A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi all... So I’ve been in a kind of friends with benefits relationship with an older guy for almost a year, but we’ve had sex maybe like 10 times in all. Just some background, he’s separated and I’m just single. We have a good friendship, but we both just like to have sex with each other, that’s all. No drama, no craziness.. Well, a few weeks ago he asked me if I trusted him and I stayed silent and he took that as a no. Over the next few days I did start to feel bad because we were friends before we got involved and I’ve been close to him for 2 years and he’s never done anything to hurt me. I do trust him enough, But he was asking if I would be okay with sending him sexy pictures every now and then, but I don’t want to put my trust into that, so I always say no.He didn’t get mad, but he keeps saying I should trust him by now because he completely trust me..Anyway, that same day, we had sex and when he came, he pulled out but the condom slipped off and some of it got on my thigh. He said he was sure he didn’t get any in me, and I’m sure he didn’t but to be safe, I purchased a day after pill early the next morning, but I didn’t tell him I did.Ironically, around noon yesterday (I had already taken the pill that morning) he texted me and asked me if I was on birth control, and I was honest and said no (even though I’ve told him I’m not on Birth Control before) and he asked me to get a morning after pill to be safe because he was starting to panic. I told him I understood how he felt and that I had already taken one so he didn’t need to worry. He responded with “Really?” As if he didn’t believe me. I asked him if he wanted the receipt and he said that he truly believed me and trusted me, but for peace of mind he wanted to see proof and that he’d pay for it since it was his fault (accidents happen, it’s not his fault but okay). Immediately, I went through my trash and got the receipt and the box and took a picture and sent it. I told him I didn’t need any money and I’d even take another one in front of him if he wanted. He just texted me back and said how amazing I was and that he couldn’t believe I was still single... stupid response, but whatever. The point is, I understand being worried, but for someone who talks about trust a lot, he made me feel like he really didn’t trust me at all in moment. The whole thing kind of iratated me, because Ive never expressed any crazy, obsessive, “trap him with a baby” kind of behavior towards him, that’s not at all what I want with him ever, so the fact that he didn’t believe me made me feel a bit offended... Am I wrong for this? Do you think he was just freaking out or he really thinks I’m that kind of girl?
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condom, friend with benefits, money, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018): A baby is such a big deal that I could see some guys reacting like that even if they did basically trust their partner. If you really were enjoying him, maybe you should cut him some slack on that issue?
You probably don't need to hear this, but you can point out to him about the pics that even if you trust him completely, it's possible his phone will be hacked and the pics stolen, etc.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2018):
 Yeah, if someone you are casual with annoys you it's definitely time to move on.
Most FWB do have an "expiration date" and maybe this was just time little wake up call for you to see that.
But I do think you should tell him you are ready to move on, wish him well and then simply block him. Leave this "FWB- thing" with decency.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): You realize that a relationship that is all about sex is unsustainable. And it is in the long run. FWB either get serious or they fade away due to mismatched expectations. You are realizing that while the sex is good, true intimacy is missing. And the trust isn't there on both sides. Decision time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys! I know many people don’t agree with a FWB situation, which I understand. I’ve dated a few guys this past year, but no one worth my time as far as a relationship unfortunately. FWB guy is the only guy I’ve had sex with since the first time we had sex (which has been almost a year now). I’ve talked to him about guys before and he knows when I find the right person, I won’t be sleeping with him anymore, but aside from this day after pill, haven’t had any problems with him, but I do agree that I should probably move on from the whole arrangement since it’s gone on for a long time and I’m started to get annoyed by him.And also, I surely do not want a baby with him. And that was one thing that bugged me as well, because just like he didn’t want to have a baby with me, I SURELY do not want a baby with him either.. Which is why I took the pill BEFORE he even brought it up. But it seems like it’s almost natural for a guy to assume a girl like myself just automatically wants that because they had sex with you. Not true at all, my life is just as important as his.. As for birth control, I don’t take birth control for my own personal reasons. I know condoms break sometimes and they slip off (which is what happened to me) it doesn’t change my mind on the subject.I don’t plan on talking to this guy for a long time.. The whole conversation did annoy me and offend me a bit, but I didn’t express any of that crazy anger, I just never responded to his last message as I don’t have anything more to say, and he can forget those sexy pictures as well. I recently met a guy, hopefully things go well with him! Thanks for the advice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): Perhaps you have just outgrown the situation and it’s time for you to explore something different without this current relationship holding you back. Think of what you want in the future and how you imagine a close partner being part of that, as it’s probably more the whole situation that is making you feel irritable not just recent stuff, I am glad you took the morning after pill without discussing it with him, as you need to look yourself and don’t beat yourself up mentally about anything as it’s not for anyone else to judge what contraception methods you use. Best of luck for the future .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2018):
If he is in the middle of trying to figure out whether to make his marriage work OR to divorce, I can see why a BABY is the last bit of "drama" he needs in his life. HOWEVER, maybe having a FWB isn't very smart for a guy in his position anyways. But, I digress...
I think you are being VERY smart in NOT sending "sexy pictures" to him. That has nothing to DO with trust. It has to do with boundaries and standards. YOUR standards. First of all, he is a FWB not a long term partner. Secondly, if you are of the opinion that SHARING those kind of intimate pictures can TOO easily end up out there in the ether - then it doesn't matter HOW much you trust him.
As for being offended or not. You feel how you feel. While you two might be "friends" he obviously doesn't KNOW you well enough to know that YOU might not want a child right now, or a child with him.
One thing though, you are so young to be wasting your time on this guy. and on a FWB. Yes, I know it's all the fad to have casual-ish sex these days, but I think most young people are better than that.
And I agree fully with Ycnbs - don't take "extra" pills unless the direction of the package CLEARLY states you should. Not for his benefit or to "prove" your worth. It isn't candy. And you DO NOT owe him that. You DO owe yourself to take ANY kind of medicine as prescribed or as per the instructions. Your health is WAY more important than his "feelings" in this.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 March 2018):
 You feel as you feel. There is no right or wrong about it. If you feel offended, then that is your right. I suspect your feelings really stem from the realization that, while you are good enough to provide occasional sexual relief, the thought of fathering a child with you freaks him out. And that is HIS right.
While you were right to take a morning after pill, please do not rely on this as a form of contraception going forward as it is far from 100% reliable. If you are going to carry on having casual no-strings sex with men, then you need to protect yourself against future accidents of this type and use reliable contraception (as well as insisting on your partner using a condom to protect against STDs).
And DO NOT take a second pill just to prove a point to someone. Do you know what that can do to your body? Don't play Russian roulette with your long term health in such a casual way. This is strong medication you are playing with. It effectively aborts the baby you could be carrying. Do not treat it like sweeties.
If this man is only having sex with you a handful of times a year, I would not mind betting you are one of a number of "FWB" type relationships he is enjoying. No wonder he freaked out at the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.
Do you not think you are worth better than this? In your shoes I would take this to be a wake up call and draw a line under this arrangement. Find yourself someone who wants to be with you all the time, not just occasionally for sex. And trust your gut instinct when this user asks for photographs. You are right to refuse.
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