A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If I’m not happy with my gfs appearance do I have another choice rather than leaving her? We were both in good shape when we got together few years ago but she is now borderline obese. Also our eating habits are opposite. She has this obsession with food but I don’t. She is offended when I call her lazy yet it’s evident when someone can’t be bothered to track calories. Being fat is a disease and unhealthy for the body. And no there are no medical conditions before someone uses that excuse on here. She complains nothing fits, refuses to buy bigger clothes and now has ended up doing what all day people do. Which is to wear the same baggy tops but just different colour. I don’t know what to do I can’t push someone. I don’t want to for life. So do I really have to throw away other things? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2020): If your attraction to your woman is because she was skinny you should probably realise that having babies and aging makes it much harder for MANY women to stay skinny . Women naturally store a higher percentage of body fat than men and for some a plumper body type is very natural and healthy . I’m not talking morbidly obese which you say she is not ! But laying down extra fat is what the female body is designed to do and holding on to it is what it does best . For some women with high oestrogen levels this makes wubcultabueous fat store mainly around the hips thighs etc . This fat is nowhere near as dangerous as the viscera fat that men tend to store around the stomach and organs . Even though you are not in the situation where it’s the case that your partner is having a baby what are you going to do with another woman if that happens , just whine at her about her body or dump her
What are you going to do when the woman you eventually settle with gets stretch marks or her body starts to sag . This things can’t be excercised away ! But it seems many men think that women’s bodies are just like men’s . They are not . They change much more readily . They have to . Part of that is that women tend to gain and store weight much more easily than men . Availability of free never ending pirn and unrealistic media seems to have a lot of men thinking all women are like or should be like the 18 yr old models chosen for their naturural slimness . Women come in all shapes and sizes . Only your partners doctor can say whether her weight is unhealthy and advise her to lose it.
If your not happy stop pulling her self esteem down and leave the poor woman alone
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2020): No one is saying you can’t care about it . That’s your right but it’s NOT your right to pressure her or try and change her . It’s her body and her right to be whatever weight she likes
So ultimately if you don’t like it , you don’t need to feel bad but you do need to realise that you have no right to put her down and you should move on so both of you can be happy with the right person
People telling you that you’re right to feel that way are missing the point . EVERYBODY has the right to FEEL however they like . That doesn’t mean we have control or rights over other people and it doesn’t make us right and then wrong
Move on if you can’t deal with her choices or stop complaining . They are the choices that are right
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (3 June 2020):
 Don't blame you. If my partner were to do the same Id find them less attractive and because I loved them concerned for their health. It is what it is. I wouldn't want some fat slob humping and grinding on me. If that works for some people then cool but I am programmed the way Im programmed. You can't help, nor should you feel bad for what attracts you. Im sure if you let your personal hygiene go down hill, stop brushing your teeth, showered every second day or once a week even, worn the same clothes for days on end, didn't use deodorant she'd more than likely have some issues with that. But I think you are going about it the wrong way. When people feel attacked they dig in their heels and well, it just doesn't help the situation. Negativity creates negativity. Perhaps you could plan meals together, without mentioning her eating habits, shop and start cooking together.Covid- restrictions don't help but can you go out on dates, active ones? A walk in the park, bike ride that kind of thing. Buy a wii console or drag the old one out if you got one. Just try rolling her situation into something fun for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2020): I disagree with people saying it's about you, not her.It is about her and the fact that she needs a mental shake up, not a physical one.She will only move herself and change those nasty eating habits when she is ready to mentally OP, and you can't force that unfortunately. It's the old cliche - mind over matter.The problem is that you risk pushing her to become even more depressed by reminding her how slob like she's become etcI think the only way to help is to say to her 'look i'm worried about this lockdown business changing our lifestyle for the worse and I want to spend my life with you doing things together so let's get in shape together'.Then - go to Boots/Tesco or wherever the nearest set of electronic scales are near you that will give a read out, let her weigh herself and let her keep that figure to herself. Then subtly start suggesting foods for tea to eat each day for instance 'I fancy salad tonight- you with me?'.It sounds frustrating and like a huge chore and ot probably will be but pushing her and calling her lazy etc isn't doing the trick.Be prepared that it will take time and patience.If you find you don't have that time and patience for her then yes, do the honourable thing and leave.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (2 June 2020):
Hi there. You haven't mentioned here whether she works at all.
Is she employed at the moment?
And are you employed at the moment?
If she has no work right now, eating and snacking all day long, could have a lot to do with boredom.
And with the COVID-19 virus, many thousands of people have lost their jobs, and as I don't know your situation regarding this, I am assuming it could be a possibility.
And if you are working still, but she is at home by herself all the time, she could be very bored and depressed, and losing all her motivation, to the point where she can't be bothered doing anything at all.
Maybe all she mostly does all day, is sit and veg out in front of the TV, and eating and TV often go together automatically.
And so, it could be that she doesn't know what to do with herself all day.
And therefore no motivation to even think about what she could do that might be fun.
She may have even given up on anything changing in her life.
It does seem like what she needs, is something to give her life true meaning.
And that will come down to thinking about what is missing from her life, and what is happening in her life that she wishes would stop.
It's all about balance.
She needs to have something in her life to look forward to each day, that will certainly help.
Like a hobby of some sort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): Firstly What gives you the right to insult her . You talk in a very superior tone . Are you a doctor? Do you know her heath statistics other than how her body LOOKS to you.? Are you aware than many overweight people are healthier than thinner people who don’t eat right or look after themselves . This truly doesn’t sound like a matter of health concerns but more about you caring about how women should look ... or how your partner should look . Well ok then , if that’s important to you . Here is the truth
Do you have another choice other than leave if you don’t like the way she is . No not really. She knows how you feel . You have no control or rights over her body and believe me there are plenty of men who will find her overweight body attractive . You don’t happen to be one of them and that’s fine . Go find a woman who’s body suits your tastes and let her find a man who enjoys hers and she can enjoy his
Win win for everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): OP, I read and then reread your post. Now you did say borderline obese, so she is not fat! There is a glaring omissiom, from your post. Not one time did you mention the word love. My take away from this post was, and let me word this delicately, that you come across as a selfish, obsessive, verbally abusive prick. This is how you come across, and if you match my description of you, you would be doing this lady a huge favor, by just breaking up! You can lead a person but pushing her is abusive, and doomed to fail. You must ask yourself, do you love this girl, or do you have a fantasy image of her, in your mind, that you like? If you don t love her, let her go, for her sake, because someone will love her!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 June 2020):
 Amen to CodeWarriors advice.
Nothing wrong with wanting a partner that takes care of themselves. Absolutely not.
But you are definitely NOT "helping" by insulting her. She knows she is fat, she knows she is lazy and she KNOWS that if she is unhappy with her body SHE needs to take charge and do something about it. YOU can't do that for her.
You can however encourage her. Suggest PHYSICAL activities together. Not things you know she might fail at but things that you can do and ENJOY together. Like going for bike rides, renting canoe/kayaks, go swimming at the lake, beach, pool, etc.
If none of this gets her motivated, maybe YOU need to accept SHE isn't the right girl for you long term.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): Women are going to gang-up on you about this topic; because body-weight and body-image are very sensitive subjects and can damage someone's self-esteem. It is just as hurtful to men as it to women! Not that men have to tiptoe around every issue concerning women! They don't hesitate coming here and expressing exactly what they feel about men!
That doesn't justify avoiding exercise, eating unhealthy, and submitting to life-threatening obesity. There is no excuse for abusing your body, and insisting everybody shut-up about it. Society is cruel, and it makes people defensive about themselves; so rather than pursuing a healthier lifestyle, they take a stance to prove they are fine the way they are. They are fine, and they should be left to make whatever decisions they wish to make when they're good and ready. If the warning is coming from your doctor, you're a fool not to listen! The hell with foolish affirmations about being happy and overweight! If you eat to soothe yourself, you're not happy! Seek help to get to the root of your problem; and find other ways to deal with stress or depression. Learn how to cope with life without using food as your stress-reliever. Too much of anything is not healthy; no matter what it is!
First-off, it's easier for us men to maintain our body-weight and we drop weight easier. We have more muscle; so we can absorb fat or change it into muscle with increased physical-activity. It is different for the female body. It also responds well to physical-activity and exercise; but they also have to contend with water-retention and slowing of their metabolism that can be due to many things. You have no right to insult her by calling her lazy. Insulting people is not how you motivate them!
Your vanity or conceit may keep you obsessed with fitness; and your youth combined with your genes may keep you naturally-toned. Sometimes people just like to relax and enjoy food. Even professional-models reach a point they've just got let-go and enjoy food; and end-up body-shamed by nasty self-righteous critics! Your body screams for relief, and to give it a break! Yes, some folks are strictly-disciplined; but it gives them no right to shame others! They can keel-over from a heart-attack just like anybody else!
Some athletes just suddenly drop-dead! Why? For many reasons!
We all should eat healthy and get some exercise; but not become OCD by counting every calorie and measuring every portion!!! There is also such a thing as "anxiety-eating" or binge-eating; when people are stressed, or depressed. Don't add to it by pressuring her about her appearance; and making her feel bad about herself. What you say to people can be as lethal as using a weapon. It is an attack on the mind. Hurtful words on a mind already battling with issues is kicking someone when they're down!
If you don't like her wardrobe, have you taken her on a shopping spree offering to pay for the things you'd like to see her wear? Clothes should be comfortable, as well as fashionable or flattering.
If you really feel her weight bothers you more than it bothers her; then consider breaking-up with her. Maybe you should find-out what she's going through in her life; and you may understand why she may be letting herself go. Be concerned more about her well-being than her appearance. When people feel good about themselves they tend to take better care of themselves.
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