A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just unintentionally found out my boy of 3 years (rarely) wanks to the memory of having sex with his ex. (She was his first, and he says he's totally over her - they have no contact)He said it's just a different type of sex, where as we 'make love' it was just sex with her.I think it's weird, but he claims he asked his friend and he said he does it too.I'm pretty floored by the whole thing, I'm really not sure how I should react. I just want to know what other guys out there think.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 He's the only one to tell his partner and to do it this obviously. He needs to clean up his act. If he wants to fantasise about her, you don't want to ever know about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): I found out by accident, google auto fill. He googled her name and looked at a pic of her, I looked to see when and it was inbetween looking at pics of porn.I asked, he told.I can understand random porn, everyone needs to get off to something, but memories of his ex makes me feel like a sexual failure. Especially 3 years down the track. That been said, I'm his second girlfriend and 7th or so sexual partner. Weird thing is he said the sex we have is better and it was just different with her? He said he feels bad, and knows he's let me downbut doesn't think he's the only one to do it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 April 2010):
Alright, how did you find out? Did he tell you and does he only imagine her or does he have pictures of her or videos that he uses? If it is just in his head, and he already asked his friend if he does the same, and he told you all innocently, then perhaps he's just gullibleenough to think that this is proper.I mean we all fantasise about things, and just because he doesn't have anything better to fantasise about doesn't mean what he's doing is wrong. He just made an error of telling you. However, if he does have pictures or the like.. ehrm, disturbing. Tell him that this is NOT okay, and that if she doesn't mean anything to him he should find something else to wank off to. Buy him a porn or something. What he's doing comes off as weird only to us who can't stand our ex's. If what she was to him was just a sex symbol, then I get why he wanks off to her. If I didn't hate my ex's so much I might have fantasised about them as well. Thing is though that its highly innapropriate to tell you. It's also highly innapropriate when he is in a relationship to masturbae to pictures of his ex. Simply because it hurts you! And it is degrading for you! And he should have respected that.I say let him off the hook, he sounds like he's just gullible and didn't get the proper conduct. Let him know this is not okay and let that be the end of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This probably ranks just below calling you by the ex's name during sex. It *might* mean that he has lingering feelings. But probably not.
Someone mentioned a highlight reel. I haven't been with anyone new for 25 or so years, so believe me I treasure that highlight reel. The ex who pops up in that reel from time to time is someone who I thought I loved at the time, but with whom I had a lot of the best sex of my life (and some of the worst, too). I don't pine for her at all -- breaking up with her was one of the most emotionally healthy things I ever did for myself. Haven't seen her for years, and would cross the street to avoid her. But I *do* occasionally get off to some memories with her.
As a rule we keep the contents of that highlight reel to ourselves. In part that's because whatever helps you get off is pretty incidental to the important stuff of making a life together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): My boyfriend masturbates to his ex, and porn too.
I used to be very bothered, in fact, hurt, by this. Now I choose to let it go on the basis of being human and imperfect. I wish he wouldn't, but there are too many other areas of life to put my stress in.
Then I realized the ex-masturbation is because of conditioning; almost everyone has a highlight reel, a go-to for top stimulation ideas. As life builds on itself, we add to and take away from that highlight reel.
True love is built a day at a time and one small interaction at a time. If your sex life with him gradually upgrades, your boyfriend should naturally transition from perceiving the grass is greener elsewhere; it kinda plays along the Outta Sight Outta Mind theory. He may always think of her from time to time because life is like that; whether it was a top sexual experience, or a great picnic in the park or whatever, we all have that line up, and sometimes as life gets better, the new priorities exchange out some of what we thought was so important to be replaced with current and better stuff.
During the development of a relationship, the other guy always brings in habits for survival and pleasure, and it really takes time and work to replace previous habits with new ones.
I think it's a day at a time, transitioning with patience and caring. I say be lovingly open and honest about what you think and want; even if you're hurt, nicely say it. One possibly effective review question is to gently ask him what he thinks of you rubbing one out to your most favorite ex.
It's great your guy even disclosed this. Some husbands go to their grave never giving up the Man Code Of Silence.
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A
female
reader, terrifenby  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 If i found out my man was masturbating over his ex...well i dont think i could put on here what i would do! lol! It is totally different to celeb porn. This is more intimate. Tell him you dont like it. Or get shot! Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, annette88 +, writes (16 April 2010):
l think that maybe he's trying to provoke a reaction out of you. maybe to make you jealous. l dont see any reason why anyone would tell their partner what they think about when they masturbate. That's just plain insensitive and l would be deeply hurt. Turn the tables and tell him how good one of your ex's were and how that gets you off. See how he likes that!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 April 2010):
I'd say doing it to a celeb is one thing. To be doing it to his ex suggests maybe he isn't totally over her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): ok i see why that bothers you. but i dont see the problem with that. he is not cheating, just shows that he has an active mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Porn stars are okay. Celebrities are okay, even random people you see on the street (if you can remember them) are okay.
An ex, who he has been intimate with. Not okay.
How did you find out btw?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): I have to say, I occasionally wank to the memory of some of my ex's too. I am in a very happy fulfilling relationship with someone now (long term relationship) and I am completely happy with our sex life.
I do feel it is probably not the best thing to be doing (I do it very rarely) And for me at least, it is not a sign I ever want to be with them again, they were just good times!! Like your boyfriend it was definately more a feeling of having sex but with my current girlfriend always feel like a sense of us making love together.
Maybe you could turn this around and say something like "You know what you were saying about something thinking of having sex with your ex. Is there any particularly way you want to fuck me?" That way perhaps you could explore something together with him. Just an idea!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Well, I also think its weird, more weird than fantasising about some celebrity or other.
As for how you should react, I don't know, I do know that I wouldnt be taking it as a compliment, nor would I be comfortable with the idea.
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