A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not in love with my husband and want to leave but don't know how. He has become a perfect father and husband but I am not in love. We've known each other for 12 years and have been married for almost 10 years. Right from the start, he was in love with me and moved from a different country (where his life was great and his future was bright) to be with me. I felt overwhelmed by his "devotion" and obliged to make him fell happy and loved. That was a mistake because I have never been in love with him. Right from the start. I know we were not compatible. I have had our ups and downs, but for me a lot "downs" than "ups." We have often had fights because we have different ideas on almost everything, including happiness. However, as I had said, I have always felt obliged to make him happy and to feel loved, and I have always tried to calm things down after each fight. Then we decided to have a baby. (The idea of divorce had never entered my mind until our baby was born almost 2 years ago. ) During the first few week of our baby's being born, we got into yet another fight and for the first time, I told him I wanted a divorce. He later apologized and we made up again. But that was just the beginning of many more fights. Each time, he threatened to take the bay from me and I have never thought of keeping our baby from him even if we were to go our separate ways. Each time, he apologized and we made up. That continued for about a year, when we had another major fight and I told him that I needed time to be alone, and he, again apologized, and I just didn't have the heart to press on. So we made up again. I knew how much he loved our baby and how our baby adored him and I just couldn't insist on us separating. It has been about 8 months now since that last fight and he has been such a good father and such a loving and attentive husband. The problem is I am not in love. It tears me apart to think how much I would hurt if I told him I wanted a divorce. Even more importantly, I keep thinking about our baby's not having her father around with her everyday.I keep telling myself that I should sacrifice my happiness for my baby's, but I don't want my baby's growing up seeing how stale and loveless her parents marriage is. And me, I don't know how I will be years from now because I feel so sad and lonely as each day goes by. I would never want to see our baby in the same situation. My heart would break! I want our baby to know what love is. What should I do?
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female
reader, Jez35  +, writes (24 June 2009):
First of all, just want to say how totally relieved I feel that I'm not the only person out there that feels this way. Although that doesn't sound very nice does it, to feel glad that others are in the same situation ;-). When reading all your posts I thought 'wow - did I write this? It sounds just like how I feel'. I have been living with a lovely man for 5 years now, married for 2. I am 36 and yet already married twice before (don't ask - long story! strict religious background may explain some!). I knew it was wrong when we married, but like so many of you I thought the love would grow, and anyway who wants to be so in love they can get their heart broken?? We don't have children together, which makes things less complex. My daughter (from previous marriage) wouldn't be too devasted if we split I don't think. The problems I have are guilt - as he idolises me, and has made it clear he would completely go to pieces if I ever left him. He is 12 years older than me, and so I am a little like the 'trophy wife' too I think. I can't bear the thought of making him feel so bad as he is a good man. Not perfect mind you (who is) there are things he has done which have driven me away further but that would take too long to explain. Our sex life is rubbish, I can't bear him touching me and could write a book on excuses not to have sex! He has a high sex drive too so it causes conflict and I know I'm making him feel rejected. My other problem is money. I have no financial independence at the moment. He earns good money. I have been able to take a career break to do a degree alongside another course, through which he is supporting me financially. My parents are going through hell with my sister's marriage break-up and I don't feel I can put all this on them, or ask to move back in with them - but I can't afford my own place. Well I could (just) as there would be money from the house and I could get a job full-time, rent somewhere cheap and cheerful, do the degree etc over a longer time. But thinking about it all, and the guilt and trauma which would inevitably be involved makes me feel so bad. Of course, not being in love with him leads to the risk of developing feelings for someone else..which I have. So I feel guilty about that too. Have my head screwed on in some respects as I wouldn't leave purely for someone else but only if I felt I'd be happier alone. And my husband - deserves better, someone who loves him properly. I feel quite upset writing that but it's true.I guess - you can't live your life for someone else. You only live once. Our husbands/children would eventually recover and move on. At some point I will have to face up to this properly and make some decisions, I will know when the time is right for that. Then I'll just have to deal with the horrible stuff that goes with it :-( Sorry for the long essay but I've waited so long wondering if I was the only person on the planet feeling like this! Jez xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hi there, tha last poster. Thanks again for sharing your feelings and thoughts. I was just wondering if you have found the title of the book that you mentioned last time?
Also, if anyone out there has gone through separation/divorce and can shed some lights on how the process unfold, i would really apprecaite your help. I know that there the couple needs to be separated for a year, then they can apply for the divorce. However, i am not sure who decides (the couple or the a judge) who the child(ren) stays with during the separation. In my case, our baby is just 2and a half years old. And who decides how often and how much the non-custodial parent get to see the child(ren).
Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Original poster, it's me, last poster. I was glad to see your response. What a quandry we're in. Perhaps the previous posters who shared in our experience have either found love with their spouse or have had the courage to do what we haven't, put our foot down and move on. My husband accepted my invite to counseling and it has opened his eyes to what he has done to contribute to my hardened heart. I went into my marriage not in love and with hopes of falling in love with him. While I was attempting the impossible (falling in love), he was off living the life he was never able to while he was at home. He was finally able to do that with my income. Meanwhile, in his absence, I became the head of the household and with that came a lot of independence. Independence because he as not there physically, mentally, or emotionally to do the things a husband should do. Independence has now become my own worst enemy! This was not the first time that my husband has been told by me that I don't love him. This was the first time he understood the seriousness because the resentful feelings were not communicated during an argument. Yes, it hurt him and the last three weeks have been very painful for us both. Painful for him because he is loosing his one true love and painful for me to hurt him so badly. Counseling has not benefited me yet. I've been told that I need to be more receptive to his attempts to make right all he as done wrong over the last 10 years. Very very difficult to do when your not fully committed to working out the marriage. I am in not better position now than 3 weeks ago but have atleast got the ball rolling. Time will tell the demise of my situation. Either a miracle will happen and I will find a way to love him the way a wife should love her husband or divorce proceedings will begin. Either way, it is resolution to a bad situation. I found a book I'd strongly recommend to you, I will the name later since I don't have it with me. Since I have found this blog, I have thought much about you since your situation mirrors mine. Hang in there girl!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): It's me again (original poster). Like you (last poster), I did try in good faith to love my husband and I have thought recently to give marriage counselling a try to, but again, like you, I know, it would be just me going through the motion ...so that my husband would not have anything doubts that it's over emotionally for us.. It never was! But i don't know if i can tell him that. It may hurt him so much but at the same time, not knowing that, he will continue to tell me to keep on trying to rebuild this marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I married a good man and I married him for that reason alone. I attempted to break up the relationship several times as we dated but allowed him to convince me that I loved him. I finally succumbed and married him 10 years ago. I remember on my wedding day thinking, He is a good man, I can learn to love him. I have given it a good faith effort but have emotionally checked out. I recently, 4 days ago, told him I didn't think I loved him and that I have never really loved him for any other reason than because, again, he was a good man. I took the initiative to check into marriage counseling for myself to learn how to love him for the sake of our young child. In my heart, I know I'm going through the motions. Has anyone else out there taken this approach? Finally, has anyone out there stuggled with leaving because of the religious conviction that divorce is forbidden? I waiver on my beliefs and tell myself that God wouldn't want His child to be so miserable.
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male
reader, Dru  +, writes (6 November 2008):
Ive been married for 3 years now and i knew it was a mistake when i did it, i wanted to love him, and iknew he loved me he says more than anyone else could. I loved the fact that he loves me so much. were not alike at all and have different views. hes so lazy and does nothing but watch tv and play chess online. his personality is rather dull and his jokes arent funny. Ever though he is good looking i dont find him that way. he always puts himself first and i try to put him first either way im last. Maybe subconsiosly i feel i dont deserve better, i dont have the best track record. im just tired of being unhappy, its breaking my spirit. i want to save money but hes constantly asking me how much i made. he just lost his job and im working 2 jobs and hes going to a tech colledge and wont clean the house, so ive been slacking off on cleaning but it doesnt matter to him he can live in filth. I think i was infatuated with him at first, but now can barely stand to look at him, i dont enjoy sex with him unless im fatacizing bout something else. I dont want to hurt him so i feel traped, plus this is his house and if i wanted to leave where would i go, and whos to say the grass is greener on the other side? he treates me like his trophy, other than that he doesnt really care how i feel
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I too realized about 6 months ago that I am experiencing the same problem. My husband and I have been married 8 years, together a total of 15 years. We have 2 children. He is a very nice man, great father. Everyone thinks he idolizes me. The thing is that he is not a leader and never has been. He brings his money home and I make everything happen, pay bills, purchase groceries, clothing, household goods, etc. I am the decision maker. I'm tired and it's driving me crazy. I used to think that I liked being in control but am beginning to think that maybe I was the one being controlled. My husband is a home body. When I was single I was a party girl, I love to dance. All he wants to do now is eat, watch tv and sleep. He works nights and weekends with a rotating shift. He'll do anything I suggest but I don't want to be the initiator anymore. There's no intimacy in our relationship and unfortunately, I've met a younger man who is attached but who brings the excitment that I've longed for. I now don't want my husband to touch me. Like most of you, I don't want to break up my home. I'd be interested in hearing what others think but the crazy thing is that I intend to keep seeing this other guy. Please note, I've left out many details.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I gave the wrong link. Here's the right one. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-he-be-in-love-with-me-too.html
Anythoughts? I thought the person who replied to it made a lot of sense but part of me still feel that i should stay in touch with my "ex" in the middle of all of this emotional turmoil. i'm not being logical, i'm I?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): It's me again, the original poster. I just read your posts (Oct.11 &14) and I thought I was reading my OWN post! One of you talked about an old friend and the other re-connecting up with an ex (but he lives so far away anyway!)I can particularly feel related to "blindlove" beacuse i recently ( almost a year now) reconnected with an "ex", too. I said "ex" because about 10 years ago, he said he loved me but I felt so obligated to my then-boyfriend (my now-husband) I pushed him away a cut off all contacts. I am feeling my eyes welling up as I am typing this post, actually, thinking about it. (If you'd like you could read my other post regarding this new complication!!! http://www.dearcupid.org/xt_find_question.aspx I never thought life could get soooo complicated and I feel horrible living this lie - I feel bad for my husband, i feel bad for myself and i wonder what might happen with my "ex" if i were divorced already, and free to love gain!)
I've thought about getting a divorce ever since my baby was born! Way before I reconnected with my "ex" but still have not done it because I want my baby to have a little brother or sister. So I'm still in the marriage and I even talked to my "ex" about it and I feel all horrible inside because I think (KNOW!) the fact that I'm still in this marraige is what's keeping him from getting closer to me, but I tell myself that i'm doing this for my baby. I just know that eventually my husband and i will go our separate ways ...in my mind, we are already divorced! I just hope when it does happen, we can stay on dood terms for our kid(s?) sake and that he will find someone who can return his love and that I will not have missed out my chance to be in love with the one who is in love with me.
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female
reader, blindlove +, writes (14 October 2008):
HI, i am in the same situation, however, i have only been married to my husband for 1 year and half, we just had a baby 2 months ago and i recently have been feeling the feelings more and more, and it hurts me so bad in the stomach to think that I dont love him anymore. He is the greatest and any girl would be so happy to have him, he does everything he can to better our life and loves me so much, and I just feel so guilty that I cant return that type of love to him. I dont know what to do, i never wanted my child to have a seperate household like i did, but i dont know how long i can pretend anymore. I recently was talking to my ex and all i keep thinking about is him, he lives too far away anyway. But just the fact that I am questioning why i married my husband kills me inside. I dont know what to do. its so frustrating. I dont want to say anything because I know that it would tear my husband up so much,.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): I can't help but cry while reading your post. My heart aches whenever I think about leaving my husband because of the kids. I'm in the same situation and see myself sinking in agony and pain every time I'm close to him. He makes me say things like "I love you" whenever we're intimate and he doesn't even know how to make love to me, satisfy me. I married him out of comfort and desperation. he is a good provider, great dad but I'm never been in love with him. A few months back an old friend came back into my life and made me realize how lonely of a woman I am. We usually just talk over the phone and sometimes lunch. He makes me laugh and makes me feel good about myself over again. I guess I'm stuck between fantasy and what is real. Don't know what to do????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Hello, Thanks for all your replies. It's been several months since I wrote the post but my feelings towards my husband have not changed. I feel like I'm living a lie each day. I feel terrible fo him to because I don't think he deserves a wife like me, who is not in love with him. On top of that, I've noticed that I've become more and more agressive towards him - I guess much of it is out of my own frustration. I'm afraid if I don't have the courage to leave him sooner rather than later, it will be even more complicated later and our baby will see how much mommy and daddy fight, even over little things.As I have said in one of my replies, our baby was the only good thing that came out of this marriage for me. I just wish I had the strenght to stop this relationship now. I am loking into custodial rights if we get a divorce. Do you know what would usually happen or how the jusdge decides who has custody of the child? Both of us are professional so financially, I think we would be considered "equal" ... but what else would the judge look at? Thank you again for all your insight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I was very relieved to read this post, as I too am in a situation like this... He is a fantastic dad (2 and 4) and a great friend, however after 4 years of marriage and 10 years together (I was 17) I can't get past the "not in love" feeling. Surely it has to be better? We have had the chat several times as to how I feel, however he shrugs it off and it makes me feel like I may not actually be able to fin someone else one day (who is willing to enter a 2 child relationship). I am only 28 and feel like I am young enough and he is young enough (33) to perhaps have another go with someone else down teh long track. Good luck...
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female
reader, fallenangel18 +, writes (24 September 2008):
Hi! I am new to this. I have been married for ten years and I am not in love with my husband. We have two daughters ages 6&7, he is a wonderful father and a wonderful, caring person, I am not in love with him. I am literally sick to my stomach even typing this. I truly understand how you feel. I wish I had an answer. It helps me just to know I'm not alone in this!! I understand the pain you are feeling. I don not leave because I don't want to tear apart my home. I have no answers, I wanted to let you know I understand.
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female
reader, melody/belody  +, writes (12 August 2008):
The best thing you can do is to leave, preferably sooner than later. But I know your dilemma because I too am in it. I have been in a loveless relationship with my common-law husband for 15 years now and we have 3 kids (under 7)together. There's been verbal/physical abuse all throughout. Even right from the beginning and yet here I am stuck in the middle to this day. I want to leave but I hold myself back from creating a concrete plan. To complicate matters even more I met another man who is interested in me and I am very interested in him. Every day I have these little conversations with myself about leaving. As a kid I had tons of upheaval in my life and I'm trying to spare my own children from the scars that creates. But I know I will have to leave ultimately -- my happiness and fulfillment ...my life is passing me by.
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female
reader, Jael28 +, writes (30 May 2008):
Hey...i feel you! i know how it is to be in a relationship where there wasn't love from the very beginning. Funny thing how we know what's going on but somehow we manage to brainwash ourselves and still get into a marriage that lacks love and that with time becomes more of a burden. We think we can put up with it and stay there, while a frustration grows inside and finally ends up eating us alive...i am right there. He wants us to try again, but i alreadyknow that if love wasn't there from the very beginning then how can i even imagine it will just pop up by trying? I want to divorce him, and i had an affair and he knows. He still wants us to try. And i am hesitant. He somewhat has used our kids to manipulate me. Because he says that if we divorce he will keep the kids and i will never see them again. So it's become more into some sick type of control game. I honestly think we'd be better off away from each other. All i can tell you is to evaluate what you want out of life. Is it fair for you? is it fair for him? who would benefit more from the decisions you take? don't the children deserve a dad and a mom who are happy and satisified in life rather than a couple of parents who are together but make their lifes impossible every time and fight constantly? It takes being honest with yourself, and say what you really think, be who you really are, not what others expect or want us to be...but i know it's easier said than done...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Thank you again, "Anonymous", for your insight. I'm hoping that you are finding strength to find happiness for yourself, too. I know for myself that if I could do it all over again, I would NEVER have married my husband. That's a horrible feeling. Then I remind (and console) myself that we have a beautiful baby together but our baby is the ONLY good thing that came out of this marriage for me. It's not helping either now that my mom keeps telling me that I must leave my husband as fast as I can to have time to rebuild my life. By that she means to meet someone else ... but her reasoning scares me. We both agree that, if the love is UNREQUITED, it is better to be with the person who loves you than the person with whom you are in love. I said I was afraid of never finding someone whom I'm in love with AND who is in love with me, or never finding someone who loves me as much as my husband, or even worse of falling in love with someone who does not feel the same towards me. She said I will find someone, but if I end up not being in a relationship where I'm not in love with this new person, then nothing would have changed. I would not have lost anything. She does not understand that I would have broken up our family and caused my baby to be away from her dad, and caused my husband pain ..... Sometimes I wish I could just STOP THINKING and just TELL HIM that I wanted out of this marriage. The more I think, the more my head spins and I keep going in circles....All the best to you, too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hello...from your initial question looking for help to your last reply. I feel you are evolving into making a decision you are still scared and not quiet ready but beginning to realize what you need and want. There is never an easy time to hurt someone there will always be "I'll wait until...". Will it hurt YES it will hurt both of you even though you are the one who is making the initial decision. When my husband and I first began dating he still was seeing his ex on the side when I asked why the response was "she is like and old pair of boots already comfortable and broken in". Typically male response I guess. Men typically do not leave no matter how bad things are unless they have something on the side waiting. I guess this shows the strength of women who even though it may take time to believe in themselves but they generally leave for themselves wanting more.
You will always feel obligated to him that is woman nature to nurture no one wants to hurt someone. You will know when the decision is right for you. Take the time to believe in yourself. Do not think down the line you have to stay because you are too old there is never an age where you don't deserve love or happiness it is just a matter of when you feel ready to want the change for yourself. Tell yourself everyday I am a good person I deserve love and happiness but don't think about the fact it isn't where you are right now. Believing in what you want your life to be, not dwelling what it isn't will help your path to take become clear.
All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hello yet again. Thanks again for your long, well thought-out reply. Tne dialogue has helped me a lot. Even though my answer to the 2 quesions you had asked for yourself was "maybe", I still think there must be "more" for me, too. Everything (almost) I have done in this relationship has benn out of my sense of obligation to make my husband hapy because he had given up his what he had in his country to come and be with me. Being very ambitious and intelligent, he has had a lot of success in this country, too. and NOW, I feel that if I leave him, he would be so distraught that he would not be able to continue with his work and life the way he has. That's why I have bên telling myself that when he got to such and such level of success/achievement/contentment in his life, then he would be a strong enough position to deal ith my leaving him. Then each time, i tell myself again that if I left him, then he'd be destroyed and would lose what he's accomplished 9financially and emotionally). Yet all this time, I feel there is an emotional wall between us. I am just not in love!Like you had mentioned, i am now afraid that once our daughter is older, we will have nothing to "share" between us and by then, i would be just too old o meet someone, or to rebuild my life. i fêl that for the last couple of years, i've just been existing. No joy ..except fot being with my baby ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I hope the dialog has been able to help a little. There are others here who just may not be responding but you are not alone in this situation.I know the intimacy is hard but after you read this go back and re read your post keeping in mind what I am saying... Your answer MAYBE to my questions mean you are not ready there may still be a chance for the two of you. Your heart still cares but you are holding hurt in your head which is protecting your heart. You see I can answer no and it is ok I am not hurt inside or angry there is nothing. Do I feel bad yes but I feel bad for a relationship that isn't what I always wanted I feel bad for him as a person I feel bad to think I have to eventually hurt someone. But I am ok knowing there is more for me as difficult as it may be to get there I will be ok.All his words over the years and lack of emotional connection have brought me to where I am in the time it is meant to be. I could take a punch easier than words that cut like a knife. Most guys just don't understand how women heal from pain we do shut down. They think its over and done with we should get over it and appreciate all the "do" for us. They will tell you no one will do what they do. There are better and there are worse out there but there are others. Don't dwell and think down the line you'll end up where I am today you may or you may not.Try and reconnect your head and your heart. Try and "go through" the motions to give him what he is looking for it may help you get past the anger it will be hard but you have a struggle within to get past, it may also test him if it is a tactic to keep you once he thinks he's turned you around - for me doing this brought me to the point of there really is nothing left good or bad which will eventually be ok. All the best....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Hello again Anonymous. Thanks again for your reply and I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm starting to think that this post has become more a dialogue between you and me (because not very many people are in the same situation, I guess.) I totally agree with you again that "You can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are trying to hang onto gets killed". Because I can forgive, I am not always as angry with him as I should be and even my mom and sometimes my best friend say they are surprised to sê how nice I am still towards him. Despite their god intention and support and don't think they REALLY truly understand how difficult it is in a situation like this. As far as romance goes, my husdans always tries to initiate it and i have bên trying to avoid it saying that I am to tired, which I am but not THAT tired if I were in love. Each time he tries to touch me, I feel uncomfortable and guilty at the same time because i don't have nay feeling for him. He'll try to kiss me and say things like "don't you want to kiss your husband." He also keeps saying things like "you can't find a husband who does such and such things for his wife and his family" and would go on listing the things he does for me and daughter. It is his way to search for a confirmation from me, which he does not really get. He seems to msay it jokingly, but it hurts me that we've gotten to this point where he keeps searching for **something*** from me that show him that I am in love with him but, like I said, I don't have the reply that he's fishing for.
As for the 2 questions, "YOU decide is he someone you can ALWAYS count on for support, is he someone at your lowest point could ever put their arms around you and make you feel secure enough for even a few moments you could once again take on the world." I think the answer is "maybe". If ou had asked me the same questions 8 months ago, i would have said "no" to both. However, like I'd said, in the last 8 months or so, he sêms to have changed. There are still moments where minors disagrêments come up between us, I he is always the one who tries to calm things down and be EVEN NICER as a way to make up for that disagreement! But I sometimes wnder if it's just a "tactic" to keep me becuase he must know how close I have been to leaving him. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experience and best of luck to you, to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): My younger son is closer to me he has an ok relationship but has heard too much of the things my husband has said to me at time. I've told him it is his father and he doesn't need to stick up for me so they have ok time and times that are not ok.. My husband and older son are closer and tend to gang up on the younger on which doesnt help.Like you there have been many times I should have taken the opportunity to leave. YOu can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are tring to hang onto gets killed. But didn't primary out of guilt I stay. I have tried many times over the years to talk to him and tell him how I fel to only to told I am the one who has changed he is who he is and can not change. There are no "I love you's", hugs, kisses are a kiss on the for head. He goes through times when he knows how unhappy I am and tries to take in interest in asking me about things I do or like but it never lasts long and forget about the physical side. When I have come close to leaving he always has a comment about suicide which he knows is my weakness as my dad commited suiide when my mom remarried, and a close friend shot himself when his wife left so there is a guilt I dont want. Yet I do know eventually I know our relationship will end.Dont think of the opprotunities you have missed think of those that are to come you are never to old to find love and happiness. You and I both know it is not easy you need to be prepared and once you search deep within and make your decision things will begin to fall in place. As much as I wish I could tell you to surround yourself with friends becarefull. There will be true friends there will be friends who pull away until things have played out as to not get involved. There may even be "friends" who are threatened by your actions. Believe in the strength you have within for you and your child.You worried about beaking his heart but what did he do to yours albiet maybe unintential and he has changed but for how long? This is where I tell you again "You can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are tring to hang onto gets killed" Some may say counceling but counceling can not help until you look within and for YOU decide is he someone you can ALWAYS count on for support, is he someone at your lowest point could ever put their arms around you and make you feel secure enough for even a few moments you could once again take on the world. The are the 2 questions I asked myself and couldn't answer yes to either. Make the decision for you without your happiness your child can not expericence it fully either. You child will always have 2 parents but happing parents stay and grow to dispise each other is worse than having 2 parents who can seperate and find a way to be friends for the child when needed. Again all the best and good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hello again, to the person who posted the last reply. Once again, reading your posting, I feel like reading about myself! Thank you, once again. If I may ask, you said that your 16-yr-old son sais "mom you deserve someone who will be there and make you happy", how does he feel about his dad? I have mentioned may times before to my husband that I would not want our baby growing up seeing me all sad and bitter and get the wrong impression that life has to be like that, that a marriage, being in a couple relationship has to be like that. But my husband said that if we spit up, HE will be the one ending up sad and bitter, and THAT will have a negative impact on our baby, too! There has been many a times when my husband was very mean and giving good reasons to leave, but I did not want to "break his heart" and kept waiting for "the right moment". I don't think there is EVER the "right" moment. But I think I have missed too many moments that would have made leaving this marriage **less difficult*** . Now, my husband has just become a perfect dad and a perfect husband ...If only i were in love with him!!!!!!
I would appreciate any insight anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation. Please share your thoughts. Once gain, thank you for taking the time to write.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): You are welcome like I said best of luck the decision isn't easy either way. Trust me when I say your children always know. My youngest son (16) recently told me "mom you deserve someone who will be there and make you happy". I can not tell you the pain those words brought to think I was doing the best for my sons by staying and hear those words. Its not that my husband is a bad guy he isn't just wrong for me but for my own reasons felt obligated as you.
As far as your child having a sibling they could in the future with your current husband or someone else a sibling doesn't always mean they will have someone to count on either how many siblings dont speak. I believe family are the friends we find along the way in our lives. There are alot of times we all count on friends mor than the family we have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Thank you so much to the person who wrote the last reply. I really appreciate your opinions. I feel that they're coming from the heart (because of your personal experience?) You've said so much more clearly how I feel!
Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I am sorry you are in this situation. Before I get bashed I know marriage takes work but no one knows what you have experienced in life good or bad we can only offer opinions.
I have been in your situation for 19 years 2 kids later I still know I don't completely love him. And feel bad to leave yes I know he deserves more but so do I...Do not bring another child into a questionable relationship. It is his choice the realtionship he decides to have with his child wether you stay or go. We all deserve happiness in life and our children should see this. Whether with your current husband or someone you find in the future you deserve a complete love to give and recieve.
Now from experience...When your children are young it helps mask the problems in your relationship because you are busy with them when they grow and find their own friends and lives the problems that have always been there seem so much worse at that point you may talk to yor spouse who tells you "they are the same person your the one who has changed" and they just dont hear what you are triing to say to save a relationship that probably should have ended long ago after so many years the hurt and emptiness are overwhelming..Unfortunately, now there are more financial reasons to stay, age reason just more ties for you to try and say how do i get out of this.
Think long and hard the good and the bad you have together. Can you see things changing better or worse? Dont tuck your feelings away and think they will go away you really need to soul search. You may decide to stay you may decide to go dont think of it as a mistake but as an experience you were meant to have in your life for a reason. Leaving isnt easy but neither is staying and tucking aways doubts and feelings that really arent there to go through the motions and hope love will come doesn't always happen.
All the best to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I just posted my question last night and already there are 5 answers! I would just like to thank you all for your insight and understanding!!!! I would just like to add another detail, too, is that it hurts to think that if I leave my husband, our baby might end up being an only child. I'm already in my mid-30s. Being an only child myself, I know how lonely it can be as an adult not having any sibblings to share your joys and concerns with. My husband has been talking about having a second baby and sometimes, in my weak moments, I feel like I should just go for a second baby. This would be scacrifice. I would never be free to know what being in (reciprocated)love is, but my baby would have a sibbling to lean on later in life. Again, I really appreciated all your insight and understanding. Thank you!!!
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reader, gayuncleandy  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Whatever you decide to do, make sure you have support people around you. If you don't, pay for them in the form of a counsellor who can help you decide and who can support you if you decide to separate from your husband. It sounds like a sticking plaster problem that you have been putting off, it will hurt like hell to tear it off, but the wound won't heal without doing it. There will be a scar either way. Talk to a third party honestly face to face before you communicate with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): You have choices - but the decision is hard. I am in a 'wrong' marriage - i.e. with the wrong person. I had an affair to make up the shortfall which I know is wrong but I was just so fed up and lonely. I don't recommend it because you then have two rubbish relationships. Can you start spending a little more of your time independently? By that I mean taking weekends with a close girl friend, going on a day trip or spending one evening at least a week out socialising etc. These things can in the immediate future provide you with extra confidence and give you an insight into life on your own. Do you know another single mum you could talk to? It could be time to start looking at the practical side of things - almost a plan including saving money that could also give you the stability of mind to see that leaving your husband is possible. Parents can still be parents after divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I really feel for you as I was also in the same situation. My sibling has left home and it is just me and husband together, after torture for 20 years of not loving him and just being their for them and not me. (It shows you are not selfish!)
The only advice is can you stand being with him for the rest of your life? I regret not leaving to be honest and now at 48 years old and scared to move on now alone. I ams tuck. Looking back I should have moved on years ago. It makes me envious people being happy.
Hope this helps you come to your decision.
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reader, lexilou +, writes (14 May 2008):
 It takes a lot of courage to leave a loveless marriage. Its fantastic that you are thinking of your baby but you deserve happiness too, you cannot live your life through your child and when baby leaves home what will be left for you then?? Your husband also deserves to be loved so staying with him is not best for him either even though he wont see it like that for a long time. Yes people will get hurt and there may well be resentment and bitterness for a while. Before you do anything plan it all out, find out your options financially, who will remain in the house or if it will have to be sold etc, how can you both live financially comfortably, find out if you are entitled to any benefits etc and draw a sensible plan of access for your husband to be able to spend quality time with your child. Never use baby as a tool in this. Stay firm and strong and you may be able to come through this and stay friends - its not easy but I know from experience it can be done. I wish you good luck x
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