A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy 22, I'm 33. We clicked instantly with the same interests it made it easy to talk and get into hours of conversation at a time. He said he wanted to go out and we did and had a great time. We talked for hours and it felt very natural. He told me though that he has attachment issues and hasn't felt his feelings kick in for someone in a long time after having his heart broken. We said we were both looking for something meaningful. So we slept together, it was great. Then he kind of freaked out and said that he didn't feel anything after. I said well that sucks cause I thought we were getting on well and the sex was really good. So then he said ok maybe I'm being hasty and would give it another chance. So I stayed at his place and again we had a great night, conversation flowing and again amazing sex. Though he admitted my sex drive seems to be higher than his. Saying he found it amusing. He is busy with university and said he will be busy over the next few weeks. Told me that he is only seeing me and wants to keep it that way. But some days he is really quiet, others less so but it's not the same as before. It leaves me wondering a lot but I don't want to pressure him. I tried initiating some dirty talk and he was not reciprocating as it was late and he was tired he said. But I want to feel wanted and desired. It confuses me. I find him so attractive and I like everything about him. He's not romantic, doesn't enjoy kissing and cuddling which I know some people are like that. But I don't know how to feel about where I stand. I'm not sure what to do. It's early days so do I just keep going as is and not apply pressure? I'm used to guys obsessing over me so this is new to me.
View related questions:
kissing, sex drive, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (1 November 2021):
You fell for his bullshit, hook line and sinker. He told you straight up he has attachement issues and has not felt anything emotionally for anyone in a long time. Why one arth would you sleep with him? Sex to woman is emotional. Did you think by giving him some passion you could ignite soemthing in him?
Why are you messing around with a young guy his age anyway? Wish him well and move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): "We clicked instantly with the same interests it made it easy to talk and get into hours of conversation at a time."
This is priming the pump. If he can hold your attention for a minute, he knows you're interested. The longer the better. Sex came very easily, and you've awarded him his "player's certificate." The idea of sex with an older-woman is intriguing and sorta "porny." He didn't really pretend, he just tossed out the bait; in case you were interested in a boy-toy.
"He told me though that he has attachment issues and hasn't felt his feelings kick in for someone in a long time after having his heart broken."
Let me translate this for you. "If you're up for a fling, I'm game! Anything beyond that; don't get your hopes up, lady!"
"Then he kind of freaked out and said that he didn't feel anything after."
Translation: "Like I told you before, I'm game, but don't get your hopes up!"
"Told me that he is only seeing me and wants to keep it that way. But some days he is really quiet, others less so but it's not the same as before."
Translation and analysis:
He'll show-up when he's feeling horny. He knows you're a sure thing; and he doesn't have to go prime another pump. Sex is on the table, and he'll stick around for as long as it is. Until he's bored with it, then he'll move on.
If all you're looking for is some casual-sex; that's all he's offering. He didn't really pull the wool over your eyes; and I think you're pretty much aware of what's going on. You only wrote DC to make sure.
If you have this gut-feeling this school-boy is yanking your crank or pulling your chain? You're right!
"Let's play, but I don't wanna be your boyfriend!"
He probably doesn't want to explain you to his friends and parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 October 2021):
 You are a 33 year old woman, hence an adult. He is a 22 year old boy, still a child (given that males usually take longer to mature than females). He is also still at school. He has different priorities in his life than you do. You are at very different stages in your life. You are looking for commitment, he is definitely not. Don't listen to what he tells you; words are cheap. Look at his actions; they are not as easy to fake.
He enjoys talking to you because you have a lot in common. He does not enjoy kissing or cuddling you. He even finds the sex challenging. I have to wonder whether he didn't bother kissing and cuddling with other girlfriends, or whether it's just you he keeps at arm's length. I bet if you said you wanted to still see him but not have sex with him, he would be delighted/relieved.
The "broken heart" excuse is as old as the hills and the oldest trick in the book. It has two purposes: (1) as a reason/excuse not to commit and (2) it makes the partner try harder to help heal the alleged hurt. You are not his therapist or his mother. If he is having problems "feeling", he should not be dating; he should be working on sorting himself out so he is fit to have a new relationship, instead of dumping his baggage on someone else.
Do yourself a favour and find yourself someone who is at the same stage in their life, who wants to enjoy EVERYTHING about your relationship. Stop trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It is NEVER a comfortable fit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 October 2021):
 Eh, sounds like he is really looking for a f-buddy. He seems emotionally stunted or... he is on the spectrum and doesn't really know how to be a partner in a relationship.
My advice? Wish him well, and move on to someone who is willing and able to GIVE you what YOU need and who WANTS to get to know you and be with you. You are 33. He is 22. His darn brain isn't even fully matured yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): Pull right back and see what happens. Stop initiating anything.
My first thought though is that he is a player, who uses the 'I've been hurt' line to be able to have sex and get his sexual partner to expect nothing from him in terms of commitment.
The last sexual encounter I had was with a man I liked very much, everything about him, and he used the self same line and had sex with me, without me expecting any emotional attachment from him in return. I realised this and went with it and decided to just enjoy his company anyway.
It was only when I realised that there a string of exes, all of whom he seemed to treat in this casual manner, that I felt a bit as if I'd been had (no pun intended).
This might be the same kind of scenario, it might not, but whether he's being truthful or not, the fact remains that you want him to be someone he isn't. At least not for you. He's still pretty young, esp a male because they take so much longer to mature than females. AND he is at uni, so probably doesn't want to tie himself down to one woman.
Either way, I'd stop getting in contact and see what happens. If I were you, I wouldn't expect anything to happen that you would like, i.e. a more emotionally committed relationship and a more constant connection. I think he's made it pretty clear, he's not up for that.
...............................
|
