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male
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*hredordie
writes: We were dating nine months. Things seemed great. We did have our issues, specifically I put off meeting her best friend, which was partially subconscious, partially related to my stresses about grad-work (I'm a writer), but bottom line I should have just bit the bullet and met him. Regardless, things still seemed OK and we'd even discussed meeting her friend and I thought that was going to happen. But then she asked for a break.She's 28, I'm 27. Neither of us have a ton of relationship history. This was her longest relationship. There was never any kind of jealousy on my part, nor was there any real enmeshment that I perceived. We spent quite a bit of time apart actually because of our artistic pursuits. I have some social anxieties that she knew about, but I mean things generally seemed healthy.She asked for a one-week break because she said she was feeling severely depressed. She started counseling. I started counseling for my social anxiety. Basically we said we'd both work on each other during the break.I have a TREMENDOUSLY DIFFICULT time dealing with the break. This is something I've actually been working on with my therapist: impulse control. I talk to her several times during the week, including one text message I sent that made her think I wanted to break up. She immediately calls me and we have an emotional discussion and decide that we're not going to do the break. We're supposed to see each other that Friday (or so I think). Friday rolls around, we don't see each other. Her memories of our conversation are different and she says we're still on a break but that she'll see me on Sunday.We see each other Sunday. It's sad. She wants more time and says that she really needs me to respect her need for space. I agree.I have a hard time during the week. IMPULSE. CONTROL. I don't text or phone her excessively or anything, but there are a couple of days where I do text her and tell her I'm having a hard time and I would like to see her. No response.Break extends into third week. I email her apologizing for breach of space (I know this is space-violating itself, but I couldn't just let well enough alone). The next day she sends me a very stern email that DEMANDS one month of space with no contact whatsoever.This seems like a very disproportionate response to me based on what's been happening and I'm blown away. I'm hurt. How can someone who supposedly cares about me impose something like that? Doesn't she realize how that would affect me? I send her a text saying that I think we need to end things. I send her an email the next day reaffirming as much, with more details. It was melodramatic, but I broke it off. I said that one month was too much. I do say that I want to talk to her about all this.At the time I meant it, and it might even be the right decision, but I do love this girl and I think that we've regrettably been caught up in a little bit of drama. Ultimately, I do not want to break up with her.It's been 4 days and she hasn't acknowledged my break-up messages, although she has expressed anger to a mutual friend and asked him if she could give him some of my stuff to return to me.I want things to settle down before I reach out to her again, but I also want her to know that I don't want this to be the end of things. Trying so hard not to text her right now Thanks for reading this long message, I appreciate any advice.
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a break, best friend, depressed, her ex, jealous, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, shredordie +, writes (7 October 2012):
shredordie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey all,
Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it.
:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): The no contact rule works only if you can maintain it.From my experience over 3 weeks. That lets things die down and the dumper remember good things about you. For now I would send a note as the male anonymous suggests saying that you were hurt and upset and that if she wishes to get in contact with you again again that you would welcome it but that you will respect her wishes for no contact if that is what she desires. This is really all you can do.I have made the mistake of begging people to take me back, endlessly texting and the like and none of it works unless the person is tuned on to you. When they still feel rough and sore and cross at the mere thought of you none of this will work so you need to give it time to let things calm down.send the final note and them make a bar chart and score off the days. I think she will respond in time but for now keep away from her.i too am very anxious and find no responses to texts etc very upsetting but you must try to leave her alone and concentrate on something else. Text a friend when you want to txt her as that also can help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): It's hard to say what happened without knowing more. You being the longest relationship could mean that her best friend has filled that role up till now. And now that you've been serious with her for 9 months, her best friend feels like he's losing her. My suggestion is to do this: Tell her you asked to break up because you were hurt, you never wanted to break up, but if she wants it you can. At which point you will stop holding out hope for her and try to get over her. I think she wanted a temporary break because she wanted to make sure that shifting her needs from her best friend to you was a good idea. Her best friend has probably been there the most and that's what's probably killing her relationships. The thing is, that break won't clear her mind to make the right decision. She would have to be over you to decide that. But if she waits to be over you, and you're over her too, why bother with the relationship? Also, either of you may start to resent the other for needing the other person and not having those needs met during this temporary break. Unless she's interested in you getting used to being without her, I would suggest she cancel her no contact break and promise to never do it again. If she doesn't, stay with her if you're ok with her hurting you like this. Both of you should realize this: A relationship means that you're letting yourself need the other person. This is a privilege you give to the other person. It is normal for you to want to contact her because you need her. It is not normal for her to stop all contact. She just thinks it will give her clarity in making the right decision but it won't. And I'm sure it's hard on her too. The anger to the mutual friend shows that. If she ends the relationship, I would look for someone that doesn't have a best friend of the opposite sex, and isn't having her emotional needs met through him. Going back to this girl will be difficult for both of you. She has to decide between you and her best friend, and right now, she doesn't understand how so she's messing up your relationship and ending up with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 I don't think the issue was about you not meeting her friend, or you breaching her space. Although you both have anxiety issues you are always the one reaching out for her, and she is pulling back. She is not in the right frame of mind to have a relationship. Unless there is something she is not telling you about. You have a great need for stability and she just can't be the person to give you that. This break is painful for now but for long term maybe it's the best thing, because you need a woman who can understand you, give you the affections you need, also a calm personality who won't trigger your anxieties.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Okay, this is exactly why the whole psychological "one week break", "One month break", "respect no-contact" stuff is pure rubbish.
You did the right thing by breaking up with her because she is toxic. Truth is, you were right to be wary of a male "best friend" that she rated as more important than you are.
There is such a thing as over-thinking and over-anxiety. New relationships aren't supposed to be this overthought nonsense like impulse control, enmeshment, and controlled breaks. A relationship is simple, makes people feel great to be together, and makes the world better because two people found love.
She is toxic, and you add that to your tendency to be anxious, and you and she are the perfect storm. You need to end things with her. Cut your losses. She is messed up in the head and clinicly depressed, meaning she can't handle a relationship as it is.
She was out of line after saying "I want a one month break" and three weeks later getting mad because you contacted her and bashing you into a one-month break with no-contact. This is the mark of a disturbed individual, and if she liked you, she would want to spend time with you.
End all contact and thought of her. She doesn't want contact with you. She does not love you. She does not care about you. What she is doing is emotionally abusive to you, and it's time to cut her off.
Seriously. End your obsession for her and for replaying everything that's ever happened with her in your head, and move on.
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