A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:I met this guy about a mouth ago. We got close and when he'd see me, he'd carry my bags. Pick me up and hug me in front of all of our friends. He'd always give me good advice. He's everything I wanted in someone. He's smart, humble, outgoing, mature, funny. Etc. We would talk all day and all night and he would always check up on me. See if I was having a nice day. Offer to buy me dinner lunch etc. I turned him down numerous times but I gave in and said I'd go on a proper date with him which would have been tomorrow. On sunday we spoke on the phone the whole evening AND he told me he was going to shower. He then proceeded to talk to me through BBM. The conversation started to run dry AND he started to ignore me which I thought nothing of. But usually at night he'd call me then I sa him update his status at mignight AND 12.30am about playing cards with what looked like a girls name.I didn't think anything of it, then I got a msg from him at 2am saying he fell asleep...AND goodnight I was upset. I ignored him for the whole day the next day. Thinking maybe he just wanted his space. At the end of that day I finally picked up his call and he started having a go at me...I was kind of confused. He ignored me yesterday AND now he's getting upset when I told him I was busy. Long story short, I broke down AND said well he was ignoring me etcetc. He lied to me at first, said he was sleeping but I saw the updates...after a few words because I felt like my intellegence was being insulted, he confessed. Needless to say, he apologised AND apogised but i resulted In deleting him. I've been through so much and he just let me down. Its not what he did (he was out smoking weed, playing blackjack with girls and his friend) it was the lie..I'm not his girlfriend but we got so close AND I don't know whether I'd be able to trust him if things were to get serious..but now I honestly miss him. Since I deleted him off of my blackberry messenger though, he hasn't contacted me...should I even bother to contact him?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 I think you did the right thing. It was a red flag to me, I've dated liars before and it started with the same crap. The guy you were talking to didn't fess up, it took a lot of talking and you telling him what you saw before he finally admitted it. It's far too soon to already be lying and I would've let him go too. Shady shit like that doesn't sit well with me... Smoking weed and updating your status online but lying about it... No thanks. Plus the lying would've gotten much worse when he realized how you reacted to it, he would've lied about almost everything thinking "this could set her off". Once again, I've been there. Good job sticking up for yourself.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 He lied because smoking weed and playing card game aren't the most interesting habits. In fact it will turn me off instantly. He is not sure if you would accept his habit. At the dating stage only you know yourselves, what you like or don't like in yourselves. I did think he liked you, I am not so certain if you will be able to like him back. You should let the distance be. No man should ever remind you of your exes, or do things that trigger your fears.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (6 October 2012):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading my question and asking for advice from friends. I realised this. I'm past this insecure and self esteem issue that was just dragging me down from past relationship mistakes. I've turned a new leaf& set boundaries recently after being heartbroken. My friends tell me I over-reacted, but this it how is started with my ex boyfriend. Small lies that shouldn't have been in the first place. I refuse to except that, that is what I'm worth. I'm going to follow my own instincts from now on and that's the mistake I made in ignoring them. I have a friend who seems to push me to men that I know in my mind aren't the greatest but not anymore. Only I know what's best for me. & also I also learned that I shjould keep my options open. I probably wouldn't have noticed if I was getting on with my life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Ok, thanks for the clarification, but it boils down to the same thing in practice, doesn't it ?. Regardless of what he has done, and of why he lied- he lied. You are upset about the lie. You ( rightly ) don't want to be lied to. You got mad, lost your trust in him, and you deleted him from your contacts. So,this must have been a dealbreaker for you. If this is a dealbreaker- there's no coming back. Not only you must not contact him, but if he contacts you again you should turn him down and say you don't want to date him.
And pat yourself on the back for having been able to spot the dealbreaking part of him before things got more serious.
OP, what are you really asking ? If WE think his lie was a dealbreaker ? Some will , some won't , but we are not you. You have to chose your own dealbreakers- and stick to them once you've chosen them .
...............................
A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (6 October 2012):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNone of you are keeping in mind that I don't care what he did. I'm just upset that when I asked he lied whilst getting upset with me doing my own thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 October 2012):
OP, this seems rather clear cut :
some of us would say it was a white lie , you know, you say something to not hurt the other person feelings knowing they are (too?) sensitive about certain issues,... or to avoid sterile,heated arguments about what in your mind is a very minor deal... you get caught, feel embarassed , and rather than fessing up at once you hold your point, and all gets frightfully blown out of proportions. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
But, if you have zero tolerance for lies, white or of any colour ,then you acted right, according to your values . YOU set the boundaries in your life, YOU decide what you can live with or not.
If you ask us... well, if you ask me, for instance, I would not be so sanguine, I 'd think that a guy that's not my bf and with whom I went out on one date is under no obligation of giving me the blow-by-blow report of his day, or ALL his free time and attention . If once in a while he does not feel like talking to me, or prefers to do other things , or wants to play cards with his friends, well,I would not feel justified in kicking up so much dust. Then again, I am not the one possibly going out with him, you are, and if his behaviour is unacceptable to you, you are right to behave accordingly.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (6 October 2012):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouWish.It's not that. I told him that myself. I have no authourity over him. He tried to hide it from me. He tried to lie to me and say he went to sleep, when in actual fact he was in the company of some girl. Tbh I would have been a little sad, but he wanted exclusivity. He used to get jealous of my guy friends. But that's not the point. The point is that he tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw. Got angry at me for being busy for the whole day AND made me out to be the bad person.I said so you slept the whole night? His reply was yes. So how come I saw you update your status? Erm, no you didn't :s. Yes I did, I saw you update it. Don't lie. After a while he gave up AND said he went out. The question is why lie? That's exactly why me AND my ex broke up. The sugarcoating AND silly little lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (6 October 2012):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I just said I had been busy that day, which I was but maybe not too busy to say hi. Just felt like I needed to think things over,I was even planning to bring the matter up with him. He got upset and said he thought something happened. But this was obviously after the deed (lie) had been done.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Sure, contact him again. This time YOU apologize to him and tell him that you've had a lot on your mind, and can you both start over?
Your ego got bruised that he was talking to another girl on Facebook after you two stopped talking on BBM. You made the error of going off on him even in a passive way, then deleting him. Don't sabotage the relationship with your own insecurities!
You're right, you aren't his girlfriend yet. Many people date more than one person at first, and the thought that he wasn't instantly being exclusive in communicating with you caused you to react in an immature manner.
He didn't lie to you...it was quite possible that he was playing cards with some other girl (which very well could have been impersonal!) and then fell asleep.
I think you overreacted, and gave him the impression that you are oversensitive and high maintenance. I'd understand that reaction if he were cheating on you or if he were sleeping with someone else while seeing you. I think you jumped the gun and your jealousy got the better of you.
Don't be so terrified of rejection that you sabotage your own possible relationships! The idea with casual dating is to be patient and let the feelings grow naturally. It's possible, especially with the way he was upset that you ignored him that you could have had something with him. You were just so mad that he played some card game on Facebook with a girl.
One HUGE point here -- whether it's with this guy or others, never allow a conversation, text, BBM, Skype, or phone call run dry. When you're feeling things start exhausting themselves, say goodnight and LEAVE HIM WANTING MORE. When you're on with a guy, make him feel special and interesting, but before the conversation runs stale, make a fashionable exit. You *know* you've won if he says the equivalent of "Awww" or tries to prolong the goodbye.
And RELAX! People are allowed to date more than one people at first! The idea is to be the one he wants to be exclusive with, with the big exception that he's not SLEEPING with anyone else! Maybe you should keep your own playing field open and see who else is out there for you too!
...............................
A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (6 October 2012):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think you get it..
He suggested the date, not me. After declining numerous times because I was scared to get attached. I accepted the offer.
After that it was all good. Then I found out he lied to me. His excuse was he didn't want me to think he was messing me around.. I was very much myself around him and I don't doubt he was himself around me as he has a very aquired personality. But my instincts told me to leave him be. I found myself questioning whether he even liked me as much anymore . Even though whilst he was apologising he claimed I was so important to him and he thinks I'm his soul mate. Which just made me feel even more lousy. But I do think he's not worth it if he decided to risk it all for one game of blackjack. You know?.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 October 2012):
After you deleted him, there is no going back. He feels like you lost respect for him and respect is a big thing for a guy to get motivated about starting something with a girl. It's a case of a guy who doesn't know what he wants. I suspect that he saw you as a friend only but a young male would always test his charms and try to get as many women to fall for him. You are not really sure if you like him that much either.
I don't know how the dialogue when but I feel that the awkwardness came in after you suggested about a proper date. It implies that what he did wasn't enough for you. All of a sudden it's not fun and flirty anymore, it became serious and it scared him away.
It's not really about ignoring each other. He didn't know what to do with you and there was tension. To relieve that he started an argument, kind of pushing you away.
Sometimes the "I am busy" excuse is used so much that people could just pick up on your tone, and since you were close before and suddenly you got cold, not the same friendly person anymore, he just felt he lost you already and that didn't feel very good. Anyways you shouldn't contact him again. You did try to connect with him but on a friendship level only. To know a person deeply both of you need to communicate true feelings instead of building walls. You two are not a good fit. If you were, you would bring out your true selves to each other more comfortably.
...............................
|
