A
female
age
,
*agleeye
writes:I had an affair with a married man, he broke it off and it was not pretty. I told his wife...to make a long story short...I would send him cards every once in a while..I think I'm obsessed with him. We ride motorcycles and he is a member of a MC which I do alot of rides in.Last week I sent him a card to let him know I'd be on the lastest ride...so he would have a "heads up" whether he wanted to come or not.He showed up then told me "I wish you would die on your bike...I wish you would hit a wall, or fall off the bride, or better yet, I could run you off"I have never had anyone say anything so horrible to me in my life...He went on and told me he wants to read my obituary in the paper then he could live a happy life.I only sent him a couple cards...and she has him under a tight leash...she texts him every 20 min to find out where and who he is with...I just want to know if anybody else has ever cared about someone and have this happen to them? I feel awful that this man I cared about would say such hateful things to me.
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female
reader, eagleeye +, writes (8 August 2012):
eagleeye is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all of you who answered my question. Some of you were kind, and some not so kind and that's ok...I put myself out there and planned on both types of responses.
I know I will get over this hurt I am feeling..but in the end..my feelings for him have ended...and hopefully I can move on and find someone better.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 August 2012):
What Candid Cally below fails to mention is its not entirely what "HE" did to "YOU," its also about what "YOU" did to "YOURSELF."
It takes two, and if you knew he was married (and I think you did), you have absolutely no one to blame but yourself.
This man obviously regrets being with you. You need to move on and not make such bad decisions going forward.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (7 August 2012):
Your hurt is completely justified. What he did was nasty and unfair to both you and his wife. All you can do now is learn from this negative experience to ensure that no man ever takes advantage of you like this again.
If there is a potential for a relationship to develop between you and another man, ask him and his friends/buddies probing questions. Ask specifically if he is involved in a relationship already. If you do not ask people these things, you can easily be decieved. If a man is involved with someone, even if he say they 'aren't serious' or they are 'having problems', you do not want to emotionally and romantically invest yourself in this person because problems often work out in time and this type of man can have sex and lead you to believe things are serious between you when he sees you as not being in a serious relationship.
I have found that it is best to take the hogh road when people slight me. Instead of trying to get even with someone, it is better to swallow my pride and move on. Trying to get even can be a dangerous drama-filled game to play. You are a better person than he is, do not stoop to his level any more. If you continue to contact him, he will know he still has power over you and will continue to try to intimidate and harrass you. If you ignore him, he loses this power and you can close the book on this unhappy chapter in your life and start to write a new one using the wisdom you have gained from this experience.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 August 2012):
 Please don't take any of these answers as an attack on you...it is the situation that is not nice and you are caught up in it.
The right thing to do just happens to be the very opposite of what your heart is telling you to do...and it's very hard to curb an obsession, when somone means something special to you...we all understand that here at DC.
You are correct, You cannot change what has happened, you just acted on anger and frustration and it backfired for you...but now you have an opportunity to start anew and the best thing is that neither him or his wife are ever likely to contact you again so you can literally wash the slate clean, forgive yourself, learn the lesson and move on to something better.
Carrying an obsession can literally steal your life away from you...for years and years.
Life is precious, find a new road and never look back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2012):
 Make sure you leave the evidence of his response somewhere easy to find in case police need to do an investigation.
Time to wrap it up and move on. He's a major jerk, no doubt, but do you really want to be one too?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You know what you do when you date a guy who pretends he is single only to find out that he's married?
You drop the asshole right then and there, spitting on his very memory and counting yourself fortunate you found out before you got pregnant or picked up an STI or an angry confrontation with his wife.
The guy you're obsessed with does not exist. This guy lied to you and used you. Why be obsessed with a man who has no more worth than a filthy diaper?
You need to move on. It's over.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 August 2012):
I agree with the other aunts...You need to just STOP and stay well away from him...stop hanging out where he is and NO MORE CARDS!!
Acting psycho is NOT attractive and your business with him is DONE.
Move on and let him be.
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A
female
reader, eagleeye +, writes (5 August 2012):
eagleeye is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses...I knew most would not have much nice to say about me...
But in my defense...When we first met I did not know he was married...then after time he let on that he was..I was already attached by then.
I'm sure telling his wife was not the best way to handle what he did to me, however, he hurt me and that was the only way I could make him hurt as well....And then...he told her that we never had sex and that I was just obsessed with him and when he would not give in to me...thats when I made up the story...
So..I wanted her to know the truth...
Sending cards to his house was not the smartest thing I could have done...But I did it and cannot take it back.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 August 2012):
 He's trying to make the split that took place STICK.... and YOU'RE not staying broken up. Wake up and keep your distance from him.... let him get on with his life...
His methods are extreme... but his INTENT seems understandable....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2012):
Well, it *was* a really hurtful thing to say to you, and the fact that he cheated on his wife in the first place makes him a disgusting, dirty, trash bag cheater who deserves zero sympathy for what he did to his poor wife. She's the one I feel the most sorry for in this whole story.
This guy said what he said because you're stalking him. He ended the relationship and you won't let it die. You freaked out like in Fatal Attraction and told his wife, and THEN you kept trying to contact him. That's really creepy, and he said the most hurtful thing he could think of to get you to stop and leave him alone.
This post should be added to the examples for married men who try cheating -- you never know if your mistress will become an obsessed stalker and tell your wife, and for the mistress, this is the anatomy of an affair: You're used for sex until you're discarded.
Tragedy all around, but I'd suggest leaving him alone, forgetting you ever knew him, and go on with your life vowing to never go near a married man sexually ever again.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (5 August 2012):
By sending him cards, do you mean mailing them to his house where he lives with his wife? If the answer is yes, he said those nasty things to you because you are STILL causing problems for him and his wife.
Did you ever think about how his wife would act or feel seeing that you are sending him cards through the mail? What if she was the one to open the card?
Your actions come across as vindictive and manipulative. You couldn't just let the affair end, you had to tell his wife about it. Did you tell her to get back at him, or because you wanted them to divorce so you wouldn't have to share him? And now, you are sending him cards which make it seem like you are trying to prevent him from riding at events involving HIS MC that you only occasionally ride with. Would his wife let him ride, knowing you would be there? If she did, i'm sure they had a nasty argument first.
My advice to you is to stop sending him cards. Avoid seeing him as much as possible. Do not contact him or his wife. And avoid having affairs with married and/or attached men in the future.
Finally, what he said to you leads me to believe he is an angry and unstable person who likes to scare and dominate others. If you attend future events and see him, please avoid making eye contact with him. As long as you ignore him, do not talk to OR about him, and you avoid making eye contact he probably will leave you alone. Avoiding eye contact and ignoring him is KEY. If you make eye contact, especially lingering or staring eye contact, he will think that you are the aggressor because you are flaunting your presence at his club's event and he feels your look is challenging him to do something about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): Try to understand why he said such a hurtful and hateful thing (although understanding doesn't make what he said necessarily okay).
Like blonde30s said, he broke off the relationship, yet you continue to pester him with cards (after you told his wife about the affair). Needless to say, he will not be pleased.
His marriage is probably going downhill (because of you and him) and you're exacerbating the issue by contacting him. The fact that he cheated on his wife might hint he isn't as kind as you think he is.
Move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): I think hooking up with a married man was your first mistake.
Mistake no.2 was that you began to develop feelings for him (sending him cards, etc).
What were you thinking?
"Last week I sent him a card to let him know I'd be on the lastest ride...so he would have a "heads up" whether he wanted to come or not."
Seriously, weren't you trying to bait him with sex? Isn't that morally incorrect - he's married? What if someone did that to your husband?
What happened was a logical conclusion to a wrong arrangement.
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