A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:For over a year, I have been "dating" a woman who I met at a folk dancing club, the only time I have met anyone in open play, although that was the goal of attendingHer life has been a ripping yarn, indeed she has written 3 unpublished novels. She was born in the London borough of Hillingden and brought up in Whitstable, Kent. When she was 18 she went to Cyprus where she worked as a cabaret dancer, she was assistant to a magician in Turkey, attended art college in London, worked for Chelsea girl, had a reflexology practice, a restaurant, and is an ofsted registered childminder and pre school teacher.When she was 24 she married a divorced Egyptian who was several years her senior and had 2 children from his previous marriage. I suspect that she may have been responsible for his divorce. She had 2 sons with him before he went off the rails smoking hash and weed and died prematurely. She then goes to a reggae concert where she meets a wealthy retired army officer who she travels all over the world with, nurses through dementia until death and lives for a while in his property in Spain with her children, by now she has had a daughter, who looks more Caribbean than north african, not sure if same father as sons.She then befriends an anxious poor unemployed builder in a Didsbury pub, moves in with him, and has a non mixed race son, but he is abusive to her and her children. She moves in to a council flat, and decides when she is 50 that it would be a good idea to have her youngest son educated in a french speaking country, takes him to Tunisia where she meets and marries a 29 year old penniless local builder( her eldest son was then 25), spending all her life savings on him and his family and trying to arrange for them to be together. During the Arab spring she escapes from Libya across the Sahara. On returning to England she is arrested for child abduction, charges being pressed by her son's dad and the education authority, and eventually files for divorce because of the age difference.We have been away together a few times, but not been very intimate, and she is constantly making plans for us to go away again, and sending lovey dovey messages, but she seems to befriend everyone she meets and gives them her contact details. She is always exchanging texts and phone calls with men and women, often only having met them for a few minutes, and many of them are as young or younger than her children and from different cultures. Many of her male friends seem to have hopes of being intimate with her. She loves hanging out with young au pairs and taking them to salsa discos.She has experimented with various religions, and purports to be a muslim, but she does not go to the mosque regularly, nor fast for the whole of Ramadan( she hardly eats anything anyway and is very lightweight), and has led, and to some extent still leads a hedonistic life.In some ways I envy her for being able to travel and embrace other cultures and languages, but she seems obsessional about Arabic and Islam, ill at ease with her own ethnicity. We have nothing in common except for our age and that we blame other people and circumstances when things go wrong, and are unaware of or indifferent to how our actions and words affect othersI do not know if she is a tart, naive, reckless, selfish, adventurous, lonely or affectionate. I tend to overthink, judge and try to tick all the boxes. I am unsure if should finish, discuss my concerns, or let matters take their natural course
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2021): If we were speaking of a man here, we'd say he was adventurous and well-traveled. If he fathered several children with different women, and/or had a lot of sex-partners, he's the man! Patriarchal-society would deem him extraordinarily virile; and his sexual-prowess is legendary, and to be envied. In slang-terms, he's a stud! His exploits would be considered noteworthy, and publishable material. No-one would cast aspersions or defame the reputation of a man who did everything that you described in this woman's lifetime.
Everyone has skeletons in their closets, and everyone makes mistakes! How you've atoned for your mistakes; and the quality of your character, speaks for itself.
It would be an understatement to say she has had a full and interesting life. She possesses many interests and talents; and she is an explorer. She walks the walk, and talks the talk. She has allowed herself to experience life to its fullest. Although, much of what she has done seems impulsive, impetuous, and makes no real sense to you; if compared to what society expects from women. Yet, it wouldn't raise any of the type of representations you've evoked, if she was a guy.
Here's my personal opinion. If you feel compelled to judge her negatively in so many ways, and can't seem to figure-out where to categorize her as a person; then I would think you have nothing in common.
Being the same age is an insufficient qualifier to consider somebody your match. It seems she has already been prejudged. You've been dating a year. Not sure why her past matters so much at this point? Your past doesn't change. It's either remembered, or forgotten. If written in a memoir, I guess she wants the world to know. She apparently isn't hiding anything!
From your perspective, it appears she has been thoroughly vetted. I'm not sure anybody here can tell you what you should think; when it seems clear to me your mind is already made up about what kind of a woman she is.
I would suggest you end it; if this sudden compilation of her life-history has now become a problem for you. Don't waste her time or affections, if she's not your cup of tea.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2021):
 "I do not know if she is a tart, naive, reckless, selfish, adventurous, lonely or affectionate."
She is probably a bit of all the above. Like most people.
I think it's hard to give you advice here.
You write :
"We have nothing in common except for our age and that we blame other people and circumstances when things go wrong"
That isn't much to base a relationship on.
She seems to always be looking for greener grass and more adventure, you don't.
She sounds entertaining. A little Mata Hari-esque. That, however, doesn't make her a good partner.
You have been together for a year. And you are still unsure if there is a future here? So why drag it out?
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (22 March 2021):
 You do say that you overthink, judge and try to tick all the boxes.
Yes, the lady has had a colorful past but that does not make her a tart, naïve, reckless or selfish. She sounds like she likes adventure. You only get 1 life and she as sure as hell lived it to the fullest. Good on her. If you feel that you are not combatable then tell her so, move on and let her live her life.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 March 2021):
 Wow op, you really do know a lot about her life. Is this what she has divulged to you since you have known her. Or has she just done an unpublished autobiography that you have just finished reading.
I don't know her, but I would not necessarily say she was a tart, or reckless, or selfish. She seems to be adventurous, affectionate, and embraces life and makes the most it, which is a good thing.
She has not had the best of luck in early relationships suffering loss, heartache, and disappointment, so its no wonder why she is embracing life. Maybe she has come to the realisation that life is to short to wallow in self pity wondering what happened in her life and what went wrong. Instead she is grabbing life with both hands, seeing many countries, learning languages, and meeting people and making new friends.
By your own admission you say that you have nothing in common, so maybe she is not for you from a relationship perspective. But she sounds like a great friend to have.
I think you should still keep seeing her, and let matters take their natural course.
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