A
female
age
51-59,
*elly_2008
writes:I need some advice please. My husband is just hateful and full of anger, nothing abusive. I left him once 2 years ago, which I use to be the one crying and begging all the time, now it's him, not as much crying as telling me how much I am "his world". We have been married almost 20 years, have two kids, daughter 15 and son 13, which he is strict on our daughter and doesn't like her boyfriend and was accusing me of treating her and her boyfriend and anyone else I come in contact with, better than him. It's pretty bad when we have to lie to him when it comes to letting my daughter's boyfriend come over, or let her go to the store with him, I get so sick of having to lie because he will get mad over things that are just normal day life. He acts like such a baby, getting mad if I don't say I love him or loving on him, which I just don't have it in me anymore. I have put up with not getting anything back from him for years, and now I have just went numb inside and I honestly don't care about our relationship any more and have fallen completely out of love with him, I still care for him, I'm just so upset and dread coming home when he is off work. I don't know what to do and I can't find it in myself to tell him goodbye, he makes me feel sorry for him and I stay. Can anyone please give me any advice? Thank you... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (10 February 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I have told him that I just do not want to be bothered anymore. He decided to go, but he has left 3 times and has came back twice and now wants to go to counseling, etc. I just cannot do this, he sounds sincere about it, but I just cannot do this, I do not want to be with him. It makes me feel bad inside, but I feel this is the best, even though he keeps crying and telling me all the things he feels. Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean I do care and love him, I just cannot stand to live with him. What else can I do? I wanted to let you know what is happening and get your thoughts once again, thank you.
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (29 January 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has refused to go to counseling. I really want this just to be over, but he just bawls his eyes out every time I mention it, then we try to work it out and he goes back to the same old way he always is and it just seems like a rerun every time. I feel stuck in this no matter what. I sincerely appreciate your help with this, it is always nice to talk to someone and get advice, thank you very much. I will keep you posted to any new developments, I will be praying...
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (26 January 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure how much more of this nonsense I can take. He has now went through my daughters checkbook questioning me about her money, she makes a little, not much. Telling me she better not be giving it to her "worthless, good for nothing, sorry bastard boyfriend", (his words), I tell him she is NOT giving him money, then I get accused of taking up for her AND her boyfriend, and how I act around her boyfriend, and that it makes me mad to hear him talk about her boyfriend like that, I am so tired of all this. On top of that, last nite, I picked her up from work and she wanted to buy a burrito, we were alittle late getting home because of it, he called and asked where I was, I told him. We get home, I get in bath, and my daughter told me he went thru the trash looking at the taco sack saying "get your ass in here, that is not all you got was a burrito", she told him the extra little sack in there is what you get at the first drive thru window, then he says, "I know that", then she says "then why did you ask?" he says nothing, I did not know about this until later, this is so ridiculous. This is very hard for me, please let me know your thoughts, thank you for listening....
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (21 January 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I will make this last effort, it's really been hard for me, the way I have been treated, to even feel love anymore, it's so hard, I just feel crushed inside. I will keep you posted, I mean, when you do everything for someone and it just isn't ever enough, it's hard to deal with. Thanks for your help and I'll keep you posted.
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (21 January 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has told me that separation is absolutely out of the question, if he leaves, it will be for good, so now I am stuck in this position, i haven't talked to him all day and really don't want to. This separation is not an option to him, so I'm just stuck now. I really honestly don't want to talk to him about anything, it just ends up in an argument which I am tired of. I would like the separation, but when I mention it he just screams about it and says he's not gonna do it and if he does he will not come back and that will be my fault. I'm just so confused, thank you for your response, I agree 100%, but it just doesnt seem an option anymore.
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (21 January 2009):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I just dont know whats wrong with me. I finally told him that we need to separate for a while, he will not do it, he said if it's separation, he will not come back. He wants to "compromise", I have heard this for years and it never works. Then he has the nerve to accuse me of having someone else, he was my first everything and I have never done anything! Very aggravating, he was about to get his stuff, then he came back in there again and wanted me to answer about "compromising", I told him Ididnt know if I could, I just don't have an answer. Compromising by loving on him and "other things", which I have no feeling whatsoever to do because of the way I've been treated. Then on top of all that, trying to take almost everything that we have accumulated over the years, he told me if he left not to call, look for him or anything. He kinda showed me how he is. He told me he wants to try to work it out, but I thought we were already suppose to be doing that and it has never worked. I'm so confused, I honestly want him to go, but now I don't know what's wrong with me or how to handle this. I wanted to update you and let you know what is going on and get your thoughts again, thank you.. This is really hard on me and it helps so much to hear your thoughts...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): I know how you feel. My husband has an anger problem, learned from his dad. (My mother-in-law acts like a little girl, like she never got to blossom into a woman) Your husband IS insecure and has never felt REAL love. Only Controlling, warped love. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really not fair that he wants you to always love and care about him, but when you had the medical problem, he didn't text back right away or bring it up. Maybe you should say, "Don't you CARE about ME!?" With my husband, I have to TELL him he's HURT me. Because he Doesn't even KNOW he's doing it. It's like I'm raising a child. Guys like this hold anger in, and take it out on the family-the ones they LOVE most. The best way is to get to the CORE of his problems, it's the ONLY way he'll change. He's got ALOT of hurt inside, and he won't 'go there' I think if he's not willing to get counseling (Is there internet counseling? that might not be as threatening to him. If you've reached your breaking point, then tell him you can't live like this and if a separation is what it takes to straighten things out, then you have no other choice. And prayer is powerful too.
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (11 December 2008):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I'm just going to have to get strong I guess and get out of this. If you could have seen and heard what happened I know all of you would just be stunned. I will try to sum it up as short as I can. He came in from work, I looked at him and he avoided eye contact with me like I didnt even exist, so I just said "ok, whatever", no sarcasm or hatefullness from me. He looked at me and said, yeh whatever f** you, you dont text me and tell me you love me or anything so just f** you. I was just dumbfounded he talked to me like that, which he has before, but it still bothers me. I tell him that I did text him, this just sounds so childish doesn't it? Well, he tries to force me to hug him and keeps saying i love you over and over so I'll say it back, I faintly finally say it back. Then, later in kitchen as I cook, he tries again to hug and wants hug back and I just tell him to leave me alone and he gets in my face angry, and I mean nose to nose, I told him to get away and not touch me or I'd leave and that he better back off away from me, he yanks my arm a few times, then gets mad and huffs off. Later last night, he tries to kiss me and tell me Im his world, he loves me to death, then says I treat him like sh**. Last night just absolutely ruined me, my son witnessed 90% of it and he even told me to leave, he is 13, that is terrible. I know I need to wise up, I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't. I wanted to let you know what happened, it sure helps to have someone to "talk" to....I just keep wondering what's wrong with ME, why can't I just tell him goodbye, it's such an awful feeling to feel like you don't know how.....
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (11 December 2008):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe drink I fix is just normal tea, we will be married 20 years this July, we are 27 and 39. I understand regarding head of household and all. It's just he shouldn't feel threatened by a 17 yr old child that is my daughter's boyfriend, and feel jealous or whatever it is that I have a relationship with my daughter and we do talk. It's little things that are kept from him, normal things to everyone else but him, because we are so busy trying not to make him mad (not physically abusive, use to be years ago, not anymore, to me only). If it was up to him, she wouldn't be allowed to have her boyfriend over, which is actually just her friend now, only once a week, I think is ridiculous for an almost 16 year old girl with a social life not to be able to invite him over every now and then. everytime I get in a good mood, he just brings everything down and negative, I was never a negative person, I do actually feel like we are all walking on eggshells around him. I will suggest again counseling, but he has already told me he doesn't need someone to tell him he has anger problems. I will keep you posted, thank you again....
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 Your husband seems very very insecure and needs and depends on you more than you know. What you want to find out is WHY he is this way. As Fade rightfully said, this is definitely down to his childhood or something that has happened in his past and talking to a counselor about it will help a great deal. He doesn't think he has a problem and THAT'S the problem!
That said, he is being left out a lot. He's being lied to and not told a lot of what's going on in the family and I'm sure he senses this. This in turn will only add to how he's feeling. You don't DEMAND that he see a counselor or tell him you WILL see a counselor or you're gone as this will only add to his pressure, this will get you nowhere. Instead ask him if you can have a word with him later when he's not busy then sit down and talk to him without arguing. Let him know you realise there is a problem here and you want to fix it. ASK him if there's anything troubling him and if he doesn't open up then suggest you BOTH go to counseling TOGETHER! Suggest to him that if he wants to do something for you then counseling is what you'd like to try. DON'T make out that he is the one at fault as there are faults on both sides.
You say you have his "drink" ready for him when he comes home. Is this an alcoholic drink or a coffee? Can I also ask you and your husband's dates of birth?
~Eve~
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Who's steering the ship you or him? This marriage can never work with two people at the helm. As a woman you are second in command, sorry but that's the way it is. As a man he expect/demands/needs to be Admiral you can be Captain.
As you are there are two people manning the tiller and it's heading straight for an iceberg.
Bible... Heirachy Man, woman, child.
Nature..Heirachy Lion, Lioness, cub.
Take your pick it adds up to the same.
It doesn't matter if you head for a new relationship you will still encounter the same problem. You don't have to lie to him, you could back him up.
Good luck
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (10 December 2008):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm am at my wits end again, I feel so pathetic. I thought things would work, like I always have. Let me give you a couple examples and get your thoughts. We recently added text messaging to our family phones, which took forever to get him to agree. Now he throws it in my face all the time about taking it off because of this - Me and my daughter talk to each other and text quite a bit, well, he is now griping because I talk to her more than anyone on the texting part and that I jump throught my a** when my phone "vibrates" when she texts me. I am just so disgusted. I cant even have a relationship with her without him trying to make me feel that he is left out, and he is NOT. I do everything for him, little things too, like have his drink ready for him when he gets home from work, his food, his lunch for work fixed for him, just everything! Also, I had a bad reaction to some medicine at work yesterday, he was at work, so I had to call my mother. I texted him and told him about it, I heard nothing from him, then he gets home and doesn't say a word to me until an hour later just to say, "what happened to you today". Then this morning when he gets up for work, doesn't speak or anything, then accuses me of having an attitude because he didn't ask me if I was ok the night before, which it DID hurt me, but I'm beginning to live with it. There are just so many things like this, another one is my daughter's boyfriend, which is very nice to her, we have to have him hide his truck when they go over to her grandpas house of a night to watch tv because he doesn't like him, for NO reason! Then just last night my daughter was having pain and I got up to get her some medicine about 3am and my husband goes "Who in the hell are you talking to?" I told him my daughter, and he asks" for what?", my gosh, it's just getting too much and I feel trapped in this with no way of getting out. What makes it worse is when my daughter's bf does come to our home, which isn't much, we all have to lie to my husband and say he was never there (this is when my husband is at work), because my husband tells me when I say it's ok for her bf to come over, that I feel so sorry for her bf and I just go "ape sh**" over her bf, makes me feel sick inside for him to say that. My son always tries to go somewhere else to avoid his dad because he will ask him about it when he gets him alone, which is ridiculous and sad. Also, I'm always accused of not hugging or kissing him when he gets home, or showing no affection, but I do, then when he treats me like this, I want nothing to do with him, but he blames me constantly, I just don't understand and I wish there was an easy answer, thank you for listening......
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female
reader, kelly_2008 +, writes (28 October 2008):
kelly_2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice, it has helped. My son is the one that notices alot, asking me why he talks mean to me and that his daddy is gripy. But now, since I have just felt completely numb towards my husband, my son has asked me why I am mean sometimes to his dad here lately. Made me feel sick inside for him to notice that, he also told me, in confidence, that he caught his daddy crying and he told my son that he cannot stop me if I leave, that he wants to be a family and he can go with me or stay with him if he wants to if I leave, my son was a little sad over it, and that made me feel bad. I am going to give this one more try, but this is the last time, I cannot live like this and he says he will try his best to change, we will see, asking me what I want from him. I hate living in "fear", not physical abuse or anything, besides him being just hateful about things and life in general, he doesn't want counseling, saying he doesn't need anyone to tell him what's wrong with him, which I think we need and he is wrong in that and I do see that as a problem. He keeps throwing in my face regarding the "vows", for better or worse, to obey, etc, that also gets old, I don't wanna keep living like this, my daughter is like him but she is a very intelligent girl, but has complete control over her boyfriend, which I don't like and have told her that. I will keep you posted on the progress and thank you again for your advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This strikes me as a situation that will take both parties to solve. There is nothing that you can do on your own to save this relationship. You can try to broach a conversation about your concerns (try to phrase things in the form of: "I wish that you would do ... for me", versus "I hate it when you..."
Couples counseling might also be an option. In either case he has to have as much invested in the relationship as you to make it work.
Try to be as clear about your needs as possible and hopefully he will try to meet them.
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