A
male
age
,
*onfusedman01
writes:Hi everyone, I have a big issue in my life right now, I am 45 years old and have been married for 15 years and have 2 wonderful teenage daughters, the thing is i no longer love my wife and we do not get on at all, i have stayed in the family home for the sake of my children.However i have since met a wonderful lady whom i work with, she is 13 years younger than me, at the time we started getting close she was engaged to her partner and they had many plans for a life together, but i fell in love with this lady and wanted to be with her, slowly we became closer and closer and i guess as a result her realtionship with her fiance started to waiver,yes we were both cheating, this may have been because i kept pursuing her, anyway she broke it off with her fiance and has said she wants to be with me and i am so happy about this.The problem is my wife and kids, plus i really dont know, now that i have her, if i can am able to offer the things she wants in life, like kids etc.I am really confused, i have cheated on my wife before, i dont want to hurt people and i know i have hurt her fiance so much already.What should i do?
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cheated on my wife, engaged, fell in love, fiance, I work with Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Wow you are so brave to come back and write that. So sorry you learned such a hard lesson, but happy that you did learn it. You will survive this and go on to do whatever is in store for you. I wish more people in extra marital relationships would read what you wrote. It would help a lot of people. Thank you for your honesty and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): go to marriagebuilders.com and check up their advice on "surviving infidelity." Sounds like you and everyone else needs it.
Call a marriage counselor. Talk to your local clergy. GET HELP so that you can start to heal as much damage as you can.
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A
male
reader, confusedman01 +, writes (11 June 2008):
confusedman01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits not working, i have hurt 5 people, my lover, my wife, the fiance and my two children, i wish i never got into it, once the excitement of being secret lovers had gone there was no adrenalin rush anymore.
I would advise other cheating married men to stop what they are doing and consider the feelings of others, i have truly discovered that cheating is the cruelest act of selfishness you could ever inflict on a spouse.
i have learned the hard way i am now alone and gripped with guilt.
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A
female
reader, tf123  +, writes (11 June 2008):
Please give an update. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (26 May 2008):
\\its too late for regrets now, you already done it. Can't go backwards in time I'm afraid. She made her own choices too, so you can't be blamed for that. Your first responsibility is to the family you already have. Like I said before, get that sorted and everything else will follow.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi there,
I think you need to take a step back and take some time to figure out what you are going to do. The fact that you have cheated means you have moved on from your marriage, the next step is to tell your wife.
You need to first of all sit down with your wife and explain that you are no longer in love with her and think its best that you break up, i know this is going to be hard, but its better that what is happening at the moment, you no longer want to be with her so its best you break up. Save her the heartache of telling her you cheated on her, unless she already knows, but let her go and find her own happiness.
You kids are now teenagers and will be ok once you explain to them why you and their mum are breaking up. Yes there will be tears and alot of anger but once its out in the open it will be better and people can get on with their lives.
Make sure you know what you are doing with this girl in work, i dont agree with the previous statement that you broke up another relationship, as she was as much in the wrong as you. Had her relationship been strong enough with her fiance, she would not have strayed in the first place, so you are not totally to blame in this. You cannot be held responsible for her breaking up with her fiance, it was her choice and he is better off if this is how she felt.
I think you need to tell this new girl that you are not sure about wanting more children and give her to choice to see if she wants to stay.
Give youself some time to think, be honest with everyone involved, please be sure about what you want and have no regrets later on.
Take care
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 If you think your marriage is over,
then the best solution is to allow your wife to find her own happiness.
Be happy with your new love.
Decide what you want in your life.
Which ever way you choose,
you cannot help but will leave some collateral damage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Please try a retreat or a few weeks on a physical challenge where you can think about your actions and how you want life to be - you are putting too much emphasis on other people when I think you have some root issues. This is not meant to be patronising just practical.
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A
female
reader, jazzmin +, writes (26 May 2008):
I am wondering if the other readers have read through properly what you have wrote, because to be honest i think you should be ashamed of yourself, for not only have you cheated on your wife before, you have also stolen some poor guys fiance, of which he is probably incredibly heartbroken.
Not to mention your poor wife and kids, when they find out what disgusting behaviour you have been upto while at work,
Plus, you say you may not be able to provide what your new lady wants out of life, what have you done, you have messed up so many lives, you are like a runaway train.
I have no doubt you will cheat again aswell, once a cheat always cheat, the best thing for you to do is go off somewhere alone and sort your life out instead of messing up everyone elses, you are a disgrace of the higest order.
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A
female
reader, xxxxxhotstuffxxxxx +, writes (25 May 2008):
Well I think you should have told her that you didnt want any more children before starting anything but now I guess its a bit late but maybe you can talk to her about it now. Get everything sorted out. Tell her what you want and listen to what she has to say and listen to her ideas and plans for the future. Maybe you two can work something out, something that suits both of your plans and requirements. Lots of love.
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A
female
reader, xxxxxhotstuffxxxxx +, writes (25 May 2008):
Well I think you should just be honest with your wife and tell her that it's just not working for you anymore. Be clear and to the point tell her that you have met someone else whom you love before she finds out from someone else which could cause her more hurt and pain. Well as for your daughters who you say are teenagers I think are old enough to understand the relationship which exists between you and your wife and will hopefully let you two work things out which are best for both of you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, confusedman01 +, writes (25 May 2008):
confusedman01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments.
I know her fiance promised her the children she wants as he was the same age as her, they were very much in love, when i first met her.
I dont think at this time in my life i want more children and fear by getting her to leave her fiance i may have crushed some of her hopes and dreams for life, do you think i should have just stayed away?
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (25 May 2008):
Hmmmm. This is messy. I know what its like to be in a long term relationship with someone you don't want to be with any more. I also know what its like to stay in it for the sake for the sake of the kids. I also know that for me that was the wrong thing to do. I hurt myself and I did more damage unknowingly to the kids, whereas if I'd left before they would have been happier I feel now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. However, I do feel its wrong to get involved with another person. Yes they may give you the love and affection you are looking for, but its really not fair to your wife. It would have been far better to end the relationship first and then been free to do what you wanted to. You say you've cheated before, so you are obviously trying to get your needs met elsewhere. Doesn't this say its time to move on? You'll be hurting your wife far less than when you are playing around with other people - and don't think she doesn't know, we women are very good at knowing whats going on without you ever saying a word. So now your other lady looks like she is free to be with you you're getting cold feet. Is it that you just like the excitement and not the commitment? I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. Stand back, look at the situation without all the emotion. You are obviously not happy in the home. Sort that situation out first. Then that leaves you free to do whatever you choose to do next. The big one is the home situation. Be brave. Talk it through. Do whats right for YOU. By doing that everything else will fall into place. Yes it may be a tough thing to do, but it can't be any harder than where you are now. And its a whole let less messy and more honest. Good luck.
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