A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my bf of almost 2 years recently proposed to me. It's not that I wasn't happy to know that he feels so strongly about me, it's just that there's a few things keeping me from saying yes. I've been 'engaged' once before when I was younger. I use the term loosely because even though there was a proposal, after the fact it didn't really go forward from that. Besides all that, my family completely flipped out. Some called me names, some stopped talking to me. There was more to it than that, but I'd rather not explain anything worse. It put me in a really bad spot. The guy I had been engaged with turned out not to be so great, so I understand why my family was upset, but I feel like they went a little overboard with just how nasty they were about it. Because of that, the idea of getting engaged to someone again terrifies me. A lot of my friends have been getting engaged, and everyone is so happy for them, that it's very upsetting to think I wouldn't have that from my family. My family really does mean a lot to me, so their opinions matter.The other thing is that I was already unsure about my current relationship with my bf to begin with. It feels like it's just a physical one, because we don't really do much else but that. I find myself wanting to spend more times with my friends or even alone because I know what's going to happen, and I don't like doing nothing else but having sex. We see each other once a week right now, sometimes twice. We don't live together, and I feel like we haven't done nearly as much together as normal couples would. The idea of marriage, we've never even talked about. And when he asked me, I was already majorly stressed from other things in my life, that I didn't even want to think about it. It took him 2 hours of my pleading and having a panic attack to let me not give him an answer right away.It's been a week now, and I feel like he was giving me so much extra attention. He was really pushing me to say yes. When he asked to come over and see me I said yes, but I asked if we could please not get on the subject of the proposal, because I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. He did nothing but sit there the whole time we were together, didn't say a word to me, kept his arms folded, etc.I'm not trying to hurt him, but I really don't feel like the both of us are ready to be engaged. I also feel like if I tell him I'm not ready, he'll just get super pissed. But I don't think it's fair to either him or myself to say yes just to make him happy. Am I wrong to feel that way? I don't necessarily think that saying not right now means it has to be the end of the relationship, but with just seeing him..he's giving me that vibe. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it was going to be this long, but help?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2016):
 I agree with Ivyblue,
If you are not ready you are NOT ready. And that should be OK. I do think most people have an idea after 2 years of dating whether they can see themselves with their partner long term or not. But given your past experience with an engagement I don't blame you for being unsure, of both the current relationship and for how your family might react.
Then of course there is his attitude. The whole pouting thing because you don't want to "discuss" it - it's so childish of him and a bit manipulative. Maybe he was hoping if he acted all mopey you would give in to keep the peace.. And that is the LAST thing you should do.
YOU do need to sit him down and explain why you haven't given him an answer yet.
What is the reason you two don't see each other more often and how come all you do then is have sex? You don't go out together and do things? It's just weekly sex? That also needs to be approached.
It can be that you already know he isn't "IT" for you, and if that is the reason... then why keep dating?
A
female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Reading your thoughts and I instantly feel that you tend to second-guess yourself. That is usually the case when you have an over-critical family and get into situations when they turn out to be right. But I think you are honest, intuitive, and have a good head on your shoulders. All you need to do is to learn to trust yourself. Start with your current beau. If you are still willing to work it out, communicate openly with him your thoughts. If he's mature enough to understand where you're coming from, begin engaging in activities that would nurture your bond. Otherwise, it would be best to go your separate ways. You're young. Don't rush. The best is yet to come.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 From his point of view: He must be feel hurt and rejected at the moment. Some men assume that women are after a marriage and family at all cost when this isn't always the case. I applaud you for being honest with yourself and with him. Relationships are better with truth. I agree with you that a "not right now" shouldn't be the end. But does he understand some of the reasons why you'd like to hold off on such a commitment? He might, perhaps think that it is all due to him, but obviously, there's more going on. If he wants to be your husband, he's got to be able to take off the boyfriend hat and also be a friend. Instead of focusing so much on his feelings by sulking etc. he should be able to calmly talk about you about this-not to convince you into anything but to get an idea of how you feel. You, in turn, should also be able to share things with him. You can't "not talk" about a topic that clearly means a lot to him. When you feel ready, please open that topic. Communication is SO important. From what you have said, I do not think he's ready either. It wouldn't hurt to take some time and grow more as a couple. Take some trips together, classes, go to outings etc. Or as Ivyblue suggested, move in together first and see if after a year of that, your connection is better. What's the rush? If he can't understand that, he's not the guy for you. Marriage is a big commitment, it goes further than the ring, the dress and the papers. A friend of mine has been with his "wife" for over 28 years, never married but so happy and in love, people love being around him. His wife has been seriously ill-so has he within the relationship; he has a stepchild, they're from different backgrounds and don't make a ton of money. Those are all factors that would strain any relationship but they've made it through because they cared enough about each other to go through all these things-and more and it has paid off! Take your time and enjoy the good things life has to give. All the best.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Ah, I believe it ends up being just sex because you see each other so rarely. If I saw someone only once a week or maybe just twice, I'd probably be humping them too the little time we had together.
Why can't you see each other more often, and go on dates and actually spend time together not having sex?
You also need to tell him what you wrote to us. That you were engaged one time before, and received terrible feedback from your family, and that you are also not sure if this is the right time for you in the relationship, that you want to spend more time with him and hang out as a couple before you make such a commitment. It's all fair to say.
But right now you're leaving him hanging and it's unfair to expect him to not talk about the proposal or ignore it. His life, basically, is on the line here, and you expect him to just brush it off? The man needs an answer, whether it be yes, no, or maybe in the future.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 If you are not ready...then you are not ready and that is PERFECTLY OK. To be honest i would have to question if I wanted to marry someone who would sulk and make me feel bad for saying that anyway. There is a big difference between saying NO NOT EVER and NO, not yet. 2 years together is a while yes but not when you are only seeing each other weekly. How do you feel about living together first? If you want to see the real dynamics of what married life can look like I'd be having a think about that first. Be truthful when you talk to him and that you want to grow together more as a couple etc and stick to your guns. Should he make an unreasonable fuss you could tell him that his reaction has just confirmed that you have made the right decision as he needs to show a bit more maturity before marriage.
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