A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, We have been together 4 years and are still very much in love, we are a young couple in their 30's.I feel as though the relationship is going slowly downhill. We do equally do things for one another, I mean we both share the cooking cleaning, everything and he oftens does the odd thing to pamper me. and we pretty much have good communication and a good friendship with lots in common. The problem lies with the intimacy, or lack of. This has become a big problem for me as Ive become obssesed with the lack of sex. He says he loves me, fancies me and so on and its not me .. its just the way life is and that sex doesnt have to happen all the time. Yes I agree, but we havent had sex in the last 6 weeks and its getting me now. There are not issues with erections, he's not cheating, hes not overly stressed at work and things are pretty even footing. His slant to this is that im reading that the relationship is fine if we do have sex, bad if we dont... I guess in my head yes thats exactly it! Ive lost the way and cant get back and have lost the sex, and dont know what to do... tried dressing up, spontaneous, you name it we done it, spiced it up, made it sensual, just explored each other and so on. He doesnt have a problem with the frequency but I do... what should we do, we have tried to meet a medium, but always reverts back. its got to the stage its all foucused on the sex with me, and i cant get past it, how do i see us for more than the sex... as right now all im seeing is that Im needing sex and hes denying me, how its got this far i dont know, im totally frustrated by this and really hate that we are not like other normal couples, that are having sex a couple of times a week, how can we be like that ? I love him with all my heart but really feel that lack of sex will drive me away as i dont see why i should have to go without sex in our otherwise good relationship. I know its selfish, but I like sex and there is no reason why a couple like us shouldnt be having sex, hes got lazy and pressured maybe... ?what do i do, im scared Im gonna get tempted to stray... I look at men on the tv and think yeah I would.. and Im even looking at men at work in a different light! Im thinking what would it be like to have sex with them! Help! What do I do!!! I dont want to lose my man, but im losing me!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Thanks for your replies. I know that it is not medical. Despite the sex falling by the wayside, we are very open and can talk about anything. When I have mentioned this to him before he says he feels pressured and its become slightly less fun as he now feels that over the last year hte onus is on him to have sex with me. And no hes not having an affiar as he simply doesnt have the time. We are pretty much together all the time, we seldom go out on our own and I guess that could be a factor, not enough time apart. We are very much in love, its just that ive somehow got obsessed with us not having sex, and its got worse the worse I go on about it. What i was asking is how can i get it back to more of a normal level. Hes more or less said of course he wants sex with me but in my head im convinced he doesnt and he cant change my mindset. hes also said that just because we are not hving sex every waking moment doesnt mean he doesnt love me. Whilst i know all this i want to get it back to a more equal footing and cant seem to do this and dont know how ? Im guessing its patience more than anything but how can i get it back to feel more natural for the both of us. We both do fancy each other, its just this stupid pressure thing happend and i somehow got obsessed about not having sex and its spun out! I mean i count the days in between... thats not normal.. Its not so much his libido, hes kinda got lazy i guess cos i hounded him and its curtailed out. I want it to be more natural and dont know how to get it back what would be the right road, so thats hes not feeling pressured and i stop the obession ?
A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 I think there is definately something wrong here. Differances in sexual libidos between partners are common, but 6 weeks is not just your ordinary differance in libido. Especially when that is not how he has been for the prvious four years that you have been together. Either he is getting it elsewhere or he has a problem. The problem my be physical or psychological, but a check up with his doctor is in order ASAP. Even though he is not suffering erectile disfunction, something still could be very wrong to cause the plumit in his sex drive.
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A
female
reader, pollyanna  +, writes (16 April 2007):
 I don't want to play devil's advocate here... but how can you be sure he's not having an affair? It sounds strange that he doesn't want sex more often than that. I feel for you girl... I wouldn't want to be in your shoes... I'd be going crazy. Let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Blue Rat +, writes (16 April 2007):
I'm afraid I can't see an easy answer to this. You seem to have a strong relationship in ever area outside of bed and you say you still love each other. There's no stress, medical problem or cheating that's causing his lack of interest, so it simply comes down to him having a low libido. You say you've tried dressing up, spicing things up, spontaneity, and anything else you can think of, to no avail so he simply seems to have a low sex drive. I know there's no such thing as a "normal" frequency for sex as everyone and every couple are different, but 6 weeks is a long time and if I was in your shoes I'd be seriously frustrated and very concerned too by now. It's hardly surprising that you're "obsessing" about it and that it's dominating your thinking to the extent that you are worried about straying and are eyeing up other guys.
I don't see an easy way out. You can't magically stop yourself wanting sex and he can't magically start wanting it more often. We are what we are. I also believe that whilst sex isn't absolutely everything, it is a big part of any relationship (after all, if there's no intimacy, you're nothing more than friends are you?) and that if there's a problem sexually, then it won't be long before the whole relationship is in trouble.
You can have a great sex life and a lousy relationship, but I don't belive you can have a lousy sex life and a great relationship. If you can't find a lasting and satisfying compromise soon then I don't see a long term future for together. I'm sorry, that's probably not the kind of answer you are looking for but it's how I see it.
Good luck anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): If a lack of sex is tempting you to stray then sex is all that is holding your relationship together. Does it sound like this has a future?
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