A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've met a guy four months ago and we hit it off from the very start. We texted multiple times a day, every day first thing in the morning, last thing before bed. We went on official dates, slept over at each other's (had amazing sex), cooked meals together, cuddled a lot, would meet up without necessarily hooking up, sent each other romantic songs with deep lyrics (he looks more at the lyrics than the melody), went through periods of not meeting physically due to work, but he still asked me how my day was going at least three times a day. I was always open about my feelings for him, never hiding it, even told him when I was starting to develop serious feelings two months in (his response was 'you gotta be careful with feelings). Even after that, I asked him for a date on valentines, he agreed, I asked again, just to make sure he wants to actually do it, he said yes again. It turned out to be terrible, he was grumpy and I just tried to comfort him, then ended the date myself, because he clearly was miserable. He apologised through text just an hour later, saying he really appreciates what I do for him and my company and that he feels terrible about not knowing how to reciprocate the effort, that he hates valentines day, but wanted to make me, a friend, happy. We talked it out and continued hanging out. Three months in he left his toothbrush at my place and something in me snapped. I couldn't ignore my feelings for him any more and confessed. His response was 'Why?' and no response to my answer, but 'it is interesting to me'. I wanted a clear no from him, if he didn't feel the same, so I tried to talk about it a week later. He became very defensive, rational and cold in his answers, saying he warned me when I first confessed and that we were fwb all along, the songs were just songs, my views on relationships are static and that he doesn't feel the same for me and never will. He finally told me about his romantic past, his girlfriend of four years broke up with him two years ago, and he doesn't want a romantic relationship for the next ten years. That it is entirely up to me if I still want to hang out with him or not, which is not true. There's two of us and he could have walked out at any point, especially when I first told him about developing feelings, if he didn't want anything serious. That was before the point of no return, I could've prevented getting hurt. And after all that, he is still checking up on me daily, just not as often and not as eager.I've never been more heartbroken. It's the first time I've had feelings of this magnitude, I was totally overwhelmed realising that. I've only had one sexless relationship for two months before. So I am extremely confused now, that's why I came here. Can anyone make sense of this? Did I really just make up everything in my head?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 March 2021):
 Good for you.
Don't waste energy and emotions on someone who can't reciprocate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thank you so much for your advice! I've ended whatever it was that he and I had, because it quickly began to sour. I want to focus on my work and friends now :) because both are great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2021): "Even tho he acted like a coward, I feel like with time and distance (he's moving far away soon) we could become actual friends."
This is how people become frustrated and embittered. You think making "friends" is a substitute for being lovers? It's not what you wanted, and he knows your friendship is nothing but a way to keep a foot in the door.
"Fake-friendships" are for manipulation and angling. You're only fooling yourself. The minute he starts dating somebody else, you'll become jealous. You'll become resentful, and will do everything you can to be a wedge between him and her; because she got what you didn't! You'll do everything you can to compete with her to gain his favoritism. Friends will not work! Move on!
"Yet, at the same time, I feel like he's doing everything he can to make me cut him off, as if he doesn't have the balls to do it and I'm not sure if I want to burn this bridge."
You don't want to burn that bridge? What makes you think he's giving you the choice? If he's trying to make you cut him off, let-go! You can't force people to feel the way you want them to. You can hang-on,
but he's already moving-on. In-fact, he never committed to anything! He told you that you've got to be careful with feelings! You didn't listen...and you still aren't listening!
If you don't read a single word I've written; I know somebody out there will benefit and learn something. My time and wisdom is never wasted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2021): Here's a very unfortunate and painful reality, that even I have been a victim of. I will share according to my own personal-experience; and hopefully you will learn.
Sweetheart, I can say I totally feel you. I know what you've gone through, and can understand how you feel you've been misled. First-off, please don't blame yourself, or allow this to make you distrustful, cynical, or bitter. I wish I could give you a hug; but let some helpful advice suffice, or compensate for the distance.
This is a classic case of "been there, done that!" It is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You must develop your survival-skills. Toughen-up, girlfriend!
I was celibate, and did only casual-dating after my partner died of cancer. I would see people; but it was usually meaningless, or they just wanted to date somebody whom they felt would be trustworthy, had experience in a long-term relationship, and/or it was all purely physical-attraction. A couple remain friends to this day.
I finally met someone who seemed really into me. We traveled together, always had great in-depth conversations, I met his son, and friends; and we brought each-other a lot of nice presents. Ten months down the road, out of nowhere, I was invited out for a drink. "We needed to talk." I remember that dark and dreary rainy-night. I hadn't even ordered, before I was told I "deserve somebody better." You know that momentary paralysis you get when somebody says something a little shocking? It doesn't immediately register. He said something else, I recall, like "this is over." I don't recall much after the "you deserve someone better" comment. The rest came back to me later. I just got-up, went to my car, and drove home.
I let down my guard for this person. I felt there was chemistry and compatibility I hadn't known since I lost my long-term partner of 28 years. This hit me hard, and blindsided me; because there was no argument or fight to blame it on. It was just over! Dissolved in a matter of a few words.
Here's the thing. Sometimes people just want a romance. They want to be with somebody nice. They want all the trappings of a full-fledged relationship, and exclusivity. Only, there's an expiration-date attached to it. They set the timer, and run with it.
They'll share their secrets, reveal intimate things about their past relationships; and they'll make you feel on-top of the world. They'll tell you you're unlike anybody they've ever known; and they will dare to even confess the infamous "L-word." You'll play that silly game of "you hang-up first!" Exchange pet-names. Have inside-jokes, and make fun of each-other. The whole sappy romantic rigamarole, with emojis.
I totally let-down my guard. He was handsome, well-off financially, funny, charming, and very intelligent. My feelings had been dormant for so long; I didn't realize I could feel real affection anymore. I guess I hadn't let-go of my partner, I was in a prolonged period of grief and bereavement. He woke-up my dormant feelings. I am grateful to him for that; in spite of it all. He was meant for only a season.
Sweetheart, remember that he said this:
"...his response was 'you gotta be careful with feelings."
That was a warning. Mine was being told he was going to an event; that he didn't tell me about, or invite me to. In fact, he called me while enroute. I recall he had some projects he worked on; and when I offered my help, he ordered me around like an employee. While we were at a resort on vacation, he disappeared while I was asleep. There were other clues, but I just dismissed them.
Some people want romance but not a commitment. They want to date seriously and exclusively, but they don't want a long-term relationship. No responsibility for taking care of your feelings for any extended-period. They have a exit-clause, not to be disclosed before your expiration-date! You're to be the last to know!
They're just passing through; but they need to be loved and cared for. It's unadulterated selfishness, and all at our expense; and they will go from one person to the next doing this. That's how some players roll. Until they reap what they sow!
Here's another kick in the gut! I learned from a friend he was with somebody else within two months!!! My friend happened to run into my ex out with his new boyfriend; while he was vacationing in South Beach, Florida! I was slowly getting over that mess, and I didn't need to hear this. Yet it hurt! I still got over it. I came to DC, and wrote articles; while I went through my grief, healing, and recovery. I offered advice and comfort to others. While not even searching, and I met someone wonderful along the way. I found somebody much much better! He was right!
You are young. You have to learn that every great-guy you meet, and every romance isn't going to become an established relationship. They might be a spring-fling, or a passing-romance. Unlike those hot and sweaty interludes some have on an exotic-vacation, that lasts for weeks. They come and go in a whirlwind! No, these kind of flings could last for months, and even longer! Meanwhile, your feelings get attached; you have what you'll assume to be great and meaningful sex. Hence, you'll form a strong emotional-bond. Yet, there is a timer ticking in his head. He doesn't want to let you know it's only temporary; because he won't get the sex on-demand, or the undivided-attention he needs. He is more or less feeding off your affection and loyalty. He doesn't want to share you with anybody, he wants you all to himself! You're his, until the novelty wears-off!
For all you know, he's giving you all his best. In reality, he's basically practicing how to be the ideal-lover, most adept player, and skillful romancer. Being your dream-guy, and patting himself on the back for being "god's gift." Until you're hit unexpectedly with the reality that it wasn't what you thought it was! He defined it as "friends with benefits." At least he was honest. I didn't get any kind of definition for what I experienced; just a little parting-speech, and that was that. It was like walking the plank blindfolded. One final-step, and over the edge! That's all folks!
He may not be the only guy you'll like; who'll only be around but for a short season. One of these days, you may discover you're romantically-attracted for just a short stint; and suddenly decide it's not for you. Oh, and yes, there might be others who could pull the same stunt! If you jump-in with both feet, without keeping both your eyes and ears open; you'll repeat the mistake of falling too fast and too deep. You may even do all the right things, like I thought I did. Yet I still got blindsided! Such is life!
Allow things to happen in phases. You first have to learn how serious it is; but at the same-time, be prepared for the unexpected. I don't mean to be paranoid, but leave a little room for your own escape; for those situations that might feel "too good to be true!" You won't always know, but don't become embittered; because sometimes that's the way it goes in the dating-world. You live, and you'll learn. You'll like people so much, but they won't stick around; or they'll greatly disappoint you.
Take a little time to get-over the shock. Sort-out your feelings. Your feelings are going to be raw for awhile; and you're going to be super-pissed as hell. You will feel hurt, and confused. Then the sting will subside. Avoid rebound-dating! No wild-nights, or drunken whore-abouts! Keep it under control, sister! He ain't worth losing-it over!
Gradually, you'll come to yourself. You'll spring back! Of course, there will be a few flashbacks and relapses. Being so young, your youth and resilience is your greatest advantage. Don't blame yourself. Don't feel duped. It is what it is! Just cut all ties, and don't date or get romantically-involved; until you feel steady on your legs. Don't find yourself putting some new-guy through the wringer; and grinding him up in your insecurities and trust-issues! All because you haven't healed from the baggage you're dragging around with you leftover from this guy. It isn't fair. Learn to deal with and tolerate your loneliness while you heal. Vulnerability will make you do stupid or regretful things!
If you feel untrusting or leary around menfolk; you're not ready to try again yet. You shouldn't rush into anything anyway! If it happens again, fallback on what you've learned; but don't blame yourself, lest you know for sure you're at fault. Own it, if that's the case.
There is no-way to go through life without ever being fooled. We just have to develop resilience; so we can springback from it. He still taught you a lesson. That from now on, you should pace your feelings. When someone gives you a signal, or a hint; to slow your roll, or to pump the breaks! You should listen!
Maintain your dignity, don't grovel or whine for "closure" or "explanations." Take it for what it is! Don't let him return for hit-and-run sex. Dump him for good!
I wrote this to express myself during my recovery when I first came to DC:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
Thanks for your advice and insight. I'm glad I didn't make it all up. I know I have the tendency to over-interpret things and rush in (usually after 2 weeks) and the get over the rejection. I really tried to take it as slow as I possibly could this time and watch out for the red flags. I'm a bit disappointed with myself, having gone through therapy, years of self improvement and countless rejections I should have known better...i guess I'll be even more careful next time. Luckily I have a lot of practice in getting over people, I've kissed (and fucked) a shit ton of frogs ;D. And I have an amazing circle of friends, so I know I'll be fine. I'm just a bit disappointed, since I've tried so hard to be smarter this time...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers! They definitely put stuff into perspective. I've kissed so many frogs before and worked on my self for years (because I know I have the tendency to rush into things). This time I tried my very best to take it slow and look out for red flags and still got myself hurt. My whole dating history is a big shit show tbh :'D I'm kind of disappointed I made the same mistake as always, even while being extra careful. I know it's not gonna go anywhere, I'm not expecting a relationship at all anymore. I know I'll get over it and I'll be fine with my amazing circle of friends and interesting studies. Yet, at the same time, I feel like he's doing everything he can to make me cut him off, as if he doesn't have the balls to do it and I'm not sure if I want to burn this bridge. Even tho he acted like a coward, I feel like with time and distance (he's moving far away soon) we could become actual friends. For now, I'm glad I didn't make up all of it (granted, I did romanticise it big time) and I'm already in the process of detaching and moving on. It gets a little easier every time, I have lots of practice ;D and I know I could leave anytime. However for now I think I'll keep in touch, because the sex is undeniably great.
Thanks for your insight and advice! I really appreciate your help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): The secret lies in the fact that this is your first sexual relationship and this guy was fully aware that he could appear to invest some of himself in you but then do a double flip and claim it was just FWB.He never intended to be committed to you but he found you attractive enough to bed.You, however, were open to persuasion.Part of you was open to the idea of falling in love and building a future together.So with hindsight you can see that you both had different intentions right from the start.This is something you need to be clear about the next time you meet someone who sees you as attractive.It's quite possible that most guys would find you sexually attractive but that won't help you sort out a committed personality.Most guys will jump through hoops to get sex, especially no questions asked sex.But it takes a different kind of man to actually 'court' you as in seeing you with the intention of building a future commitment.As for your FWB you may find it difficult to end with him as he will always have a reason to want sex with you, so you will need to be assertive to cut away from him.Or you could change location ect if circumstances allowed it.You're going to need a lifestyle change at some stage as he is in the habit of getting what he wants simply by turning up on your doorstep.So think through your options and try to make a new plan!Being heartbroken is part of the acknowledgement process that you feel when you realise that you have wasted your time on someone who didn't deserve you.He will never be capable of understanding your feelings because he is far to busy thinking about how good he has it.So dropping him off to sniff around for another female to satisfy him would give you the chance to develop yourself to expect more from a man and to not be interested in his lane FWB approach.Things to broach in conversation with future potential partners would be topics such as 'I'm looking for a committed relationship, a one to one, maybe one day a family. I'm not into FWB friendships at all!I only want a monogamous man.I've got no time for swingers.I need a man who wants to love me forever.etc.'I'm not saying you need to say all this but these are things that should be important to you if you want an adult relationship to last.The actions that go with a person's verbal behaviour tells you quite a lot about them.Many men will agree with everything you say just to bed you but I think you are hoping to meet someone who means quite a lot more than that!And that person surely exists!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): You stroked his ego but for him he has the wall up and wants the fun without any seriousness. Nothing you say or do will change how he feels and he isn't going to suddenly realise he feels more for you.
It's absolutely nothing personal, you could be the most amazing woman but his mindset is closed off from thinking about a relationship.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, he was someone to not only learn from but also as a stepping stone to a better match in the future
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2021):
He is taking what the ex did to him out on you. All the while USING you. His ex hurt him. That isn't your fault. You are not responsible for another woman's actions. That makes him an unmitigated ass.
If he doesn't want to date seriously for the next 10 years, Wish him well, and block the snot out of him (in everything from phonenumber to social media) because there's no future here for you. You are WASTING your time.
Also, OP - pay attention to what a person tells you. If they say "you gotta be careful with feelings" with NO explanation, then you know they are TRYING to not get invested IN you emotionally. That doesn't mean I am blaming you - I'm not. HE didn't want anything serious with you but he did "pretend" to invest in you.
You are right, he could have walked away when he was told you were catching feelings. He didn't. Because he figured you would stick around a bit longer which meant he wasn't so lonely for a longer while.
Your relationship with him was NEVER about you. It was all about him and his pity party over an "evil" ex. And for you to stroke his ego - which you did by developing feelings for him.
Dust yourself off. Block him. And let it go. Be glad you found out NOw what kind of a person he is instead of 6-8 months in.
BE upfront next time you meet a guy. That you are not looking for something casual. That you want to TAKE the time getting to know him (and him you) BEFORE sex.
Don't invest in someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.
You did jump the gun with this guy. You presumed the lyrics sharing and what not had some great romantic meaning - because it DID for you. He isn't you. Di you make it all up? No, I don't think so. I think you over-interpreted things from your OWN view to make sense of him. He was a stranger (still is to a point) so you really can't know the other person so fast or deeply. And certainly not through song lyrics.
You were thinking lovely poetry and he was thinking limericks. That is how different the two of you are.
He was a DUD, OP It happens.
You might have to meet and "kiss" a few frogs (like this guy) before you meet someone of substance.
Take your time in the future. His loss 100%
Chin up!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (22 March 2021):
 With most relationships starting out, neither party communicate what they want from it because they are afraid of scaring the other person away before it can even get started.
When he told you to be careful with feelings, that alone is a warning. He told you indirectly that he wasn't interested in knowing how you feel. Men can do all the relationship stuff and not commit. Unless you spoke to him about what you wanted then everything you did together meant nothing to him.
You didn't make anything up in your head, you believed you were in a relationship because of his behaviour with you.
Be glad you've only lost 3 months and not 3 years. Let him go and when getting into a new relationship, make it clear what it is you are looking for and want.
All the best.
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