A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my bf for almost 4 years and things are ok...we argue from time to time but nothing major.i cant say im happy, more like content. hes a nice guy but i cant help feeling like im missing out on something. we dont really have a lot in common and if we go out with friends, i feel like i shouldnt be there...like i should be with someone else, someone who i have a spark with. we dont have that.we havent had sex for about 4 months..because i dont want to, although i fantasize about having sex with other men. ive never cheated, by the way. i dont know if i find him attractive (i say i dont know, but something must have attracted me to him 4 years ago) and i dont know if i love him. ive had 2 relationships prior to him and im not sure if i loved them either. will i know if im in love? i feel guilty all the time for feeling like this but i cant help it. i feel like im stringing him along while im waiting for someone better to come along. im not necessarily waiting for someone else to come along but i really dont think he is the one for me. do you think i should stay with him even though im not truly happy? (he hasnt done anything wrong, its just the way i feel. im not happy and im not sad) or should i leave him and wait for someone who i know i will be truly happy with?im so confused right now
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhiwow thank you for your answers, some great, great advice! i am 25 now, soon to be 26. i guess this was my first "proper adult" relationship. i had a 9 month relationship when i was 19 and a six month relationship just before i met him. i have never been on a date! i've met all of my boyfriends through friends of friends. wise owl, i think you're right. i wanted to be with him for the sake of being in a relationship. all my friends had partners and i wanted one too, i wanted to share my life with someone, but clearly, he's not the one i should be sharing my life with. cerberus, i wouldn't line someone up to go out with if we broke up. i think i need time on my own to be myself and be free for a while. then i can start thinking about what i am looking for in a partner. although i have had three boyfriends, i feel i am very inexperienced with men and i worry that that could hold me back if i met someone new, like i said, i have never been on a date.i am going to have "the talk" with him this weekend. i thought maybe that after four years of being with someone that it just gets to the point where you act more like friends. my parents split up when i was young so i didnt really see much affection going on when i was growing up, although they both equally gave ME affection, just not to each other. however, i realise that life and love, marriages etc are not like that. im not content, i am just comfortable. thanks again for your advice!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): You are young with very little experience as far as relationships go. For the most part; you've done the typical short-term relationships and teenage-dating that introduces us all to being in a real exclusive, and more committed, relationship.
Perhaps you may have never really fallen in-love. You feel very fond of your boyfriend and appreciate his qualities as a person. He attracted you early on when you first met. So the next step, naturally, is to be his girlfriend.
You committed to him; only because you wanted to have a boyfriend. Four years ago, you were probably 18 or 19. Like most girls that age, you want to experience having a steady and exclusive connection with a guy.
He fulfilled that commitment for what it was worth at that time. You became content with what you have. He is apparently a nice guy, and you're a nice girl; so that wasn't hard.
If you are feeling a slump or caught in a rut; maybe it is time to end this relationship.
It has completely run out of steam, and you find yourself just going through the motions. Not really feeling anything, accept being used to being with each other.
Identified by status as a couple.
Now you're becoming aware of the distance growing between you. You should feel really close and loving over the course of four years. Now life together feels like a habit or a routine. Oh, at this point; it is time to decide if you should just call it quits. It may have run its course.
You are feeling the need to explore more, stretch, and to do more dating to discover what you're missing; or to broaden your experience. Most of all, establish exactly what you need in a relationship; and the type of guy most compatible to your personality. You may be outgrowing the relationship that you have. Either that, or it just has a "friend's with benefits" feel to it. Very little emotional connection.
It's hard to tell if you're missing anything; when you've only been with only one guy. Therefore; curiosity and temptation is going to get the better of you. You can't count teenage-dating; because those last only a few weeks or months. There is very little lasting emotional connection. At that stage, you're still developing mentally and physically throughout those trial-type relationships. They're meant to be short-term.
Rather than wait until you are so tempted that you may resort to cheating; or your disagreements intensify to fighting out of resentment. Have a talk with him, and be honest about your feelings. He just might be feeling the same way. Only sticking it out. All out of complacency; and discomfort with the uncertainty of having to face single-life for the first time in four years.
Don't drag it out until something terrible breaks you apart; let him know you don't feel in-love, and may want to start seeing other people.
Once you come to this decision; don't second-guess yourself a few weeks later. Only because you get lonely, or being single scares you. Think it out first. The typical reaction is you'll start missing him; or you'll get jealous if he starts dating shortly after the breakup. You expect him to wait a while, until you get your bearings. It doesn't workout according to your plans. Just to let you know.
You don't remain in a relationship out of complacency and laziness. You both have to be getting something out of it.
When the mind and heart start to wander, that's a sign it is long past it's expiration date.
...............................
A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (23 April 2014):
Have you talked to him about this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): 4 months is a long time not to have sex in a relationship unless one of you is very ill or pregnant. That in itself is a massive sign of unhappiness in my mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Sounds like it might be time to move on, OP. You're not as content as you think you are if you're fantasising about other men and don't want a sexual relationship with him.
I think you're mistaking comfort for contentment. I'm content, I'm neither overjoyed nor sad with my marriage, although there are plenty or moments where I'm overjoyed but never any sadness or feelings I'm missing out. I'm simply in a great place of serenity and contentment, I have my needs met and meeting my wife's needs is a pleasure.
We have our disagreements too, but it feels like we get closer after each one not further apart.
Your heart isn't in this anymore. The reason you think you're content is because he's not a bastard, he hasn't done anything to wreck what you have but to you it just doesn't feel enough anymore.
OP only you know whether you should leave him or not, you're not going to cheat but mentally you are just not really in this anymore, so it may be time to give serious consideration to walking away.
Don't let the prospect of not having anyone for a while hold you back and do the asshole move of setting up another guy before you go either.
Make this choice alone and for you. take your time, OP, some people make lists, maybe that'll work with you. Pro's and con's of staying. Not wanting to be sexual with him anymore is a pretty big con, OP. It seems to me you view him as more of a best friend now than a romantic partner.
As far as the worry about hurting him, it can't be helped, but it would hurt him more thinking you stayed with him when your heart wasn't it.
Take your time and think this over. Talk to the ones you trust the most and get their perspective on things.
Just remember, staying may not be the easier option here.
...............................
|
