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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I think I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I dont know what to do. I live with my partner, have done for just under 4 years. I love him immensely and that isnt in any doubt on either count of us. He adores me and does do alot for me. We really are good together, and hes very special to me.My problem is this. He got married when he was 30. It didnt last long, but there was a child involved. Long story short, the ex was a control freak and he couldnt deal so they split. So he has access to his daughter who is now 5. We got together about a year after they split. Anyway, hes now reluctant to get married in the future because of this failed marriage, whats more hes not divorced her yet for fear of losing his daughter and causing unrequired conflicts. I appreciate all this and it never bothered me before. But its got more and more to the stage that his daughter is getting involved in all of our weekends. He drops everything, understandably, and we all spend the weekend together. We dont get any time to ourselves any more and the daughter even has to share our bed as we only have a one bed flat. (its all rather complicated) anyway, as you can imagine sex doesnt occur that much, and im worried about the future. He's reluctant to get married,(ive never been married) I dont think he wants more children, but what about me... I think i do although not 100% sure, its just that it always used to be just me and him and thigns were good and now its like our plans dont matter ... its hard to explain, but im not jealous, more left out... because hes done all these things, i dont get the chance to... Im so worried as I love him so much, more than anyone, and all over aspects of the relationship are excellent, he looks after me, hes a good man, and we get along great, im just feeling that im missing out... that I want more, But what if the more im seeking isnt right ? What if i think stuff it i need to be me and find whats right for me and it was what i had all along ?I dont want to leave him, but Im not sure im getting what i need, but im worried that Im 32 now and to start a relationship again with someone else and then maybe have children I will be older than I want to be having children!I think he will get a divorced when its not costly, but i dont think he has an intention of marrying me,(i might be wrong but he doesnt think it will change anything) We cant move as we cant afford it, and we have his daughter to think about too.. hes forever at logger heads with his ex about allsorts where the child is concerned and im just wanting a simple life with my man. I dunno what im asking, i really dont know... the child isnt really the thing here, its the fact that hes already done these things so hes in no rush to do any of it with me, and hes just content to love me.... Help!!! What do I do!!?
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 I feel for you, I really do. You sound like such a wonderful and supportive person. He is very lucky to have you. Lots of women would not be so supportive. Like I said before the best way for a man to show how much he loves a woman is to want to marry her and be with her forever and since he doesnt want that you feel that maybe he doesnt love you enough. Your feelings are completely justified. If it werent for this previous relationship it sounds like you two would be perfectly happy. I am not sure how to come up with the happy medium, but I will keep thinking about it. Feel free to send me private email with any thoughts you would like to kick around. Please keep in touch. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead, but one you do wish to travel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Thanks for your input dee juliet. The main trouble is that she lives 45-60 minutes away. My partner doesnt get in from work until 6-6.30pm So the time he would get to her in the evening would be her bed time. Hence it being on a Saturday. We are working on a friday, but an hour there and hour back the poor thing would whacked out and way past her bedtime and he doesnt want to upset routine. I appreciate shes the most important thing, I always have done. I was the one that suggested she stay over at christmas and things like that so it was easier for him, so im fully supportive, im just afriad its going to come at the risk of our future together. It wouldnt be so bad if his mother didnt get involved at times either, telling us how it is, telling us when we can take holidays telling us what shes arranged (she stand the ex, thinks shes too controlling, funny that!) and its like we have to be there and if you say sorry we wanted to do this you get shouted down. You see when he sees his daughter, because the "ex" is so unreasonable he does active things with her but sometimes this is based at his mums neck of the woods as she lives in that area. She does help out, but also hinders our plans sometimes. Im just looking for a medium for all of us.. Im not a selfish person, and i have always put his daughter first, im just feeling it at the moment, as i feel our special times are no more lately... I would never ever hurt my bf, and I whole heartedly support him and his daughter, it just feels sometimes that I put myself out and no one wants to meet in the middle. Im worried that my future is being taken over because everybody knows best, and hes in no rush to change it, as Hes got me, (we do adore each other) and hes got his daughter, why should he want to change it ?
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (17 April 2007):
No, you cannot say dont see your daughter. She is the most important person in this equation. I dont mean to belittle your importance, but she is. Is it possible for him to see her one evening during the week? Again, I am looking at typical custody arrangements. One evening for 4 hours would give him some special time with her, go to a movie, go to dinner, whatever. This would be in addition to the weekend. Also, consider switching from Saturday night to Friday night. She could come over after school, spend the night and you could all do something fun on Saturday. Then she could go home Saturday afternoon and you could still have a datenight. Does any of that help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): I posted the original question. I guess i Should clear up that we pretty much moved in together a month after seeing each other. At that time his daughter was 11 months old. So no she was not pregnant when she left, and to begin he was 100 per cent hands on as she allowed this. For the years after this he didnt work for a spell so was able to see his daughter during the week. It has only just got to this point that his daughter now needs more input from his side that he now is seeing her more often, and the mother now is allowing this. So I can hardly say to him stop seeing your daughter because I need you! How can I possibly say to him, can you see her less please!? How is that fair on him, I cant make him choose to see me over his daughter, hes only seeing her the one day of the weekend, in the main the saturday and then she will stay over and he will take her home the next day. I guess i was asking how can i make this more mutual for all of us. The little girl needs her dad, I need him, but he also needs time for himself! I know you suggested that she sleep in the lounge, but thats not too practical, what with all the electricals and things like that, what if she gets up before us ? She will start to touch stuff and shes not at the stage yet where she understands what happens when things break, you know kids they will always dabble if they think they can, so what about all the electricals and things that are in the lounge ? Whens shes older we can move on to that, but for now its probably almost too dangerous for her to be left in there on her own. I think its just the fact that I cant get much sleep when shes here, so my weekends are not mine anymore, and this has all been okay for the past 4 years until now. My bloke is trying to keep the ex from having a go at him all the time, shes a witch, then hes got me going on at him, then at times his mother! So the last thing I want to do is go on more at him, its not fair on him, he can see my point but i guess in the short term there is no easy solution. But im not happy not having my weekends for the forseeable future and dont know how to tell him without upsetting him, its his daughter and would do anything for her, he would also do anything for me, but im not going to pressure him and say me or her, thats hardly fair. So i guess im kinda stuck in it, just things seem to not move in any direction and im at a stalemate :o(
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (17 April 2007):
Wow! You have a very difficult question. First off, help me with the math here. You have lived with him for 4 years and his daughter is 5. So you have lived with him since she was one year old. Did you move in together right away, cause if you got together one year after they split, are you telling me that they broke up when she was still pregnant? His ex is not really his ex now is she. They are still married. For 4 years now he has lived with you, but been married to another woman, simply to avoid conflict. I think that is all very odd, and I wouldnt like it if I were you. His daughter should be spending every other weekend with you rather than every weekend. That is the normal custody arrangement between divorced couples (but then again, he isnt divorced!) and that would give you some couple time. Every other weekend could be devoted to just the 2 of you and alternate weekends could be devoted to having fun with baby girl. That way you wont resent her being there, but can look forward to the visits with the little girl, who, for all intents and purposes is your stepdaughter. She has known you all her life and the 2 of you should really have a mother/daughter kind of relationship. When she does come to stay, she needs her own bed. She is little now, but growing every day and needs her own space. Although it is fine for her to join you in bed sometimes, (my kids still do sometimes and they are 7 and 10) it should not be the place that she belongs. I know you cant make another bedroom magically appear, but what about the living room? Could you get a fold out couch, fouton, or even a blow-up mattress?
I can understand why you want more, to be a wife and mother, not just a live in. We all want to feel that we are the most important person in the world to our significant other. And what better way to show how important we are than to marry us? The fact that he wont even divorce his ex keeps your relationship feeling somehow illigitamate, insignificant. I understand, but I am not sure what advice to give. You are basically happy in the relationship and with him. Only you can decide if you are willing to settle for less.
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