A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early thirties and never been married and happy about that. Anyways, I might get married someday but I'm still not very interested in having kids. I'm afraid of pregnancy and I think kids are annoying. I've had health issues in the past and generalized anxiety and I think pregnancy is only a terrible (OMG my friend just called me right now to tell me she's pregnant for the first time and she's my age. Could this be sign?) disease in which you are condemned to suffer and be deprived of medication for a long time; even more if you decide to breastfeed. Also, you have lots of pressure from lots of people who will be making me more anxious.That and the fact that I'm easily annoyed by noise contributes to the fact that I'm not interested in having kids.I have a niece and nephew and I have to live with them meanwhile my sister works mon-fri and I know how much kids annoy me. I enjoy playing with them and I laugh a lot with their things but don't see myself with one (or more kids) 24/7. I just want to know how interested in having kids are men in general. My question is: Do all men wish to have kids nowadays? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): The hispanic question poster,
Daniele thanks again for your time and point of view. I understood and appreciate much the points of view of people here. Each and everyone of the responses helped me to see things on a better perspective and that was my objective.
By the way, I didn't think you particularily were imposing your own ideas on your answers. I'm a regular anonymous agony aunt here and I know the way you answer the questions. And I knew already you were mexican. BTW It has always been my dream to go to Mexico.
Anyways, I've thought of various things while reading the different posts.
I believe my major concern here is what you said (Daniele) there are not much men who want to get married AND NOT have children. And if we add my additional criteria it makes it much more difficult to find that soul. But I'm a christian and I believe God has someone for me and I think I'm physically attractive (LOL) so I hope that helps.
I don't necessarily expect to marry another PhD or a MA, MS, MBS (by the way, I already have a MSP) I just want him to be succesful at what he does. Believe it or not.
At my church I have some older admirers whom I think are not interested in having kids because they already do. I think they are divorcees and/or widowers (don't know if that's the right word) but I'm not interested in them since they are too old for me. Plus, I want to be alone for a while; plus, I don't want to get married soon and they do.
(But I believe I will marry before I get the Ph D)
I prefer hispanics but that's not the most important thing in the world for me. He could be from another ethnicity.
Daniele your insight is interesting. It's very valuable for me because I feel I have no 'real' friends at the time, and my family would only try to impose their own beliefs and thougths on me (that's why I don't care about what they think about this situation) so I have practically no one to talk to about this situation of mine.
Blessings. Have a nice day/night/afternoon.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 Yes, poster: I understood your question. You wanted to know where you stood with respect to men. And I think that we gave you a possible answer. There will be some men out there who will find it just right that you don't want any children. Most men will not. Whether those men have narrow or primitive ideas, they want to impose their own points of view, whatever, is not relevant here: you asked a question about what "men" will feel, and you got some answers. "Men" being defined as "human beings with a penis", not as "human beings with certain ideas".
I'm afraid that we're missing the point here. This is not a debate whether a woman (or a man, as Salad Barbarian) MUST have children, or whether you're selfish because you don't want any, or whatever. This was a question about how "men" feel about having children, and you got your answers. As only too often in this site, people get answers they don't like (myself included), and other posters find that the answers don't match their beliefs, and a debate ensues. Debate that doesn't help the poster.
And, now that I know that you're Hispanic, and you're getting a Ph. D (which is very good) and prefer Hispanics as partners, I can better relate to your situation, as I'm Hispanic, too. I will ask you a question: how many Hispanic men don't want children? You and I know that not too many. I know for a fact that Hispanic Ph.D's, like their non-Hispanic peers, tend to have fewer children or none at all. But, much to our regret, the number of male Hispanic Christian (NOT Catholic, like most Hispanics) who don't want children is small. You have used too many variables to define who you would marry. And, since you will be a Ph.D (and, again, I'm glad you will), and, like many women, you won't marry down, most likely you won't marry a manual worker, like many Hispanics in the US. And then you will be like 40 when you finish your Ph.D. I wonder if you will find many male Hispanic Christian Ph.D's who won't want any children and would marry a 40 something (by the way, I think that women are best in their late 20's to 40's, but not many men agree with me). You have sort of reduced the pool of men who YOU would marry. We might think whatever we want about it, but that's the hard fact.
It's not that I'm imposing my ideas; I'm just stating the facts. I don't have a personal interest in this, because, like I said, I don't even know who you are, I don't live in the same country as you, and I'm not Christian. By definition, I'm out of your list. And I'm pretty much in your same situation. I thought people would notice that.
Decisions often have unexpected results. I'm just saying what those unexpected results are. I don't have a personal interest in your having kids or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): I'm the original poster of the question. I don't know if someone is going to read this but thanks for all your responses and the time you took to discuss this concern with me.
Frankly I believe the majority of people try to help and some try to impose their beleifs just because they cannot understand why somebody can't think like them; like the male 'anon' who wrote below and signed as 'Cow'.
I certainly would never want to have kids just so people would remember me by. I will be starting my Ph D in August and I will have my own office in a few years and I'll be a succesful Doctor and I really don't care about what people think of me in the future (or now).
When it comes to being 'selfish' What do you mean by that? How can someone be selfish when it comes to someone who doesn't even exist? Like who cares if I don't have a child ever? I'm the architect of my own life. I chose the way I want to live it and if it doesn't affect another negatively I will do it (or not do it) without a doubt and without regrets. And Abortion? That really pissed me off! It shows you are very young and disrespectful. I don't have to clarify this to anyone ever because I just don't, but I'm a christian for your information and abortion it's an obvious crime. You do the math if you know something about the Bible.
Absolutely no insecurities here as to if I should or not (have kids). I won't do it if I don't want to and really don't care about what others think because what others think is generally wrong and nobody gives me nothing so Why care? I'm not asking if I should do it or not like if I was insecure.
I do care about how many men are there who don't want children just to see where I'm standing. Anyway, I wouldn't marry a non christian man and I prefer them hispanic like me so answers may vary within that diverse group.
My ex fiance thought exactly like I do and was OK with having just one or none.
Daniel Pew, I understand Madonna and Halle Berry's change of heart but they are millionaires. They can afford their kids education and nannies just so they can relax themselves when they are well into their 50's and beyond. They don't have to worry about their kids' future and wonder if their health will let them keep working to provide for their kids until they're out of college.
Thanks everyone.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 March 2008):
Oh, and by the way, the poster has not complained about my post. What she said was, and I quote,
"I just want to know how interested in having kids are men in general. My question is: Do all men wish to have kids nowadays?"
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 March 2008):
Well, I respect other people's points of view. Yes, there are people out there who live happily without children. However, I thought the poster would appreciate other points of view, as well, not only those that go in line with hers.
I understand that women want to be women and don't want to be criticized for their decisions, and don't want to be as "mothers only". I respect that, as it's their problem.
By the way, I'm 38 and have no children. People got tired of asking whether I'm gay, suggesting I am, or speaking in low voice about what my sexual preferences can be, because where I live a man of 38 without children is such a rare animal. People are "right" in suspecting me because, in my society, only gays don't have children. Or infertile men. Or the absolutely impotent. Where I live, if I tried to marry a girl in her late twenties, or early thirties, and I said I don't want children, I just would never marry. And I think I wouldn't shoot the messenger, because those are the hard facts. Yep, I could complain a lot about society, but that would still be my reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): I definitely don't want kids and I'm not alone. There is an entire community of childfree people out there. If you want I could point you to several online groups of people who don't want children ever.
Ignore all of those below who have said: 1) you'll change your mind, 2) your selfish 3) you have to carry on your genetic legacy". People have told me the same things and I responded:
1) No, I won't change my mind. Would you say that about any other decision I have made?
2) Having a child to fit in with the group and not because I really wanted one is selfish.
3) Eugenics is a dead science.
Sorry if I went off on a bit of a rant but seeing your decision attacked like that just ticks me off. In closing the answer to your question is: NO! Not all men want kids.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 March 2008):
No, not all men want kids nowadays. But a substantial number do, and so I would recommend you to speak very clearly and firmly about this with any man you get involved with. Be very direct and let him know that you won't change your mind. You don't want him unjustifiedly accusing you of not laying all the cards on the table.
I respect your decision not to have children. And, even if I didn't, it's none of my business; it's up to you whether you want to have kids or not. And you and I are not a couple, so I don't have any personal interest in your having kids or not :-). And then I need to add that I don't have any children myself. But I have to agree with Lazy Guy. And I have to say that this is not a "personal opinion", but a mere listing of the hard facts. And I'm sure that he isn't saying that by way of punishment for your ideas, just as I am not. The point he is making, which I agree with, is that you need to know that your decision has an effect on people, and so you should know what to expect, what sort of men will be interested in you, et cetera.
Ask_oldersister has mentioned some cases of happily married couples, and I have personal proof that such couples do exist. Where I live, there's this twenty-something male celebrity involved with a forty-two female celebrity, who happens to have four children. And I personally know of some cases of women who chose not to have any children, and didn't, and found men who didn't have children either; my aunt, for example. I'm talking about a country with Third-World population growth, where it's not that rare to see girls of 13 already with babies. However, I would say that the number of happily childless couples is not great. And the number of couples where no party has children must be even smaller.
The possibility is there. Just don't count on having too many interested men around you. And also be open to the possibility of finding men who have children of their own, who you will ultimately need to put up with, too.
I also would like to point out that there have been many women who didn't want children in their early thirties, and later became very much interested in having them. Take Madonna and Halle Berry. I mention this because you could marry someone who DOES NOT want children, only to find, later in life, that you want one yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Personally, kids can be terrors. But do really think you were any different?
Eventually you will not be remembered at all unless you have siblings or offspring to carry on your memory. You will die forgotten and it might as be as though you never existed at all.
Can you seriously not want at least one child to carry on your genetic legacy? To carry on your family name? Or are you really so selfish as to think that kids are annoying and nothing else.
It seems to me that you are just a teency bit of a control freak and need to let the heck go. I mean you'd abort a child too wouldn't you? I'm betting you would.
Cow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I'll admit kids can be fun but can be also stressful. Once you have kids, you MUST take care of them and be responsible for them for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!
I've done and just about finished with it. At my age, would I want to do it again? No! If I were a rich man, I'd probably hire someone to take care of most of it.
I'm sure there are guys out there that have other interest, and kids not being one of them. You will need to find this out fairly soon, because afterwards, if he wants kids, he may whine allot if he doesn't get any. The other side is to find someone who has already had kids, probably a divorcee.
In closing; Just remember, that at one time, you were a kid to. Don't know if you were annoying (LOL) but we all were dependent kidsat one time.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Probably not a question you should answer after watching "to catch a predator".
Sorry, bad taste.
No, not all men do but I would think that the group that seeks a long term relationship would also include a lot of the group that wants kids.
The group that wants to both marry and not have kids can't be that large.
Basically, if you don't want kids, fish in the pool of players. Be prepared for a lot of mails from women who want to know where you find all these men who want kids.
There are men out there who feel the same about kids, but don't count on them putting a ring on your finger.
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