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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 54 years old and my divorce was final at the end of June 2005 (married for 30 years). I met a 23 year old in May 2005 and we got engaged in sept 2005. She lost her father in Febuary of 2005. I think it's love but I'm not sure and I also love another woman who has been in my life for 6 years and has been there for me thru everything even now. When I look at the future I don't see the 23 year old I see it with my best friend. Why do I feel I want to marry this 23 year old and will it last? She says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Is she mature enough to know this? She told me she wanted kids and after I told her I didn't she changed her mind to she doesn't ever want to have children. Is this relationship going to work?
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male
reader, rodney +, writes (20 February 2006):
I hate to tell you this, but this is called MID-LIFE CRISIS
You better be rethinking what you are doing before your ship sinks. Take your best friend who has stood in your conor for the last 6 years, I know because I'm there, and I'm glad she's standing by me too. Our relationship has never been this strong before and to think I almost lost my BF for a 26 year old. GET OVER IT.
A
female
reader, sallygirl +, writes (19 February 2006):
I'm sure you are both wonderful people but I have to tell you that you are playing a dangerous game. I can tell you that she is playing you and saying everything you want to hear because you are paying attention to her. At age 23 being a young lady she still has a lot of life to explore with someone closer to her age who can be truly honest and sincere about life, kids and a family. I don't care if she agrees now about not wanting kids but give a couple more years and things will change. Let me ask you one question did she tell you that if this marriage doesn't work out that she doesn't want anything of yours that you walked into this marriage with? I bet she did because that is what I did. Thank god he broke everything off and severed the ties I was hurt in the begining and thought life ended for me but after time went on and now that I am married with 2 children and a man that is only 2 years older than me I look back and can't believe how desprate I was to have someone care about me. I looked at him as a father figure (my father walked out when I was 14 yrs old)
but I thought I was in love. The best thing you can do is let her go and go for the best friend she is probably more genuine of a person and knows what she wants. GOOD LUCK
I use to be that 23 year old.
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A
female
reader, Maloletka +, writes (19 February 2006):
 O my goodness.... Are you sure that you are 54? YOu dont seem like... I think that man of your age should look for woman who is at least 40... You shouldnt look for a girl, but for a woman. Who is more mature, and who will really love you... I think that that 23 year old girl is kind of too young for you... The most awful think can be that she dont really loves you... SOme girls want to be loved, she meet you at this point, but maybe she doesnt likes you back... She needs to be loved, she needs someone... But maybe she dont really knows what she needs....
Of course, i wish you all the best... Dont hurt each other, find the way in which two of you would be live happily after,,, even if separatly....
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A
male
reader, Ben +, writes (19 February 2006):
DON"T DO IT!!!!! I was in the same spot you are right now, except she was 27 and now it is 3 years later and we are divorced and I am a father again at age 58 paying child support. I thought I was in love with her but I learned that it wasn't love it was all about control and trying to make her life better (I thought I had to save her). We even went thru the child issue and when I told her I didn't want kids she hesitated and then agreed with me ( I should of seen the signs then that this relationship was based off of me being a hero and her just wanting a father figure. Take it from someone who has walked this path, let her go find someone closer to her age who can offer a full family and stick with the women who has been your best friend for 6 years obviously her heart is in the right place because she is still standing by your side. a generation age gap does not work well at all. Go get your best friend back before you lose her completely!!!!Wish I would of known this 3 years ago then I wouldn't have to pay child support till I'm 76!!!!! (this is my 3rd divorce and last one) ben
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (18 February 2006):
 Stick with your best friend, this young girl is infatuated with you, nothing more, she sees you as a stable father figure type and believe me it will not last.
The age difference does not come into this, it is the fact that she shows her immaturity in saying she wants kids then doesent when you say you dont, she just wants to please you and that is no basis for marriage.
Your best friend sounds like your true soul mate so finish it with the 23 year old and woo the friend.
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A
female
reader, dappled-dragon +, writes (18 February 2006):
i think you need time to realise what you want! you were married for 30 years have some breathing space!! don't rush straight in after being in a long term realshionship it feels strange to be on your own or not part of a partnership it takes time to adjust we get used to one way of life and when it ends we miss it however good or bad we are creatures of habit. i would suggest slowing things down
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A
male
reader, GLforever +, writes (18 February 2006):
 I don't think her age really has anything to do with it.
You have been divorced for eight months, and it seems to me that you owe it to yourself to take a slow, methodical look at the whole issue of another marriage.
You wrote: "She says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Is she mature enough to know this?"
Well, she probably is mature enough to know that. BUT, the more relevant question would be "is she being honest with herself?" I get the impression that she is not.
Like the first poster, I would be extremely worried over her willingness to quickly change her mind regarding an issue as important as children.
Go slow. Live together for a year and play like you are married. See how it is working after a year. You should know that being married will not solve or fix or prevent any of the problems that trouble relationships. If it is not working after a year, then you will probably both be happy that you didn't rush into marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I am sure you are a wonderful guy and I really question this young woman's sincerity. If she's young and greatlooking, you may be feeling a bit overly charmed by her youth and haven't really thought this through. She sounds like a goldigger. This is going to sound rude, but I have to ask it. Do you have a lot of bucks? It sounds like this girl is 'bending over backwards and acting almost waaay too accomodating". To change her mind so readily over an important issue as having kids..strikes me as odd behaviour. Something doesn't sound right here. I would be wary...lots of young,greedy woman out there looking for the cash, hon. Go with the best friend because a great friendship is the best way to begin a loving, devoted relationship. Sorry if I offended you, but it had to be said.
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