A
female
age
26-29,
*aylor Swift
writes:I have a massive crush on my professor. I assure you it's completely platonic but it's still causing me much trouble. I think there are 2 main aspects to my feelings for him:1. Admiration: He's the exact kind of person I want to be when I grow older. He's passionate about his field and he's kind. He's not just nice, on the contrary, he enjoys being a cruel professor (mostly in a playful way, think Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec), and he's a bit awkward (definitely introverted, and we all thought he hates humans at first) and doesn't like people to think that he's nice. But he is. And that's so pure. He's also extremely professional (and impersonal) in that he refuses to be friends with any student. He doesn't want to know anything personal about a student, doesn't take any gifts no matter how cheap or expensive. I wish I can preserve his level of passion and purity at his age. He's a treasure. 2. ???: When I see him, talk to him, it just feels so right. We would be talking about nothing but both of us would feel extremely amused even without joking?? (well English is my 2nd language, I'm not that good at telling jokes to begin with) It's a weird chemistry. One time I got to his office hours just to complain about having to integrate 5 times on a physics problem, and we were both grinning so hard for no reason? Like my face even hurt from that, and he seemed so happy, too. (He's kind of a happy person in general I guess.) He would start smiling in class as he goes through the material (without making any jokes), I would have a blank expression on, but he would look at me, then I start smiling uncontrollably even if I wasn't happy before. He'd grin even harder from my reaction??? He also looks at my exams first. It even seems like he's only interested in reading my exam right after, not anyone else's. He made a habit of reading my exam and make exaggerated facial expressions to let me know which problems I got right and which ones he didn't see my answer right away (well I don't usually get problems wrong), and he would give me a thumbs up to let me know I did well so I can leave. On the last exam I wasn't even the first person to turn in the exam, and a flock of people turned in theirs right after me. But when I got back to my seat I saw him literally taking out my exam from the bottom of the stack and starts reading. He was grinning while reading my exam, clearly knowing that I was watching. Ugh as soon as I walk out of his class I would start feeling depressed. This is what's causing me problem. Theoretically I could do something else to distract myself but it doesn't usually work. Sometimes I'm in such a depressed mood that I can't enjoy doing anything. Another problem is that I don't like being in the situation of a young girl wanting an older man. I don't like this desperation and his relative power over me even if this power is unintentional. Or is it? He's seen so much more than I have, he is married and he doesn't need me, whereas I really feel as if I need him and can't help but imagine what his wife is like (obviously she's also an accomplished person in a similar field, and she is extremely nice as well. From what I read from ratemyprofessor.com apparently they even have similar teaching styles. Maybe she's just a less introverted version female version of him). This aspect grosses me out. I don't like feeling hopeless. I'll even go on to say that my feelings for him are preventing me from being happy. I dream about him frequently but they are never happy dreams. Starting from last semester almost all of my dreams about him are anxiety-related, show signs of distrust (for him), insecurities (about myself), and abandonment issues. The worst one I had so far, I was in his class but I couldn't understand anything he was talking about (that was my worst fear).Anyways, please send help! Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2018): You're having a super hormone-rush and a little bout of melodrama. Hormone-surges happen with fullest-intensity in our early 20's!
You're at the critical-age when your body is still changing, adjusting to hormone-surges, and you're now an adult. Traces of your childhood still linger; thus you fantasize quite a bit. Seeing things that aren't there; and over-reading the professor's every move and expression.
You are mature enough to identify your sexual/romantic-urges, and you can focus your attraction for someone; but you also have a thing with fantasizing things out of proportion. This is totally normal in your age-group; as long as you avoid fixation, obsession, and stalking.
I think there's a little touch of daddy-issues; but I think that's also symptomatic of being away from home, becoming more acquainted with your sexuality, and your sense of entitlement is getting the better of you. Wanting the forbidden-fruit is just human-nature; you just have to get a handle on it! Before you're knee-deep in trouble; or you'll make a total ass of yourself.
You're young, fresh out of adolescence, and now a woman. You've got an overblown-crush. As soon as your mind and body can absorb your hormone-surge; and you'll learn to control your inner-drama-queen. You'll get-over the professor; as soon as a hotter-guy comes along. We've all had that college-crush that seemed irresistible. Hate to burst your bubble, but it's a little cliche.
You're not quite ready for anything deep or too serious. I think you need to focus more on your studies, and try to be more of an adult. You must control your impulses, they're not supposed to control you! That's maturity!
A
female
reader, Taylor Swift +, writes (21 April 2018):
Taylor Swift is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEh I just noticed that the title wasn't the original I posted. While the language is more mild and pleasant it is a bit misleading. I am not claiming that my obsession with him is making me depressed.
I've had problems with depression before. My psychiatrist ordered me off meds after a while but therapy didn't work, either. I think my main problem is overly harsh self-scrutiny due to bad parenting. If I were to describe the depressed feeling, I think it's more like a disappointment that I did not adequately impress him.
I mentioned that I think working harder is the best way for me to thank him, but it is hard to distinguish my motivation to show gratitude from a desire to impress him. And the latter would enable me to think in the old, and toxic way that I always did, if this makes any sense. Moreover, I would really love if I can truly work hard just for myself. Changing whom I'm trying to impress from my parents to him really isn't helpful.
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A
female
reader, Taylor Swift +, writes (21 April 2018):
Taylor Swift is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the suggestions!janniepeg, you are absolutely right he doesn't have power over me. If I don't think that he has power over me then he doesn't. And you are absolutely right that I am introverted and an international student. I have friends but not a social circle. I don't get invited to social occasions regularly but I do talk to people everyday. My problem is that nobody is willing to be my agony aunt lol, so thank you for this! As for meeting boys, I never feel comfortable enough just go talk to anyone... I'm not shy in general but there's just nothing right about how I act and how I feel around boys. I think the problem is certainly anxiety related: my superego is too strong and I tend to cover it up with indifference.Youcannotbeserious, I think you are right that his "connection" with me is a way of encouraging me to do more. He even offered to discuss with/teach me other stuff unrelated to class. When I do have the energy to think positively, I know very clearly that the best way for me to show him gratitude is to study harder. But that can be a lot of pressure, too. I am already the best in his class, I can't do any better to impress him, so I have to read and study other stuff on my own to let him know that I'm working hard... On the other hand, I also take 4 other 4-credit classes... they are not very hard but time- consuming. When I have spare time I just want to do nothing and relax... I am not reading as much as I think I should. So I never actually went to his office hours and discuss what I read which I feel really bad about...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 April 2018):
 Crushing at your age is completely natural. This will pass, trust me. It is a USEFUL emotion because you can learn, without any risk, what you are looking for in a future partner. List the qualities you like about this man (there are obviously quite a few) and, when you are ready to date, look for those qualities in guys you date. At the beginning, none of them will measure up to your professor but, in time, if you look hard enough, you will find someone who ticks the right boxes and who you admire as much, if not more, than him.
I'm not convinced you are actually "depressed" when you leave him (unless you have been diagnosed by a specialist). Rather, you feel down and sad because you miss him. This too is natural. If you ARE clinically depressed, then HE is not the cause of your depression. He just takes your mind off it while you are in his presence.
I suspect this professor sees you are more capable of great things than many of his other students. Perhaps you put more effort in than others because of your feelings for him? I suspect his "connection" with you is his way of encouraging you to try even harder and to achieve even greater things. Given his professional attitude towards his students in general, I doubt it is anything more than that. Take encouragement from it and focus on your studies as much as you can for the time being.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 April 2018):
 Your crush on your professor did not cause your depression. You were depressed to start with. Trust me, I thrive on crushing on people. I've crushed on different people for years. Sometimes they are mutual crushes but we decide to say or do nothing about it. For me, the crushes have always been harmless. In fact they enriched my life. How often can you make someone smile like that whenever you meet? Your crush offered you solace and escape. Then you're back to your real life, which is not so good I imagine. Are you an international student? Is that why you don't even think about dating where you live now?
He does not have power over you. You relinquished that power to him for whatever reason. Maybe you are introverted yourself and have trouble meeting people. Extroverted types cause you insecurity. Introverted boys might be interested in you but there is no opportunity created if you don't go out and meet them. I can feel the isolation you have if you are foreign and have no support groups. That doesn't have to be the case. Many college campuses have various associations and interest groups that you can join. Being both introverted and international can be quite a challenge. You do sound like you want experience in relationships but it got to start somewhere, and that's not from obsessing about your professor. You don't need a full on relationship right now. Just hanging out and conversing can give you experience and confidence with dealing with different types of people.
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