else. I really like him and we've agreed to meet up and give us a go. He seems loving, supportive and attentive. Hell, he's been patient with me and has asked me out on dates so many times that I'm surprised he's stuck around. I'm ready to date him now. But I'm worried about people's reaction especially our family and friends especially his kids. He's 18yrs older than me and I've only dated men a a decade older than me. So I'm panicked. Any advice?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (19 February 2014):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thanks. Tisha-i, ur so right. I always wondered why he did'nt continue looking and dating elsewhere? I enjoyed the online fantasy relationship because it suited me better than a real one. I am NOT ready or in a place career wise, to date. I wasn't to start with but felt I could give it a try. He wanted a real life romance that unfortunately I could'nt give him. And yes, he is responsible for his own emotions. But because I'm too honest and kind for my own good, I feel terrible. But u live and learn. So very confused, u should be an agony aunt for a living if u are'nt already...lol ur advice has hit home. Like everyone else's advice too.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 do not feel bad... he had expectations and he waited 2 years to lay this guilt trip on you.
He's obviously pretty broken.
I met my husband in August 2010 we lived in different states... in December 2010 we decided to try a fling
by JUNE of 2011 he knew he wanted to be with me full time and by December of 2011 he had moved out of state gave up his home and his job and his entire life to be with me....
this guy wasted two years of your life... now that you realize it he's giving you a guilt trip....
NO GUILT needed.... you didn't lead him on you believed it would work... once you knew it would not work you told him.
NO HARM NO FOUL
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 With all due respect, if this man was really ready for a real life relationship he wouldn't have waited 2 years. Nothing kept him from looking locally and dating locally. What you had was an online flirtation that lasted longer than most.
End the fantasy and break it off cleanly so he can find someone who lives near him to date.
You are not his girlfriend, you are not his partner, you are not his wife. You are not responsible for his feelings. He is. He is right where he put himself. I find it very strange that he would be guilt-tripping you into staying with him, that's not a good sign.
Break it off cleanly and don't create fantasy relationships online again, you'll live a healthier and happier life in the long run!
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (18 February 2014):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much for ALL your responses. They have been helpful. I did tell him I could not have a r/ship with him and he was upset and devastated. I explained that the age gap IS too big and my career takes centre stage at the moment in my life. Having a relationship now while i'm building my career would be disaster. I may have to work away in another country for 2yrs and even though he says he can handle it just like he handled waiting so long for me, I doubt it. It was hard to do because I do care about him but friendship is not a good idea. Maybe months or years from now. I feel like a bad person because I did lead him on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
Yep reality rears it's ugly head... you are in different places in your lives.
I'm sadly seeing that with my hubby now too. My nearly 54 is planning retirement and he says "we are working for 30 more years" Umm I don't have 30 more years to work sweetie...
IF he is already in love with you after one meeting... or only 2 or 3... well then he's overreacting and that's also a big red flag...
I would not drag this out with him but rather tell him the truth as soon as you can... that you realize that your age gap is just too great for you to manage.
Again, the OLDER partner is the one that has to go kicking and screaming into the relationship.... IMO.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (18 February 2014):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to update you all. I've finally met my gentleman friend and we hit it off. Sadly during our meeting, the age gap was very apparent. Listening to him talk about his career, travels etc I felt like I could not relate to that. My career is only taking off and will require me to travel too and even live abroad. He says he supports me on that but my fear is in the long run...it will all end in tears. I like him but he is in love with me and already emotionally invested. I can walk away unscathed but he will be devastated. He means alot to me. He is one of the good guys and having his love and support means the world. I've been let down and betrayed by people soooo many times but here's someone who is unlikely to do me harm. But can we remain friends? It's hard to decide and walking away will devastate us both. He cares unconditionally but I don't want to prolong an agony. Will he stay or go? I'm trying to figure out how to end things. I'm sooo emotionally conflicted.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2014):
OP it sounds like you have a good handle on this.. ENJOY It as long as it lasts and when folks STARE (and they will they used to stare at us and i"m only 13 years older than hubby) just put your arm through his lay your head on his shoulder and say loudly "daddy take me home and spank me like the bad girl you want me to be" then smile at them and flounce off.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (12 February 2014):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thanks for your replies. Right now we have decided to take each day as it comes. We've had deep open conversations about our age gap, what people might think, marriage and children. So far we're on the same page. All we want for now is to enjoy our relationship and see where it goes. By next month it may be over. Having children granted at his age, is not a smart thing to do. Health wise and age wise. But...we'll see. I love him and I know he loves me unconditionally so for now, that's all that matters.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2014):
OP I have to tell you, that while I am a big supporter of Age gap relationships, as the OLDER partner (by 13 years) to my spouse, it's hard even with our much smaller gap.
As for children, I'm nearly 54 and maybe it's different for men but at 47 a man wanting to start a family (in the future) seems to me to be a bit overly ambitious. In fact, what I think would happen is you would pretty much end up a single parent.
I do not think that this relationship holds much promise for LONG TERM (over a year or two) or PERMANENCY due to the large difference in where you age in life stages.
Now a 60 yr old woman and an 80 yr old man... sure. even 50 and 70 works... but 29 is the prime of your life and 47 is already on the downhill run....
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 February 2014):
The point about age gaps is that there’s no cut off point, for example 10 years is fine, 15 is questionable, 20 is unacceptable. It’s about the stage in life you’re at, and your expectations, essentially therefore about compatibility. Compatibility is fundamentally important to any relationship but you can see the problems with age gap relationships: the younger partner who wants a family and kids will not have a successful relationship with some-one who’s been there and doesn’t want to do that again. An older person thinking about retirement and planning how they will spend their time, may not work well with some-one still building a career and with many working years ahead of them. Their priorities, expectations and desires from life may be very different.
It sounds like you have thought very carefully about this man and consider yourselves to be compatible: you are both keen on each other, you seem to be able to accept the fact that he’s already had a life that included a family with some-one else, and he’s in good health, apparently with a sexual appetite you seem able to cope with. Given that, go ahead. Will others judge you? Maybe. But that’s life. If it’s not some-one’s age it could be their appearance, their occupation, their family, all kinds of things. You can’t live in the shadow of other people’s judgements.
With age gap relationships you should proceed with caution, it sounds like you’ve done that.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Go for it!. I am 30, and I am seeing a man who is 51. I lost my virginity to him!. We are sexually compatible. It is amazing!. We have been together for two years. We are very much in love.Age gaps don't matter. It's how you feel about each other and how compatible you are that matters.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (11 February 2014):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for your replies. In relation to kids and married, he says he'd love to get married again and as he only has 2 kids so far,he'd like more. He says he does not mind about starting a new family and life (doing it all again) if it comes to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): People don't need to be included in this at all. Just maintain privacy and see if you actually work or not first.
You're going to be taking your time with each other to get to know each other intimately, keep that stuff private until you're both ready to make an official commitment.
Once you're in a secure relationship it won't matter what people think and they'll be more inclined to accept it anyway.
For now this is just a fling, until further notice. People don't need to be included in this until you're both sure of where it's going and where it is.
In other words, OP, just enjoy this whole thing and see what happens. Just the two of you, discovering each other in a different way. It may not work, or you may turn into something special. But it's no one's business but yours. If it's going well then it'll be a case of people noticing a little extra bounce in your step and his, if people see that being with each other is good for both of you then the age will make no difference at all. But it will of course be a topic of conversation and maybe even a few well intentioned jokes thrown around too. If that age is something you and he can be lighthearted about and discuss openly then that'll take away any discomfort anyone may ahve with the idea too.
I'm 9 years older than my wife. She calls me her dirty old man and other such things all the time. We embrace the stereotype and make light of it, so it's impossible for even people who view it dubiously to create any tension.
OP don't worry, just enjoy this as much as you can, while you can. Other people don't factor into this situation at all yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): My daughter is 27. If she brought home a 47 years old which is my age what do you think my reaction would be? You are right to panic. Your parents are not going to like it. He already lived a life with kids and marriage, yours is still ahead of you. If you want children he might not, and it will create a problem in a future.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2014):
just be cautious and guard your heart...
you are an adult
he is an adult
what others think is not important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): I wish I could help you. I'm marrying a man 17 years older than me. There are always issues, you know, especially as you see your lover aging right before your eyes while you're still young and vibrant! But one has to consider the other pros and cons and see whether one can overcome issues of sexual mismatch etc. for more serious considerations.
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