A
female
age
51-59,
*awdust318
writes:I don't even know where to start...it all sounds so pathetic but unfortunately it is real to me...I have had a man in my life since I was 14. We are now 45. Over the years, we kept in touch, we both married other people, it was always more of a sexual friendship. We both divorced and about a 1 1/2 years ago, we got back in touch with each other. He lives in one state and I live in another. We talked on the phone and I went home for Thanksgiving and we spent a great night together, it had been 23 years since we had seen each other and it was like no time had passed. Then he came to visit me a few times and he eventually came to stay with me for the summer, he had lost his biz and his father and needed to get away. I took care of him in every way for 2 1/2 months, he basically got to disppear and have a vacation from life. We have always called it "friend with benefits" kind of thing but we tell each other how much we love each other and he says he considers me his best friend. Anyway, after he left, I got back together with an ex boyrfriend and he had encouraged it while he was here this past summer, in fact it turned him on to mess with me at the thought of me having a boyfriend....sick, right??? Anyway, he hooked up with another ex girlfriend on FB after I got back with my ex and I could tell by the tone of the posts, there was something going on, we talked about it and he basically told me it was none of my biz, friends or not, and that I had a boyfriend so who was I do be mad?? He was right....I once again went home for Thanksgiving and spent a great night with him, cheating on my boyfriend, my boyrfriend found out, end of that relationship, my friend still calls me all the time, telling me he loves me, he misses me, but yet he is in constant contact with this married ex girlfriend that lives in another state...she has gone as far as sending him naked pics of herself...don't ask how I know that, I'm not proud....and I dont know what to do. I love him, I am in love with him, even told him that thinking that he would go away because he doesn't want a relationship...but he stayed friends with me. I am supposed to go home this weekend and he wants to see me but he is messing with this other girl on the phone sexually and the pics....why does he want to see me?? to get laid??? It's not like he can't do that without me...I can't confront him about the pics, it is none of my biz but as a friend I feel he is playing a dangerous game messing with a married woman. This man has never had a stable relationship in his life, he has cheated on both wives, he has 5 kids by 3 different women, he lies about everything, and I cant seem to get away from him. When we fight and we end the friendship, I am good, I stay away and then he calls and talks to me in that voice and there I go again. I am obsessed...it is destroying my life...and I lieterally don't know how to stop it. I am a successful biz woman, I have made a great life for myself and I am in jeporady of losing it all because I cannot understand why he has this hold on me??? I know I sound like a teenager and I am embarrassed and very down on myself for not being able to control my feelings....can someone explain to me why a married woman would send naked pics to a man? And why he will get involved in such a bad situation when I am right here, loving him.....
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female
reader, sawdust318 +, writes (10 February 2011):
sawdust318 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone soo much, you all have told me all the things that I know deep in my heart and I guess hearing them from others makes it seem more real. I never realized that the friensdip wasn't even real too....I always knew the "love" was one sided but I did always believe in the frinedship but you all have made me realize that no friend should treat another friend the way he does. When I say to myself the things I said on here about him, I wonder what was I thinking? I am better than this, I deserve better than this...and he has issues that I can't help him with. To top it all off and I didn't even put it in the first post, he is a raging alcoholic...drinks 24-7 or goes into detox. When I write all of this...I see how crazy I really am...how defeated he has made me...and those few hours and minutes of good time are not worth losing all I have worked so hard for. I have already lost enough and I can't let him do this to me anymore. I am sad...I will miss him a great deal...he has been a fixture and has now become an addiction and a bad habit...I ahve quit smoking so I can quit him...right???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Why does he want to see you??...Err, yes to get laid of course...You have shown him, time after time that he can get with you when and if he wants, and that includes whether or not you are in a relationship....Stop allowing this man mess with you...He's is unstable and will destroy your chances of finding and keeping a stable relationship, if you carry on like this with him...YOUR ASSOCIATION WITH HIM IS DESTRUCTIVE....To you as a person , emotionally, psychologically and also hacks at your self-esteem...This man is not worth your time and effort and no, he is not going to change with you...he knows he can get away with bad behaviour and will continue to bahave badly to you...You need to get him out of your life and keep him out...When are you going to learn???....Have a sit-down and talk to your self..Is this what you want? or do you get high on this roller coaster???...Forget about the other married woman or anyone he is seeing, they too are not in a healthy relation with him....You should be worried about getting yourself out on the situation , let them take care of themselves.....I dont know why you feel like you have to take such behaviour....Take control of your life with a deep resolve not to repeat your mistakes...When he calls tell him a big fat NO...If you dont feel strong enough to tell him no,dont take his calls....A word of warning though, if he sees you trying to pull away from him, he'll probably chase you like hell, be nice and tell you all the things he thinks you need to hear to get you back under his hold...DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND BELIEVE HIS LIES because that is what it is lies..He is NOT your friend...THIS MAN IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR..real friends dont treat each other with such a lack of respect, selfishness and self servitude....LOVE YOURSELF...If you can afford it, please seek some proffessional counselling...talk to someone you trust has your best interest(maybe a church member)...Find a hobby(it seems you keep hanging around waiting for your next 'hook up')...Develop yourself into the best person that you can be...Take up some volunteer work maybe to help people less fortunate..Get out there and date...When you find someone insist on monogamy from the moment you start to get serious...Never start a relationship you want to go somewhere with a friends with benefits approach...It is unhealthy and dents the chances of getting serious...Make sure you get to know any future partner before you make a decision to go to be with them, exercise some restraint and dont just go with your emotions in the heat of the moment and jump in bed with them, then assume you are in a relationship that is for real...Honey after all these years, you should know better...Learn from your mistakes..read a lot of self-help books(personal and relationship)...There are a lot available online and in book stores and most of all stay away from that loser......Remember though, it might take time to heal , so be patient with you self ..you will get through this and be over it...You just need to believe in your brighter future and do something about it...All the best, YOU CAN DO IT
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2011):
This is really hard, I know. There is no easy answer. But there is an answer, and that answer is for your to love yourself. Clearly this man has a supersize Kleenex box of issues... and they are making your miserable. The point of love is to make us feel happy, safe, loved. When love makes us miserable, its toxic. and it's not really love.
Step back. Look at this man. Yes he's very charming. But he's not there for you. He will not commit to you. from what you describe I doubt it's possible for him to commit to anyone. He didn't choose you. You have been round and round this sad merry-go-round for years and years. That works in your favor here because you KNOW without a doubt, what will happen with him. He will make you happy for a few hours and then make you miserable for months. It's not worth it. That's what I mean when I say love yourself. Choose your own happiness for the long run.
Whenever you feel yourself slipping into your obsession, stop and remind yourself. HE DIDN'T CHOOSE ME. Let the anger about that cool your obsession. And then, choose yourself.
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A
female
reader, amandab  +, writes (10 February 2011):
she is sending the photos for the excitment and can not be happy in her marraige. its easy for your friend to have this relationship as he will not have her demanding any more than sex. no commitment. he has never made a commitment to you either. maybe some of your feelings are habit after all you have known him along time. but he doesnt sound very respectful of you knowing how you feel.
this relationship is not healthy if it makes you feel like this and you maybe need to break off for good. change your number. FB etc so he can not contact you and talk you round. i once had a BF that i was obsessed with and my personilty changed and i checked up on him i became jealous and lived on my nerves but i adored him. in the end i knew i could not live like this and something had to change. it did i finished the relationship. i have never been jealous since. there was something about the way he made me feel that made me behave that way and it wasnt healthy. i think you may need to bite the bullet and end it before it drives you mad.
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